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CheapShots: Chamber/RAW Fallout And Rousey Debut

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Alexa Bliss WWE Elimination Chamber
Credit: WWE/YouTube
Cheap Shots are unfiltered, uncensored opinions, and those opinions reflect only the author!

“Mad Man” piloting a fly by of Monday Night Raw. Come aboard, if I like you, I’ll throw you a parachute. Pay no attention to the flashing promo signs. I can’t do anything about them. Someone from creative was making up for last week. I’m staring at you Stephanie. In fairness, The Chamber can be excessively physical. I guess I can see it being used as rest in a couple of cases. Though most fell into the usual formula.

Did someone steal my DeLorean and transport us back to an episode of Smackdown Live over a year ago? Minus the bad Lucha costume, I was having flashbacks. Of course Little Miss Math Class was talking trash. That’s what she does with backup. Alone, she’s scared and barely looks qualified to be there. Mickie stood like a statue while Alexa went back into mean girl mode, baiting Asuka to come out. The Rising Sun Ace eventually did; earning a 3 on 1 beating. as Nia Jax completed the heel trio. The Legit Boss and Human Elmo; minus the hugs this week, ran in to even things up. Yay, six-person tag. Baby faces won “clean” when Asuka twisted Mickie like a pretzel. However, more seeds were planted between Sasha and Bayley. when the hugger wouldn’t accept a tag. Asuka has Nia on Raw in a PPV rematch next week.

Sasha Banks Bayley WWE

The Legit Boss & The Human Elmo?

Welcome to the next of a zillion promos! The sheep were a bit confused on occasion last night. “Wait, we’re not supposed to react to him like this.” Points to creative as John Cena cut a “What am I gonna do for Mania?” promo. Naturally, marks lost their minds when he brought up The Undertaker. Don’t blink, Cena said someone told him the match was impossible. For now, he’s a bigger tease than a stripper. Ended things by saying he was headed to SmackDown to find a Mania Match. Let’s hope he’s killing time.

Now I start to shred WWE booking! Miz cut the same promo he always does when Angle wouldn’t tell him outright who his Mania opponent was for IC Gold. “My movies, my wife, I’m a star!” Fake movies, plastic wife, no you’re not. Angle puts him in back to back matches to see who “might” take him on. First Rollins, wouldn’t it be cool if The Falcon Arrow actually won a match? Then Balor, Miz lost to both and he still doesn’t have a concrete challenger. HEY VINNIE, you’ve got over a month worth of programming to fill. What’s wrong with a tournament?

Raw

Oh look, another promo! This was “supposed to be” another face to face between Lesnar and Reigns, YAWN! Except, Lesnar and Heyman weren’t there? Roman Reigns cut the best promo I’ve ever seen from him; spoon-fed or not, he felt it. Marks were lost and speechless. It was very cool to see! He said Brock didn’t care about the boys, the art form, or the fans. The Beast is only business while he grew up in it. “My family is this business…I don’t respect that b****!” I’ve been screaming about this ever since they brought him back. Someone actually got permission to say it! A ton of us have waited a long time for Roman to sound interested. Monday night, he finally did.

Quick aside, Vince can you PLEASE fire Slater and Ryno? Split their salaries between the ladies on the roster. Now, what the Hell is Bray Wyatt? He makes The Dingo Warrior sound coherent, The guy came in on a level with Kane. Booking him like this in the territories would lead to a pink slip. Yet, sheep still light up cell phones like he matters? Kid, Matt Hardy was somewhere else; doing the scary you forgot, and NOW you wanna tell us you do more than stall talent out?  It’s bad enough when RAW bookings don’t matter, but PPV bookings too? He beat you son, go sit down. Speaking of wasted potential; I’m sorry Titus World Wide, Orlando was a country away last night.

Heel on heel shade is very rare when it comes across as organic. I tend to agree with Elias in this instance. Marks comparing Corey to Bobby Heenan should slow down. The Brain was naturally funny when he wanted to be. It feels like Graves or his writer is trying too hard. There is a mean under current to him, which makes no sense given his medical issues.

Elias continues to push buttons. After calling Graves out, The Guitar Man knew Braun had bad intentions. Resourcefulness had to be high for Elias to avoid an ambulance, and it was. The musician was just physical and smart enough to escape using a strategically placed fire extinguisher which allowed him to get away from the big man. Payback will have to wait.

