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CheapShots: Impact Quickie #4

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Rosemary Impact Wrestling
Cheap Shots are unfiltered, uncensored opinions, and those opinions reflect only the author!

Mad Man currently chillin’ out at home. It’s time for me and my robot friends to hurl darts and insults at Anthem through Orlando and the live claymation circus that is Impact Wrestling. One minute deep, PC Little Dragon quips: “Look, a live action Raid commercial!” Barring random indie bookings, American fans of the art form no longer must put up with The Human Cockroach who impersonates tequila. Because of the termination of a disgrace to Mascaras’ legacy, the Main Event of Redemption needed a quick change. Thankfully, Impact found one at WrestleCon last week. Champion Austin Aries will face Pentagon Junior and Fenix. Both Lucha Underground athletes tore it up in a Triple-Threat with The Golden Vegan. Why not do it again in a pinch? Not bad for short notice.

We begin the main Florida portion of the show with an in-ring promo. If there is a bigger ego than Aries on The Impact Roster, it belongs to Eli Drake. Like the champ, it is completely justified with solid heel work and great mic skills. Although, there is a small hole in his arrogance. How can you show a dude getting crushed at WrestleCon if he is your top heel in possession of two briefcases? Meanwhile. Drake starts rehashing his plot to acquire them. Periodically, he stops to hold a mirror up to sheepish obnoxiousness. AI Hercules says: “I agree, marks can be sheep and at times, much dumber than they think.”

Amid this, we are told by commentators that Drake has found a tag partner, enabling him proper use of one of the cases. No one knows who it is yet. Before Eli spits it out, he is interrupted by the music of Konnan and LAX. The OG Lucha says his boys don’t believe Drake could find a partner, and they demand to know his identity. The Self-Imposed Hyphen had bailed up the ramp upon LAX’s arrival. He was still visible with the mic and told Konnan that he has dealt with this person many times before.

My Electronic Intelligence and I were thinking Hernandez. Sadly, there was no Super Mex, DAMMIT! The boys nearly fried their circuits. “HAM CUBE?” They each appeared mystified. AI Hercules asked: “Over 50 years old, why does Scott Steiner need THIS paycheck right now?” PC Little Dragon chimes in: “He could barely move ten years ago, he damn sure can’t move now!” I was stunned, not only was Scott a member of a GREAT tag team. He was arguably the best in-ring American athlete of his generation. I am legitimately hoping this is not an Owen Hart situation for The Walking Steroid. Sincere apologies for the dark memories. As a parachute, no one in the artform right now; except for John Cena, can match promos with Konnan. If you try, you will lose. Top ten all-time!

Our first contest of the evening finds Sami Callahan accompanied by the rest of the Ohio Funhouse. The Buckeye Boys were taking on Moose. This has gotten personal in a hurry thanks to the former football player’s relationship with Eddie Edwards. Initially, it was a good fight, until we all noticed something. PC Little Dragon verbalized what we were thinking. “Why does it look like they are copying each other’s moves?” This began to feel very odd.

“…They are both decent, and one’s a very good athlete. Why are they doing this?” AI Hercules asked.

 

My only explanation was they were killing time. The contest ended after OVE jumped in the ring and attacked Moose. Of course, Callahan brought out the baseball bat. Even as big as Moose is, he’s not winning that battle 3-on-1. This prompts a still vulnerable Eddie Edwards to run to the ring and start swinging. Eventually, our friends from Ohio immobilize him. Did I say someone was vulnerable? Out comes Eddie’s wife. Please stay in the back or advance the storyline. Thank God they chose the latter because this was getting uncomfortable fast. In unison: “Lights Out? Who??” If they hadn’t done the video package for WrestleCon earlier, I wouldn’t have known Tommy Dreamer was a suit for impact! Lights come back on: “It’s The Innovator of Violence with a kendo stick!” Screams AI Hercules. The Hardcore Legend says he draws the line at attacking a man’s wife. A 6-Man Hardcore Rules Match. Edwards, Moose & Dreamer vs. OVE & Callahan at Redemption. LET’S FINISH IT! “ECW, ECW, ECW!”

