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CheapShots: Impact Quickie #4

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Rosemary Impact Wrestling
Cheap Shots are unfiltered, uncensored opinions, and those opinions reflect only the author!

Mad Man currently chillin’ out at home. It’s time for me and my robot friends to hurl darts and insults at Anthem through Orlando and the live claymation circus that is Impact Wrestling. One minute deep, PC Little Dragon quips: “Look, a live action Raid commercial!” Barring random indie bookings, American fans of the art form no longer must put up with The Human Cockroach who impersonates tequila. Because of the termination of a disgrace to Mascaras’ legacy, the Main Event of Redemption needed a quick change. Thankfully, Impact found one at WrestleCon last week. Champion Austin Aries will face Pentagon Junior and Fenix. Both Lucha Underground athletes tore it up in a Triple-Threat with The Golden Vegan. Why not do it again in a pinch? Not bad for short notice.

We begin the main Florida portion of the show with an in-ring promo. If there is a bigger ego than Aries on The Impact Roster, it belongs to Eli Drake. Like the champ, it is completely justified with solid heel work and great mic skills. Although, there is a small hole in his arrogance. How can you show a dude getting crushed at WrestleCon if he is your top heel in possession of two briefcases? Meanwhile. Drake starts rehashing his plot to acquire them. Periodically, he stops to hold a mirror up to sheepish obnoxiousness. AI Hercules says: “I agree, marks can be sheep and at times, much dumber than they think.”

Amid this, we are told by commentators that Drake has found a tag partner, enabling him proper use of one of the cases. No one knows who it is yet. Before Eli spits it out, he is interrupted by the music of Konnan and LAX. The OG Lucha says his boys don’t believe Drake could find a partner, and they demand to know his identity. The Self-Imposed Hyphen had bailed up the ramp upon LAX’s arrival. He was still visible with the mic and told Konnan that he has dealt with this person many times before.

My Electronic Intelligence and I were thinking Hernandez. Sadly, there was no Super Mex, DAMMIT! The boys nearly fried their circuits. “HAM CUBE?” They each appeared mystified. AI Hercules asked: “Over 50 years old, why does Scott Steiner need THIS paycheck right now?” PC Little Dragon chimes in: “He could barely move ten years ago, he damn sure can’t move now!” I was stunned, not only was Scott a member of a GREAT tag team. He was arguably the best in-ring American athlete of his generation. I am legitimately hoping this is not an Owen Hart situation for The Walking Steroid. Sincere apologies for the dark memories. As a parachute, no one in the artform right now; except for John Cena, can match promos with Konnan. If you try, you will lose. Top ten all-time!

Our first contest of the evening finds Sami Callahan accompanied by the rest of the Ohio Funhouse. The Buckeye Boys were taking on Moose. This has gotten personal in a hurry thanks to the former football player’s relationship with Eddie Edwards. Initially, it was a good fight, until we all noticed something. PC Little Dragon verbalized what we were thinking. “Why does it look like they are copying each other’s moves?” This began to feel very odd.

“…They are both decent, and one’s a very good athlete. Why are they doing this?” AI Hercules asked.

 

My only explanation was they were killing time. The contest ended after OVE jumped in the ring and attacked Moose. Of course, Callahan brought out the baseball bat. Even as big as Moose is, he’s not winning that battle 3-on-1. This prompts a still vulnerable Eddie Edwards to run to the ring and start swinging. Eventually, our friends from Ohio immobilize him. Did I say someone was vulnerable? Out comes Eddie’s wife. Please stay in the back or advance the storyline. Thank God they chose the latter because this was getting uncomfortable fast. In unison: “Lights Out? Who??” If they hadn’t done the video package for WrestleCon earlier, I wouldn’t have known Tommy Dreamer was a suit for impact! Lights come back on: “It’s The Innovator of Violence with a kendo stick!” Screams AI Hercules. The Hardcore Legend says he draws the line at attacking a man’s wife. A 6-Man Hardcore Rules Match. Edwards, Moose & Dreamer vs. OVE & Callahan at Redemption. LET’S FINISH IT! “ECW, ECW, ECW!”

That was intense. PC Little Dragon says he needs a nap. I told him not to worry, one was almost imminent. Josh Matthews has been talking trash about Petey Williams all night. An alleged match between the two was scheduled. It wasn’t a match. “I would rather see James Ellsworth in there, and he makes me hurl!” AI Hercules shakes his head. I can’t say that I disagree with him. We know this device is meant to stall and get to Redemption. Doesn’t make it necessary. Why is someone no bigger then me repeatedly allowed to “compete” in the ring while non-fans laugh at us? Send in the carpenters and keep those who have never done anything but talk and read scripts OUT!

