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Mitchell’s WWE Monday Night Raw Live Report! (3/26/18)

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All images courtesy of the WWE’s official Twitter.

 

OFFICIAL RESULTS

  • Mickie James w/ Alexa Bliss VS Nia Jax; Nia wins.
  • Cedric Alexander & Mustafa Ali VS TJP & Drew Gulak; Alexander & Ali win.
  • Asuka VS Jamie Frost; Asuka wins.
  • Braun Strowman VS Sheamus w/ Cesaro; Strowman wins.
  • The Balor Club’s Good Brothers VS The Miztourage; The Balor Club wins.
  • Elias VS Rhyno w/ Heath Slater; Elias wins.
  • No Disqualifications: John Cena VS Kane; Cena wins.

PLAY BY PLAY

The Beast is in Cleveland!

Brock Lesnar and Paul Heyman head to the ring just two weeks away from the Universal Championship match. That is, if Roman Reigns is healthy enough to challenge him. The Advocate introduces himself and says that days before “conquering the Grandest Stage of Them All”, the “reigning, defending, undisputed Universal Champion” is here seven days after the “savage beating” he put on his contender. Heyman may be one of the best speakers in pro-wrestling, not even he can put words to the “graphic footage” he shows us. It was last week that Roman Reigns defied the suspension ordered by Vince McMahon, and the authorities came to arrest him. Roman lashed out against them, but then Lesnar ambushed and assaulted Roman. Lesnar made sure his contender would need medical attention, and still laughs about it even now.

This is the part where news shows would say “Breaking News”, the suspension on Roman has been lifted. Therefore, for everyone’s beating hearts, someone might interrupt Heyman with music, and Roman will come out for a fight. But more “Breaking News” from Heyman: Roman Reigns is not here tonight. And those who think they know the script, Heyman can’t give credit to Lesnar, because Roman was raised by a WWE legend father and uncle, as well as all the other Samoan Dynasty relatives. They all raised Roman to be the Samoan Badass, the competitor and fighter and wrestler and winner! So it’s a shame they didn’t raise Roman to be a man. A man would still be here tonight, but Heyman and Lesnar aren’t the ones who said anything. Roman says he’s always here, advertised or not. But this time, he’s NOT, just weeks before Wrestlemania!

If things went the other way, Roman dressed MMA trainees up as Marshals and had them tie Lesnar up so Roman could beat him up to death, Lesnar would still be here, put the title down, and call Roman out! But Roman is NOT man enough to do it. Heyman doesn’t need proof for that, because Roman isn’t man enough to be here and take another beating. That is also why Roman won’t be man enough to take the title from BROCK LESNAR! Wait, someone is here, though. It’s ROMAN REIGNS!

The Big Dog and #1 contender makes his way to the ring, with a steel chair in hand, but Lesnar gets to him first! Lesnar drags Roman up, but Roman shoves him into a post! Roman picks that chair up again, and SMACKS Lesnar in the back, and SMACKS him again. Roman can barely keep himself up, but he still SMACKS Lesnar with the chair. Then, he LEAPS, but into a belly2belly suplex!

Lesnar shakes the dizzying stars out of his head, and then picks up steel steps. He aims at Roman, and SMASHES Roman in the face! Lesnar tosses the stairs into the ring, then drags Roman up into the ring, too. Lesnar fetches the chair, bent and dented as it is, and brings it with him. He enters the ring, holds up the stairs, and SMASHES Roman again!

The fans are a mix of cheers and jeers as Roman barely stirs on the mat. Lesnar has the chair again, and keeps the referees back before he SMACKS Roman again, and again, and again! Fans want “One More Time!” and Lesnar hits Roman one more time! Lesnar exits the ring and Heyman hands him the title back. Except Lesnar isn’t done yet. He returns to the ring, and brings Roman up again, for the F5 on the steps! Lesnar then stands over Roman and atop the steps, like a podium as he holds onto his Universal Championship. Will Lesnar finally finish Roman off once and for all at Wrestlemania?

 

Mickie James w/ Alexa Bliss VS Nia Jax!

After WWE’s Mean Girls got caught on camera laughing at the Irresistible Force, the Goddess and Kickie James were running for their lives. However, Raw General Manager, Kurt Angle, has made it so that Nia will get sweet revenge, with a Raw Women’s Championship match at Wrestlemania! Will the six time Women’s Champion even be a speed bump for Nia on her way to destroy Alexa?