That was intense. PC Little Dragon says he needs a nap. I told him not to worry, one was almost imminent. Josh Matthews has been talking trash about Petey Williams all night. An alleged match between the two was scheduled. It wasn’t a match. “I would rather see James Ellsworth in there, and he makes me hurl!” AI Hercules shakes his head. I can’t say that I disagree with him. We know this device is meant to stall and get to Redemption. Doesn’t make it necessary. Why is someone no bigger then me repeatedly allowed to “compete” in the ring while non-fans laugh at us? Send in the carpenters and keep those who have never done anything but talk and read scripts OUT!

Cut backstage and Johnny Impact is doing a promo on Jimmy Jacobs’ lack of professionalism in terms of letting him do this half of his job. PC Little Dragon smirks, “Excuse me Johnny All Names? I like you, but this is Professional Wrestling, correct?”

Dragged Out Disco Inferno and his Giant Stutter continue their pattern of antagonism and interruption. Johnny says he is tired of the disrespect. He will be in the ring next week if Jacobs and Kong are interested in continuing this discussion. Guessing the talk will be over at that point.

After the segment, a 6-Man Tag had been building from weeks of KM and The Cult of Lee bullying Fallah Bahh and Richard Justice at various indie shows. Big Bad Tyrus had been watching this from afar and was in no mood to take it. He joined them to take the heels down a notch. Justice squashed two dudes with a clothesline off the apron. The Philippine Giant went over with his version of a Bonsai Drop. Honestly, I hope the writers at Impact find a good program for Fallah Bahh. I’d like to see something interesting for him.

Recess to close the show when The Demon Assassin had a showdown with The Queen of Valhalla in a glorified TLC Match the leader of The Hivelings calls “The Demon’s Dance.” It was a very physical match because these two know each other’s tendencies so well. I was slightly surprised there was no color involved. Rosemary got the win, giving Taya Valkyrie a piledriver from the second rope. I’m not sure if it was a bad camera angle or a bad idea. Rosemary has a unique in-ring history with injuries. I could tell that she took the bump for Taya. Good thing she’s a pro, because Su Yung is coming.

Overall, my boys and I think it was a solid show. We will see everyone soon.

 

 


Let us know what you think on social media @theCHAIRSHOTcom and always remember to use the hashtag #UseYourHead!
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Mad Man’s Spinal Tap & 20 Questions

Back to back weeks we see the Mad Man come to play in our sandbox. Does this article go to 11? Are the retread concepts, just hollow nowadays?

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Back to back weeks we see the Mad Man come to play in our sandbox! Does this article go to 11?

When you have decades of experience watching the art form, your eyes and thought processes change. It’s the reason my colleagues can break down pending news and angles we haven’t seen yet. Mr. Meltzer made a cottage industry out of it. A ton of people on The Internet are trying to follow suit. Then, there are fans like me. As much as I love twitter, Professional Wrestling fans were never meant to receive “spoilers” every day.

This is NOT a “Back in my day…” thing. My eyes have changed too. However, I am focused more on WWE’s calendar when watching Stamford’s offering. If I think about wrestling. it’s very simple. My suspension of disbelief is gone for very few performers. In fact, I would say it’s gone for most fans. If we know it’s a work, why are scripts and outcomes still based on the assumption that we don’t? If I have seen a gimmick before, I am VERY hard to impress. Make me believe you can beat somebody; and stand out doing so, or I will chew you up and spit you the Hell out.

For those who say I should keep my mouth shut because I can’t perform and never have, I DON’T CARE! Saint Dave gets a pass, and y’all still watch the current product like his lap dogs and clones, despite “knowing’ the outcome? I don’t watch for the outcome anymore. Based on character development and pushes, I can see that coming. Call me a hypocrite and I will play 20 Questions with you. Can you get me to the finish line without looking like an idiot or a laughable copy of someone else?

