Cheap Shots are unfiltered, uncensored opinions, and those opinions reflect only the author!
I was stuck in customs at Heathrow Monday afternoon. Brits have no clue what to make of a mechanical ass! Found a quick transport to O2 and a good bottle of scotch. Didn’t have time for Big Ben or Buckingham Palace. My body clock’s all kinds of screwed up. I was supposed to meet Regal at an English Pub for a crash course in British history of the art form. Agents from Scotland Yard made it impossible. Did I mention I hate metal detectors? Delays meant missing out on Monday Night Raw. I was able to make SmackDown Live. Gotta be quick. This is London. Not Canada, but it’s still its own shade of weird. Tip the bottle of scotch back and come along wankers!
We’re gonna do this in reverse because most of the promos led to interesting happenings and made sense. Start with Rene Young in the ring, calling out Daniel Bryan. Bless The Union Jack Crowd for literally hijacking this segment. She was trying to ask him questions about last week’s loss in his Money in The Bank Qualifier, and his emotional mindset. The crowd was so wired, Daniel had to take a mic and cut a solo promo to help her out. “…FEEL THAT!” Upon reflection, he said that happiness was adrenalizing his comeback and the loss brought him back to a competitive baseline. What is this? A logical athletic response from writers in WWE? I’m shocked!
Unfortunately, this brought out Big Cass, cutting his typical obnoxious “I’m bigger than you” promo. Cass said the only reason he tapped out so fast at Backlash was, so he could get right to his feet and keep beating Daniel up. This side of the coin was only exposed briefly. Once it was flipped, the big man was involved with a wasp stinging the s*** out of him! Bryan went right after Cass’s vulnerable knee. First, wrapping it around the second steel cable and taking him to the mat. Then, putting him in a devastating heel hook. This forced Cass to tap. It didn’t matter. The only refs involved were trying to pull them apart. Good luck with that! Was Vince high last night?
Welcome to A Moonwalk better then the Fake Wrestler from Staten Island. Don’t worry, I’ll get to her too. AJ Styles and Shinsuke Nakamura cut opposing promos regarding their Main Event Tuesday night. Yes, it was a “give a PPV Match for free” kinda thing. However, this one had a purpose. Who are you and what have you done with Vince McMahon? The winner of this English Explosion got to pick the stipulation for their MITB Showdown and The Con Artist’s next shot at WWE Championship Gold. Surprisingly, the match itself had no actual nut shots but was still intense. These gentlemen have such an athletic connection that it was impossible for me to predict the outcome. Nakamura is so good at using his legs and his movement, it is almost pointless to watch the rest of him when he is within striking distance of an opponent. For A Stamford encounter, there were counters everywhere. Styles nearly jumped into the ref, allowing Nakamura to feign taking a low blow. This led to a second successful Kinshasha, and a Styles loss. The Artist Formerly Known as can now pick the match he wants at Money in The Bank
There was a unique twist in the next MITB Qualifier. Unique is a dinosaur in Stamford. The match was of the tag team variety. Though, only one member of the winning team could take part in The Name Sake match in The Windy City. Combatants: The New Day & The Bar. Miz was on commentary here. Why not? Mike will never be a baby face in my eyes. However, most sheep could see him as a tweener very soon. He suggested this single opportunity could lead to the breakup of The Modern Free Birds, I could see this possibility. Dammit, why is Mike sounding smart? Did somebody spike catering? Anyway, Xavier Woods is improving his skills in the ring. The shoot Brainiac scored the pin with an elbow from the top rope, making a path toward Singles Gold for one member of his team. As of writing this, we have no idea who will fill that spot.
