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CheapShots: We Shouldn’t Do This on An Empty Stomach

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New Day WWE Smackdown
Cheap Shots are unfiltered, uncensored opinions, and those opinions reflect only the author!

I was stuck in customs at Heathrow Monday afternoon. Brits have no clue what to make of a mechanical ass! Found a quick transport to O2 and a good bottle of scotch. Didn’t have time for Big Ben or Buckingham Palace. My body clock’s all kinds of screwed up. I was supposed to meet Regal at an English Pub for a crash course in British history of the art form. Agents from Scotland Yard made it impossible. Did I mention I hate metal detectors? Delays meant missing out on Monday Night Raw. I was able to make SmackDown Live. Gotta be quick. This is London. Not Canada, but it’s still its own shade of weird. Tip the bottle of scotch back and come along wankers!

We’re gonna do this in reverse because most of the promos led to interesting happenings and made sense. Start with Rene Young in the ring, calling out Daniel Bryan. Bless The Union Jack Crowd for literally hijacking this segment. She was trying to ask him questions about last week’s loss in his Money in The Bank Qualifier, and his emotional mindset. The crowd was so wired, Daniel had to take a mic and cut a solo promo to help her out. “…FEEL THAT!” Upon reflection, he said that happiness was adrenalizing his comeback and the loss brought him back to a competitive baseline. What is this? A logical athletic response from writers in WWE?  I’m shocked!

Unfortunately, this brought out Big Cass, cutting his typical obnoxious “I’m bigger than you” promo. Cass said the only reason he tapped out so fast at Backlash was, so he could get right to his feet and keep beating Daniel up. This side of the coin was only exposed briefly. Once it was flipped, the big man was involved with a wasp stinging the s*** out of him! Bryan went right after Cass’s vulnerable knee. First, wrapping it around the second steel cable and taking him to the mat. Then, putting him in a devastating heel hook. This forced Cass to tap. It didn’t matter. The only refs involved were trying to pull them apart. Good luck with that! Was Vince high last night?

Welcome to A Moonwalk better then the Fake Wrestler from Staten Island. Don’t worry, I’ll get to her too. AJ Styles and Shinsuke Nakamura cut opposing promos regarding their Main Event Tuesday night. Yes, it was a “give a PPV Match for free” kinda thing. However, this one had a purpose. Who are you and what have you done with Vince McMahon? The winner of this English Explosion got to pick the stipulation for their MITB Showdown and The Con Artist’s next shot at WWE Championship Gold. Surprisingly, the match itself had no actual nut shots but was still intense. These gentlemen have such an athletic connection that it was impossible for me to predict the outcome. Nakamura is so good at using his legs and his movement, it is almost pointless to watch the rest of him when he is within striking distance of an opponent. For A Stamford encounter, there were counters everywhere. Styles nearly jumped into the ref, allowing Nakamura to feign taking a low blow. This led to a second successful Kinshasha, and a Styles loss. The Artist Formerly Known as can now pick the match he wants at Money in The Bank

There was a unique twist in the next MITB Qualifier. Unique is a dinosaur in Stamford. The match was of the tag team variety. Though, only one member of the winning team could take part in The Name Sake match in The Windy City. Combatants: The New Day & The Bar. Miz was on commentary here. Why not? Mike will never be a baby face in my eyes. However, most sheep could see him as a tweener very soon. He suggested this single opportunity could lead to the breakup of The Modern Free Birds, I could see this possibility. Dammit, why is Mike sounding smart? Did somebody spike catering? Anyway, Xavier Woods is improving his skills in the ring. The shoot Brainiac scored the pin with an elbow from the top rope, making a path toward Singles Gold for one member of his team. As of writing this, we have no idea who will fill that spot.

