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CheapShots: We Shouldn’t Do This on An Empty Stomach

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New Day WWE Smackdown
Cheap Shots are unfiltered, uncensored opinions, and those opinions reflect only the author!

I was stuck in customs at Heathrow Monday afternoon. Brits have no clue what to make of a mechanical ass! Found a quick transport to O2 and a good bottle of scotch. Didn’t have time for Big Ben or Buckingham Palace. My body clock’s all kinds of screwed up. I was supposed to meet Regal at an English Pub for a crash course in British history of the art form. Agents from Scotland Yard made it impossible. Did I mention I hate metal detectors? Delays meant missing out on Monday Night Raw. I was able to make SmackDown Live. Gotta be quick. This is London. Not Canada, but it’s still its own shade of weird. Tip the bottle of scotch back and come along wankers!

We’re gonna do this in reverse because most of the promos led to interesting happenings and made sense. Start with Rene Young in the ring, calling out Daniel Bryan. Bless The Union Jack Crowd for literally hijacking this segment. She was trying to ask him questions about last week’s loss in his Money in The Bank Qualifier, and his emotional mindset. The crowd was so wired, Daniel had to take a mic and cut a solo promo to help her out. “…FEEL THAT!” Upon reflection, he said that happiness was adrenalizing his comeback and the loss brought him back to a competitive baseline. What is this? A logical athletic response from writers in WWE?  I’m shocked!

Unfortunately, this brought out Big Cass, cutting his typical obnoxious “I’m bigger than you” promo. Cass said the only reason he tapped out so fast at Backlash was, so he could get right to his feet and keep beating Daniel up. This side of the coin was only exposed briefly. Once it was flipped, the big man was involved with a wasp stinging the s*** out of him! Bryan went right after Cass’s vulnerable knee. First, wrapping it around the second steel cable and taking him to the mat. Then, putting him in a devastating heel hook. This forced Cass to tap. It didn’t matter. The only refs involved were trying to pull them apart. Good luck with that! Was Vince high last night?

Welcome to A Moonwalk better then the Fake Wrestler from Staten Island. Don’t worry, I’ll get to her too. AJ Styles and Shinsuke Nakamura cut opposing promos regarding their Main Event Tuesday night. Yes, it was a “give a PPV Match for free” kinda thing. However, this one had a purpose. Who are you and what have you done with Vince McMahon? The winner of this English Explosion got to pick the stipulation for their MITB Showdown and The Con Artist’s next shot at WWE Championship Gold. Surprisingly, the match itself had no actual nut shots but was still intense. These gentlemen have such an athletic connection that it was impossible for me to predict the outcome. Nakamura is so good at using his legs and his movement, it is almost pointless to watch the rest of him when he is within striking distance of an opponent. For A Stamford encounter, there were counters everywhere. Styles nearly jumped into the ref, allowing Nakamura to feign taking a low blow. This led to a second successful Kinshasha, and a Styles loss. The Artist Formerly Known as can now pick the match he wants at Money in The Bank

There was a unique twist in the next MITB Qualifier. Unique is a dinosaur in Stamford. The match was of the tag team variety. Though, only one member of the winning team could take part in The Name Sake match in The Windy City. Combatants: The New Day & The Bar. Miz was on commentary here. Why not? Mike will never be a baby face in my eyes. However, most sheep could see him as a tweener very soon. He suggested this single opportunity could lead to the breakup of The Modern Free Birds, I could see this possibility. Dammit, why is Mike sounding smart? Did somebody spike catering? Anyway, Xavier Woods is improving his skills in the ring. The shoot Brainiac scored the pin with an elbow from the top rope, making a path toward Singles Gold for one member of his team. As of writing this, we have no idea who will fill that spot.

Apparently, Paige’s retirement has turned the remaining members of Absolute Yawn into high school students. Don’t they know Little Miss Math Class is on RAW? This was the first of our GM’s two segments. Corey Graves’ Crush thought she was being handed an invitation for The Women’s MITB Match. Paige said both ladies would be given a chance to enter the contest in Chicago. The Jock thought that translated into a handicap match against Becky Lynch. Paige said no. The match would be a triple threat. Naturally, the individualistic goal attached to this match made it impractical to think the teammates could stick together. Mandy Rose knocked Sonya Deville from a pin and took The Disarmer for the loss, Those Predicting a losing streak for The Lass Kicker were wrong! My refusal to connect Carmella to anything related to wrestling enables me to drop this tidbit here. Since Miss No Revolution is just holding a belt, she needs another Mellabration because The Real Vince McMahon is an asshole. Thankfully, Paige put us out of our misery. Coming out to say Blondie Circus must defend SmackDown Women’s Gold at the PPV. Her opponent is The Rising Sun Mystic, Asuka. Vinnie’s Circus is hot shotting the s*** out of a PPV in JUNE! They must be careful coming out of it.