Apparently, Paige’s retirement has turned the remaining members of Absolute Yawn into high school students. Don’t they know Little Miss Math Class is on RAW? This was the first of our GM’s two segments. Corey Graves’ Crush thought she was being handed an invitation for The Women’s MITB Match. Paige said both ladies would be given a chance to enter the contest in Chicago. The Jock thought that translated into a handicap match against Becky Lynch. Paige said no. The match would be a triple threat. Naturally, the individualistic goal attached to this match made it impractical to think the teammates could stick together. Mandy Rose knocked Sonya Deville from a pin and took The Disarmer for the loss, Those Predicting a losing streak for The Lass Kicker were wrong! My refusal to connect Carmella to anything related to wrestling enables me to drop this tidbit here. Since Miss No Revolution is just holding a belt, she needs another Mellabration because The Real Vince McMahon is an asshole. Thankfully, Paige put us out of our misery. Coming out to say Blondie Circus must defend SmackDown Women’s Gold at the PPV. Her opponent is The Rising Sun Mystic, Asuka. Vinnie’s Circus is hot shotting the s*** out of a PPV in JUNE! They must be careful coming out of it.
Be patient, I’ve got one glass left for four promos. Smart marks and sheep alike finally saw The Main Roster debut of Andrade “Cien” Almas and Zelina Vega. This was a squash. I don’t know much about The Former NXT Champion’s move set. He uses a running double-knee from corner to corner that looks like it can knock anybody out. His finish is a Hammer Lock DDT. My apologies Senior, no one else is The Snake! Let’s have some fun! I believe Ms. Vega comes to us with in-ring experience from Puerto Rico. I can tell you that she has an incredible look. She could probably cut an old-school heel promo in a blink. Fabulous mic skills. I can’t wait to see more of her!
Samoa Joe cut a random promo on Big Cass. Someone please wake me up when he does more than that. Cut backstage where Aiden English has a room full of merch to help his partner celebrate Rusev Day. The Songbird goes to hit his tagline when Lana cuts in. The Ravishing Russian has some interesting information. The Sexy Goth Chick put her in A Money in The Bank Qualifier versus Billie Kay! I’m partially torn because I am a big fan of all three of these ladies. The tear is shallow thanks to me knowing there is no way in Hell Lana is winning this match. The IIconics cut a great cell phone promo in response to this opportunity. I am slightly intrigued to see how this plays out. I am genuinely hopeful Vince is respectful of the statuesque Blonde. Not sure how much of this is the flowing spirit talking. I should sleep this off before flying the jet back to New York.
Mad Man’s Spinal Tap & 20 Questions
Back to back weeks we see the Mad Man come to play in our sandbox. Does this article go to 11? Are the retread concepts, just hollow nowadays?
Back to back weeks we see the Mad Man come to play in our sandbox! Does this article go to 11?
When you have decades of experience watching the art form, your eyes and thought processes change. It’s the reason my colleagues can break down pending news and angles we haven’t seen yet. Mr. Meltzer made a cottage industry out of it. A ton of people on The Internet are trying to follow suit. Then, there are fans like me. As much as I love twitter, Professional Wrestling fans were never meant to receive “spoilers” every day.
This is NOT a “Back in my day…” thing. My eyes have changed too. However, I am focused more on WWE’s calendar when watching Stamford’s offering. If I think about wrestling. it’s very simple. My suspension of disbelief is gone for very few performers. In fact, I would say it’s gone for most fans. If we know it’s a work, why are scripts and outcomes still based on the assumption that we don’t? If I have seen a gimmick before, I am VERY hard to impress. Make me believe you can beat somebody; and stand out doing so, or I will chew you up and spit you the Hell out.
For those who say I should keep my mouth shut because I can’t perform and never have, I DON’T CARE! Saint Dave gets a pass, and y’all still watch the current product like his lap dogs and clones, despite “knowing’ the outcome? I don’t watch for the outcome anymore. Based on character development and pushes, I can see that coming. Call me a hypocrite and I will play 20 Questions with you. Can you get me to the finish line without looking like an idiot or a laughable copy of someone else?
