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CheapShots: Mad Man’s Impact Quickie #9

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Scott Steiner Impact Wrestling
Cheap Shots are unfiltered, uncensored opinions, and those opinions reflect only the author!

Festivities in Orlando kick off with a normalizing Josh Matthews and a contest for Impact Tag Team Gold. Eli Drake brought Scott Steiner back this week. At first, he was a curiosity and name to bring the company some exposure throughout a week of shows in New Orleans. Wanna bring him in? Gotta give him a strap. Due to the overflowing garbage last week, I didn’t get a good feel for his current skills. That’s because they have severely diminished. Opponents for the transitional champions? Andrew Everett & DJZ. These boys have been through a myriad of injuries, including a life-threatening issue for Mr. House Music. The match itself was not bad with The Self-Induced Hyphen in the ring. Ham Cube on the other hand? He is multiple steps slow and if he couldn’t cut his unpredictable promos, no organization would have use for him. Predictably, the honeymoon between Drake and Steiner was short. The above description may have given away the outcome. Thanks to a misplaced namesake of this website, there are New Tag Team Champions in Impact Wrestling.

Cut backstage and we see Grado holding the X symbol of the unknown attacker. Like an idiot, The UK Dork accuses Jimmy Jacobs and Kongo Kong of perpetrating these events. Jacobs says his Monster doesn’t need to do such things. As if the nerd’s foot wasn’t already in his mouth, his “girlfriend” Winter finished the job by challenging The Giant Stutter to a match. Yes, you Impact Tools, I’m using her other name. Contrary to what some of my readers may think, I have a sense of humor. When something borders on painful, I have no reason to laugh. That’s what Grado’s character feels like to me. The match was filler. The girlfriend was gone before her self-appointed victim was scraped off the canvas. Thank God Moose ran out to do away with this foolishness. Of course The Dragged Out Disco backed his heavy away from a real fight.

Recess is next as we bring in Madison Rayne to talk Knockouts! It has been years since most fans have seen the former TNA competitor over the airwaves. She was a consistent heel during her previous run. Still, Impact is not afraid to be innovative in certain areas. If this is a permanent alteration, it will be nice to hear the feminine perspective during these segments. I strongly doubt that possibility. I’ll get to why I think that shortly. Kiera Hogan wanted a shot to wake up The Horsewoman. Problem was, Ms. Blanchard was never asleep. The Girl on Fire acquitted herself well in spots, but who’s getting the justified gigantic push here? Tessa’s attitude and ability were too much. A victory was not satisfaction enough for the newest Knockout. She wanted to send a message to the locker room. Hogan’s excessive punishment brought Rayne out from studio commentary to the ring. Tully’s Daughter bailed after taking a tiny bit of her medicine. Sadly, this will not be an even fight when it happens. It would be interesting if it could be turned into one somehow. Madison may get an active roster spot from this, but she is taking the Mickie James role. Good worker, no gold. My feeling is, she was brought in to pad Tessa’s resume. If I’m wrong I can walk.

We know Brian Cage is a freak. This week, he was playing lawn darts with a Rust Belt Cruiserweight in Canada, Dude is beyond strong and has multiple ways to finish an adversary. This quality in a performer feels exceedingly rare. The overwhelming majority of those in the profession are given one finish and work toward it in every instance. There are usually false finishes somewhere on a competitive resume. This hasn’t been the case with The Machine because he has at least three finishers. After having some fun, Cage gave his target practice at least two bumps that looked like they could shoot hospitalize someone, he used a maneuver called Weapon X to collect another pelt. He gets back to The Impact Zone, everyone may be on borrowed time.

Alright, time for the dentist’s office. Dammit, wasn’t I just here? Anybody have any laughing gas? Deep breath, Eddie Edwards and Sami Callihan were under one roof because goofs in Orlando are mirroring their own storyline and acting like crazy stalkers. The roof was Tommy Dreamer’s House of Hardcore. The camera angles sucked. Why do 90% of indie shows have to feel like they happen in my former apartment’s garage? Lighting anyone? I don’t even think either man bladed, which is pointless in a match like this. Edwards won in less than ten minutes and none of it matters because Edwards said so. Looks like someone called this weeks ago. Why do execs in the art form keep coming off as more sheepish than the rest of us? Unfortunately, the extraction is not complete. I will not report on the next vignette because Rosemary is not dead.