Apparently, Paige’s retirement has turned the remaining members of Absolute Yawn into high school students. Don’t they know Little Miss Math Class is on RAW? This was the first of our GM’s two segments. Corey Graves’ Crush thought she was being handed an invitation for The Women’s MITB Match. Paige said both ladies would be given a chance to enter the contest in Chicago. The Jock thought that translated into a handicap match against Becky Lynch. Paige said no. The match would be a triple threat. Naturally, the individualistic goal attached to this match made it impractical to think the teammates could stick together. Mandy Rose knocked Sonya Deville from a pin and took The Disarmer for the loss, Those Predicting a losing streak for The Lass Kicker were wrong! My refusal to connect Carmella to anything related to wrestling enables me to drop this tidbit here. Since Miss No Revolution is just holding a belt, she needs another Mellabration because The Real Vince McMahon is an asshole. Thankfully, Paige put us out of our misery. Coming out to say Blondie Circus must defend SmackDown Women’s Gold at the PPV. Her opponent is The Rising Sun Mystic, Asuka. Vinnie’s Circus is hot shotting the s*** out of a PPV in JUNE! They must be careful coming out of it.

Be patient, I’ve got one glass left for four promos. Smart marks and sheep alike finally saw The Main Roster debut of Andrade “Cien” Almas and Zelina Vega. This was a squash. I don’t know much about The Former NXT Champion’s move set. He uses a running double-knee from corner to corner that looks like it can knock anybody out. His finish is a Hammer Lock DDT. My apologies Senior, no one else is The Snake! Let’s have some fun! I believe Ms. Vega comes to us with in-ring experience from Puerto Rico. I can tell you that she has an incredible look. She could probably cut an old-school heel promo in a blink. Fabulous mic skills. I can’t wait to see more of her!

Samoa Joe cut a random promo on Big Cass. Someone please wake me up when he does more than that. Cut backstage where Aiden English has a room full of merch to help his partner celebrate Rusev Day. The Songbird goes to hit his tagline when Lana cuts in. The Ravishing Russian has some interesting information. The Sexy Goth Chick put her in A Money in The Bank Qualifier versus Billie Kay! I’m partially torn because I am a big fan of all three of these ladies. The tear is shallow thanks to me knowing there is no way in Hell Lana is winning this match. The IIconics cut a great cell phone promo in response to this opportunity. I am slightly intrigued to see how this plays out. I am genuinely hopeful Vince is respectful of the statuesque Blonde. Not sure how much of this is the flowing spirit talking. I should sleep this off before flying the jet back to New York.


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CheapShots: Impact Quickie #8

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Mean Sami Callihan
Cheap Shots are unfiltered, uncensored opinions, and those opinions reflect only the author!

Apologies in advance, the robots are in the shop. My readers are stuck with my cynical joy of the art form for a while. Why are current promotions obsessed with dead horses? Smart marks might wonder why bookers with decades of alleged experience in terms of planning this stuff out look like third graders sometimes? Unfortunately, wrestling fans are stuck with storyboards from the mind of Forrest Gump instead of Picasso after the crayons have already been used. Crayons can be impossible to erase. “Stupid is as stupid does.” Do us a favor. QUIT doing stupid! Some of us are getting sick of: “Don’t like it, don’t watch” logic. It’s lazy, and all it has done is create fans like me that are constantly angry. Boys and girls, we should not feel like we are better qualified to do this job. Guess what? Some of us are actually that insane, and it’s YOUR FAULT! “Come on Booker Man!” Prove us wrong or get out!

Sadly, Impact is the biggest bastard child left in The American Carnival on the outskirts of The Last Great Circus. Outside the orbits of two or three PPVs a year, they don’t take themselves seriously at all. This makes it excessively difficult for marks to swim against the current. Nobody cares, it’s just a carnival, right? Keep this in mind as this week’s show opens with a deadpan Josh Matthews standing in studio bringing us news and footage of a recent attack on one of the newest additions to the company, GASP! Wait, less than a month ago this goofy prick was literally gifted Impact Gold and doing jumping jacks in a “match” with a world class athlete. Now we’re supposed to believe that he cares about his coworkers? Anybody else see the disconnect here? It’s okay, it’s just a joke anyway.

