In case of a catastrophic event, like aliens, mutant tigers, an eternity of Bayley promos – whatever living hell you can imagine, the world will need a hero. So I’ve spent countless hours combing through the history of wrestling, trying to find the best man or woman for the job.
You may be wondering; how does one quantify poise and leadership via results of a scripted athletic display? Well, I guess it’s time for you to sit back, grab a bucket of churros or deep fried Oreos, and be amazed at the historical accuracy of this list.
5. Godzilla/Angel/Kaiju Attacks
Now, why is this only number 5 you may ask? Well, there’s tons of big monster movies, the formula for defeat is known, they aren’t exactly special anymore.
For this we call upon the man who invented Gundams himself, Chico el Luchador.
You see, he invented actual Gundams in 1979 and shipped them to Japan so they could make an anime to throw humanity off the scent. The concept for the show and robot came to Chico in a fever dream, where he imagined his grandfather, Chico Gran Classico, as a member of the Kaiser’s WW1 army, whilst still wearing his mask.
Japan decided to model Char Aznable after this thought, but dyed his clothes and gimmick red, once again, as a way to detract people (fun fact: also where the phrase “red herring” came from, thank Chico for that).
4. Zombie Apocalypse
Again, so many iterations, we already have a few ideas for victory.
This one would be the most accurate wrestler in the history of space and time! No, it’s not Killshot, don’t give me that “He’s a Sniper” crap, you sit down and learn. The only man who’s never done a job and been perfect since his childhood…is Chico el Luchador.
He was a wrestling prodigy, broke Black Jack Mulligan’s White Castle record, what makes you think he can’t shoot?
Didn’t you know he invented the Triple Churro and Burrito Bowl in a pinata match? Long before ladders were introduced into our beloved sport, Chico devised an idea to hang a prize above the ring. So thanks do his Arena Mexico days, he learned of pinatas, and his love of the Biathlon inspired him to add rifles.
So the concept was simple, first one to grab the rifle, shoot down the pinata and claim either the 3 churros or burrito bowl, would be the winner of the match. Chico had 5 (cinco) straight victories, until one night, he shot down the pinata and it broke apart at the feet of Gordita Furiosa, the manager of many Rudo luchadors, exoticos and luchadoras. In her genius, she inhaled the contents of the pinata once it broke apart, thus causing a no contest.
Soon after, she passed away due to dehydration after an epic case of explosive diarrhea, so sadly, the match was outlawed in 1983 (Another fun fact: Chico told this story to the creators of Mad Max, so they created the Imperator Furiosa character in memory of this match).
3. Ancient Chinese Magic Causes Big Trouble in Little Earth
Kurt Russel may have trucker hats and being a sidekick with a lot of screen time down to a science. But that wouldn’t fly nowadays.
The best way to fight magic, is to find someone who’s life mirrors that of magical mystery. So I give you, our Jack Burton of the new age: Chico el Luchador!
You won’t need a girl with green eyes, when you got the man in green tights (not Misawa)! We all have seen Chico’s ability in the ring, as well as, his fantastic business acumen. It’s all thanks to him being born in a Canadian Chamber of Secrets. It was like the Hart family Dungeon, but under a staircase, filled with cheese curds and Quebec Nordiques games on repeat.
So he broke out of his chamber thanks to being able to pick a lock with his tongue after licking so many stamps for postage (get it, it’s a parcel tongue joke, shut up, I’m funny). Defeated his evil capture by kicking his nose off and fleeing to Mexico, but stopping in Los Angeles due to a bad transfer.
Along the way, he learned to live, love, laugh, and shoot lightning bolts from his forehead (a skill he repressed in fairness to everyone else).
So Chico, is basically Harry Potter, not sure how J.K. Rowling learned of these things though since England is for nerds, but Harry Potter can beat Ancient Chinese magic easily.
2. Alien Invasion
I won’t even mislead you this time, it’s Chico el Luchador.
He has seen every X-Files episode, had a cameo in Mars Attacks and has an easy answer.
When I asked him about his plan, he very simply said, ” I would show them Battlefield Earth”.
We all know, any intelligent life form would either commit mass suicide or at the very least turn around and rethink life. Chico has all the answers, he’s basically a luchador 8-ball.
1. Bullet Club Breaks Up
Possibly the most catastrophic event looming over humanity. Is it plausible? Is Bullet Club Fine?
If Cody is unable to repair the frayed ties of the Bullet Club, who else can do it? Kenny Omega? No, he’s too busy getting back together with his ex-boyfriend. Doesn’t he know once they’re an ex, they should stay an ex? Prince Devitt? Nope, he died in the Bermuda Triangle while throwing up the “Too Sweet” sign.
-Chico my friends-
Chico el Luchador can save them. His savvy business skills, their idolization of him, and all things Bullet Club are a copy of his old stable in AAA, Cuchillos de Baile aka Dancing Knives. Real men wield the steel instead of guns, and people like to dance at the club. So Bullet Club is just white washing Cuchillos de Baile.
The dulcet tones of his voice, would soothingly narrate a Bullet Club origin movie, and while you’re enjoying the show, you’ll be falling in love with him and Bullet Club all over again. Golden Lovers? No way, Chico Lovers. Chico is love, Chico is life.
Todos podemos aprender algo de Chico. El mundo es mejor porque él es nuestro héroe. Además, mi conjugación para español es terrible.
This article brought to you by DDT Yoga, it helped to cure my athlete’s foot and regrew my wisdom teeth. Feel the Stang!
#FAKENEWS: WWE To Add A Fifth Pod To The Elimination Chamber???
Monday on WWE Raw the company held a multi-man match to determine the final participant in the Elimination Chamber.