The bell rings, and Mickie narrowly avoids Nia. They tie up, Nia shoves Mickie down. They circle and Nia throws Mickie sideways, so Mickie gets out of the ring. Nia waits for Mickie to return while we go to break.

Raw returns and Nia stomps away on Mickie in a corner. Then she throws her across the way, before throwing her back the other way. Mickie tries to escape but Nia is on her at the ropes, by her hair. Nia lets go at the ref’s count, Micke slaps Nia, but then runs away. Alexa distracts, Mickie pounces with a chop block and kick to Nia’s head. Mickie gets back in the ring and waits for the ring count, but Nia is up at 4 and in at 7. Mickie kicks her right away, but Nia shoves her back.

Nia ends up in a corner and Mickie keeps on kicking the legs. Nia throws Mickie down by her hair, but Mickie dropkicks the knee. Mickie tries for the DDT but Nia holds the ropes. Nia suddenly scoops and slams Mickie! She goes for the leg drop but Mickie dodges, to boot Nia down. Cover, TWO, another try, TWO again. Mickie clubs away on Nia but Nia powers out of teh DDT again. Nia runs at MIckie but misses, hitting buckles. Mickie kicks out the bad leg, then climbs up top. She kicks Nia away but Nia comes back to trophy lift and Samoan Drop Mickie! Cover, Nia wins!

Winner: Nia Jax, by pinfall

But then Alexa Bliss attacks! Not that it did much…

Alexa knows she messed that one up. Nia stands up and fans cheer her on, Nia chases Alexa out of the ring. Alexa gets away to the ramp, but Nia lets her that she won’t be able to run forever, because this is going to be settled at Wrestlemania, “you little b*tch!” Nia exits the ring and Alexa finishes running away. Will the Irresistible Force flatten the Goddess once and for all on the Grandest Stage of Them All?

 

Stephanie McMahon trains with husband, HHH, for their Wrestlemania tag team match.

“It’s unfortunate because it’s all about ego.” Ronda Rousey and Kurt Angle just had to do their jobs, but instead, Angle exposed The Authority’s ulterior motives. “Three years in the making and now we own the b*tch.” HHH says Angle was being an idiot, and that’s why it’s come to this. “This is the WWE. It’s not judo, it’s not MMA.” It’s The Authority’s world, not Rousey’s. Nothing was handed to them, they worked for everything. This training is life, and they do it better than anyone.

Joe DeFranco will confirm, The Authority are training 24/7, even when they’re not preparing for a match. Joe has prepared MMA fighters, NFL players and Olympic athletes. The Authority are up there and even exceeding those levels. Rousey is one of the world’s greatest, but Stephanie knows Rousey is vulnerable. Rousey enters the unknown. Professional wrestling has a different set of rules. Stephanie grew up in the ring, she owns the ring. Stephanie shouldn’t worry about Rousey, Rousey should worry about Stephanie. “No matter how good an athlete is, you step into somebody else’s world, you’re the underdog.” But Rousey’s arrogance will be Stephanie’s gift.

HHH and Angle have history, but now it hits a new level. Angle has lost to HHH before, so no big deal. But Rousey losing to an executive, that’ll be embarrassing. This is not the Olympics, not UFC or MMA, “this is our world. And nobody’s gonna come into our world and take us down.” The Authority isn’t afraid. Rousey will work for them. But this is just business, they’ll dust Rousey off and position her, to put things back on track. They promise to humble Rousey like all the other superstars, but will Rousey and Angle break that promise?

 

Cedric Alexander & Mustafa Ali VS TJP & Drew Gulak!

The Carolina Kid and the Pakistani Prince fought their way through the WWE Cruiserweight Championship Tournament on 205 Live and are both headed to Wrestlemania to face each other for that title. However, they’re still friends, so they’re willing to team up together tonight to face the FilAm Flash and Cruiserweight Crusader, two men they beat on their way to the finals. Can the two contenders work together to keep themselves fresh for their Wrestlemania moment?

Raw returns to this match in progress, with TJP holding Ali down in a chinlock. Ali stands up and fights out as we see 205 Live GM Drake Maverick has joined commentary.

TJP intercepts Ali, and hotshots him on the top rope to deny the tag! Cover, TWO, and TJP grows frustrated. He drags Ali up and over to scoop slam and slingshot senton on him. Gulak tags in, and TJP hands Ali off to him for the big scoop slam. Gulak covers, TWO, but Gulak just glares at Ali. Ali chops back, so Gulak chops, too. Gulak whips Ali corner to corner, then throws him with a back drop. Cover, TWO, but Gulak keeps on Ali. He wrenches Ali’s neck, so Alexander rallies the fans. Gulak scoops Ali but Ali slips out, so Gulak cheap shots Alexander. Gulak runs at Ali, Ali elbows him back, then hops up for the tornado DDT!