Main Event time! This Week it was a tag team encounter highlighting two major Championship Defenses in two weeks at the next television special. Matches break down as follows: X Division, Matt Sydal faces The Son of The Ghost. Impact World Champion Pentagon Jr. has his mandatory rematch against Austin Aries. Teams were split with Impact representatives versus the luchadores from AAA. The Ghost’s Son got the victory with a move he calls The Thrill of The Kill. Frankly, I like his chances at Gold. Though, I’m not as confident in Pentagon Jr. Ever since The Cockroach’s dismissal, the company needed a stopgap and it is difficult to think of him as anything else right now. I hope to be proven wrong and I’m happy for his exposure to a mainstream American audience. We deserve to see more of what he can do. Overall, Impact is doing a solid creative job currently outside of the two trips to kindergarten purgatory involving a casket and worked non-firing.


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MadMan: She’s Handing Out Blues Better Than A Namesake Will

Madman decided to follow his blue dragon back towards the titans! Let’s see what black magic he weaves in this edition.

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Madman decided to follow his blue dragon back towards the titans! Let’s see what black magic he weaves in this edition.

I may not be in regular rotation, but when they give me a chair, I swing for my fences. As a decades-long consumer of the art, I don’t have many left. The only Home Runs WWE has placed within my scope, can be found in Women’s Division on both Monday Night Raw & SmackDown Live.

The year I began watching wrestling, some very interesting circumstances took place surrounding cable television. WTBS; (Atlanta), WAS the home of The NWA’s Jim Crockett Promotions. At least until “Black Saturday,” which ultimately saw Vinnie Jr. Hijack the famous 6:05 time slot. This nearly cause riots among cable viewers opposed to McMahon’s product and presentation.

Though the million dollar ransom The Crocketts paid to get their flagship spot back on the dial gave the head of Titan Sports the backbone to finance WrestleMania, which helped to wreck most of the territories. Hell, it can be argued somewhat convincingly upon its 30th Anniversary, Vince himself ruined his biggest display’s pristine intentions for two consecutive years with Lesnar beating the streak instead of Bray Wyatt; and, Sting losing his ONLY Mania match because someone else had the right bride on their marriage license.

Despite the objections of both smarks and sheep in certain cases, we must respect the history of this pop culture institution. IF WrestleMania is Woodstock, it is only appropriate that Tito Santana opened the show with a victory!

In recent years, there has been only one person on The Main Roster who has matched the swag of Santana’s initial accomplishment without even trying, and she wrestled in the last Mania Match I cared about. Finally got tired of giving fans The Blues. She’s ready to deal some out in the form of steel chairs and God knows what else.

“Cut Her talent LOOSE!” We kept screaming. “A REAL run with Gold, PLEASE?” Like a kid aching just before Christmas. As with Solis, she was a true pro, until the strangest thing I’ve ever seen in the modern art form washed over us.

Fans and insiders alike FORGOT about Social Media! Don’t get me wrong, it’s still here. Can’t get away from it. Hell, I’m doing a roll-in on the internet right now! If you’ve been fans of us long enough, you’ll realize that last sentence was not a botch! Seriously, this thing felt like the territories back in the day. No one knew a damn thing! Even some of those paid to know were flipping a coin every five minutes. Thanks for the constant stress, you ancient prick!

Come on folks. If you know my current wrestling HEART at all, you KNEW the last Chair Shot on her return was coming from her Super Mark in Middle America! When older dudes at this circus describe what true fandom is like; they’ll often say: “That’s bulls***, that’s bulls***, that’s bulls***, BUT THAT’S REAL!”

For her boatloads of fans and the woman herself, Christmas is here! The Stamford’s latest Blues enthusiast is very real, And WWE’s Black Magic Woman IS BACK! Line ’em up. they’re all falling. Charlotte & Ronda too. To The Man and those in charge of her Twitter Account, thanks for keeping the possibility top of mind when things first got weird. We never gave up, but you will! MISSED YOU LADY BANKS!


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Mad Man’s Spinal Tap & 20 Questions

Back to back weeks we see the Mad Man come to play in our sandbox. Does this article go to 11? Are the retread concepts, just hollow nowadays?

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Back to back weeks we see the Mad Man come to play in our sandbox! Does this article go to 11?

