Cheap Shots are unfiltered, uncensored opinions, and those opinions reflect only the author!
Due to the comedic nature of Anthem and Impact Wrestling, the framework of this article is an homage and a parody of Comedy Central’s Mystery Science Theatre 3000. This is not meant to infringe on intellectual or creative property of Comedy Central or the creators of Mystery Science Theatre 3000.
“Mad Man” staying grounded this weekend. Trying something different. The planes are in the hanger. A few days ago, a friend won a 4-pack of tickets to an indie movie theatre. The tickets listed an animated feature with several voice-overs I hadn’t heard from in quite a while. The production company was listed as Anthem out of Dallas. Given the fact tickets were free, why not bring my talking ring post and corner turnbuckles to laugh at everything for two hours?
Good thing I came for the previews. I saw promos for a live action documentary involving two performers I’ve been wanting to see work together for a long time. More on that next week. On to the feature presentation. PC Little Dragon; (ring post), recognizes our narrators immediately. “Oh goody, it’s the best subcontinental performer in the art form, and the dude who was a heel long enough to lose a majority of a peanut-sized audience!”
Throughout the initial scene they attempted to project the action as current, but the digital copy kept freezing and jumping. I could almost swear the data was weeks old and had been seriously altered. AI Hercules, (corner turnbuckles) chimes in: “A political everyman who used to impersonate a dinosaur and A Southern Belle’s kayfabe Nephew…Doesn’t he work for a bigger circus now?” The T-Rex with common sense used to be the nephew’s protection. At the time of production, it was made clear that Tyrus came back to focus on personal success. As a result, he could be a big man, and get the win.
PC Little Dragon notices The Gold, The Son of The Ghost is wearing: “Did the guy take his car somewhere and leave the belt as collateral?” I shook my head:
“No, you weirdo, it’s a top promotion in Mexico. He beat a Divisional Champion down there to claim it.” I could see him thinking. He didn’t follow up, so I will: Why wasn’t the strap on the line? Does the cross-promotion with AAA increase viewership? Second Generation Ghost’s opposition this night was Braxton Sutter. A bald, non-descript competitor who hadn’t shown up on TV in a while. He was exhibiting heel tactics in trying to prevail. This switch didn’t work. Mexico’s Second Ghost won the match clean. Afterward, Sutter runs his ex and Impact Management down simultaneously. AI Hercules pontificates: “Not Allie, but I’ve heard millions criticize Impact Management?” I couldn’t disagree with him.
Sutter’s whining stops when music hits and a big man named Brian Cage comes out and destroys him with The Drill Claw. “Bald Dude’s brain is officially scrambled!” Braxton would come out later and prove PC Little Dragon correct. Matt Sydal must be on some long acid trip. He cuts a promo about his third eye being open.
AI Hercules asks: “Is he listening to some cover band from back when you graduated high school?”
I laughed: “I don’t know. Haven’t seen him in a while.” Ishimori interrupts Sydal’s ramblings by presenting him with a Japanese scroll. The Impact Grand Champion is above reading it himself. Ms. Mitchell, the interviewer is asked to read it. Written in English is a challenge for The Gold, though Ms. Mitchell won’t read the last sentence. Ishimori finishes it for her. Staring at Sydal, “You’re a douche bag!”
Simultaneously, the robots ask: “Isn’t the guy who used to run this promotion a douche bag?”
I nod in agreement: “He’s been one for decades.”
Time to put my companions on mute and rip Impact apart. Creative can’t come up with a better name or gimmick than Kongo Kong? If he is Samoan, those working with him should be more respectful of the art form’s history on those islands. Now on to his mouthpiece. Is THIS the mysterious Jimmy Jacobs? The same guy who got fired from The East Coast Circus for taking a picture with reheated indie clowns? YAWN! Brother, I know it’s a gimmick and I don’t care. You look like a bad combination of The Disco Inferno and Vince Russo. I saw it 20 years ago, It was lame then, sleep inducing now.
Speaking of things I saw two decades ago: Joseph Park may be the stupidest gimmick/alter-ego in the history of the modern art form. Makes Jinder Mahal look like Bret Hart. After a squash match with a freaked-out Park, The Maybe Samoan started choking him out while Little Vinnie asked Abyss to come out. Park had said no many times previously and followed suit under duress. PS: Can someone tell me why WWE hasn’t sued Impact or TNA over the Abyss character?
I will say this once: Mr. Tequila should be black balled from the art form. He was pretending to be tough with Senor Mundo and A-Double. I will cover that one-on-one match next week. Now, what are two X Division athletes doing messing with Konnan and LAX? AND: Where the Hell did their potential Knockout go? Anyway, dudes, Konnan’s been in the game a long time. Unless you guys have better backup, you’re done.