Cut backstage and Johnny Impact is doing a promo on Jimmy Jacobs’ lack of professionalism in terms of letting him do this half of his job. PC Little Dragon smirks, “Excuse me Johnny All Names? I like you, but this is Professional Wrestling, correct?”

Dragged Out Disco Inferno and his Giant Stutter continue their pattern of antagonism and interruption. Johnny says he is tired of the disrespect. He will be in the ring next week if Jacobs and Kong are interested in continuing this discussion. Guessing the talk will be over at that point.

After the segment, a 6-Man Tag had been building from weeks of KM and The Cult of Lee bullying Fallah Bahh and Richard Justice at various indie shows. Big Bad Tyrus had been watching this from afar and was in no mood to take it. He joined them to take the heels down a notch. Justice squashed two dudes with a clothesline off the apron. The Philippine Giant went over with his version of a Bonsai Drop. Honestly, I hope the writers at Impact find a good program for Fallah Bahh. I’d like to see something interesting for him.

Recess to close the show when The Demon Assassin had a showdown with The Queen of Valhalla in a glorified TLC Match the leader of The Hivelings calls “The Demon’s Dance.” It was a very physical match because these two know each other’s tendencies so well. I was slightly surprised there was no color involved. Rosemary got the win, giving Taya Valkyrie a piledriver from the second rope. I’m not sure if it was a bad camera angle or a bad idea. Rosemary has a unique in-ring history with injuries. I could tell that she took the bump for Taya. Good thing she’s a pro, because Su Yung is coming.

Overall, my boys and I think it was a solid show. We will see everyone soon.

 

 


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Cheap Shots

MadMan: She’s Handing Out Blues Better Than A Namesake Will

Madman decided to follow his blue dragon back towards the titans! Let’s see what black magic he weaves in this edition.

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Madman decided to follow his blue dragon back towards the titans! Let’s see what black magic he weaves in this edition.

I may not be in regular rotation, but when they give me a chair, I swing for my fences. As a decades-long consumer of the art, I don’t have many left. The only Home Runs WWE has placed within my scope, can be found in Women’s Division on both Monday Night Raw & SmackDown Live.

The year I began watching wrestling, some very interesting circumstances took place surrounding cable television. WTBS; (Atlanta), WAS the home of The NWA’s Jim Crockett Promotions. At least until “Black Saturday,” which ultimately saw Vinnie Jr. Hijack the famous 6:05 time slot. This nearly cause riots among cable viewers opposed to McMahon’s product and presentation.

Though the million dollar ransom The Crocketts paid to get their flagship spot back on the dial gave the head of Titan Sports the backbone to finance WrestleMania, which helped to wreck most of the territories. Hell, it can be argued somewhat convincingly upon its 30th Anniversary, Vince himself ruined his biggest display’s pristine intentions for two consecutive years with Lesnar beating the streak instead of Bray Wyatt; and, Sting losing his ONLY Mania match because someone else had the right bride on their marriage license.

Despite the objections of both smarks and sheep in certain cases, we must respect the history of this pop culture institution. IF WrestleMania is Woodstock, it is only appropriate that Tito Santana opened the show with a victory!

In recent years, there has been only one person on The Main Roster who has matched the swag of Santana’s initial accomplishment without even trying, and she wrestled in the last Mania Match I cared about. Finally got tired of giving fans The Blues. She’s ready to deal some out in the form of steel chairs and God knows what else.

“Cut Her talent LOOSE!” We kept screaming. “A REAL run with Gold, PLEASE?” Like a kid aching just before Christmas. As with Solis, she was a true pro, until the strangest thing I’ve ever seen in the modern art form washed over us.

Fans and insiders alike FORGOT about Social Media! Don’t get me wrong, it’s still here. Can’t get away from it. Hell, I’m doing a roll-in on the internet right now! If you’ve been fans of us long enough, you’ll realize that last sentence was not a botch! Seriously, this thing felt like the territories back in the day. No one knew a damn thing! Even some of those paid to know were flipping a coin every five minutes. Thanks for the constant stress, you ancient prick!

Come on folks. If you know my current wrestling HEART at all, you KNEW the last Chair Shot on her return was coming from her Super Mark in Middle America! When older dudes at this circus describe what true fandom is like; they’ll often say: “That’s bulls***, that’s bulls***, that’s bulls***, BUT THAT’S REAL!”

For her boatloads of fans and the woman herself, Christmas is here! The Stamford’s latest Blues enthusiast is very real, And WWE’s Black Magic Woman IS BACK! Line ’em up. they’re all falling. Charlotte & Ronda too. To The Man and those in charge of her Twitter Account, thanks for keeping the possibility top of mind when things first got weird. We never gave up, but you will! MISSED YOU LADY BANKS!