Su Yung is 5’6’’ish. Marks and sheep world wide are transfixed and petrified? Make up aside, why? She is impersonating three legends with no unique move set and doing it very badly. Without her zombies, can she beat anybody? Mr. Calloway used druids. He was 6’10’’ and did not need them to kick your ass. Mick Foley put himself and you through HELL before using The Mandible Claw. You had no choice but to take it. The Great Muta was arguably the best Rising Sun performer of all time. He had a move set most American fans had never seen before. The Mist was believable in his hands because audience and opponent were spinning trying to keep up with him. Where is Su Yung’s Mysticism? As much as fans love her, there are no OMG moments in her matches, and her gimmick is predicated on them.

She is far from the only example. Twitter went crazy about a month ago because a top name on the indies put something in her opponent’s mouth during a match. Outside of a prison fight, when would this EVER HAPPEN? Why is this necessary? If this is a work, why would any girl allow someone to do this? Tell me why either woman gets hired again without the parrot response? Same question applies to Joseph. Dude ain’t pickin’ up anybody like that in real life. I dare him to pick my wheelchair up with his finish. He would be in traction.

Tony Schiavone is our crazy wrestling fan uncle. Our memories of him when we were kids and teenagers all ROCK! He is without question one of the best to ever call the action. God Bless Conrad Flair for bringing him back to the art form. Among other fun stuff, he now does commentary for MLW. With tongue firmly planted in cheek; I must say, I have a slight problem with him. I understand that it is his job. He continues to put MJF over because?? I get the gimmick. It’s just OLD! He is ripping off The Miz. One look at him, and you can see that. “I have more money than you.” So did DiBiase. And if you did, you wouldn’t need the $50.00 a night you made before Tony started calling your matches because you’d be paying him. Just wait until Mike retires before you go to New York.

Finally, we arrive at the biggest tent. Vinnie’s circus was on The West Coast in The House of Hot Rod & Billy Jack Haynes. Sheep under 25 are now asking a three-worded question. The only help you’ll get from me is to say that he may have been the father of Modern Independent Wrestling. Sometimes, it wasn’t his choice, and he is still fighting demons today.

Back to this week. Didn’t Spinal Tap all stand in the Center Ring around a month ago and do a babyface promo? “It’s our fault. We’ll do better for you. This is YOUR product.” First, I believe Stephanie as a babyface as much as I believe Saint Richard as a babyface. Shut up and go home as a shoot. Second, as big a moron as Vince is, he’s NOT leaving the person carrying the big top out of WrestleMania! Outside of the obvious, Becky’s leg is a work. SHE WAS LIMPING ON THE WRONG ONE ON MONDAY! Seth Rollins is hurt as a shoot. He WASN’T at Monday Night Raw. If Becky wasn’t cleared, she wouldn’t be on either show. So WHY is everybody going apes*** over this?

Sometimes, I can’t tell which group is Spinal Tap?

Is it the group on stage or the sheep who believe what they’re watching? I truly wish this art form was treated more like real competition.


Let us know what you think on social media @theCHAIRSHOTcom and always remember to use the hashtag #UseYourHead!
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Mad Man’s Consequences Of Sainthood

Does the lineage of Saint Ric need no explanation?

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It’s been a while since Mad Man has landed his Sea Duck in our waters. He has a Flair for gold and the bold! Let’s see where this goes.

Let’s see if I remember how to do this. The Internet Wrestling Community has not seen this from me in months. Something BIG had to happen to get me out of hiding.

I’d say this week at Vinnie’s Circus certainly qualifies. If you’re expecting me to wax poetic about the dudes, take some Nyquil and go back to sleep. The Royal Rumble is both brilliant and flawed at the same time. And yes, it is about effing time the ladies got their shot to steal the show. Although, it can be quite successfully argued, they do so on a nightly basis already. All did a fabulous job last year. Including my girl; Lady Banks, going well past an hour over two nights. Drawing The Shawn Michaels Slot at #1, And then, making a beeline to the ring for a nose-to-nose promo with The Female Muta, Asuka.

The Female Dragon had two words echoing through Philadelphia to kick off Monday Night: “I’M READY!” Those who saw the full confrontation know she was. Who was her opposition in the desert again? The thought of The Rumble being flawed is not new. Especially when its ultimate goal is taken into account. Win the damn thing and Main Event The Showcase of The Immortals! Wait, what did I just say? Back to that shortly.