Time to make The Hivelings happy, and sad! Ms. Rosemary comes out to spread her special joy among her Impact Zone followers. Then “Thursday’s” sacrifice comes out. The Huntress has potential, but this time she did the job quickly. Afterward, The Demon Assassin takes the mic to remind The Knockouts and Hivelings that she is “The Alpha B****!” Surprise…Music hits of The Norsewoman claiming to be Lucha Royalty. Johnny’s better half cuts an in-ring promo mocking Rosemary. They both back out of the ring, staring holes into each other, The Painted Demon turns her back, which allows Taya to begin her assault. The climax saw The Queen of The Hive take a Road to Valhalla on the ramp.
Now I can reboot my friends for the home stretch. PC Little Dragon asks: “What the Hell is a Commitment Ceremony to a strap and why is Laurel Van Ness insane?” I couldn’t answer him on either account. Chelsea Green; the woman behind the character is gorgeous and trained in the art form. Yet, she has been a Bridezilla Zombie in this promotion for years? She must be the ultimate pro and enjoy her work. Any wedding angle in wrestling doesn’t end well. This was no different.
Bald Braxton comes out AGAIN! AI Hercules busts out laughing. “Mr. Scrambled Brains…” Sutter came out to cement a heel turn and ask The Zombie Bride to include him in this new “family.” Van Ness flips out and kicks him out of the ring. She asks for Allie to come out and object. Shock of shocks, Allie is impersonating a cameraman behind her, Van Ness turns around, gets jumped, and runs off.
Last match of the night saw Eddie Edwards take on Sami Callihan. Ohio Versus Everything is running with Callihan. The Haunted House Duo is kicked out of ringside. The match itself started with dueling no sell dives to the floor. It was a very physical encounter. Edwards got the win, but Callihan assaulted him after. Once again, the digital copy froze and jumped as Bobby Lashley; no longer at Impact was jumped by OVE while trying to assist Edwards. My robot friends and I have had a blast laughing at this limited engagement run by a scattered production company and a scattered promotion
MadMan: She’s Handing Out Blues Better Than A Namesake Will
Madman decided to follow his blue dragon back towards the titans! Let’s see what black magic he weaves in this edition.
Madman decided to follow his blue dragon back towards the titans! Let’s see what black magic he weaves in this edition.
I may not be in regular rotation, but when they give me a chair, I swing for my fences. As a decades-long consumer of the art, I don’t have many left. The only Home Runs WWE has placed within my scope, can be found in Women’s Division on both Monday Night Raw & SmackDown Live.
The year I began watching wrestling, some very interesting circumstances took place surrounding cable television. WTBS; (Atlanta), WAS the home of The NWA’s Jim Crockett Promotions. At least until “Black Saturday,” which ultimately saw Vinnie Jr. Hijack the famous 6:05 time slot. This nearly cause riots among cable viewers opposed to McMahon’s product and presentation.
Though the million dollar ransom The Crocketts paid to get their flagship spot back on the dial gave the head of Titan Sports the backbone to finance WrestleMania, which helped to wreck most of the territories. Hell, it can be argued somewhat convincingly upon its 30th Anniversary, Vince himself ruined his biggest display’s pristine intentions for two consecutive years with Lesnar beating the streak instead of Bray Wyatt; and, Sting losing his ONLY Mania match because someone else had the right bride on their marriage license.
Despite the objections of both smarks and sheep in certain cases, we must respect the history of this pop culture institution. IF WrestleMania is Woodstock, it is only appropriate that Tito Santana opened the show with a victory!
In recent years, there has been only one person on The Main Roster who has matched the swag of Santana’s initial accomplishment without even trying, and she wrestled in the last Mania Match I cared about. Finally got tired of giving fans The Blues. She’s ready to deal some out in the form of steel chairs and God knows what else.
“Cut Her talent LOOSE!” We kept screaming. “A REAL run with Gold, PLEASE?” Like a kid aching just before Christmas. As with Solis, she was a true pro, until the strangest thing I’ve ever seen in the modern art form washed over us.
Fans and insiders alike FORGOT about Social Media! Don’t get me wrong, it’s still here. Can’t get away from it. Hell, I’m doing a roll-in on the internet right now! If you’ve been fans of us long enough, you’ll realize that last sentence was not a botch! Seriously, this thing felt like the territories back in the day. No one knew a damn thing! Even some of those paid to know were flipping a coin every five minutes. Thanks for the constant stress, you ancient prick!
Come on folks. If you know my current wrestling HEART at all, you KNEW the last Chair Shot on her return was coming from her Super Mark in Middle America! When older dudes at this circus describe what true fandom is like; they’ll often say: “That’s bulls***, that’s bulls***, that’s bulls***, BUT THAT’S REAL!”
