Cheap Shots are unfiltered, uncensored opinions, and those opinions reflect only the author!
Mad Man had an unexpected confrontation prior to jumping in the big bird on my way to a rare double shot in Dallas, Texas. More on that tomorrow. Don’t worry, David and The First Family of American Professional Wrestling got me in position to assess things in my style. Sorry Mr. Cuban; nice as your place might be, there is only one World Class house for the art form Lone Star way. Now that proper respects to The Von Erich’s and THEIR territory have been paid, can we yell at Vince McMahon from 30,000ft? Let’s find out.
The bad cartoon started as soon as Vince forgot the meaning of the word “suspended.” When someone is suspended from somewhere, they are not permitted to hijack any portion of the business, or the building where business is being conducted. WWE comes across as beyond stupid every time they do this, and they couldn’t care less. Kurt Angle opens Monday Night Raw with two lies that were proven wrong in 15 minutes. Dammit, tell your writing team to put your five-year-old brain away.
Angle says Reigns is still suspended and Lesnar is in route. Not two minutes after he gets this nonsense out of his mouth, The Big Dog comes from the crowd to claim his yard. Is anyone surprised? The Samoan Hype Machine says someone’s gotta represent for the main event at WrestleMania. After all; Mr. Roid Rage hasn’t shown up on a guarantee in three weeks, why would he show up now? Glad you asked Roman. Our GM says Big Dog is trespassing and they were prepared for Reigns’ “shocking” appearance. Hype Machine don’t care, sits down mid-ring waiting for Brock. Look, it’s fake US Marshals coming to arrest Roman in classic cartoon wrestling style!
Why is logic too much for Vinnie? When someone is arrested for trespassing, they aren’t let into the building by the party who calls the police. Knock it off! Fake cops come down and put cuffs on. They get too personal for Roman’s liking and he lets them know. They attempt to subdue him physically, and he roughs them up while “locked” in handcuffs. Gee, I wonder whose music will hit? Brock Lesnar ran down and assaulted The Samoan Hype Machine multiple times because WWE. The only thing worse than scripted announcer outrage is Corey Graves’ scripted Freudian jealousy of Sasha’s career because he can’t have one in the ring anymore. Break the fourth wall already.
With the first soap opera over, it’s on to normal programming. Sadly, I cannot say soaps were finished for Monday night. We would see way too much of Vince’s lack of anatomy for that to be the case. For now, a pallet cleanser with early recess. A talking parrot comes out to interview Alexa with Mickie James. Mickie, you’ve been at this the right way for too long. I hope this isn’t your final legacy. Little Miss Math Class was asked why she said such mean things to Nia Jax last week. Her answer? She wished she had said those things sooner, not smart. There was an actual match; omg, between Alexa and Asuka. Have I mentioned announcers annoy me? Asuka ain’t losin’ the streak before Mania. We know that. PLEASE shut up, thanks! Bliss got more offense in than expected. The Japanese Ace fought hard from underneath, eventually securing an Ankle Lock. This leads to a count out victory with the BFFs headed up the ramp. OH S***! It’s Big Fine, and she’s big time pissed off! Nia tried to pull Alexa out of the crowd and chased her through the technical area. No contact was made beyond Alexa getting her hair pulled. Later, Alexa tried to reason with an aggravated Angle, no dice. The Mania match for The Gold is set. She’s dead!
We enter the elementary segment of Raw as The Human Elmo and the best Wonder Woman in the art form, (Sorry April) come out to cut a promo on friendship. Bayley asked Sasha why she went after her at The Chamber. The Boss said it was about The Gold. The Female Dragon retorted about the non-tag. Bayley said they didn’t lose the match. Ladies, I can direct you to a better example of sisterhood here in Texas. I won’t Sabotage you, but they might. Thankfully, Absolute Yawn comes out to end the misery and start a non-descript tag match which the BFFs lost when Bayley bumped Sasha off the apron. I’m hoping Sasha snaps to set up their Mania match.
Angle comes out again to inform us that Braun Strowman did indeed win last week’s Tag Team Battle Royal clean. With the caveat that The Big Man must choose a partner, Braun does have a unique shot at Mania Gold. After a train wreck of a promo from The Bar, Strowman destroyed Cesaro in a singles match. Then The Revival beat Titus World Wide, saying afterward that they would enter The Andre Battle Royal as a team, and win it the same way. The last true match of the night saw The Bullet Club take on The Miztourage in a 6-Man Tag. Seth Rollins was on commentary. Miz took the pin, but he and his boys jumped Finn Balor post-match until Rollins made the save.
Unfortunately, that concluded the “normal” portion of Monday Night Raw. Strap in and try not to puke as we fly through three segments of crap for the television audience. Second soap opera begins when John Cena comes out to call out The Undertaker only to take a choke slam from The Big Red Libertarian, Kane for his troubles. Marks in college and younger, listen up. The Punisher made one of his earliest impressions in The World Class Wrestling Association working with The Von Erich Family in DALLAS, TEXAS! Mark Calloway could’ve come HOME Monday night to close his career properly before WrestleMania. I’m guessing one of the reasons for this negligence is so that Vincent Kennedy McMahon could confirm that he is the biggest p**** ever to promote the art form. Need more proof? Why were we subject to a pointless “match” five years passed its shelf-life? Although it was slightly satisfying to see Brother Nero. Stamford always feels a bit strained when they must acknowledge someone else’s creativity. Nice to see WWE still has a budget for pyro. Matt Hardy has turned into a baby face version of Kevin Sullivan, and that is very difficult to pull off. The match itself was awkward. Woken Matt won, though no one honestly thinks this feud is over
Why was Roman Reigns being arrested and killing 15 mins when Ronda Rousey was in the building? As much as I love the Dallas territory, why did they get her when the rest of us were retching throughout the show? I wish Kerry had one last Discus Punch and Iron Claw left for Vince McMahon. God Bless Texas, and God Bless The First Family of American Professional Wrestling. They would do a better job handling this roster. Time for a layover. I need to gas up the plane.