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CheapShots: Hair of The Dog And Voodoo #2

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Carmella Smackdown Entrance
Cheap Shots are unfiltered, uncensored opinions, and those opinions reflect only the author!

Since some of my passengers and I are on our last stroll down Bourbon Street for a while, let’s have a good time! The final remnants of a week-long bender don’t wanna let go as SmackDown Live Commissioner Shane McMahon opens the show with a quick recap of his tag team victory with Daniel Bryan. Gushing about Bryan’s physical ability and passion for the business despite Daniel’s three-year layoff, Shane gives us a powerful piece of information. The SmackDown Live GM has officially resigned his position of authority to return to full-time in-ring competition.

As a tribute to The Junkyard Dog in his most memorable territory, Shane’s Double Thump of good news was not complete. The right cross was equally heavy with positive energy. Due to his wrestling, someone would have to replace The American Dragon in terms of decision making on The Blue Brand. Rumors of a forgiven leader of maniacs have crept to the surface for weeks. Thankfully, we don’t have to listen to a dude in his 60s. Tweet me, I will fight you all damn day! We get to listen to a 25-year-old sexy Goth Chick! They did something right! SHE’S HOME! I popped like a ten-year-old when everybody blew up. THANK YOU WWE! Heel or babyface, Paige will be AWESOME in the role of GM. This is STILL her house!

The Pale Rider’s first decree as General Manager is to put the returning Daniel Brian in a match with…AJ Styles! More on that later. The first match of last evening put The New Day against The Usos to see who would challenge newly crowned Tag Team Champions; The Bludgeon Brothers, for The Gold in the desert. As always, these two teams had a combination classic. Neither held the advantage for long stretches of time and chemistry in the ring is beyond obvious. Rikishi’s boys won, but the outcome was a coin flip until the three-count. Afterward, Harper & Rowan came out to point their hammers and look menacing, mission accomplished.

Follow me to recess on acid. I wish I was kidding. It all started simple enough. A backstage segment began with Naomi standing next to the prefab trophy she won for surviving The Women’s Battle Royal at Mania. Seriously Vinnie? You’ve got millions in the budget, and THAT’S what you come up with? Anyway, random thought: Would anybody have a problem if the future trophy was named for Cyndi Lauper, or am I a dinosaur? What’s more fun in wrestling than an All-Girl Battle Royal? Why wasn’t she in the celebrity wing of The WWE Hall of Fame 15 years ago?

Nattie’s cutting a horrible heel promo again. This leads to a decent match that Naomi won clean with a Split-Legged Moonsalt. Jumping one segment, Charlotte’s aura takes a bow from Second Nature breaking Asuka’s unbeaten streak at WrestleMania. I’m betting a minute into her promo, no one watching thought The Queen’s Reign as SmackDown Women’s Champion would be over faster than an album cut ends. Look it up, Millennial Nerds! Now hold your breath. Here we go. Unique music hits as Corey Graves loses his mind. Two stunning koalas come out. This tandem is known as The Iconics. The last time I saw Billie Kay; she had longer hair and had yet to see a tanning bed. If I remember correctly, she was jobbed out to Nia Jax and sent back to NXT. Ms. Kaye found a kindred Aussie in Peyton Royce.  Both ladies come down and patronize Charlotte like everyone else has since her arrival. The striking difference with these ladies is that they are each Second Nature’s equal in terms of physical dimension.

Translation? If they wanted to beat the crap out of her, they could certainly beat the crap out of her. Guess what they wanted to do? This wasn’t Human Scrimshaw and The Riott Squad. These girls weren’t done until the job was finished. They are a problem and have no conscience. Perfect heels in the perfect spot. Especially for Carmella! Even the walking Carlos Mencia punchline couldn’t screw this up. Charlotte was a broken zombie because of the beatdown. All it took was 287 days and one kick. Blondie Circus is now The SmackDown Women’s Champion. I said it last night. I will gladly say it again. Gold is not an indication of ability. After over a year being called up, they still don’t trust you alone in a ring. Stamford found two guys to hide you and prop you up. The d*** head’s gone because that’s what he is. And your boyfriend took a terrible bump. We can count on two hands the number of singles matches you have actually won. Young lady, your gimmick is all you’ve got. Even your acceptance promo was your first decent sign of a pulse since winning your shield, I mean your briefcase. Congratulations, I can talk too. You are the classic definition of go away heat, regardless of the strap they gave you.