Both men are down, and Alexander slowly returns to his corner. They crawl for their corners, hot tags to TJP and Alexander! Alexander rallies on TJP, handspring headscissors and dropkick! The fans fire up for Alexander as he counters TJP with the back elbow. Alexander runs into  the corner but TJP puts him on the apron, so Alexander swing kicks TJP away. Springboard clothesline! Cover, Gulak breaks it just in time. Gulak grimaces as he stalks Alexander, but Ali uses TJP as a step stool to dropkick Gulak out of the ring! Then Ali builds speed to FLY onto Gulak! Alexander sees Ali, but TJP catches him with a roll up! TWO, but TJP lifts Alexander. Alexander slips out and handsprings, Ali tags in, Neuralizer to TJP! Then, Lumbar Check!

But Alexander realizes he’s not legal as Ali climbs up. 0-5-4! Ali & Alexander win!

Winners: Alexander & Ali, Ali pins

Alexander sees how sly his friend can be, but they both grin and laugh. Both men assure the other they’re ready for Wrestlemania and a golden moment, but will Alexander see Ali coming next time?

 

It’s Miz TV!

The Intercontinental Champion is greeted with “Welcome Home!” chants, but reminds us he lives in LA. Either way, The Miz brings us the “Most Must-See WWE Talk Show in History”, and before getting to his guests, he must address some personal issues. Miz likes to be open and honest, and asks the Miztourage how they feel this is going. Enjoying themselves? Good, because they should be. They’re on Monday Night Raw in front of thousands. That’s great, because Miz isn’t happy. One year ago, he brought them up to the spotlight, and how do they repay him? Failing him! If Miz wanted failure, he would’ve never left Cleveland! Miz can’t count on them. Axel says he can, but Miz reminds us that for the last two weeks, he’s been down because they let him down.

Bo says they’ve done everything they can. Then this is the best they can do? He should “Bolieve” himself back to catering, he is nothing without Miz! Seth Rollins interrupts the rant with his entrance.

Rollins normally isn’t a fan of Miz TV, but this is good stuff! He doesn’t want to interrupt, but he is a guest on the show. He’ll let them hash it out. Miz reprimands Rollins for appearing too soon. The argument is just something they’re sorting out. Rollins volunteers his help. He’ll be a mediator. To be honest, The Miztourage is underappreciated. When was the last time Miz looked them in the eyes and said, “Thank you” to them? Is Rollins kidding? No, Rollins would be thanking The Miztourage and putting up billboards to say “Thank You” because without them, Miz wouldn’t still be Intercontinental Champion! The fans should chant for the Miztourage. And they do.

“When my hand goes up, your mouths go shut!” Miz tells Rollins that the Miztourage know he’s grateful, but they should be grateful to him. Miz would be a champion, a star, a “phony A-Lister who can’t fight.” Whoa, did Bo just say that? Speak up, Bo. What did you say? Finn Balor comes out now.

Finn apologizes for another interruption, but he’s a guest here, too. Rollins helped Miz but now it seems Miz needs Finn’s help. What did Bo just say about Miz? Finn knows it’s hard to hear things in the ring, but Finn knows that Bo said Miz is the biggest jerk ever. Bo didn’t say “jerk”. Well alright, it wasn’t that, it was more loser or coward. No, Bo said he’s a phony. Uh oh… The fans agree to it, though! Miz dares Bo to say it again. Bo goes to, but Miz slaps him! Axel keeps Bo back, and Miz wants to see that fire! They’re weeks away from Wrestlemania but they’re letting Finn and Rollins manipulate them. Miz is just a month away from being the longest reigning Intercontinental Champion ever. He’ll be better than HBK, Macho Man, Mr. Perfect! Uh oh… Did Miz just bring up Axel’s dad?

Axel turns around to look at Miz, and Miz tries to apologize, it was a slip of the tongue. Rollins and Finn don’t think it was by mistake. Yes, it was! But let’s all just calm down, deep breath in… Deep breath out. The Miztourage doesn’t need this. Miz TV is now cancelled. “Yes! Yes!” The Miz wants to leave, but Bo & Axel won’t let him. Miz tries to apologize, but now he realizes he’s surrounded.

