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Mad Man had an unexpected confrontation prior to jumping in the big bird on my way to a rare double shot in Dallas, Texas. More on that tomorrow. Don’t worry, David and The First Family of American Professional Wrestling got me in position to assess things in my style. Sorry Mr. Cuban; nice as your place might be, there is only one World Class house for the art form Lone Star way. Now that proper respects to The Von Erich’s and THEIR territory have been paid, can we yell at Vince McMahon from 30,000ft? Let’s find out.
The bad cartoon started as soon as Vince forgot the meaning of the word “suspended.” When someone is suspended from somewhere, they are not permitted to hijack any portion of the business, or the building where business is being conducted. WWE comes across as beyond stupid every time they do this, and they couldn’t care less. Kurt Angle opens Monday Night Raw with two lies that were proven wrong in 15 minutes. Dammit, tell your writing team to put your five-year-old brain away.
Angle says Reigns is still suspended and Lesnar is in route. Not two minutes after he gets this nonsense out of his mouth, The Big Dog comes from the crowd to claim his yard. Is anyone surprised? The Samoan Hype Machine says someone’s gotta represent for the main event at WrestleMania. After all; Mr. Roid Rage hasn’t shown up on a guarantee in three weeks, why would he show up now? Glad you asked Roman. Our GM says Big Dog is trespassing and they were prepared for Reigns’ “shocking” appearance. Hype Machine don’t care, sits down mid-ring waiting for Brock. Look, it’s fake US Marshals coming to arrest Roman in classic cartoon wrestling style!
Why is logic too much for Vinnie? When someone is arrested for trespassing, they aren’t let into the building by the party who calls the police. Knock it off! Fake cops come down and put cuffs on. They get too personal for Roman’s liking and he lets them know. They attempt to subdue him physically, and he roughs them up while “locked” in handcuffs. Gee, I wonder whose music will hit? Brock Lesnar ran down and assaulted The Samoan Hype Machine multiple times because WWE. The only thing worse than scripted announcer outrage is Corey Graves’ scripted Freudian jealousy of Sasha’s career because he can’t have one in the ring anymore. Break the fourth wall already.
With the first soap opera over, it’s on to normal programming. Sadly, I cannot say soaps were finished for Monday night. We would see way too much of Vince’s lack of anatomy for that to be the case. For now, a pallet cleanser with early recess. A talking parrot comes out to interview Alexa with Mickie James. Mickie, you’ve been at this the right way for too long. I hope this isn’t your final legacy. Little Miss Math Class was asked why she said such mean things to Nia Jax last week. Her answer? She wished she had said those things sooner, not smart. There was an actual match; omg, between Alexa and Asuka. Have I mentioned announcers annoy me? Asuka ain’t losin’ the streak before Mania. We know that. PLEASE shut up, thanks! Bliss got more offense in than expected. The Japanese Ace fought hard from underneath, eventually securing an Ankle Lock. This leads to a count out victory with the BFFs headed up the ramp. OH S***! It’s Big Fine, and she’s big time pissed off! Nia tried to pull Alexa out of the crowd and chased her through the technical area. No contact was made beyond Alexa getting her hair pulled. Later, Alexa tried to reason with an aggravated Angle, no dice. The Mania match for The Gold is set. She’s dead!
We enter the elementary segment of Raw as The Human Elmo and the best Wonder Woman in the art form, (Sorry April) come out to cut a promo on friendship. Bayley asked Sasha why she went after her at The Chamber. The Boss said it was about The Gold. The Female Dragon retorted about the non-tag. Bayley said they didn’t lose the match. Ladies, I can direct you to a better example of sisterhood here in Texas. I won’t Sabotage you, but they might. Thankfully, Absolute Yawn comes out to end the misery and start a non-descript tag match which the BFFs lost when Bayley bumped Sasha off the apron. I’m hoping Sasha snaps to set up their Mania match.