Blemishes in the execution of this concept make their first appearance innocently enough. The victor in this contest is not based on who participates in it. The Champions headed into WrestleMania dictate the finish. What results from algebra like this? Simple, in most years over 80% of the field is background noise. Most of the time, smarks and sheep alike have a pretty good idea who’s headed to Mania. Overwhelmingly, we don’t mind as long as we get a great match. This changes when the feminine equivalent of Mike Tyson shows up on Vinnie’s doorstep, signs a convoluted contract, and just might bail after the biggest show of the year. Storyline and logic; what little there is in this art form we love, take a beating when Vinnie says Tyson MUST face Holyfield before she runs off to have kids and turn into Brock Lesnar.

What the Hell does he do with the Female Connor McGregor?

The BEST organic baby face in the industry this decade. He turned into Helen Keller on Monday Night. No, you little prick! I am in the wheelchair. You are not disabled! Did he see or feel the crowd in Phoenix? I certainly did. In fact, my neighbors knocked on my apartment door to ask if I was alright. That’s how loud I was. Vince, you haven’t had an honest crowd reaction like that in 20 years, and you wanna pollute it? “Jesus, she wasn’t supposed to be here. You mean these fans AREN’T sheep?” Don’t worry Vince, they’re still sheep and this is still all about Flair and McMahon, DAMMIT! For those laughing at me and saying it’s a work; guess what? It doesn’t have to feel like a work!

I started feeling like something was different about Professional Wrestling in the late ‘80s, when nobody could kick Ric Flair’s ass and get rid of him. First switch of NWA Gold I remember? Ronnie Garvin taking out Flair in Detroit, 1988. As an eight-year-old, I was hardly thinking about math. Why does this matter? Garvin had The Gold six weeks. He had one Title Defense at the end of that window, against Ric Flair. Guess who won? Everybody does cartwheels over his trilogy with The Dragon in 1989, not me. Don’t get me wrong, phenomenal matches, but Ric Flair was always walking out with Championship Gold. Hey Ric, the art itself was a work. Why show us The Gold was too? Spanning from 1984 and Kerry Von Erich to 1993 And Barry Windham, Ric Flair was GIVEN no less than five runs with NWA Gold or its equal because he was Saint Richard Flair isn’t the only idiot in the modern art. During his last holy act with Ricky Steamboat, Vincent Kennedy McMahon walks into a New Jersey courtroom and gigs the business hard way. Exposing it simply because he doesn’t wanna pay taxes on an authentic sporting event. Excuse every child under ten at the time? THANKS VINCE!

Two years later, WWF Gold was held up. How does he deal with this? First, let’s bring Ric Flair in because those in charge of WCW were absolute MORONS! Wait, Vinnie can’t have Hulk Hogan pinned in 1992. “It’s okay, we’ll put Gold on the line at The Royal Rumble. Winner gets The Strap!” Awesome, a boatload of great performers! Did ANYBODY really think Ric Flair wasn’t winning this match? HELL, Hogan pulled Sid Justice out from the floor! At least Flair won in 1992. Flash forward almost three decades. If the concept is, “Winner gets choice of Champion at WrestleMania” Why is Sid Justice going to Main Event Mania FROM THE FLOOR? Hey ass****, if you NEED Tyson/Holyfield, do the Bret/Luger finish! Becky WON the match! Here’s an idea, every televised event from here to Mania is held in an empty arena until we are given a collective Heimlich Maneuver to expel Ashley from our systems. The WWE Universe would never do this because sheep love this circus. If this stands, The Women’s Royal Rumble has jumped the shark just two years in. Vince, we know it’s a work.

Why must you insist on making it THIS! Give Asuka to Ashley. You don’t need to verify Charlotte Flair’s Sainthood. Sasha Banks has seen it three times.


Let us know what you think on social media @theCHAIRSHOTcom and always remember to use the hashtag #UseYourHead!
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