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CheapShots: Impact Quickie #5

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Impact Wrestling Pentagon Austin Aries
Cheap Shots are unfiltered, uncensored opinions, and those opinions reflect only the author!

My robot friends and I are here to dissect The Go Home Show for the next Impact PPV. We bring the microscopes out for the first match of the night. A partial recess primer to spotlight the showdown for Knockouts Gold. PC Little Dragon is already booted up. “Mr. Scrambled Brains and The Dead Angel Rip Off.” The Odd Couple has an interesting challenge. Fallah Bahh is accompanied to the ring by an athlete named Kiera Hogan. As soon as both parties were between the ropes, AI Hercules asks: “Are we watching what I think we’re watching?” I give tacit confirmation, as I’m unsure myself.

Smaller promotions have these matches regularly. Sabotage in Texas comes to mind. I hadn’t seen an intergender match on a bigger stage until Thursday night. My boys were laughing their asses off at some of the spots here. Bad camera angle? Check! A wide shot caught Braxton Sutter jumping off the second rope to the mat. He landed on his feet right in front of the big man, so he could be taken over with a Belly-to-Belly Suplex. PC Little Dragon screams: “AT LEAST JUMP FAR ENOUGH FOR HIM TO CATCH YOU!” Fake Kendo Stick Shot? Check! Su Yung didn’t even hit Fallah Bahh. Impact continues to make The Three Stooges look like Shakespeare. The Undead Bride went over her female counterpart with a Panic Switch. Hogan certainly has potential. Who knows if Orlando is planning to keep her? Corporate flexibility does not appear to be a choice for Anthem’s Circus Division.

“That was interesting. Could’ve been presented better.” Little Dragon is not wrong. After the bell, Knockouts Champion Allie fires the next shot at Su Yung, attacking her on the ramp. It’s gonna take all of Allie’s emotional strength and positive energy to overcome this challenge, and she knows it. Weirdly, Braxton Sutter appeared torn between both ladies while pulling them apart. I doubt this was intentional. Given his erratic behavior, few sheep would buy a face turn right now. Most would be very surprised if The Second Bride Gimmick in recent Impact history doesn’t leave Redemption with Knockouts Gold.

Even for a show under these circumstances, there were tons of promos and recap material. The rehash fest began with a scene from the LAX clubhouse. Konnan is warning the crew about Scott Steiner’s volatility. “This dude can sell anything, including a 50-year-old relic.” After AI Hercules picked up the mic, we cut to Eli Drake doing some self-aggrandizing because of his dual briefcases. Ham Cube shows up mid-way through his promo; running down The Mexican Ace, saying all he did in The NWO was carry bags. Bless your heart Scott. Next was a vignette recounting the Eddie Edwards/OVE angle along with its pending 6-man resolution at Redemption. Our last sleeping pill comes in an infomercial for The Indian Sub-continent, as Matt Sydal continues to lie about his third eye in preparation for his X-Division Title Match with Petey Williams.

We wake up to a relevant interview as Jimmy Jacobs and Kongo Kong remind us that Johnny Impact’s opportunities have increased thanks to his good looks. Dragged Out Disco parrots that monsters like Kongo Kong must take opportunities when they present themselves. Johnny Gorgeous would have some empathy after Jimmy’s Giant Stutter got his hands on The Captain of Starship Pain. It’s very difficult to move a pissed off brick wall. For now, this program is meant to mimic a windshield and bug encounter. Despite Mr. Morrison’s professionalism, PC Little Dragon notices negligence from some of his co-workers. “Either the cameraman shot this from the wrong angle, or Impact has terrible editors.” Jacobs’ monster set up the ring steps on the apron. Kong carried Johnny into his crude weapon face-first. His hand was clearly going up; both to cushion the blow and hide the obvious blading. Seriously Impact? This episode has been canned for weeks and THAT’S the best you’ve got? Betting my chair swinging supervisors could find a more usable shot.

Unfortunately, additional filler closed the show. Before we got there, KM was issuing his “open challenge” in the ring. Brian Cage enters and squashes the heel as a billboard for the 6-way X-Division match at Redemption. Apparently, bookers in Orlando have been watching RAW under cover. They replayed the entire Main Event from a tandem show with Lucha Underground at WrestleCon in New Orleans. The only problem with doing this is that the exact same match is The Main Event Sunday, Austin Aries Promotional Gold will be in the balance though. Don’t misunderstand, it was a very good match and I enjoyed learning the backstory of Pentagon Jr. & Fenix. Why cut the buy rate to a PPV on purpose? Who honestly believes either of the masked siblings is walking out of the reset with the strap? If owl suits need assistance with talent and creative process, my boys and I know a weather-related couple not far from the Parent Company who could help with both. We will see everyone soon. Time to recharge!