No one wants to see this! Yes they do! But then The Miztourage attack Rollins & Finn!? Miz grins, this must have been the plan all along. Miz rains rights on Finn while the Miztourage clear the ring. They add on to Finn, then drag him up, but here come the Good Brothers! Anderson & Gallows take care of the Miztourage, which leaves Miz alone. He goes after Finn, but misses, to take a Slingblade!

Rollins returns, but Miz dodges the Curb Stomp just in time. Rollins won’t let Miz think he’s smarter than the Architect. The champion will get what’s coming to him, but Finn is the one to pick up Miz’s belt. Rollins snatches it from him, and holds it up. Finn sees Miz coming and saves Rollins from him. Rollins clotheslines Miz back out of the ring, then Finn knocks Rollins down! Finn steps over Rollins to pick the belt up again. Will Finn also step over Rollins at ‘Mania to officially claim the title as his own?

 

Kane speaks.

“John Cena, there are some demons you should never call on by names.” They are demons that don’t want to be disturbed, that want to “Rest In Peace.” Cena will pay for his arrogance. He won’t go to Wrestlemania, he’ll go #StraighttoHell. Will Hellfire & Brimstone consume Cena before he even has a chance to face the Deadman?

 

Asuka VS Jamie Frost!

The Empress of Tomorrow challenges the Queen of Flair for her SmackDown Women’s Championship at Wrestlemania, but for now, she continues to grow her Streak on Raw. Will Asuka remain perfect all the way to the Grandest Stage of Them All?

Meanwhile, Jamie Frost is having her first professional match. No one is ready for Asuka, but no one has seen what Frost is capable of, so Asuka isn’t ready for her. The bell rings, and the two circle. Frost dodges Asuka’s opening move then fires off forearm after forearm, and a slap! Asuka grins, she like the moxie. Then she kicks the moxie out of Frost’s face! Cover, Asuka wins!

Winner: Asuka, by pinfall

Frost was over confident, but that doesn’t take anything away from the Empress’ power and severity. It won’t be that easy with Charlotte, but will Asuka still find a way to add her to the long list of women Asuka has defeated?

 

Raw takes a look back at ULTIMATE DELETION!

The Great War escalated to astronomical heights as the WOKEN Wisdom and the Consume of Terrestrial Entities did battle at the Hardy Compound. It concluded as Hardy pinned Wyatt, then disposed of him into the Lake of Reincarnation! With the Deletion a complete success, will the World Wrestling Entertainment Dimension ever see Bray Wyatt again?

WOKEN Hardy speaks.

“As a result of the Ultimate Deletion, the essence from the vessel known as Bray Wyatt is no more!” The evil stench has been replaced with the sweet smell of spring daisies. The Great War is finally OVA, but now Hardy sets his sights on Wrestlemania! He shall honor the Eighth Wonder of the World and win the battle royal. Those who oppose him shall suffer the same fate, of DELETION!! In other words, the Andre the Giant Memorial Battle Royal will star Hardy among others, but who will be the one to come out the victor?

 

 

Raw takes a look at the frayed friendship of Bayley & Sasha Banks.

Between the Royal Rumble, the Elimination Chamber, and following tag team matches, the Hugger and the Boss are one step away from breaking up as best friends forever. Sasha finds Bayley backstage, having received her text. But that’s it? Yes, that’s it. Bayley is in the Women’s Battle Royal and that’s it. No talking about last week? What’s they’re to talk about? If Bayley ahs something to say, say something! Wait, didn’t Sasha like Bayley being passive? Where Sasha can do anything she wants and Bayley just goes with it. Sasha loves that, doesn’t she? Bayley is right, Sasha is the Boss, and makes no apologies. Maybe Bayley should stick up for herself so no one thinks she’s a loser. But Sasha only screws Bayley over because she can’t beat her. Sasha is a four-time Raw Women’s Champion. And how long did she keep it?

Sasha snaps and puts Bayley into the lockers, so Bayley fights back! Sasha throws Bayley into more lockers, then across a table. Referees come in just as Bayley turns the tables, but neither “friend” backs down. They’re eventually separated, but Sasha gets loose to go after Bayley again. The referees separate them again, but this is far from over.

 

Braun Strowman VS Sheamus w/ Cesaro!

The Monster Among Men still needs a tag team partner to face The Bar in a title match for the Raw Tag Team Championships, but he’s just find going it alone right now. Can the Celtic Gladiator hope to not #GetTheseHands this close to Wrestlemania?