Speaking of giving someone Gold. They gave Jinder Mahal The United States Chanpionship because Vince McMahon refuses to do thorough international research. Who is The Indian Brooklyn Brawler’s first challenger? I know, let’s just do the match from Mania again, and take The Sikh out of it! Did I mention I hate lazy booking? Thanks, Cornette! The Viper won the reboot with an RKO on Bobby Roode. YAWN! At least I have the main event to help wake me up.

As I pick the mic up once again, I rewind the night to an interesting promo from Shinsuke Nakamura following his heel turn at Mania. An insincere apology led the parrot to prod him further: “Sorry, no speak English…” This just got weird. AJ Styles says he can’t focus on The Artist Formerly Known as right now. He’s right. He’s got Daniel Bryan in a singles match to close things out. So nice to see two dudes wrestle and help erase three years in ten minutes. The Beard looked like he had never left. Unfortunately, Nakamura ran in to low blow Styles twice. It was a very schizophrenic show. Still very solid. Storylines will change and move now. Oh, a Google Earth view of Vinnie’s back yard. I will pick up my passengers for Hartford soon!

 


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MadMan: She’s Handing Out Blues Better Than A Namesake Will

Madman decided to follow his blue dragon back towards the titans! Let’s see what black magic he weaves in this edition.

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Madman decided to follow his blue dragon back towards the titans! Let’s see what black magic he weaves in this edition.

I may not be in regular rotation, but when they give me a chair, I swing for my fences. As a decades-long consumer of the art, I don’t have many left. The only Home Runs WWE has placed within my scope, can be found in Women’s Division on both Monday Night Raw & SmackDown Live.

The year I began watching wrestling, some very interesting circumstances took place surrounding cable television. WTBS; (Atlanta), WAS the home of The NWA’s Jim Crockett Promotions. At least until “Black Saturday,” which ultimately saw Vinnie Jr. Hijack the famous 6:05 time slot. This nearly cause riots among cable viewers opposed to McMahon’s product and presentation.

Though the million dollar ransom The Crocketts paid to get their flagship spot back on the dial gave the head of Titan Sports the backbone to finance WrestleMania, which helped to wreck most of the territories. Hell, it can be argued somewhat convincingly upon its 30th Anniversary, Vince himself ruined his biggest display’s pristine intentions for two consecutive years with Lesnar beating the streak instead of Bray Wyatt; and, Sting losing his ONLY Mania match because someone else had the right bride on their marriage license.

Despite the objections of both smarks and sheep in certain cases, we must respect the history of this pop culture institution. IF WrestleMania is Woodstock, it is only appropriate that Tito Santana opened the show with a victory!

In recent years, there has been only one person on The Main Roster who has matched the swag of Santana’s initial accomplishment without even trying, and she wrestled in the last Mania Match I cared about. Finally got tired of giving fans The Blues. She’s ready to deal some out in the form of steel chairs and God knows what else.

“Cut Her talent LOOSE!” We kept screaming. “A REAL run with Gold, PLEASE?” Like a kid aching just before Christmas. As with Solis, she was a true pro, until the strangest thing I’ve ever seen in the modern art form washed over us.

Fans and insiders alike FORGOT about Social Media! Don’t get me wrong, it’s still here. Can’t get away from it. Hell, I’m doing a roll-in on the internet right now! If you’ve been fans of us long enough, you’ll realize that last sentence was not a botch! Seriously, this thing felt like the territories back in the day. No one knew a damn thing! Even some of those paid to know were flipping a coin every five minutes. Thanks for the constant stress, you ancient prick!

Come on folks. If you know my current wrestling HEART at all, you KNEW the last Chair Shot on her return was coming from her Super Mark in Middle America! When older dudes at this circus describe what true fandom is like; they’ll often say: “That’s bulls***, that’s bulls***, that’s bulls***, BUT THAT’S REAL!”

For her boatloads of fans and the woman herself, Christmas is here! The Stamford’s latest Blues enthusiast is very real, And WWE’s Black Magic Woman IS BACK! Line ’em up. they’re all falling. Charlotte & Ronda too. To The Man and those in charge of her Twitter Account, thanks for keeping the possibility top of mind when things first got weird. We never gave up, but you will! MISSED YOU LADY BANKS!


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Mad Man’s Spinal Tap & 20 Questions

Back to back weeks we see the Mad Man come to play in our sandbox. Does this article go to 11? Are the retread concepts, just hollow nowadays?

