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Cheap Shots: Impact Quickie #1

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Cheap Shots are unfiltered, uncensored opinions, and those opinions reflect only the author!

 

Due to the comedic nature of Anthem and Impact Wrestling, the framework of this article is an homage and a parody of Comedy Central’s Mystery Science Theatre 3000. This is not meant to infringe on intellectual or creative property of Comedy Central or the creators of Mystery Science Theatre 3000.

 

“Mad Man” staying grounded this weekend. Trying something different. The planes are in the hanger. A few days ago, a friend won a 4-pack of tickets to an indie movie theatre. The tickets listed an animated feature with several voice-overs I hadn’t heard from in quite a while. The production company was listed as Anthem out of Dallas. Given the fact tickets were free, why not bring my talking ring post and corner turnbuckles to laugh at everything for two hours?

Good thing I came for the previews. I saw promos for a live action documentary involving two performers I’ve been wanting to see work together for a long time. More on that next week. On to the feature presentation. PC Little Dragon; (ring post), recognizes our narrators immediately. “Oh goody, it’s the best subcontinental performer in the art form, and the dude who was a heel long enough to lose a majority of a peanut-sized audience!”

Throughout the initial scene they attempted to project the action as current, but the digital copy kept freezing and jumping. I could almost swear the data was weeks old and had been seriously altered. AI Hercules, (corner turnbuckles) chimes in: “A political everyman who used to impersonate a dinosaur and A Southern Belle’s kayfabe Nephew…Doesn’t he work for a bigger circus now?” The T-Rex with common sense used to be the nephew’s protection. At the time of production, it was made clear that Tyrus came back to focus on personal success. As a result, he could be a big man, and get the win.

PC Little Dragon notices The Gold, The Son of The Ghost is wearing: “Did the guy take his car somewhere and leave the belt as collateral?” I shook my head:

“No, you weirdo, it’s a top promotion in Mexico. He beat a Divisional Champion down there to claim it.” I could see him thinking. He didn’t follow up, so I will: Why wasn’t the strap on the line? Does the cross-promotion with AAA increase viewership? Second Generation Ghost’s opposition this night was Braxton Sutter. A bald, non-descript competitor who hadn’t shown up on TV in a while. He was exhibiting heel tactics in trying to prevail. This switch didn’t work. Mexico’s Second Ghost won the match clean. Afterward, Sutter runs his ex and Impact Management down simultaneously. AI Hercules pontificates: “Not Allie, but I’ve heard millions criticize Impact Management?” I couldn’t disagree with him.

Sutter’s whining stops when music hits and a big man named Brian Cage comes out and destroys him with The Drill Claw. “Bald Dude’s brain is officially scrambled!” Braxton would come out later and prove PC Little Dragon correct. Matt Sydal must be on some long acid trip. He cuts a promo about his third eye being open.

AI Hercules asks: “Is he listening to some cover band from back when you graduated high school?”

I laughed: “I don’t know. Haven’t seen him in a while.” Ishimori interrupts Sydal’s ramblings by presenting him with a Japanese scroll. The Impact Grand Champion is above reading it himself. Ms. Mitchell, the interviewer is asked to read it. Written in English is a challenge for The Gold, though Ms. Mitchell won’t read the last sentence. Ishimori finishes it for her. Staring at Sydal, “You’re a douche bag!”

Simultaneously, the robots ask: “Isn’t the guy who used to run this promotion a douche bag?”

I nod in agreement: “He’s been one for decades.”

Time to put my companions on mute and rip Impact apart. Creative can’t come up with a better name or gimmick than Kongo Kong? If he is Samoan, those working with him should be more respectful of the art form’s history on those islands. Now on to his mouthpiece. Is THIS the mysterious Jimmy Jacobs? The same guy who got fired from The East Coast Circus for taking a picture with reheated indie clowns? YAWN! Brother, I know it’s a gimmick and I don’t care. You look like a bad combination of The Disco Inferno and Vince Russo. I saw it 20 years ago, It was lame then, sleep inducing now.