Before the match, The Bar talk. Everyone thinks Strowman is so dominant just because he tips over trucks and brings down walls. But it’s more that he catches everyone off guard with his entrance of “BRAUN!!” The Bar has news for him: there will be no surprises, because they want to know who his tag team partner is right now. They come out week after week that they don’t just set the bar, they are the bar. But Strowman’s response to the “whiny babies” is that he’ll tell them who his partner is, if Sheamus can beat him. That’s not fair! Just tell them! The fans would rather see Sheamus “Get These Hands!” Strowman guarantees that’ll happen.

With the stakes stated, Sheamus prepares himself for this match. He enters the ring, the bell rings, but Cesaro distracts. Sheamus pounces on Strowman, throwing hands in a corner. He whips but Strowman reverses to then toss Sheamus across the way. Strowman runs but Sheamus dumps him out of the ring. Sheamus hotshots Strowman as he returns, then gives him a beat of the Bodhrain, only for Strowman to block and turn the Bodhrain around on Sheamus! Sheamus tumbles to the ground, but Strowman keeps on him. They return to the ring, but Sheamus rolls to the other side. Strowman runs and blasts Sheamus to the barriers!

The Monster is in control while we go to break.

Raw returns to Strowman stalking Sheamus. Sheamus begs for mercy but Cesaro distracts again. Sheamus tangles Strowman up in the ropes and kicks at the legs. Strowman falls to a knee but shoves Sheamus away. Sheamus kicks again and DDT’s Strowman down. He clobbers Strowman down, then works the arm over in the ropes. Strowman shoves Sheamus away but Sheamus bicycle boots the arm! Sheamus clubs away on that arm, then kicks out the leg. Fans rally for Strowman as Sheamus puts him in a keylock. Sheamus knees Strowman’s ribs but Strowman stands up and powers out. Strowman rallies with lariats, and Sheamus slips out of the ring. The Bar regroups, but Strowamn slips out to run Sheamus over!

Strowman whips Sheamus into barriers, then drags Sheamus up by his Mohawk to put him in the ring. Cesaro moves in close but Strowman backs him down. Strowman reenters the ring, but Sheamus dodges in the corner to send Strowman into the post! Sheamus climbs up, and flies for the clothesline. Cover, ONE, but Sheamus keeps on him with a kick to the ribs. Sheamus stomps and stomps, then Cesaro goes for a cheap shot, but the referee sees him. Strowman elbows Sheamus then punches Cesaro off the apron. Sheamus Brogues but misses, Strowman runs to squash him! Then, lift to scoop to Monster Slam! Cover, Strowman wins!

Winner: Strowman by pinfall

The Monster Among Men won’t have to answer The Bar, or anyone, on who his tag team partner will be, but does he really have one already? He has two weeks left just in case he doesn’t, who has the Monster allied with to go for tag team gold?

 

Raw General Manager, Kurt Angle, is here!

The Olympic Gold Medalist walks to the ring and Cleveland greets him with the classic, “You Suck! You Suck!” He reminds us that two weeks away from Wrestlemania is two weeks away from Stephanie & HHH standing across the way from him and “the baddest woman on the planet,” “Rowdy” Ronda Rousey! And Rousey is here!

Angle knows Wrestlemania is an intimidating stage to debut on, but he knows Rousey’s ready! And after seeing the video with HHH & Stephanie, he admits that The Authority do write the rules. Wrestlemania will be fun, but it won’t be easy. “Good. Because I didn’t come here looking for easy.” Rousey wants to earn things here. Stephanie can talk tough but she’s “trust fund tough”, “limousine tough”, and “personal trainer tough.” Stephanie will get what she deserves, which is Rousey ripping her arm out! But then Absolution appears!

Paige waves hi to Rousey before saying that the “one thing that will sabotage you in the WWE is not having friends.” Former introductions: this is Paige, and this is Absolution. They want to welcome her to Raw! But Raw is their show and Paige’s House. Paige steps in the ring with Rousey, Mandy Rose and Sonya Deville nearby. Rousey, you will get lost in the shuffle or taken advantage of. They’ll be there for her if she needs backup. What a nice offer, but she has an Olympic Gold Medalist, she’s good. Paige understands, but if she thinks Angle has her back–best GM ever!–but then you wouldn’t be an enemy to the Authority. This is career suicide. Rousey has the weight of the world, Paige has been there and done that. Rousey doesn’t have to be alone. She could be the fourth member of Absolution!