 


Let us know what you think on social media @theCHAIRSHOTcom and always remember to use the hashtag #UseYourHead!
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Mad Man’s Spinal Tap & 20 Questions

Back to back weeks we see the Mad Man come to play in our sandbox. Does this article go to 11? Are the retread concepts, just hollow nowadays?

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Back to back weeks we see the Mad Man come to play in our sandbox! Does this article go to 11?

When you have decades of experience watching the art form, your eyes and thought processes change. It’s the reason my colleagues can break down pending news and angles we haven’t seen yet. Mr. Meltzer made a cottage industry out of it. A ton of people on The Internet are trying to follow suit. Then, there are fans like me. As much as I love twitter, Professional Wrestling fans were never meant to receive “spoilers” every day.

This is NOT a “Back in my day…” thing. My eyes have changed too. However, I am focused more on WWE’s calendar when watching Stamford’s offering. If I think about wrestling. it’s very simple. My suspension of disbelief is gone for very few performers. In fact, I would say it’s gone for most fans. If we know it’s a work, why are scripts and outcomes still based on the assumption that we don’t? If I have seen a gimmick before, I am VERY hard to impress. Make me believe you can beat somebody; and stand out doing so, or I will chew you up and spit you the Hell out.

For those who say I should keep my mouth shut because I can’t perform and never have, I DON’T CARE! Saint Dave gets a pass, and y’all still watch the current product like his lap dogs and clones, despite “knowing’ the outcome? I don’t watch for the outcome anymore. Based on character development and pushes, I can see that coming. Call me a hypocrite and I will play 20 Questions with you. Can you get me to the finish line without looking like an idiot or a laughable copy of someone else?

Su Yung is 5’6’’ish. Marks and sheep world wide are transfixed and petrified? Make up aside, why? She is impersonating three legends with no unique move set and doing it very badly. Without her zombies, can she beat anybody? Mr. Calloway used druids. He was 6’10’’ and did not need them to kick your ass. Mick Foley put himself and you through HELL before using The Mandible Claw. You had no choice but to take it. The Great Muta was arguably the best Rising Sun performer of all time. He had a move set most American fans had never seen before. The Mist was believable in his hands because audience and opponent were spinning trying to keep up with him. Where is Su Yung’s Mysticism? As much as fans love her, there are no OMG moments in her matches, and her gimmick is predicated on them.

She is far from the only example. Twitter went crazy about a month ago because a top name on the indies put something in her opponent’s mouth during a match. Outside of a prison fight, when would this EVER HAPPEN? Why is this necessary? If this is a work, why would any girl allow someone to do this? Tell me why either woman gets hired again without the parrot response? Same question applies to Joseph. Dude ain’t pickin’ up anybody like that in real life. I dare him to pick my wheelchair up with his finish. He would be in traction.

Tony Schiavone is our crazy wrestling fan uncle. Our memories of him when we were kids and teenagers all ROCK! He is without question one of the best to ever call the action. God Bless Conrad Flair for bringing him back to the art form. Among other fun stuff, he now does commentary for MLW. With tongue firmly planted in cheek; I must say, I have a slight problem with him. I understand that it is his job. He continues to put MJF over because?? I get the gimmick. It’s just OLD! He is ripping off The Miz. One look at him, and you can see that. “I have more money than you.” So did DiBiase. And if you did, you wouldn’t need the $50.00 a night you made before Tony started calling your matches because you’d be paying him. Just wait until Mike retires before you go to New York.

Finally, we arrive at the biggest tent. Vinnie’s circus was on The West Coast in The House of Hot Rod & Billy Jack Haynes. Sheep under 25 are now asking a three-worded question. The only help you’ll get from me is to say that he may have been the father of Modern Independent Wrestling. Sometimes, it wasn’t his choice, and he is still fighting demons today.

Back to this week. Didn’t Spinal Tap all stand in the Center Ring around a month ago and do a babyface promo? “It’s our fault. We’ll do better for you. This is YOUR product.” First, I believe Stephanie as a babyface as much as I believe Saint Richard as a babyface. Shut up and go home as a shoot. Second, as big a moron as Vince is, he’s NOT leaving the person carrying the big top out of WrestleMania! Outside of the obvious, Becky’s leg is a work. SHE WAS LIMPING ON THE WRONG ONE ON MONDAY! Seth Rollins is hurt as a shoot. He WASN’T at Monday Night Raw. If Becky wasn’t cleared, she wouldn’t be on either show. So WHY is everybody going apes*** over this?

Sometimes, I can’t tell which group is Spinal Tap?

Is it the group on stage or the sheep who believe what they’re watching? I truly wish this art form was treated more like real competition.


Let us know what you think on social media @theCHAIRSHOTcom and always remember to use the hashtag #UseYourHead!
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Mad Man’s Consequences Of Sainthood

Does the lineage of Saint Ric need no explanation?

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It’s been a while since Mad Man has landed his Sea Duck in our waters. He has a Flair for gold and the bold! Let’s see where this goes.