And–SHOCKER–we didn’t have one winner. We basically had two. And one of them wasn’t even supposed to be in the match!
What happens next???
Well, our sources (with seriously close knowledge of the situation, like so close they needed to sign a consent form) tell us that WWE is about to do something revolutionary and history making.
And that makes sense, you know how much they love to tell you when they are making history…right, Women’s Royal Rumble?
What our sources have told us with great certainty is that this is all a set-up for WWE to add a fifth chamber to the Elimination Chamber structure, and that pod will debut on February 25 in Las Vegas at the T-Mobile Arena.
Now, the current chamber has four distinct corners, but WWE plans to alleviate that issue by placing the pod ON TOP OF THE CHAMBER.
But there’s more! They still plan to resolve the Seth Rollins/Finn Balor issue by having Rollins qualify, meaning the fifth pod will hold a MYSTERY PARTICIPANT.
And it won’t be on a timer like other pods, because we know WWE PPV events aren’t allowed to run long. It’ll be opened when the announcers say a SECRET WORD OR PHRASE.
It’ll go down something like this:
“Jonathan Coachman: One thing I’ve noticed since returning, these crowds can’t let go of CM Punk.
Michael Cole: Wait, did you just say…CM PUNK???
Corey Graves: THAT’S THE SECRET WORD, COACH!”
POOF! Pod opens, Jinder Mahal falls out. Smell the money!
(No word on how this impacts the Women’s Elimination Chamber match, btw.)
The Chairshot reminds you, when reading wrestling news, to Always Use Your Head!
#FAKENEWS: Top 5 Rumors About Cody Rhodes Losing The ROH World Championship
Cody Rhodes lost the ROH World Championship, which means one thing. Peacocks are running wild, brother!
Okay, it actually means a lot of things! But it also means that the internet will be buzzing with potential “reasons” and “backstage news” on why this took place. Basically, speculation and imagination will run rampant in the name of clicks and ad revenue!
But why wait and let them have all the fun! While we encourage you to “Always Use Your Head,” we also know you’re smart enough to know a good time when you see one.
That’s why we here at The Chairshot are proud to preset our Top 5 Fake Rumors About Cody Rhodes Losing The ROH World Championship!
5. Cody Rhodes was upset over that new ROH World Championship
Earlier this week, ROH debuted a brand new design for its world championship, thanks to the fine folks at Wildcat Belts. While it was mostly met with praise, one thing was easily forgotten…
How can you not replace the belt with the ring if it doesn’t match the belt??? I mean, it’s like M&Ms eating M&Ms in the commercials—it’s not natural!
So the fake rumor here is that Cody wanted to drop the title because he was pissed that he bought a ring and those scoundrels in Baltimore went and got a new belt, totally undermining his bad ass ring.
4. Cody Rhodes has a degenerative condition that not only puts his career at risk, it also causes hair to lose pigment
It was quite a surprise when Cody Rhodes showed up at Final Battle with stark white hair. That can only be explained with two words: degenerative condition.
Obviously Cody Rhodes has a condition that will cut his career short (like he can only wrestle for 6 more weeks and that’s it), and it’s so rare that it also caused his hair to lose all of its color overnight.
— Italo Santana (@BulletClubItal) December 16, 2017
Damn, that sucks for Cody.
3. ROH saw that Triple H pinned Jinder Mahal in India and wanted to (quite literally) show New York that they can have the wrong guy lose, too!
If you thought Matt Hardy was the only one waging The Great War, you were sadly mistaken. Ring Of Honor has lined up their allied forces (New Japan, CMLL, and a bunch of kids wearing Bullet Club shirts) and are headed right for Stamford!
— FrenchNygma (@FrenchNygma) December 9, 2017
The first shot was fired tonight, when ROH set out to prove that they can make the entire internet confused over a decision better than WWE can when they had Cody Rhodes lose at the height of his Bullet Club fandom, easily surpassing having part-timer Triple H pin Jinder Mahal clean in Mother-India.
2. Cody Rhodes signed with WWE
He’ll clearly be Number 30 in the Royal Rumble in Philly. It’s basically Money In The Bank at this point.
Cody, your inner Stardust is coming out again! pic.twitter.com/uHCRIvpPxH
— Phil Jaffe (@PhilJaffe) December 15, 2017
Wait, did we just confuse our Big 4/5 pay-per-view events? Methinks we did!
Honorable Mentions (Because five just wasn’t enough)
- Cody Rhodes is a lifelong Dalton Castle fan, and if you had the secret decoder ring you’d have seen that “Lose the ROH World Championship to Dalton Castle at Final Battle at the Hammerstein Ballroom in New York City” was absolutely on the “Cody List.”
- Viral meningitis
- He was becoming a bigger star than Goldust, and we simply cannot have that, now can we?
- The other idea was a time limit draw, and we all saw how well THAT went over in 2009.
1. Dammit because Brandi Rhodes said so
Listen, it should be obvious by now who really wears the pants in the Rhodes household.
That’s right, it’s Cody. Because Brandi Rhodes prefers skirts, and she looks damn fine in ‘em! She also makes the decisions, and she felt like Ring Of Honor was holding them down. I mean, she’s a bona fide star now! She’s on WAGS Atlanta on the E! Network, which is totally better than being on Arrow on the CW.
— Brandi Rhodes (@TheBrandiRhodes) November 3, 2017
Seriously, Stephen Amell is nothing when compared to Niche Caldwell!
Obviously we are having some fun here, but that is why we watch wrestling. I’m sure there’s an amazing plan in place, and it will all be great.
Regardless, please remember one thing when the “news reports” start coming out about Cody’s loss: Always Use Your Head!