Fans say “No! No!” and Rousey looks to Angle. Rousey thanks Paige for the offer, but declines. Paige understands this is Rousey’s choice, but it’s not a good choice. Rousey could’ve had best friends, but now she has worst enemies. Sonya & Mandy step up, the mics are dropped, but while Angle keeps Mandy from hitting Rousey, Rousey hits Sonya!

Then she glares at Mandy, who tries but fails, and gets a saido suplex that sends her into Sonya! Rousey is ready for a fight, and Angle raises her hand in victory. However, Mandy comes back for more, to end up in a judo takedown and armlock! Mandy begs for mercy, and Angle calms Rousey down. Rousey is close to snapping Mandy’s arm, but spares her. The Baddest Woman on the Planet won’t have to stop at Wrestlemania, should Stephanie just give up now?

 

The Balor Club’s Good Brothers VS The Miztourage!

Luke Gallows & Karl Anderson won’t let Bo Dallas & Curt Axel get away with tricking Balor Club’s Extraordinary leader. Can the Director of Chaos and the Machine Gun teach these “NERDS” a lesson?

Raw returns with this match already in progress, and Axel has Anderson down before hitting Gallows with a cheap shot. Anderson knocks Axel down and rallies, before scaring off Bo. Anderson dodges Axel in the corner before hitting him with the rocket kick, then hops up on the second rope. Bo returns to distract and Axel shoves Anderson down. Bo tags in, then rains rights onto Anderson before ramming him into barriers. He puts Anderson back in the corner, covers, TWO, so Bo puts Anderson in a chinlock. Gallows rallies the fans, “Too Sweet! Too Sweet!” Anderson stands up but Bo wrangles him down, Axel mocks the Too Sweet. Anderson his way up while fans rally, but Axel tags in. The Miztourage keep Anderson away from Gallows, then Axel clubs Anderson across the back and neck.

Axel whips Anderson and dropkicks him down, and embraces the heat as he drags Anderson back over. Bo tags in, then clotheslines and knees Anderson, feeding him to Axel’s DDT. Bo covers, TWO, so it’s back to the chinlock. Anderson endures the squeeze while fans cheer, “Too Sweet!” Bo knees low but runs into a spinebuster! Anderson and Bo are down but crawling for their corners. Hot tags, and Gallows rallies on Axel. Gallows blasts Bo for good measure, then hits Axel in the corner with the splash, roundhouse rocks him down. Gallows fires up, pumphandles and slams Axel down, then the big splash! Tag to Anderson, the bring Axel up, fireman’s carry for the Boot o’ Doom! Cover, Bo breaks it!

Gallows drags Bo, Bo shoves him away, but Gallows hits the YAKUZA KICK! Axel kicks Anderson but Anderson resists the suplex. Axel forearms Anderson to a corner but Anderson European Uppercuts back. Anderson climbs up, takes aim, and hits the flying neckbreaker! Tag to Gallows, and they bring Axel up again, for Magic Killer! Cover, the Good Brothers win!

Winners: Balor Club (Anderson & Gallows, Gallows pins)

Anderson & Gallows keep themselves moving in the Raw Tag Team Division, will they be first in line to face whoever comes out of Wrestlemania the champions?

 

“Ladies and Gentlemen: Elias.”

The Drifter is in Cleveland, with his guitar, and as always, wants to know “Who wants to Walk with Elias?!” Cleveland responds positively. In the “Kingdom of Madness”, there are those who walk, and those who do not walk yet. However, Elias promises to give the greatest performance at Wrestlemania, and the world will know that WWE stands for, “Walk With Elias!” Elias feels electric, having sold out Madison Square Garden last week. Therefore, Cleveland is a huge disappointment. He’s embarrassed to be here, but he’s in good company because Lebron James admitted he felt the same way. But Elias promises Lebron will just leave again.

And while Elias doesn’t want to be here, he does have a song, so it’d be a travesty not to sing it. Please silence cell phones, hold applause and shut mouths so that he may begin. Elias strums, then sings, “Wrestlemania is on the horizon. But I’m stuck in this town. The only thing more embarrassing would be, if I was a Cleveland Brown.” Like, seriously, they’re bad. Wrestlemania’s nothing without Elias because he is WWE. But then Rhyno appears!

Elias VS Rhyno w/ Heath Slater!