Su Yung is 5’6’’ish. Marks and sheep world wide are transfixed and petrified? Make up aside, why? She is impersonating three legends with no unique move set and doing it very badly. Without her zombies, can she beat anybody? Mr. Calloway used druids. He was 6’10’’ and did not need them to kick your ass. Mick Foley put himself and you through HELL before using The Mandible Claw. You had no choice but to take it. The Great Muta was arguably the best Rising Sun performer of all time. He had a move set most American fans had never seen before. The Mist was believable in his hands because audience and opponent were spinning trying to keep up with him. Where is Su Yung’s Mysticism? As much as fans love her, there are no OMG moments in her matches, and her gimmick is predicated on them.
She is far from the only example. Twitter went crazy about a month ago because a top name on the indies put something in her opponent’s mouth during a match. Outside of a prison fight, when would this EVER HAPPEN? Why is this necessary? If this is a work, why would any girl allow someone to do this? Tell me why either woman gets hired again without the parrot response? Same question applies to Joseph. Dude ain’t pickin’ up anybody like that in real life. I dare him to pick my wheelchair up with his finish. He would be in traction.
Tony Schiavone is our crazy wrestling fan uncle. Our memories of him when we were kids and teenagers all ROCK! He is without question one of the best to ever call the action. God Bless Conrad Flair for bringing him back to the art form. Among other fun stuff, he now does commentary for MLW. With tongue firmly planted in cheek; I must say, I have a slight problem with him. I understand that it is his job. He continues to put MJF over because?? I get the gimmick. It’s just OLD! He is ripping off The Miz. One look at him, and you can see that. “I have more money than you.” So did DiBiase. And if you did, you wouldn’t need the $50.00 a night you made before Tony started calling your matches because you’d be paying him. Just wait until Mike retires before you go to New York.
Finally, we arrive at the biggest tent. Vinnie’s circus was on The West Coast in The House of Hot Rod & Billy Jack Haynes. Sheep under 25 are now asking a three-worded question. The only help you’ll get from me is to say that he may have been the father of Modern Independent Wrestling. Sometimes, it wasn’t his choice, and he is still fighting demons today.
Back to this week. Didn’t Spinal Tap all stand in the Center Ring around a month ago and do a babyface promo? “It’s our fault. We’ll do better for you. This is YOUR product.” First, I believe Stephanie as a babyface as much as I believe Saint Richard as a babyface. Shut up and go home as a shoot. Second, as big a moron as Vince is, he’s NOT leaving the person carrying the big top out of WrestleMania! Outside of the obvious, Becky’s leg is a work. SHE WAS LIMPING ON THE WRONG ONE ON MONDAY! Seth Rollins is hurt as a shoot. He WASN’T at Monday Night Raw. If Becky wasn’t cleared, she wouldn’t be on either show. So WHY is everybody going apes*** over this?
Sometimes, I can’t tell which group is Spinal Tap?
Is it the group on stage or the sheep who believe what they’re watching? I truly wish this art form was treated more like real competition.
Mad Man’s Consequences Of Sainthood
Does the lineage of Saint Ric need no explanation?
It’s been a while since Mad Man has landed his Sea Duck in our waters. He has a Flair for gold and the bold! Let’s see where this goes.
Let’s see if I remember how to do this. The Internet Wrestling Community has not seen this from me in months. Something BIG had to happen to get me out of hiding.
I’d say this week at Vinnie’s Circus certainly qualifies. If you’re expecting me to wax poetic about the dudes, take some Nyquil and go back to sleep. The Royal Rumble is both brilliant and flawed at the same time. And yes, it is about effing time the ladies got their shot to steal the show. Although, it can be quite successfully argued, they do so on a nightly basis already. All did a fabulous job last year. Including my girl; Lady Banks, going well past an hour over two nights. Drawing The Shawn Michaels Slot at #1, And then, making a beeline to the ring for a nose-to-nose promo with The Female Muta, Asuka.
The Female Dragon had two words echoing through Philadelphia to kick off Monday Night: “I’M READY!” Those who saw the full confrontation know she was. Who was her opposition in the desert again? The thought of The Rumble being flawed is not new. Especially when its ultimate goal is taken into account. Win the damn thing and Main Event The Showcase of The Immortals! Wait, what did I just say? Back to that shortly.