Let’s see if I remember how to do this. The Internet Wrestling Community has not seen this from me in months. Something BIG had to happen to get me out of hiding.

I’d say this week at Vinnie’s Circus certainly qualifies. If you’re expecting me to wax poetic about the dudes, take some Nyquil and go back to sleep. The Royal Rumble is both brilliant and flawed at the same time. And yes, it is about effing time the ladies got their shot to steal the show. Although, it can be quite successfully argued, they do so on a nightly basis already. All did a fabulous job last year. Including my girl; Lady Banks, going well past an hour over two nights. Drawing The Shawn Michaels Slot at #1, And then, making a beeline to the ring for a nose-to-nose promo with The Female Muta, Asuka.

The Female Dragon had two words echoing through Philadelphia to kick off Monday Night: “I’M READY!” Those who saw the full confrontation know she was. Who was her opposition in the desert again? The thought of The Rumble being flawed is not new. Especially when its ultimate goal is taken into account. Win the damn thing and Main Event The Showcase of The Immortals! Wait, what did I just say? Back to that shortly.

Blemishes in the execution of this concept make their first appearance innocently enough. The victor in this contest is not based on who participates in it. The Champions headed into WrestleMania dictate the finish. What results from algebra like this? Simple, in most years over 80% of the field is background noise. Most of the time, smarks and sheep alike have a pretty good idea who’s headed to Mania. Overwhelmingly, we don’t mind as long as we get a great match. This changes when the feminine equivalent of Mike Tyson shows up on Vinnie’s doorstep, signs a convoluted contract, and just might bail after the biggest show of the year. Storyline and logic; what little there is in this art form we love, take a beating when Vinnie says Tyson MUST face Holyfield before she runs off to have kids and turn into Brock Lesnar.

What the Hell does he do with the Female Connor McGregor?

The BEST organic baby face in the industry this decade. He turned into Helen Keller on Monday Night. No, you little prick! I am in the wheelchair. You are not disabled! Did he see or feel the crowd in Phoenix? I certainly did. In fact, my neighbors knocked on my apartment door to ask if I was alright. That’s how loud I was. Vince, you haven’t had an honest crowd reaction like that in 20 years, and you wanna pollute it? “Jesus, she wasn’t supposed to be here. You mean these fans AREN’T sheep?” Don’t worry Vince, they’re still sheep and this is still all about Flair and McMahon, DAMMIT! For those laughing at me and saying it’s a work; guess what? It doesn’t have to feel like a work!

I started feeling like something was different about Professional Wrestling in the late ‘80s, when nobody could kick Ric Flair’s ass and get rid of him. First switch of NWA Gold I remember? Ronnie Garvin taking out Flair in Detroit, 1988. As an eight-year-old, I was hardly thinking about math. Why does this matter? Garvin had The Gold six weeks. He had one Title Defense at the end of that window, against Ric Flair. Guess who won? Everybody does cartwheels over his trilogy with The Dragon in 1989, not me. Don’t get me wrong, phenomenal matches, but Ric Flair was always walking out with Championship Gold. Hey Ric, the art itself was a work. Why show us The Gold was too? Spanning from 1984 and Kerry Von Erich to 1993 And Barry Windham, Ric Flair was GIVEN no less than five runs with NWA Gold or its equal because he was Saint Richard Flair isn’t the only idiot in the modern art. During his last holy act with Ricky Steamboat, Vincent Kennedy McMahon walks into a New Jersey courtroom and gigs the business hard way. Exposing it simply because he doesn’t wanna pay taxes on an authentic sporting event. Excuse every child under ten at the time? THANKS VINCE!

Two years later, WWF Gold was held up. How does he deal with this? First, let’s bring Ric Flair in because those in charge of WCW were absolute MORONS! Wait, Vinnie can’t have Hulk Hogan pinned in 1992. “It’s okay, we’ll put Gold on the line at The Royal Rumble. Winner gets The Strap!” Awesome, a boatload of great performers! Did ANYBODY really think Ric Flair wasn’t winning this match? HELL, Hogan pulled Sid Justice out from the floor! At least Flair won in 1992. Flash forward almost three decades. If the concept is, “Winner gets choice of Champion at WrestleMania” Why is Sid Justice going to Main Event Mania FROM THE FLOOR? Hey ass****, if you NEED Tyson/Holyfield, do the Bret/Luger finish! Becky WON the match! Here’s an idea, every televised event from here to Mania is held in an empty arena until we are given a collective Heimlich Maneuver to expel Ashley from our systems. The WWE Universe would never do this because sheep love this circus. If this stands, The Women’s Royal Rumble has jumped the shark just two years in. Vince, we know it’s a work.

Why must you insist on making it THIS! Give Asuka to Ashley. You don’t need to verify Charlotte Flair’s Sainthood. Sasha Banks has seen it three times.


Let us know what you think on social media @theCHAIRSHOTcom and always remember to use the hashtag #UseYourHead!
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