The ManBeast doesn’t care about music or declarations, he just wants to fight! The bell rings, and Rhyno rushes Elias and puts him in a corner. Elias kicks back then chops back, so Rhyno chops Elias. Rhyno puts Elias back in a corner then whips corner to corner but Elias reverses, only for Rhyno to run him over with a shoulder! Fans cheer as Rhyno headbutts Elias to ropes. Elias back elbows then clobbers Rhyno from behind, before stomping the ECW original out. Elias drives a forearm into Rhyno, then wrenches his neck. Slater rallies the fans and Rhyno fights out. Elias throws Rhyno down by his hair, then drops an elbow, but Rhyno dodges. Elias hits the mat, but he’s up first. Rhyno hits back, chops, then whips. Elias clubs Rhyno then runs, but into Rhyno’s lariat.

Rhyno rallies now, throwing hands in a corner. Elias hits back, but Rhyno whips him corner to corner again. Rhyno runs but into Elias’ knee. Elias runs out and runs Rhyno over with a clothesline of his own. He brings Rhyno up, Drift Away! Cover, Elias wins!

Winner: Elias, by pinfall

The Drifter doesn’t end things with Rhyno, he goes after Slater! He drags the One Man dBand up, and hits him with a Drift Away, too! Elias feels good about himself this close to Wrestlemania, but how will Elias give us that once-in-a-lifetime performance?

 

Raw takes a look back at Cena’s desire for a Road to Wrestlemania.

Cena couldn’t get a match for a title, so he’s going for the “impossible”! He wants to face The Undertaker, but the one person in the way of the match is the Undertaker. Cena has called Taker an egomaniac, because when Cena fails, he gets back up. But when Taker fails, he hides in shame. Cena doesn’t want lame excuses, he wants Taker to stop being self-centered. The people have given Taker everything, but Taker can’t even give a response? He is no wrestling god, he’s just a man, and “that man, Undertaker, is a coward.” If Taker wants to prove Cena wrong, then “do something!” But instead of the Undertaker, it was KANE who appeared. Cena wanted to know, “Is it ‘yes’ or is it ‘no’?” It was neither, as it was a CHOKE SLAM! And that leads us to tonight’s main event!

 

No Disqualifications: John Cena VS Kane!

The Face that Runs the Place may have called out the Phenom, but he’s apparently riled up the Big Red Machine. With the rules thrown out the window, will Cena have a chance to get a straight answer out of the Devil’s Favorite Demon on what the Deadman really wants?

The bell rings and Cena goes right at Kane, and the two brawl. The fans duel, “Let’s Go Cena!” “Cena Sucks!” Kane throws heavy hands on Cena but Cena fights back. Cena runs, but into Kane’s big boot. Kane scrapes Cena out of the ring, then follows him out to throw him into barriers. Kane keeps hitting Cena, and Cena returns tot he ring. Fans chant “Undertaker!” while Kane drops a forearm on Cena. Cover, TWO, but Kane keeps on Cena with a chinlock. Cena endures the squeeze, and slowly makes it to his feet. Cena powers out of the hold and lifts Kane, but Kane is too much and Cena falls on his face. Kane covers, TWO.

Cena slowly slips out of the ring, and Kane follows again. Kane hits Cena with his signature uppercut, then brings Cena around the corner. Cena hits back with haymakers, then whips, but Kane reverses to send Cena into steel steps. Kane has control while we go to break.

Raw returns once more, and now the fight has gone around to the stage tech area. Cena hits Kane with a chair, then uncovers barriers to use them as a battering ram on Kane’s ribs! Kane doubles over, so Cena sets the railing up like a ramp. He brings Kane over, but Kane hits back. Kane grabs Cena, and suplexes him onto the railings!

The railings bend under the impact! Cena slumps off the steel, but Kane stands up. Kane stalks the crawling Cena on the hardwood, then brings him up again for another uppercut. Cena staggers, Kane brings him back towards ringside, tossing him over the barricade. Kane drags Cena into the ring, then goes to a corner to remove one of the buckle pads. But Cena does the Undertaker’s sit-up!

Cena runs, and tries those signature shoulder tackles, but Kane stays standing! Cena keeps trying, and knocks Kane down the next time, then drops him with the spin-out powerbomb! The fans know what’s coming next as Cena raises his hand. “You Can’t See Me!” and Five Knuckle Shuffle. He stalks Kane, and bumps him off the exposed buckle. Cena then slits his throat, the same as the Undertaker.

Cena grabs Kane by the throat, and Choke Slams him! Three references to Taker, cover, TWO! Cena keeps his cool, and exits the ring to go searching underneath. He brings out a table! The fans like what they see as he puts it in the ring, and sets it up on all fours. But now Kane sits up! And Kane grabs Cena, but Cena slips out. Cena fireman’s carry, but Kane tips the table and uppercuts Cena.