Don Callis was to receive an award after an Impact event in Toronto. There just happened to be a hard camera there? This doesn’t end well. Cue Yakety Sax. I do not laugh at a bleeding man. However, a barely talented performer who has been working to gain sheepish sympathy for two weeks only to have his coin flipped to tails AGAIN gets laughed at for two hours. Why am I pulling my hair out for the entirety of the show? Sami Callihan turns Mr. Callis into a hospital patient, attacking him during the acceptance speech because wrestling. Third graders, crayolas, and construction paper, oh my!

I wonder what happens because of this prefabricated atrocity? Well, let’s see. Sami’s fate is “thrown into question” after the assault. Matthews must fake concern and act like athletes were competing in a Sunday Morning Church for three quarters of the show. Where’s the Daffy Duck shotgun when you need it? First, PLEASE break the fourth wall: Who are these people eating pizza and drinking beer while pretending to discuss this fake outrage? Next, why do we have to fire someone the week after we put someone in a coffin? Finally, if The Bad Mullet was gonna get fired, I can walk. My colleagues and I could come up with better material in a month. Of course, the “Unsanctioned Match” is coming because Eddie Edwards demands to get his pound of flesh. If there is legitimate concern regarding a performer’s future with the company, why are we bombarded with it for 90 minutes? Mention it at the show’s onset. Make sure the dude signed his non-compete clause and shut up. It’s not like they haven’t shoot fired someone in the last six weeks. PS: If a match is truly “unsanctioned” and raises legal concerns, why is Impact Wrestling showing it next week? Normally, I would break down results and provide opinion on the rest of the action. If those in Dallas and Orlando honestly think we are stupider than Stamford does, what’s the point? Why do I care about the art form so much?

 


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Who’s Next For Seth Rollins?

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WWE Seth Rollins Champion

Seth Rollins has had a great run since feuding with The Miz and Finn Balor for the Intercontinental Championship. Their match at Wrestlemania 34 where Rollins became the new IC champion was one of the best matches of the night. Rollins outdid himself again at The Greatest Royal Rumble in a ladder match where he beat The Miz, Samoa Joe, and Finn Balor. As he continues to prove himself as one of the best IC champions in a very long list of greats who is next for our favourite king slayer and who could he be facing leading up to the Money In The Bank PPV?

Finn Balor: This is an easy choice and I think everyone can agree that this feud is great for both superstar. Neither of them have been getting the attention they deserve this past year and both have been out of any title picture in a while. The IC title feud has breathed new life into both of them and the chemistry that comes off these guys when they are in the ring together is undeniable. This feud is also a chance for Finn to turn heel. There have been rumours that Finn was going to turn prior to Wrestlemania, but now that he has suffered a loss at a championship twice to Rollins it only makes sense that Finn turns heel. The turn has been slowly rearing it heads in Finn taking cheap shots at Rollins, but his full turn needs to be big and needs to be brutal we need to see Demon Finn without the face paint and just attack Rollins and go for gold again. 

Elias: Two words describe Elias’ main roster run overly over. Elias is so organically over I’m surprised he hasn’t even been in the Universal Champion conversation. He’s got it all! The looks, he has the most charismatic mic skill since The Miz, the heat from the crowd, and he’s great in the ring. Especially his matches against Seth Rollins. He has a brash, brutal, self preserving personality and brutality in the ring that is very reminiscent of heel Rollins. Just think of the matches these two could have when theres a title on the line. 

Baron Corbin: While people just seem to remember him as the guy that got screwed over cashing in his MITB contract by Cena and losing to Jinder Mahal, Corbin is a threat in the ring. He’s been trained on in the back as being the next “big guy” and been getting advice from a future HoFer big guy in Kane. So this creatively makes sense for him to go after the IC title. He’s been U.S. champ on Smackdown Live and while Corbin had some decent matches again AJ Styles, Dolph Ziggler and Kevin Owens. He has seemed to lose his standing in the main roster picture.  A feud with Rollins may help him get back into being that threatening “big guy” figure creative wants him to be. 