Deep breath everybody, final descent into what was arguably the most useless segment of the show. (GASP)! Steph, I’m booking, do I need to write for you too? Let’s back up to The Chamber. Did Angle honestly need to be there to pull this off? He sounded like he was a snitch in high school. Ronda has read scripts and done movies. Change Kurt’s lines, give her a script for RAW. Have her come to the PPV alone, with you and Triple H in the ring. Have her sign the contract CLEAN! I know, I have a better chance of walking than seeing a clean contract signing. At the very end, Ronda takes the mic: “I have questions about the integrity of WWE. I will get them answered on RAW…” Fade to black.

You could’ve saved yourself a week of scripting. The suplex, slap, and horrible dialogue get moved to Monday. No one believes it out of your mouth anyway. What does A Mad Man know? I know that was a mediocre RAW with too much hype and an average finish. Hope y’all enjoyed this fly by. Our next departure from fly over country takes off soon!

 

 


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MadMan: She’s Handing Out Blues Better Than A Namesake Will

Madman decided to follow his blue dragon back towards the titans! Let’s see what black magic he weaves in this edition.

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Madman decided to follow his blue dragon back towards the titans! Let’s see what black magic he weaves in this edition.

I may not be in regular rotation, but when they give me a chair, I swing for my fences. As a decades-long consumer of the art, I don’t have many left. The only Home Runs WWE has placed within my scope, can be found in Women’s Division on both Monday Night Raw & SmackDown Live.

The year I began watching wrestling, some very interesting circumstances took place surrounding cable television. WTBS; (Atlanta), WAS the home of The NWA’s Jim Crockett Promotions. At least until “Black Saturday,” which ultimately saw Vinnie Jr. Hijack the famous 6:05 time slot. This nearly cause riots among cable viewers opposed to McMahon’s product and presentation.

Though the million dollar ransom The Crocketts paid to get their flagship spot back on the dial gave the head of Titan Sports the backbone to finance WrestleMania, which helped to wreck most of the territories. Hell, it can be argued somewhat convincingly upon its 30th Anniversary, Vince himself ruined his biggest display’s pristine intentions for two consecutive years with Lesnar beating the streak instead of Bray Wyatt; and, Sting losing his ONLY Mania match because someone else had the right bride on their marriage license.

Despite the objections of both smarks and sheep in certain cases, we must respect the history of this pop culture institution. IF WrestleMania is Woodstock, it is only appropriate that Tito Santana opened the show with a victory!

In recent years, there has been only one person on The Main Roster who has matched the swag of Santana’s initial accomplishment without even trying, and she wrestled in the last Mania Match I cared about. Finally got tired of giving fans The Blues. She’s ready to deal some out in the form of steel chairs and God knows what else.

“Cut Her talent LOOSE!” We kept screaming. “A REAL run with Gold, PLEASE?” Like a kid aching just before Christmas. As with Solis, she was a true pro, until the strangest thing I’ve ever seen in the modern art form washed over us.

Fans and insiders alike FORGOT about Social Media! Don’t get me wrong, it’s still here. Can’t get away from it. Hell, I’m doing a roll-in on the internet right now! If you’ve been fans of us long enough, you’ll realize that last sentence was not a botch! Seriously, this thing felt like the territories back in the day. No one knew a damn thing! Even some of those paid to know were flipping a coin every five minutes. Thanks for the constant stress, you ancient prick!

Come on folks. If you know my current wrestling HEART at all, you KNEW the last Chair Shot on her return was coming from her Super Mark in Middle America! When older dudes at this circus describe what true fandom is like; they’ll often say: “That’s bulls***, that’s bulls***, that’s bulls***, BUT THAT’S REAL!”

For her boatloads of fans and the woman herself, Christmas is here! The Stamford’s latest Blues enthusiast is very real, And WWE’s Black Magic Woman IS BACK! Line ’em up. they’re all falling. Charlotte & Ronda too. To The Man and those in charge of her Twitter Account, thanks for keeping the possibility top of mind when things first got weird. We never gave up, but you will! MISSED YOU LADY BANKS!


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Mad Man’s Spinal Tap & 20 Questions

Back to back weeks we see the Mad Man come to play in our sandbox. Does this article go to 11? Are the retread concepts, just hollow nowadays?