Kane takes the table for his own, and sets it up in a corner. He goes back to Cena, and brings him up. Cena hits back while fans duel, and Kane kicks low to then throw Cena through the table! Cover, TWO! Cena is too tough and too determined to let a table take him out. Kane slips out of the ring and searches for something. He brings out a second table, and puts that in the ring. Kane sets the table up on all fours while Cena slowly drags himself up. Kane stalks Cena, grabs Cena by the throat, but Cena slips out to fireman’s carry again, to AA through the table! Cover, Cena wins!

Winner: Cena, by pinfall

“Big Match John” endures a rough fight with Kane, but a win isn’t enough. He grabs a microphone, and asks, “No lightning? No bells of terror? No Undertaker?!” This was a match with no rules, and anyone could’ve shown up! So where is he?! Where is the Undertaker!? The fans chant for Undertaker, too. Cena knows Taker isn’t deaf, just afraid! Night after night, city after city, crowd after crowd, “they chant your name!” And they still chant now.

“You don’t get to be mysterious here. Silence is not an answer.” Give either a “yes” or a “no”. The fans give a “YES! YES!” Cena is fine if it’s a no, because he’ll still go to ‘Mania as a fan. But just look at the energy when the WWE Universe chants “YES!”, when they chant “Undertaker!” and when they chant “Do Something!” Because Cena dares the Undertaker to “Do Something.”

Undertaker has one week left to sum up his entire career. Either Taker does something, or nothing, “and if you do nothing”, Taker lets Cena down, lets Kane down, and most of all, he’ll let everyone who has ever cared about Taker know, that Taker only cares about Taker. For the sake of all that is good inside the ring, Cena hopes to see Taker next week. Harsh words from a frustrated and desperate Cena, but will they raise the ire of the Phenom enough to get an answer?

 


 

My Thoughts:

This was a good Raw, but clearly they’re saving their energy for next week’s go-home. We got great surprises in the opening segment, as both Lesnar and Roman show up. Roman is the bigger surprise, as the kayfabe was of him being hospitalized after Lesnar beat him down. Roman still gets beat down here because he’s not 100%, but he doesn’t get beat down as badly this time, either. They’re working really hard to get Roman over, and I can’t be sure if it moved the needle much here, but there’s still next week. Nia dominating Mickie then scaring Alexa off was great for her, she’s going to be building up so much momentum for ‘Mania that it’d be a real shame if she didn’t win the title.

Great to see Cruiserweights back on Raw, but it’s not like it advanced the story, which was part of the problem the first time. Miz TV got one over on me, I really thought/hoped Miztourage would break away, but they swerved Rollins & Finn. Finn VS Rollins will happen again next week, but I bet Miz will just interfere then. Miztourage lose to Good Brothers, because the Good Brothers need to stay afloat in the Tag Team Division, but nothing new otherwise. Asuka won so fast, I expected something more, like Charlotte showing up on Raw so that both of them are on both shows for this build. Perhaps a missed opportunity there. Hardy joins the Men’s Battle Royal, and I’m hoping he wins to keep him going outside of WOKEN feuds.

The Authority’s training video was well made, but the words were so full of irony, it was actually the best part of the whole thing. Rousey’s segment was alright, but mostly because of Absolution coming in. Paige is always good on the mic, and Rousey is obviously at her best when she’s physical. Next week is a final face-to-face before the match, but it’d almost be redundant if they got physical then, so hopefully Rousey gives a sharper promo for that. Strowman does great again against Sheamus, keeping himself strong and his partner a mystery. There is still so much speculation, but I still personally hope it’s someone other than Elias just so that their characters aren’t back pedaling.

Then there’s the interesting character development in John Cena. While he’s framing this as “Taker is a coward”, and egging the Deadman to #DoSomething, what if this is all just Cena slowly turning Heel? It’s been established that he wants a Wrestlemania match badly, almost desperately. He tried the Rumble, he tried the Chamber, he even tried Fastlane, but failed at them all. He’s grasping at straws, and Taker was the “impossible” low hanging fruit. Cena’s mocking of the Undertaker’s signature mannerisms could also be a sign, as those are usually Heel tactics. He did have a point, though, that a No DQ match was the perfect opening to show up and attack, but perhaps the no-show is itself the perfect way to play this.

My Score: 8/10


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