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Cheap Shots

Mad Man’s Spinal Tap & 20 Questions

Back to back weeks we see the Mad Man come to play in our sandbox. Does this article go to 11? Are the retread concepts, just hollow nowadays?

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Back to back weeks we see the Mad Man come to play in our sandbox! Does this article go to 11?

When you have decades of experience watching the art form, your eyes and thought processes change. It’s the reason my colleagues can break down pending news and angles we haven’t seen yet. Mr. Meltzer made a cottage industry out of it. A ton of people on The Internet are trying to follow suit. Then, there are fans like me. As much as I love twitter, Professional Wrestling fans were never meant to receive “spoilers” every day.

This is NOT a “Back in my day…” thing. My eyes have changed too. However, I am focused more on WWE’s calendar when watching Stamford’s offering. If I think about wrestling. it’s very simple. My suspension of disbelief is gone for very few performers. In fact, I would say it’s gone for most fans. If we know it’s a work, why are scripts and outcomes still based on the assumption that we don’t? If I have seen a gimmick before, I am VERY hard to impress. Make me believe you can beat somebody; and stand out doing so, or I will chew you up and spit you the Hell out.

For those who say I should keep my mouth shut because I can’t perform and never have, I DON’T CARE! Saint Dave gets a pass, and y’all still watch the current product like his lap dogs and clones, despite “knowing’ the outcome? I don’t watch for the outcome anymore. Based on character development and pushes, I can see that coming. Call me a hypocrite and I will play 20 Questions with you. Can you get me to the finish line without looking like an idiot or a laughable copy of someone else?

Su Yung is 5’6’’ish. Marks and sheep world wide are transfixed and petrified? Make up aside, why? She is impersonating three legends with no unique move set and doing it very badly. Without her zombies, can she beat anybody? Mr. Calloway used druids. He was 6’10’’ and did not need them to kick your ass. Mick Foley put himself and you through HELL before using The Mandible Claw. You had no choice but to take it. The Great Muta was arguably the best Rising Sun performer of all time. He had a move set most American fans had never seen before. The Mist was believable in his hands because audience and opponent were spinning trying to keep up with him. Where is Su Yung’s Mysticism? As much as fans love her, there are no OMG moments in her matches, and her gimmick is predicated on them.

She is far from the only example. Twitter went crazy about a month ago because a top name on the indies put something in her opponent’s mouth during a match. Outside of a prison fight, when would this EVER HAPPEN? Why is this necessary? If this is a work, why would any girl allow someone to do this? Tell me why either woman gets hired again without the parrot response? Same question applies to Joseph. Dude ain’t pickin’ up anybody like that in real life. I dare him to pick my wheelchair up with his finish. He would be in traction.

Tony Schiavone is our crazy wrestling fan uncle. Our memories of him when we were kids and teenagers all ROCK! He is without question one of the best to ever call the action. God Bless Conrad Flair for bringing him back to the art form. Among other fun stuff, he now does commentary for MLW. With tongue firmly planted in cheek; I must say, I have a slight problem with him. I understand that it is his job. He continues to put MJF over because?? I get the gimmick. It’s just OLD! He is ripping off The Miz. One look at him, and you can see that. “I have more money than you.” So did DiBiase. And if you did, you wouldn’t need the $50.00 a night you made before Tony started calling your matches because you’d be paying him. Just wait until Mike retires before you go to New York.

Finally, we arrive at the biggest tent. Vinnie’s circus was on The West Coast in The House of Hot Rod & Billy Jack Haynes. Sheep under 25 are now asking a three-worded question. The only help you’ll get from me is to say that he may have been the father of Modern Independent Wrestling. Sometimes, it wasn’t his choice, and he is still fighting demons today.

Back to this week. Didn’t Spinal Tap all stand in the Center Ring around a month ago and do a babyface promo? “It’s our fault. We’ll do better for you. This is YOUR product.” First, I believe Stephanie as a babyface as much as I believe Saint Richard as a babyface. Shut up and go home as a shoot. Second, as big a moron as Vince is, he’s NOT leaving the person carrying the big top out of WrestleMania! Outside of the obvious, Becky’s leg is a work. SHE WAS LIMPING ON THE WRONG ONE ON MONDAY! Seth Rollins is hurt as a shoot. He WASN’T at Monday Night Raw. If Becky wasn’t cleared, she wouldn’t be on either show. So WHY is everybody going apes*** over this?

Sometimes, I can’t tell which group is Spinal Tap?

Is it the group on stage or the sheep who believe what they’re watching? I truly wish this art form was treated more like real competition.


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