Be patient, I’ve got one glass left for four promos. Smart marks and sheep alike finally saw The Main Roster debut of Andrade “Cien” Almas and Zelina Vega. This was a squash. I don’t know much about The Former NXT Champion’s move set. He uses a running double-knee from corner to corner that looks like it can knock anybody out. His finish is a Hammer Lock DDT. My apologies Senior, no one else is The Snake! Let’s have some fun! I believe Ms. Vega comes to us with in-ring experience from Puerto Rico. I can tell you that she has an incredible look. She could probably cut an old-school heel promo in a blink. Fabulous mic skills. I can’t wait to see more of her!

Samoa Joe cut a random promo on Big Cass. Someone please wake me up when he does more than that. Cut backstage where Aiden English has a room full of merch to help his partner celebrate Rusev Day. The Songbird goes to hit his tagline when Lana cuts in. The Ravishing Russian has some interesting information. The Sexy Goth Chick put her in A Money in The Bank Qualifier versus Billie Kay! I’m partially torn because I am a big fan of all three of these ladies. The tear is shallow thanks to me knowing there is no way in Hell Lana is winning this match. The IIconics cut a great cell phone promo in response to this opportunity. I am slightly intrigued to see how this plays out. I am genuinely hopeful Vince is respectful of the statuesque Blonde. Not sure how much of this is the flowing spirit talking. I should sleep this off before flying the jet back to New York.


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MadMan: She’s Handing Out Blues Better Than A Namesake Will

Madman decided to follow his blue dragon back towards the titans! Let’s see what black magic he weaves in this edition.

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Madman decided to follow his blue dragon back towards the titans! Let’s see what black magic he weaves in this edition.

I may not be in regular rotation, but when they give me a chair, I swing for my fences. As a decades-long consumer of the art, I don’t have many left. The only Home Runs WWE has placed within my scope, can be found in Women’s Division on both Monday Night Raw & SmackDown Live.

The year I began watching wrestling, some very interesting circumstances took place surrounding cable television. WTBS; (Atlanta), WAS the home of The NWA’s Jim Crockett Promotions. At least until “Black Saturday,” which ultimately saw Vinnie Jr. Hijack the famous 6:05 time slot. This nearly cause riots among cable viewers opposed to McMahon’s product and presentation.

Though the million dollar ransom The Crocketts paid to get their flagship spot back on the dial gave the head of Titan Sports the backbone to finance WrestleMania, which helped to wreck most of the territories. Hell, it can be argued somewhat convincingly upon its 30th Anniversary, Vince himself ruined his biggest display’s pristine intentions for two consecutive years with Lesnar beating the streak instead of Bray Wyatt; and, Sting losing his ONLY Mania match because someone else had the right bride on their marriage license.

Despite the objections of both smarks and sheep in certain cases, we must respect the history of this pop culture institution. IF WrestleMania is Woodstock, it is only appropriate that Tito Santana opened the show with a victory!

In recent years, there has been only one person on The Main Roster who has matched the swag of Santana’s initial accomplishment without even trying, and she wrestled in the last Mania Match I cared about. Finally got tired of giving fans The Blues. She’s ready to deal some out in the form of steel chairs and God knows what else.

“Cut Her talent LOOSE!” We kept screaming. “A REAL run with Gold, PLEASE?” Like a kid aching just before Christmas. As with Solis, she was a true pro, until the strangest thing I’ve ever seen in the modern art form washed over us.

Fans and insiders alike FORGOT about Social Media! Don’t get me wrong, it’s still here. Can’t get away from it. Hell, I’m doing a roll-in on the internet right now! If you’ve been fans of us long enough, you’ll realize that last sentence was not a botch! Seriously, this thing felt like the territories back in the day. No one knew a damn thing! Even some of those paid to know were flipping a coin every five minutes. Thanks for the constant stress, you ancient prick!

Come on folks. If you know my current wrestling HEART at all, you KNEW the last Chair Shot on her return was coming from her Super Mark in Middle America! When older dudes at this circus describe what true fandom is like; they’ll often say: “That’s bulls***, that’s bulls***, that’s bulls***, BUT THAT’S REAL!”

For her boatloads of fans and the woman herself, Christmas is here! The Stamford’s latest Blues enthusiast is very real, And WWE’s Black Magic Woman IS BACK! Line ’em up. they’re all falling. Charlotte & Ronda too. To The Man and those in charge of her Twitter Account, thanks for keeping the possibility top of mind when things first got weird. We never gave up, but you will! MISSED YOU LADY BANKS!