When you have decades of experience watching the art form, your eyes and thought processes change. It’s the reason my colleagues can break down pending news and angles we haven’t seen yet. Mr. Meltzer made a cottage industry out of it. A ton of people on The Internet are trying to follow suit. Then, there are fans like me. As much as I love twitter, Professional Wrestling fans were never meant to receive “spoilers” every day.

This is NOT a “Back in my day…” thing. My eyes have changed too. However, I am focused more on WWE’s calendar when watching Stamford’s offering. If I think about wrestling. it’s very simple. My suspension of disbelief is gone for very few performers. In fact, I would say it’s gone for most fans. If we know it’s a work, why are scripts and outcomes still based on the assumption that we don’t? If I have seen a gimmick before, I am VERY hard to impress. Make me believe you can beat somebody; and stand out doing so, or I will chew you up and spit you the Hell out.

For those who say I should keep my mouth shut because I can’t perform and never have, I DON’T CARE! Saint Dave gets a pass, and y’all still watch the current product like his lap dogs and clones, despite “knowing’ the outcome? I don’t watch for the outcome anymore. Based on character development and pushes, I can see that coming. Call me a hypocrite and I will play 20 Questions with you. Can you get me to the finish line without looking like an idiot or a laughable copy of someone else?

Su Yung is 5’6’’ish. Marks and sheep world wide are transfixed and petrified? Make up aside, why? She is impersonating three legends with no unique move set and doing it very badly. Without her zombies, can she beat anybody? Mr. Calloway used druids. He was 6’10’’ and did not need them to kick your ass. Mick Foley put himself and you through HELL before using The Mandible Claw. You had no choice but to take it. The Great Muta was arguably the best Rising Sun performer of all time. He had a move set most American fans had never seen before. The Mist was believable in his hands because audience and opponent were spinning trying to keep up with him. Where is Su Yung’s Mysticism? As much as fans love her, there are no OMG moments in her matches, and her gimmick is predicated on them.

She is far from the only example. Twitter went crazy about a month ago because a top name on the indies put something in her opponent’s mouth during a match. Outside of a prison fight, when would this EVER HAPPEN? Why is this necessary? If this is a work, why would any girl allow someone to do this? Tell me why either woman gets hired again without the parrot response? Same question applies to Joseph. Dude ain’t pickin’ up anybody like that in real life. I dare him to pick my wheelchair up with his finish. He would be in traction.

Tony Schiavone is our crazy wrestling fan uncle. Our memories of him when we were kids and teenagers all ROCK! He is without question one of the best to ever call the action. God Bless Conrad Flair for bringing him back to the art form. Among other fun stuff, he now does commentary for MLW. With tongue firmly planted in cheek; I must say, I have a slight problem with him. I understand that it is his job. He continues to put MJF over because?? I get the gimmick. It’s just OLD! He is ripping off The Miz. One look at him, and you can see that. “I have more money than you.” So did DiBiase. And if you did, you wouldn’t need the $50.00 a night you made before Tony started calling your matches because you’d be paying him. Just wait until Mike retires before you go to New York.

Finally, we arrive at the biggest tent. Vinnie’s circus was on The West Coast in The House of Hot Rod & Billy Jack Haynes. Sheep under 25 are now asking a three-worded question. The only help you’ll get from me is to say that he may have been the father of Modern Independent Wrestling. Sometimes, it wasn’t his choice, and he is still fighting demons today.

Back to this week. Didn’t Spinal Tap all stand in the Center Ring around a month ago and do a babyface promo? “It’s our fault. We’ll do better for you. This is YOUR product.” First, I believe Stephanie as a babyface as much as I believe Saint Richard as a babyface. Shut up and go home as a shoot. Second, as big a moron as Vince is, he’s NOT leaving the person carrying the big top out of WrestleMania! Outside of the obvious, Becky’s leg is a work. SHE WAS LIMPING ON THE WRONG ONE ON MONDAY! Seth Rollins is hurt as a shoot. He WASN’T at Monday Night Raw. If Becky wasn’t cleared, she wouldn’t be on either show. So WHY is everybody going apes*** over this?

Sometimes, I can’t tell which group is Spinal Tap?

Is it the group on stage or the sheep who believe what they’re watching? I truly wish this art form was treated more like real competition.


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