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Cheap Shots: Impact Quickie #1

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Cheap Shots are unfiltered, uncensored opinions, and those opinions reflect only the author!

 

Due to the comedic nature of Anthem and Impact Wrestling, the framework of this article is an homage and a parody of Comedy Central’s Mystery Science Theatre 3000. This is not meant to infringe on intellectual or creative property of Comedy Central or the creators of Mystery Science Theatre 3000.

 

“Mad Man” staying grounded this weekend. Trying something different. The planes are in the hanger. A few days ago, a friend won a 4-pack of tickets to an indie movie theatre. The tickets listed an animated feature with several voice-overs I hadn’t heard from in quite a while. The production company was listed as Anthem out of Dallas. Given the fact tickets were free, why not bring my talking ring post and corner turnbuckles to laugh at everything for two hours?

Good thing I came for the previews. I saw promos for a live action documentary involving two performers I’ve been wanting to see work together for a long time. More on that next week. On to the feature presentation. PC Little Dragon; (ring post), recognizes our narrators immediately. “Oh goody, it’s the best subcontinental performer in the art form, and the dude who was a heel long enough to lose a majority of a peanut-sized audience!”

Throughout the initial scene they attempted to project the action as current, but the digital copy kept freezing and jumping. I could almost swear the data was weeks old and had been seriously altered. AI Hercules, (corner turnbuckles) chimes in: “A political everyman who used to impersonate a dinosaur and A Southern Belle’s kayfabe Nephew…Doesn’t he work for a bigger circus now?” The T-Rex with common sense used to be the nephew’s protection. At the time of production, it was made clear that Tyrus came back to focus on personal success. As a result, he could be a big man, and get the win.

PC Little Dragon notices The Gold, The Son of The Ghost is wearing: “Did the guy take his car somewhere and leave the belt as collateral?” I shook my head:

“No, you weirdo, it’s a top promotion in Mexico. He beat a Divisional Champion down there to claim it.” I could see him thinking. He didn’t follow up, so I will: Why wasn’t the strap on the line? Does the cross-promotion with AAA increase viewership? Second Generation Ghost’s opposition this night was Braxton Sutter. A bald, non-descript competitor who hadn’t shown up on TV in a while. He was exhibiting heel tactics in trying to prevail. This switch didn’t work. Mexico’s Second Ghost won the match clean. Afterward, Sutter runs his ex and Impact Management down simultaneously. AI Hercules pontificates: “Not Allie, but I’ve heard millions criticize Impact Management?” I couldn’t disagree with him.

Sutter’s whining stops when music hits and a big man named Brian Cage comes out and destroys him with The Drill Claw. “Bald Dude’s brain is officially scrambled!” Braxton would come out later and prove PC Little Dragon correct. Matt Sydal must be on some long acid trip. He cuts a promo about his third eye being open.

AI Hercules asks: “Is he listening to some cover band from back when you graduated high school?”

I laughed: “I don’t know. Haven’t seen him in a while.” Ishimori interrupts Sydal’s ramblings by presenting him with a Japanese scroll. The Impact Grand Champion is above reading it himself. Ms. Mitchell, the interviewer is asked to read it. Written in English is a challenge for The Gold, though Ms. Mitchell won’t read the last sentence. Ishimori finishes it for her. Staring at Sydal, “You’re a douche bag!”

Simultaneously, the robots ask: “Isn’t the guy who used to run this promotion a douche bag?”

I nod in agreement: “He’s been one for decades.”

Time to put my companions on mute and rip Impact apart. Creative can’t come up with a better name or gimmick than Kongo Kong? If he is Samoan, those working with him should be more respectful of the art form’s history on those islands. Now on to his mouthpiece. Is THIS the mysterious Jimmy Jacobs? The same guy who got fired from The East Coast Circus for taking a picture with reheated indie clowns? YAWN! Brother, I know it’s a gimmick and I don’t care. You look like a bad combination of The Disco Inferno and Vince Russo. I saw it 20 years ago, It was lame then, sleep inducing now.

Speaking of things I saw two decades ago: Joseph Park may be the stupidest gimmick/alter-ego in the history of the modern art form. Makes Jinder Mahal look like Bret Hart. After a squash match with a freaked-out Park, The Maybe Samoan started choking him out while Little Vinnie asked Abyss to come out. Park had said no many times previously and followed suit under duress. PS: Can someone tell me why WWE hasn’t sued Impact or TNA over the Abyss character?

I will say this once: Mr. Tequila should be black balled from the art form. He was pretending to be tough with Senor Mundo and A-Double. I will cover that one-on-one match next week. Now, what are two X Division athletes doing messing with Konnan and LAX? AND: Where the Hell did their potential Knockout go?  Anyway, dudes, Konnan’s been in the game a long time. Unless you guys have better backup, you’re done.

Time to make The Hivelings happy, and sad! Ms. Rosemary comes out to spread her special joy among her Impact Zone followers. Then “Thursday’s” sacrifice comes out. The Huntress has potential, but this time she did the job quickly. Afterward, The Demon Assassin takes the mic to remind The Knockouts and Hivelings that she is “The Alpha B****!” Surprise…Music hits of The Norsewoman claiming to be Lucha Royalty. Johnny’s better half cuts an in-ring promo mocking Rosemary. They both back out of the ring, staring holes into each other, The Painted Demon turns her back, which allows Taya to begin her assault. The climax saw The Queen of The Hive take a Road to Valhalla on the ramp.

Now I can reboot my friends for the home stretch. PC Little Dragon asks: “What the Hell is a Commitment Ceremony to a strap and why is Laurel Van Ness insane?” I couldn’t answer him on either account. Chelsea Green; the woman behind the character is gorgeous and trained in the art form. Yet, she has been a Bridezilla Zombie in this promotion for years? She must be the ultimate pro and enjoy her work. Any wedding angle in wrestling doesn’t end well. This was no different.

Bald Braxton comes out AGAIN! AI Hercules busts out laughing. “Mr. Scrambled Brains…” Sutter came out to cement a heel turn and ask The Zombie Bride to include him in this new “family.” Van Ness flips out and kicks him out of the ring. She asks for Allie to come out and object. Shock of shocks, Allie is impersonating a cameraman behind her, Van Ness turns around, gets jumped, and runs off.

Last match of the night saw Eddie Edwards take on Sami Callihan. Ohio Versus Everything is running with Callihan. The Haunted House Duo is kicked out of ringside. The match itself started with dueling no sell dives to the floor. It was a very physical encounter. Edwards got the win, but Callihan assaulted him after. Once again, the digital copy froze and jumped as Bobby Lashley; no longer at Impact was jumped by OVE while trying to assist Edwards. My robot friends and I have had a blast laughing at this limited engagement run by a scattered production company and a scattered promotion

 

 

 

 

 

 


Let us know what you think on social media @theCHAIRSHOTcom and always remember to use the hashtag #UseYourHead!
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