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Mad Man’s Spinal Tap & 20 Questions

Back to back weeks we see the Mad Man come to play in our sandbox. Does this article go to 11? Are the retread concepts, just hollow nowadays?

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Back to back weeks we see the Mad Man come to play in our sandbox! Does this article go to 11?

When you have decades of experience watching the art form, your eyes and thought processes change. It’s the reason my colleagues can break down pending news and angles we haven’t seen yet. Mr. Meltzer made a cottage industry out of it. A ton of people on The Internet are trying to follow suit. Then, there are fans like me. As much as I love twitter, Professional Wrestling fans were never meant to receive “spoilers” every day.

This is NOT a “Back in my day…” thing. My eyes have changed too. However, I am focused more on WWE’s calendar when watching Stamford’s offering. If I think about wrestling. it’s very simple. My suspension of disbelief is gone for very few performers. In fact, I would say it’s gone for most fans. If we know it’s a work, why are scripts and outcomes still based on the assumption that we don’t? If I have seen a gimmick before, I am VERY hard to impress. Make me believe you can beat somebody; and stand out doing so, or I will chew you up and spit you the Hell out.

For those who say I should keep my mouth shut because I can’t perform and never have, I DON’T CARE! Saint Dave gets a pass, and y’all still watch the current product like his lap dogs and clones, despite “knowing’ the outcome? I don’t watch for the outcome anymore. Based on character development and pushes, I can see that coming. Call me a hypocrite and I will play 20 Questions with you. Can you get me to the finish line without looking like an idiot or a laughable copy of someone else?

Su Yung is 5’6’’ish. Marks and sheep world wide are transfixed and petrified? Make up aside, why? She is impersonating three legends with no unique move set and doing it very badly. Without her zombies, can she beat anybody? Mr. Calloway used druids. He was 6’10’’ and did not need them to kick your ass. Mick Foley put himself and you through HELL before using The Mandible Claw. You had no choice but to take it. The Great Muta was arguably the best Rising Sun performer of all time. He had a move set most American fans had never seen before. The Mist was believable in his hands because audience and opponent were spinning trying to keep up with him. Where is Su Yung’s Mysticism? As much as fans love her, there are no OMG moments in her matches, and her gimmick is predicated on them.

She is far from the only example. Twitter went crazy about a month ago because a top name on the indies put something in her opponent’s mouth during a match. Outside of a prison fight, when would this EVER HAPPEN? Why is this necessary? If this is a work, why would any girl allow someone to do this? Tell me why either woman gets hired again without the parrot response? Same question applies to Joseph. Dude ain’t pickin’ up anybody like that in real life. I dare him to pick my wheelchair up with his finish. He would be in traction.

Tony Schiavone is our crazy wrestling fan uncle. Our memories of him when we were kids and teenagers all ROCK! He is without question one of the best to ever call the action. God Bless Conrad Flair for bringing him back to the art form. Among other fun stuff, he now does commentary for MLW. With tongue firmly planted in cheek; I must say, I have a slight problem with him. I understand that it is his job. He continues to put MJF over because?? I get the gimmick. It’s just OLD! He is ripping off The Miz. One look at him, and you can see that. “I have more money than you.” So did DiBiase. And if you did, you wouldn’t need the $50.00 a night you made before Tony started calling your matches because you’d be paying him. Just wait until Mike retires before you go to New York.

Finally, we arrive at the biggest tent. Vinnie’s circus was on The West Coast in The House of Hot Rod & Billy Jack Haynes. Sheep under 25 are now asking a three-worded question. The only help you’ll get from me is to say that he may have been the father of Modern Independent Wrestling. Sometimes, it wasn’t his choice, and he is still fighting demons today.

Back to this week. Didn’t Spinal Tap all stand in the Center Ring around a month ago and do a babyface promo? “It’s our fault. We’ll do better for you. This is YOUR product.” First, I believe Stephanie as a babyface as much as I believe Saint Richard as a babyface. Shut up and go home as a shoot. Second, as big a moron as Vince is, he’s NOT leaving the person carrying the big top out of WrestleMania! Outside of the obvious, Becky’s leg is a work. SHE WAS LIMPING ON THE WRONG ONE ON MONDAY! Seth Rollins is hurt as a shoot. He WASN’T at Monday Night Raw. If Becky wasn’t cleared, she wouldn’t be on either show. So WHY is everybody going apes*** over this?

Sometimes, I can’t tell which group is Spinal Tap?

Is it the group on stage or the sheep who believe what they’re watching? I truly wish this art form was treated more like real competition.


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