Angle comes out again to inform us that Braun Strowman did indeed win last week’s Tag Team Battle Royal clean. With the caveat that The Big Man must choose a partner, Braun does have a unique shot at Mania Gold. After a train wreck of a promo from The Bar, Strowman destroyed Cesaro in a singles match. Then The Revival beat Titus World Wide, saying afterward that they would enter The Andre Battle Royal as a team, and win it the same way. The last true match of the night saw The Bullet Club take on The Miztourage in a 6-Man Tag. Seth Rollins was on commentary. Miz took the pin, but he and his boys jumped Finn Balor post-match until Rollins made the save.
Unfortunately, that concluded the “normal” portion of Monday Night Raw. Strap in and try not to puke as we fly through three segments of crap for the television audience. Second soap opera begins when John Cena comes out to call out The Undertaker only to take a choke slam from The Big Red Libertarian, Kane for his troubles. Marks in college and younger, listen up. The Punisher made one of his earliest impressions in The World Class Wrestling Association working with The Von Erich Family in DALLAS, TEXAS! Mark Calloway could’ve come HOME Monday night to close his career properly before WrestleMania. I’m guessing one of the reasons for this negligence is so that Vincent Kennedy McMahon could confirm that he is the biggest p**** ever to promote the art form. Need more proof? Why were we subject to a pointless “match” five years passed its shelf-life? Although it was slightly satisfying to see Brother Nero. Stamford always feels a bit strained when they must acknowledge someone else’s creativity. Nice to see WWE still has a budget for pyro. Matt Hardy has turned into a baby face version of Kevin Sullivan, and that is very difficult to pull off. The match itself was awkward. Woken Matt won, though no one honestly thinks this feud is over
Why was Roman Reigns being arrested and killing 15 mins when Ronda Rousey was in the building? As much as I love the Dallas territory, why did they get her when the rest of us were retching throughout the show? I wish Kerry had one last Discus Punch and Iron Claw left for Vince McMahon. God Bless Texas, and God Bless The First Family of American Professional Wrestling. They would do a better job handling this roster. Time for a layover. I need to gas up the plane.
Mad Man’s Spinal Tap & 20 Questions
Back to back weeks we see the Mad Man come to play in our sandbox. Does this article go to 11? Are the retread concepts, just hollow nowadays?
Back to back weeks we see the Mad Man come to play in our sandbox! Does this article go to 11?
When you have decades of experience watching the art form, your eyes and thought processes change. It’s the reason my colleagues can break down pending news and angles we haven’t seen yet. Mr. Meltzer made a cottage industry out of it. A ton of people on The Internet are trying to follow suit. Then, there are fans like me. As much as I love twitter, Professional Wrestling fans were never meant to receive “spoilers” every day.
This is NOT a “Back in my day…” thing. My eyes have changed too. However, I am focused more on WWE’s calendar when watching Stamford’s offering. If I think about wrestling. it’s very simple. My suspension of disbelief is gone for very few performers. In fact, I would say it’s gone for most fans. If we know it’s a work, why are scripts and outcomes still based on the assumption that we don’t? If I have seen a gimmick before, I am VERY hard to impress. Make me believe you can beat somebody; and stand out doing so, or I will chew you up and spit you the Hell out.
For those who say I should keep my mouth shut because I can’t perform and never have, I DON’T CARE! Saint Dave gets a pass, and y’all still watch the current product like his lap dogs and clones, despite “knowing’ the outcome? I don’t watch for the outcome anymore. Based on character development and pushes, I can see that coming. Call me a hypocrite and I will play 20 Questions with you. Can you get me to the finish line without looking like an idiot or a laughable copy of someone else?