Blemishes in the execution of this concept make their first appearance innocently enough. The victor in this contest is not based on who participates in it. The Champions headed into WrestleMania dictate the finish. What results from algebra like this? Simple, in most years over 80% of the field is background noise. Most of the time, smarks and sheep alike have a pretty good idea who’s headed to Mania. Overwhelmingly, we don’t mind as long as we get a great match. This changes when the feminine equivalent of Mike Tyson shows up on Vinnie’s doorstep, signs a convoluted contract, and just might bail after the biggest show of the year. Storyline and logic; what little there is in this art form we love, take a beating when Vinnie says Tyson MUST face Holyfield before she runs off to have kids and turn into Brock Lesnar.
What the Hell does he do with the Female Connor McGregor?
The BEST organic baby face in the industry this decade. He turned into Helen Keller on Monday Night. No, you little prick! I am in the wheelchair. You are not disabled! Did he see or feel the crowd in Phoenix? I certainly did. In fact, my neighbors knocked on my apartment door to ask if I was alright. That’s how loud I was. Vince, you haven’t had an honest crowd reaction like that in 20 years, and you wanna pollute it? “Jesus, she wasn’t supposed to be here. You mean these fans AREN’T sheep?” Don’t worry Vince, they’re still sheep and this is still all about Flair and McMahon, DAMMIT! For those laughing at me and saying it’s a work; guess what? It doesn’t have to feel like a work!
I started feeling like something was different about Professional Wrestling in the late ‘80s, when nobody could kick Ric Flair’s ass and get rid of him. First switch of NWA Gold I remember? Ronnie Garvin taking out Flair in Detroit, 1988. As an eight-year-old, I was hardly thinking about math. Why does this matter? Garvin had The Gold six weeks. He had one Title Defense at the end of that window, against Ric Flair. Guess who won? Everybody does cartwheels over his trilogy with The Dragon in 1989, not me. Don’t get me wrong, phenomenal matches, but Ric Flair was always walking out with Championship Gold. Hey Ric, the art itself was a work. Why show us The Gold was too? Spanning from 1984 and Kerry Von Erich to 1993 And Barry Windham, Ric Flair was GIVEN no less than five runs with NWA Gold or its equal because he was Saint Richard Flair isn’t the only idiot in the modern art. During his last holy act with Ricky Steamboat, Vincent Kennedy McMahon walks into a New Jersey courtroom and gigs the business hard way. Exposing it simply because he doesn’t wanna pay taxes on an authentic sporting event. Excuse every child under ten at the time? THANKS VINCE!
Two years later, WWF Gold was held up. How does he deal with this? First, let’s bring Ric Flair in because those in charge of WCW were absolute MORONS! Wait, Vinnie can’t have Hulk Hogan pinned in 1992. “It’s okay, we’ll put Gold on the line at The Royal Rumble. Winner gets The Strap!” Awesome, a boatload of great performers! Did ANYBODY really think Ric Flair wasn’t winning this match? HELL, Hogan pulled Sid Justice out from the floor! At least Flair won in 1992. Flash forward almost three decades. If the concept is, “Winner gets choice of Champion at WrestleMania” Why is Sid Justice going to Main Event Mania FROM THE FLOOR? Hey ass****, if you NEED Tyson/Holyfield, do the Bret/Luger finish! Becky WON the match! Here’s an idea, every televised event from here to Mania is held in an empty arena until we are given a collective Heimlich Maneuver to expel Ashley from our systems. The WWE Universe would never do this because sheep love this circus. If this stands, The Women’s Royal Rumble has jumped the shark just two years in. Vince, we know it’s a work.
Why must you insist on making it THIS! Give Asuka to Ashley. You don’t need to verify Charlotte Flair’s Sainthood. Sasha Banks has seen it three times.