Sami Zayn: Sami needs a title run badly  He is an example of the WWE having so much main roster talent, but unable or unwilling to capitalize on all of it. Fans know he has the chops to be a champion, but for now he needs a feud to prove himself before he just becomes that annoying friend of Kevin Owens. Kevin Owens and Sami have come up together and battle one another, but their career paths couldn’t be more different. Owens has had numerous title runs and Sami has always fallen short. A feud with Rollins and  Owens supporting him would be a upgrade for Sami and you can bet the antics that Owens and Sami would pull on Rollins would get under his skin. 

Jason Jordan: Now before everyone loses their cool, just think about this feud for a minute. Jordan’s coming off an injury and prior to that was seeming to start turn heel on his one time tag partner Rollins. It makes sense that Jordan comes back and attack Rollins for getting ahead while he nursed an injury at home or he can slowly toy with Rollins and screw him over in matches before becoming a full on heel. 

These are the guys I think can bring the best storylines in and out of the ring to the Intercontinental championship and Seth Rollins. Making it the prestigious title that it has certainly become to be. 


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CheapShots: Can We Put This Greatest Royal Rumble ‘Outrage’ to Bed, Please?

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Cheap Shots are unfiltered, uncensored opinions, and those opinions reflect only the author!

Okay, I swore I wouldn’t write anything else about the Greatest Royal Rumble, because it’s like beating a dead horse, but since people are still griping about this and finding something about the event to stir up the outrage, here I am. This time it’s the rumor that Corey Graves is in some hot water for an Instagram post where he makes references to the Women’s Rights situation in Saudi Arabia.

Was what Graves said stupid, self-righteous, and smacking of a stereotypical American looking down at a foreign culture? Yes. Will he get fired for it? Probably not.  Was whoever made the error of showing female performers in costume in a country where such things are viewed VERY negatively doing it maliciously? I certainly hope not.

Let’s cut the crap here: WWE has been performing in the Middle East, including Saudi Arabia, for YEARS! It’s part of their spring and winter tour route. The Women’s Division has NEVER been included in that leg of the trip because it’s not been allowed until Sasha and Alexa were invited to perform in Abu Dhabi last year. No one has raised a fuss about it until WWE decided to sign this deal with Saudi Arabia. How do I know? Because a picture of Dean Ambrose in the airport in Jeddah, Saudi Arabia from 2015 was circulating around Twitter the day of the Greatest Royal Rumble and seemed to indicate that he would be part of the Greatest Royal Rumble. The owner of a fan news site that I’m friendly with, knowing that I’m a HUGE Dean Ambrose fan, DM’d me to warn me about the picture so that I wouldn’t get my hopes up and be upset and disappointed.

Also, the Greatest Royal Rumble wasn’t for WWE’s US audience, it was for the fans in the Middle East. Think about it, WWE did this show on a weekday, at a time when most US fans would be at work, but European and Middle Eastern fans would be able to watch at a reasonable time of day, instead of having to stay up until 12am or so like they do for WWE’s other PPVs. Yes, the promoted the heck out of it on RAW and SmackDown, but those shows also air all over the world. WWE wasn’t counting on a lot of US fans watching this, which is good since GRR had no effect on the ratings of RAW or SmackDown.

I don’t doubt that the people complaining about the GRR mean well with their concerns, but this sudden brouhaha over the WWE performing in Saudi Arabia and the Women’s Division not being included is selective outrage and it’s doing more harm than good. Women were allowed to watch the Greatest Royal Rumble in the stadium and the WWE Network is available in Saudi Arabia, so it’s likely that women DID see it.  It’s been rumored that WWE is going to pay the Women’s Division for the rumble, even though they didn’t work, which is nice, but seems more like a sop to fans since the women never compete when WWE goes to the Middle East and there’s never been a peep about them still getting paid.

Seriously guys, please knock off the outrage. It’s over and done and you’re not helping the situation by stirring it up.


Always Use Your Head and visit the official Pro Wrestling Tees store for The Chairshot All t-shirt proceeds help support the advancement of your favorite hard-hitting wrestling website, The Chairshot!


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