Su Yung is 5’6’’ish. Marks and sheep world wide are transfixed and petrified? Make up aside, why? She is impersonating three legends with no unique move set and doing it very badly. Without her zombies, can she beat anybody? Mr. Calloway used druids. He was 6’10’’ and did not need them to kick your ass. Mick Foley put himself and you through HELL before using The Mandible Claw. You had no choice but to take it. The Great Muta was arguably the best Rising Sun performer of all time. He had a move set most American fans had never seen before. The Mist was believable in his hands because audience and opponent were spinning trying to keep up with him. Where is Su Yung’s Mysticism? As much as fans love her, there are no OMG moments in her matches, and her gimmick is predicated on them.
She is far from the only example. Twitter went crazy about a month ago because a top name on the indies put something in her opponent’s mouth during a match. Outside of a prison fight, when would this EVER HAPPEN? Why is this necessary? If this is a work, why would any girl allow someone to do this? Tell me why either woman gets hired again without the parrot response? Same question applies to Joseph. Dude ain’t pickin’ up anybody like that in real life. I dare him to pick my wheelchair up with his finish. He would be in traction.
Tony Schiavone is our crazy wrestling fan uncle. Our memories of him when we were kids and teenagers all ROCK! He is without question one of the best to ever call the action. God Bless Conrad Flair for bringing him back to the art form. Among other fun stuff, he now does commentary for MLW. With tongue firmly planted in cheek; I must say, I have a slight problem with him. I understand that it is his job. He continues to put MJF over because?? I get the gimmick. It’s just OLD! He is ripping off The Miz. One look at him, and you can see that. “I have more money than you.” So did DiBiase. And if you did, you wouldn’t need the $50.00 a night you made before Tony started calling your matches because you’d be paying him. Just wait until Mike retires before you go to New York.
Finally, we arrive at the biggest tent. Vinnie’s circus was on The West Coast in The House of Hot Rod & Billy Jack Haynes. Sheep under 25 are now asking a three-worded question. The only help you’ll get from me is to say that he may have been the father of Modern Independent Wrestling. Sometimes, it wasn’t his choice, and he is still fighting demons today.
Back to this week. Didn’t Spinal Tap all stand in the Center Ring around a month ago and do a babyface promo? “It’s our fault. We’ll do better for you. This is YOUR product.” First, I believe Stephanie as a babyface as much as I believe Saint Richard as a babyface. Shut up and go home as a shoot. Second, as big a moron as Vince is, he’s NOT leaving the person carrying the big top out of WrestleMania! Outside of the obvious, Becky’s leg is a work. SHE WAS LIMPING ON THE WRONG ONE ON MONDAY! Seth Rollins is hurt as a shoot. He WASN’T at Monday Night Raw. If Becky wasn’t cleared, she wouldn’t be on either show. So WHY is everybody going apes*** over this?
Sometimes, I can’t tell which group is Spinal Tap?
Is it the group on stage or the sheep who believe what they’re watching? I truly wish this art form was treated more like real competition.
Mad Man’s Consequences Of Sainthood
Does the lineage of Saint Ric need no explanation?
It’s been a while since Mad Man has landed his Sea Duck in our waters. He has a Flair for gold and the bold! Let’s see where this goes.
Let’s see if I remember how to do this. The Internet Wrestling Community has not seen this from me in months. Something BIG had to happen to get me out of hiding.
I’d say this week at Vinnie’s Circus certainly qualifies. If you’re expecting me to wax poetic about the dudes, take some Nyquil and go back to sleep. The Royal Rumble is both brilliant and flawed at the same time. And yes, it is about effing time the ladies got their shot to steal the show. Although, it can be quite successfully argued, they do so on a nightly basis already. All did a fabulous job last year. Including my girl; Lady Banks, going well past an hour over two nights. Drawing The Shawn Michaels Slot at #1, And then, making a beeline to the ring for a nose-to-nose promo with The Female Muta, Asuka.
The Female Dragon had two words echoing through Philadelphia to kick off Monday Night: “I’M READY!” Those who saw the full confrontation know she was. Who was her opposition in the desert again? The thought of The Rumble being flawed is not new. Especially when its ultimate goal is taken into account. Win the damn thing and Main Event The Showcase of The Immortals! Wait, what did I just say? Back to that shortly.