Speaking of things I saw two decades ago: Joseph Park may be the stupidest gimmick/alter-ego in the history of the modern art form. Makes Jinder Mahal look like Bret Hart. After a squash match with a freaked-out Park, The Maybe Samoan started choking him out while Little Vinnie asked Abyss to come out. Park had said no many times previously and followed suit under duress. PS: Can someone tell me why WWE hasn’t sued Impact or TNA over the Abyss character?

I will say this once: Mr. Tequila should be black balled from the art form. He was pretending to be tough with Senor Mundo and A-Double. I will cover that one-on-one match next week. Now, what are two X Division athletes doing messing with Konnan and LAX? AND: Where the Hell did their potential Knockout go?  Anyway, dudes, Konnan’s been in the game a long time. Unless you guys have better backup, you’re done.

Time to make The Hivelings happy, and sad! Ms. Rosemary comes out to spread her special joy among her Impact Zone followers. Then “Thursday’s” sacrifice comes out. The Huntress has potential, but this time she did the job quickly. Afterward, The Demon Assassin takes the mic to remind The Knockouts and Hivelings that she is “The Alpha B****!” Surprise…Music hits of The Norsewoman claiming to be Lucha Royalty. Johnny’s better half cuts an in-ring promo mocking Rosemary. They both back out of the ring, staring holes into each other, The Painted Demon turns her back, which allows Taya to begin her assault. The climax saw The Queen of The Hive take a Road to Valhalla on the ramp.

Now I can reboot my friends for the home stretch. PC Little Dragon asks: “What the Hell is a Commitment Ceremony to a strap and why is Laurel Van Ness insane?” I couldn’t answer him on either account. Chelsea Green; the woman behind the character is gorgeous and trained in the art form. Yet, she has been a Bridezilla Zombie in this promotion for years? She must be the ultimate pro and enjoy her work. Any wedding angle in wrestling doesn’t end well. This was no different.

Bald Braxton comes out AGAIN! AI Hercules busts out laughing. “Mr. Scrambled Brains…” Sutter came out to cement a heel turn and ask The Zombie Bride to include him in this new “family.” Van Ness flips out and kicks him out of the ring. She asks for Allie to come out and object. Shock of shocks, Allie is impersonating a cameraman behind her, Van Ness turns around, gets jumped, and runs off.

Last match of the night saw Eddie Edwards take on Sami Callihan. Ohio Versus Everything is running with Callihan. The Haunted House Duo is kicked out of ringside. The match itself started with dueling no sell dives to the floor. It was a very physical encounter. Edwards got the win, but Callihan assaulted him after. Once again, the digital copy froze and jumped as Bobby Lashley; no longer at Impact was jumped by OVE while trying to assist Edwards. My robot friends and I have had a blast laughing at this limited engagement run by a scattered production company and a scattered promotion

 

 

 

 

 

 


Let us know what you think on social media @theCHAIRSHOTcom and always remember to use the hashtag #UseYourHead!
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Mad Man’s Spinal Tap & 20 Questions

Back to back weeks we see the Mad Man come to play in our sandbox. Does this article go to 11? Are the retread concepts, just hollow nowadays?

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Back to back weeks we see the Mad Man come to play in our sandbox! Does this article go to 11?

When you have decades of experience watching the art form, your eyes and thought processes change. It’s the reason my colleagues can break down pending news and angles we haven’t seen yet. Mr. Meltzer made a cottage industry out of it. A ton of people on The Internet are trying to follow suit. Then, there are fans like me. As much as I love twitter, Professional Wrestling fans were never meant to receive “spoilers” every day.

This is NOT a “Back in my day…” thing. My eyes have changed too. However, I am focused more on WWE’s calendar when watching Stamford’s offering. If I think about wrestling. it’s very simple. My suspension of disbelief is gone for very few performers. In fact, I would say it’s gone for most fans. If we know it’s a work, why are scripts and outcomes still based on the assumption that we don’t? If I have seen a gimmick before, I am VERY hard to impress. Make me believe you can beat somebody; and stand out doing so, or I will chew you up and spit you the Hell out.

For those who say I should keep my mouth shut because I can’t perform and never have, I DON’T CARE! Saint Dave gets a pass, and y’all still watch the current product like his lap dogs and clones, despite “knowing’ the outcome? I don’t watch for the outcome anymore. Based on character development and pushes, I can see that coming. Call me a hypocrite and I will play 20 Questions with you. Can you get me to the finish line without looking like an idiot or a laughable copy of someone else?