For her boatloads of fans and the woman herself, Christmas is here! The Stamford’s latest Blues enthusiast is very real, And WWE’s Black Magic Woman IS BACK! Line ’em up. they’re all falling. Charlotte & Ronda too. To The Man and those in charge of her Twitter Account, thanks for keeping the possibility top of mind when things first got weird. We never gave up, but you will! MISSED YOU LADY BANKS!
Mad Man’s Spinal Tap & 20 Questions
Back to back weeks we see the Mad Man come to play in our sandbox. Does this article go to 11? Are the retread concepts, just hollow nowadays?
Back to back weeks we see the Mad Man come to play in our sandbox! Does this article go to 11?
When you have decades of experience watching the art form, your eyes and thought processes change. It’s the reason my colleagues can break down pending news and angles we haven’t seen yet. Mr. Meltzer made a cottage industry out of it. A ton of people on The Internet are trying to follow suit. Then, there are fans like me. As much as I love twitter, Professional Wrestling fans were never meant to receive “spoilers” every day.
This is NOT a “Back in my day…” thing. My eyes have changed too. However, I am focused more on WWE’s calendar when watching Stamford’s offering. If I think about wrestling. it’s very simple. My suspension of disbelief is gone for very few performers. In fact, I would say it’s gone for most fans. If we know it’s a work, why are scripts and outcomes still based on the assumption that we don’t? If I have seen a gimmick before, I am VERY hard to impress. Make me believe you can beat somebody; and stand out doing so, or I will chew you up and spit you the Hell out.
For those who say I should keep my mouth shut because I can’t perform and never have, I DON’T CARE! Saint Dave gets a pass, and y’all still watch the current product like his lap dogs and clones, despite “knowing’ the outcome? I don’t watch for the outcome anymore. Based on character development and pushes, I can see that coming. Call me a hypocrite and I will play 20 Questions with you. Can you get me to the finish line without looking like an idiot or a laughable copy of someone else?
Su Yung is 5’6’’ish. Marks and sheep world wide are transfixed and petrified? Make up aside, why? She is impersonating three legends with no unique move set and doing it very badly. Without her zombies, can she beat anybody? Mr. Calloway used druids. He was 6’10’’ and did not need them to kick your ass. Mick Foley put himself and you through HELL before using The Mandible Claw. You had no choice but to take it. The Great Muta was arguably the best Rising Sun performer of all time. He had a move set most American fans had never seen before. The Mist was believable in his hands because audience and opponent were spinning trying to keep up with him. Where is Su Yung’s Mysticism? As much as fans love her, there are no OMG moments in her matches, and her gimmick is predicated on them.
She is far from the only example. Twitter went crazy about a month ago because a top name on the indies put something in her opponent’s mouth during a match. Outside of a prison fight, when would this EVER HAPPEN? Why is this necessary? If this is a work, why would any girl allow someone to do this? Tell me why either woman gets hired again without the parrot response? Same question applies to Joseph. Dude ain’t pickin’ up anybody like that in real life. I dare him to pick my wheelchair up with his finish. He would be in traction.
Tony Schiavone is our crazy wrestling fan uncle. Our memories of him when we were kids and teenagers all ROCK! He is without question one of the best to ever call the action. God Bless Conrad Flair for bringing him back to the art form. Among other fun stuff, he now does commentary for MLW. With tongue firmly planted in cheek; I must say, I have a slight problem with him. I understand that it is his job. He continues to put MJF over because?? I get the gimmick. It’s just OLD! He is ripping off The Miz. One look at him, and you can see that. “I have more money than you.” So did DiBiase. And if you did, you wouldn’t need the $50.00 a night you made before Tony started calling your matches because you’d be paying him. Just wait until Mike retires before you go to New York.
Finally, we arrive at the biggest tent. Vinnie’s circus was on The West Coast in The House of Hot Rod & Billy Jack Haynes. Sheep under 25 are now asking a three-worded question. The only help you’ll get from me is to say that he may have been the father of Modern Independent Wrestling. Sometimes, it wasn’t his choice, and he is still fighting demons today.
Back to this week. Didn’t Spinal Tap all stand in the Center Ring around a month ago and do a babyface promo? “It’s our fault. We’ll do better for you. This is YOUR product.” First, I believe Stephanie as a babyface as much as I believe Saint Richard as a babyface. Shut up and go home as a shoot. Second, as big a moron as Vince is, he’s NOT leaving the person carrying the big top out of WrestleMania! Outside of the obvious, Becky’s leg is a work. SHE WAS LIMPING ON THE WRONG ONE ON MONDAY! Seth Rollins is hurt as a shoot. He WASN’T at Monday Night Raw. If Becky wasn’t cleared, she wouldn’t be on either show. So WHY is everybody going apes*** over this?
Sometimes, I can’t tell which group is Spinal Tap?
Is it the group on stage or the sheep who believe what they’re watching? I truly wish this art form was treated more like real competition.
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