Blemishes in the execution of this concept make their first appearance innocently enough. The victor in this contest is not based on who participates in it. The Champions headed into WrestleMania dictate the finish. What results from algebra like this? Simple, in most years over 80% of the field is background noise. Most of the time, smarks and sheep alike have a pretty good idea who’s headed to Mania. Overwhelmingly, we don’t mind as long as we get a great match. This changes when the feminine equivalent of Mike Tyson shows up on Vinnie’s doorstep, signs a convoluted contract, and just might bail after the biggest show of the year. Storyline and logic; what little there is in this art form we love, take a beating when Vinnie says Tyson MUST face Holyfield before she runs off to have kids and turn into Brock Lesnar.
What the Hell does he do with the Female Connor McGregor?
The BEST organic baby face in the industry this decade. He turned into Helen Keller on Monday Night. No, you little prick! I am in the wheelchair. You are not disabled! Did he see or feel the crowd in Phoenix? I certainly did. In fact, my neighbors knocked on my apartment door to ask if I was alright. That’s how loud I was. Vince, you haven’t had an honest crowd reaction like that in 20 years, and you wanna pollute it? “Jesus, she wasn’t supposed to be here. You mean these fans AREN’T sheep?” Don’t worry Vince, they’re still sheep and this is still all about Flair and McMahon, DAMMIT! For those laughing at me and saying it’s a work; guess what? It doesn’t have to feel like a work!
I started feeling like something was different about Professional Wrestling in the late ‘80s, when nobody could kick Ric Flair’s ass and get rid of him. First switch of NWA Gold I remember? Ronnie Garvin taking out Flair in Detroit, 1988. As an eight-year-old, I was hardly thinking about math. Why does this matter? Garvin had The Gold six weeks. He had one Title Defense at the end of that window, against Ric Flair. Guess who won? Everybody does cartwheels over his trilogy with The Dragon in 1989, not me. Don’t get me wrong, phenomenal matches, but Ric Flair was always walking out with Championship Gold. Hey Ric, the art itself was a work. Why show us The Gold was too? Spanning from 1984 and Kerry Von Erich to 1993 And Barry Windham, Ric Flair was GIVEN no less than five runs with NWA Gold or its equal because he was Saint Richard Flair isn’t the only idiot in the modern art. During his last holy act with Ricky Steamboat, Vincent Kennedy McMahon walks into a New Jersey courtroom and gigs the business hard way. Exposing it simply because he doesn’t wanna pay taxes on an authentic sporting event. Excuse every child under ten at the time? THANKS VINCE!
Two years later, WWF Gold was held up. How does he deal with this? First, let’s bring Ric Flair in because those in charge of WCW were absolute MORONS! Wait, Vinnie can’t have Hulk Hogan pinned in 1992. “It’s okay, we’ll put Gold on the line at The Royal Rumble. Winner gets The Strap!” Awesome, a boatload of great performers! Did ANYBODY really think Ric Flair wasn’t winning this match? HELL, Hogan pulled Sid Justice out from the floor! At least Flair won in 1992. Flash forward almost three decades. If the concept is, “Winner gets choice of Champion at WrestleMania” Why is Sid Justice going to Main Event Mania FROM THE FLOOR? Hey ass****, if you NEED Tyson/Holyfield, do the Bret/Luger finish! Becky WON the match! Here’s an idea, every televised event from here to Mania is held in an empty arena until we are given a collective Heimlich Maneuver to expel Ashley from our systems. The WWE Universe would never do this because sheep love this circus. If this stands, The Women’s Royal Rumble has jumped the shark just two years in. Vince, we know it’s a work.
Why must you insist on making it THIS! Give Asuka to Ashley. You don’t need to verify Charlotte Flair’s Sainthood. Sasha Banks has seen it three times.