Su Yung is 5’6’’ish. Marks and sheep world wide are transfixed and petrified? Make up aside, why? She is impersonating three legends with no unique move set and doing it very badly. Without her zombies, can she beat anybody? Mr. Calloway used druids. He was 6’10’’ and did not need them to kick your ass. Mick Foley put himself and you through HELL before using The Mandible Claw. You had no choice but to take it. The Great Muta was arguably the best Rising Sun performer of all time. He had a move set most American fans had never seen before. The Mist was believable in his hands because audience and opponent were spinning trying to keep up with him. Where is Su Yung’s Mysticism? As much as fans love her, there are no OMG moments in her matches, and her gimmick is predicated on them.

She is far from the only example. Twitter went crazy about a month ago because a top name on the indies put something in her opponent’s mouth during a match. Outside of a prison fight, when would this EVER HAPPEN? Why is this necessary? If this is a work, why would any girl allow someone to do this? Tell me why either woman gets hired again without the parrot response? Same question applies to Joseph. Dude ain’t pickin’ up anybody like that in real life. I dare him to pick my wheelchair up with his finish. He would be in traction.

Tony Schiavone is our crazy wrestling fan uncle. Our memories of him when we were kids and teenagers all ROCK! He is without question one of the best to ever call the action. God Bless Conrad Flair for bringing him back to the art form. Among other fun stuff, he now does commentary for MLW. With tongue firmly planted in cheek; I must say, I have a slight problem with him. I understand that it is his job. He continues to put MJF over because?? I get the gimmick. It’s just OLD! He is ripping off The Miz. One look at him, and you can see that. “I have more money than you.” So did DiBiase. And if you did, you wouldn’t need the $50.00 a night you made before Tony started calling your matches because you’d be paying him. Just wait until Mike retires before you go to New York.

Finally, we arrive at the biggest tent. Vinnie’s circus was on The West Coast in The House of Hot Rod & Billy Jack Haynes. Sheep under 25 are now asking a three-worded question. The only help you’ll get from me is to say that he may have been the father of Modern Independent Wrestling. Sometimes, it wasn’t his choice, and he is still fighting demons today.

Back to this week. Didn’t Spinal Tap all stand in the Center Ring around a month ago and do a babyface promo? “It’s our fault. We’ll do better for you. This is YOUR product.” First, I believe Stephanie as a babyface as much as I believe Saint Richard as a babyface. Shut up and go home as a shoot. Second, as big a moron as Vince is, he’s NOT leaving the person carrying the big top out of WrestleMania! Outside of the obvious, Becky’s leg is a work. SHE WAS LIMPING ON THE WRONG ONE ON MONDAY! Seth Rollins is hurt as a shoot. He WASN’T at Monday Night Raw. If Becky wasn’t cleared, she wouldn’t be on either show. So WHY is everybody going apes*** over this?

Sometimes, I can’t tell which group is Spinal Tap?

Is it the group on stage or the sheep who believe what they’re watching? I truly wish this art form was treated more like real competition.


Let us know what you think on social media @theCHAIRSHOTcom and always remember to use the hashtag #UseYourHead!
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Mad Man’s Consequences Of Sainthood

Does the lineage of Saint Ric need no explanation?

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It’s been a while since Mad Man has landed his Sea Duck in our waters. He has a Flair for gold and the bold! Let’s see where this goes.

Let’s see if I remember how to do this. The Internet Wrestling Community has not seen this from me in months. Something BIG had to happen to get me out of hiding.

I’d say this week at Vinnie’s Circus certainly qualifies. If you’re expecting me to wax poetic about the dudes, take some Nyquil and go back to sleep. The Royal Rumble is both brilliant and flawed at the same time. And yes, it is about effing time the ladies got their shot to steal the show. Although, it can be quite successfully argued, they do so on a nightly basis already. All did a fabulous job last year. Including my girl; Lady Banks, going well past an hour over two nights. Drawing The Shawn Michaels Slot at #1, And then, making a beeline to the ring for a nose-to-nose promo with The Female Muta, Asuka.