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Back to back weeks we see the Mad Man come to play in our sandbox! Does this article go to 11?

When you have decades of experience watching the art form, your eyes and thought processes change. It’s the reason my colleagues can break down pending news and angles we haven’t seen yet. Mr. Meltzer made a cottage industry out of it. A ton of people on The Internet are trying to follow suit. Then, there are fans like me. As much as I love twitter, Professional Wrestling fans were never meant to receive “spoilers” every day.

This is NOT a “Back in my day…” thing. My eyes have changed too. However, I am focused more on WWE’s calendar when watching Stamford’s offering. If I think about wrestling. it’s very simple. My suspension of disbelief is gone for very few performers. In fact, I would say it’s gone for most fans. If we know it’s a work, why are scripts and outcomes still based on the assumption that we don’t? If I have seen a gimmick before, I am VERY hard to impress. Make me believe you can beat somebody; and stand out doing so, or I will chew you up and spit you the Hell out.

For those who say I should keep my mouth shut because I can’t perform and never have, I DON’T CARE! Saint Dave gets a pass, and y’all still watch the current product like his lap dogs and clones, despite “knowing’ the outcome? I don’t watch for the outcome anymore. Based on character development and pushes, I can see that coming. Call me a hypocrite and I will play 20 Questions with you. Can you get me to the finish line without looking like an idiot or a laughable copy of someone else?

Su Yung is 5’6’’ish. Marks and sheep world wide are transfixed and petrified? Make up aside, why? She is impersonating three legends with no unique move set and doing it very badly. Without her zombies, can she beat anybody? Mr. Calloway used druids. He was 6’10’’ and did not need them to kick your ass. Mick Foley put himself and you through HELL before using The Mandible Claw. You had no choice but to take it. The Great Muta was arguably the best Rising Sun performer of all time. He had a move set most American fans had never seen before. The Mist was believable in his hands because audience and opponent were spinning trying to keep up with him. Where is Su Yung’s Mysticism? As much as fans love her, there are no OMG moments in her matches, and her gimmick is predicated on them.

She is far from the only example. Twitter went crazy about a month ago because a top name on the indies put something in her opponent’s mouth during a match. Outside of a prison fight, when would this EVER HAPPEN? Why is this necessary? If this is a work, why would any girl allow someone to do this? Tell me why either woman gets hired again without the parrot response? Same question applies to Joseph. Dude ain’t pickin’ up anybody like that in real life. I dare him to pick my wheelchair up with his finish. He would be in traction.

Tony Schiavone is our crazy wrestling fan uncle. Our memories of him when we were kids and teenagers all ROCK! He is without question one of the best to ever call the action. God Bless Conrad Flair for bringing him back to the art form. Among other fun stuff, he now does commentary for MLW. With tongue firmly planted in cheek; I must say, I have a slight problem with him. I understand that it is his job. He continues to put MJF over because?? I get the gimmick. It’s just OLD! He is ripping off The Miz. One look at him, and you can see that. “I have more money than you.” So did DiBiase. And if you did, you wouldn’t need the $50.00 a night you made before Tony started calling your matches because you’d be paying him. Just wait until Mike retires before you go to New York.

Finally, we arrive at the biggest tent. Vinnie’s circus was on The West Coast in The House of Hot Rod & Billy Jack Haynes. Sheep under 25 are now asking a three-worded question. The only help you’ll get from me is to say that he may have been the father of Modern Independent Wrestling. Sometimes, it wasn’t his choice, and he is still fighting demons today.

Back to this week. Didn’t Spinal Tap all stand in the Center Ring around a month ago and do a babyface promo? “It’s our fault. We’ll do better for you. This is YOUR product.” First, I believe Stephanie as a babyface as much as I believe Saint Richard as a babyface. Shut up and go home as a shoot. Second, as big a moron as Vince is, he’s NOT leaving the person carrying the big top out of WrestleMania! Outside of the obvious, Becky’s leg is a work. SHE WAS LIMPING ON THE WRONG ONE ON MONDAY! Seth Rollins is hurt as a shoot. He WASN’T at Monday Night Raw. If Becky wasn’t cleared, she wouldn’t be on either show. So WHY is everybody going apes*** over this?

Sometimes, I can’t tell which group is Spinal Tap?

Is it the group on stage or the sheep who believe what they’re watching? I truly wish this art form was treated more like real competition.


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