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Back to back weeks we see the Mad Man come to play in our sandbox! Does this article go to 11?

When you have decades of experience watching the art form, your eyes and thought processes change. It’s the reason my colleagues can break down pending news and angles we haven’t seen yet. Mr. Meltzer made a cottage industry out of it. A ton of people on The Internet are trying to follow suit. Then, there are fans like me. As much as I love twitter, Professional Wrestling fans were never meant to receive “spoilers” every day.

This is NOT a “Back in my day…” thing. My eyes have changed too. However, I am focused more on WWE’s calendar when watching Stamford’s offering. If I think about wrestling. it’s very simple. My suspension of disbelief is gone for very few performers. In fact, I would say it’s gone for most fans. If we know it’s a work, why are scripts and outcomes still based on the assumption that we don’t? If I have seen a gimmick before, I am VERY hard to impress. Make me believe you can beat somebody; and stand out doing so, or I will chew you up and spit you the Hell out.

For those who say I should keep my mouth shut because I can’t perform and never have, I DON’T CARE! Saint Dave gets a pass, and y’all still watch the current product like his lap dogs and clones, despite “knowing’ the outcome? I don’t watch for the outcome anymore. Based on character development and pushes, I can see that coming. Call me a hypocrite and I will play 20 Questions with you. Can you get me to the finish line without looking like an idiot or a laughable copy of someone else?

Su Yung is 5’6’’ish. Marks and sheep world wide are transfixed and petrified? Make up aside, why? She is impersonating three legends with no unique move set and doing it very badly. Without her zombies, can she beat anybody? Mr. Calloway used druids. He was 6’10’’ and did not need them to kick your ass. Mick Foley put himself and you through HELL before using The Mandible Claw. You had no choice but to take it. The Great Muta was arguably the best Rising Sun performer of all time. He had a move set most American fans had never seen before. The Mist was believable in his hands because audience and opponent were spinning trying to keep up with him. Where is Su Yung’s Mysticism? As much as fans love her, there are no OMG moments in her matches, and her gimmick is predicated on them.

She is far from the only example. Twitter went crazy about a month ago because a top name on the indies put something in her opponent’s mouth during a match. Outside of a prison fight, when would this EVER HAPPEN? Why is this necessary? If this is a work, why would any girl allow someone to do this? Tell me why either woman gets hired again without the parrot response? Same question applies to Joseph. Dude ain’t pickin’ up anybody like that in real life. I dare him to pick my wheelchair up with his finish. He would be in traction.

Tony Schiavone is our crazy wrestling fan uncle. Our memories of him when we were kids and teenagers all ROCK! He is without question one of the best to ever call the action. God Bless Conrad Flair for bringing him back to the art form. Among other fun stuff, he now does commentary for MLW. With tongue firmly planted in cheek; I must say, I have a slight problem with him. I understand that it is his job. He continues to put MJF over because?? I get the gimmick. It’s just OLD! He is ripping off The Miz. One look at him, and you can see that. “I have more money than you.” So did DiBiase. And if you did, you wouldn’t need the $50.00 a night you made before Tony started calling your matches because you’d be paying him. Just wait until Mike retires before you go to New York.

Finally, we arrive at the biggest tent. Vinnie’s circus was on The West Coast in The House of Hot Rod & Billy Jack Haynes. Sheep under 25 are now asking a three-worded question. The only help you’ll get from me is to say that he may have been the father of Modern Independent Wrestling. Sometimes, it wasn’t his choice, and he is still fighting demons today.

Back to this week. Didn’t Spinal Tap all stand in the Center Ring around a month ago and do a babyface promo? “It’s our fault. We’ll do better for you. This is YOUR product.” First, I believe Stephanie as a babyface as much as I believe Saint Richard as a babyface. Shut up and go home as a shoot. Second, as big a moron as Vince is, he’s NOT leaving the person carrying the big top out of WrestleMania! Outside of the obvious, Becky’s leg is a work. SHE WAS LIMPING ON THE WRONG ONE ON MONDAY! Seth Rollins is hurt as a shoot. He WASN’T at Monday Night Raw. If Becky wasn’t cleared, she wouldn’t be on either show. So WHY is everybody going apes*** over this?

Sometimes, I can’t tell which group is Spinal Tap?

Is it the group on stage or the sheep who believe what they’re watching? I truly wish this art form was treated more like real competition.


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