The Female Dragon had two words echoing through Philadelphia to kick off Monday Night: “I’M READY!” Those who saw the full confrontation know she was. Who was her opposition in the desert again? The thought of The Rumble being flawed is not new. Especially when its ultimate goal is taken into account. Win the damn thing and Main Event The Showcase of The Immortals! Wait, what did I just say? Back to that shortly.

Blemishes in the execution of this concept make their first appearance innocently enough. The victor in this contest is not based on who participates in it. The Champions headed into WrestleMania dictate the finish. What results from algebra like this? Simple, in most years over 80% of the field is background noise. Most of the time, smarks and sheep alike have a pretty good idea who’s headed to Mania. Overwhelmingly, we don’t mind as long as we get a great match. This changes when the feminine equivalent of Mike Tyson shows up on Vinnie’s doorstep, signs a convoluted contract, and just might bail after the biggest show of the year. Storyline and logic; what little there is in this art form we love, take a beating when Vinnie says Tyson MUST face Holyfield before she runs off to have kids and turn into Brock Lesnar.

What the Hell does he do with the Female Connor McGregor?

The BEST organic baby face in the industry this decade. He turned into Helen Keller on Monday Night. No, you little prick! I am in the wheelchair. You are not disabled! Did he see or feel the crowd in Phoenix? I certainly did. In fact, my neighbors knocked on my apartment door to ask if I was alright. That’s how loud I was. Vince, you haven’t had an honest crowd reaction like that in 20 years, and you wanna pollute it? “Jesus, she wasn’t supposed to be here. You mean these fans AREN’T sheep?” Don’t worry Vince, they’re still sheep and this is still all about Flair and McMahon, DAMMIT! For those laughing at me and saying it’s a work; guess what? It doesn’t have to feel like a work!

I started feeling like something was different about Professional Wrestling in the late ‘80s, when nobody could kick Ric Flair’s ass and get rid of him. First switch of NWA Gold I remember? Ronnie Garvin taking out Flair in Detroit, 1988. As an eight-year-old, I was hardly thinking about math. Why does this matter? Garvin had The Gold six weeks. He had one Title Defense at the end of that window, against Ric Flair. Guess who won? Everybody does cartwheels over his trilogy with The Dragon in 1989, not me. Don’t get me wrong, phenomenal matches, but Ric Flair was always walking out with Championship Gold. Hey Ric, the art itself was a work. Why show us The Gold was too? Spanning from 1984 and Kerry Von Erich to 1993 And Barry Windham, Ric Flair was GIVEN no less than five runs with NWA Gold or its equal because he was Saint Richard Flair isn’t the only idiot in the modern art. During his last holy act with Ricky Steamboat, Vincent Kennedy McMahon walks into a New Jersey courtroom and gigs the business hard way. Exposing it simply because he doesn’t wanna pay taxes on an authentic sporting event. Excuse every child under ten at the time? THANKS VINCE!

Two years later, WWF Gold was held up. How does he deal with this? First, let’s bring Ric Flair in because those in charge of WCW were absolute MORONS! Wait, Vinnie can’t have Hulk Hogan pinned in 1992. “It’s okay, we’ll put Gold on the line at The Royal Rumble. Winner gets The Strap!” Awesome, a boatload of great performers! Did ANYBODY really think Ric Flair wasn’t winning this match? HELL, Hogan pulled Sid Justice out from the floor! At least Flair won in 1992. Flash forward almost three decades. If the concept is, “Winner gets choice of Champion at WrestleMania” Why is Sid Justice going to Main Event Mania FROM THE FLOOR? Hey ass****, if you NEED Tyson/Holyfield, do the Bret/Luger finish! Becky WON the match! Here’s an idea, every televised event from here to Mania is held in an empty arena until we are given a collective Heimlich Maneuver to expel Ashley from our systems. The WWE Universe would never do this because sheep love this circus. If this stands, The Women’s Royal Rumble has jumped the shark just two years in. Vince, we know it’s a work.

Why must you insist on making it THIS! Give Asuka to Ashley. You don’t need to verify Charlotte Flair’s Sainthood. Sasha Banks has seen it three times.


Let us know what you think on social media @theCHAIRSHOTcom and always remember to use the hashtag #UseYourHead!
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