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Impact Quickie #7

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Su Yung IMPACT Wrestling crowd
Cheap Shots are unfiltered, uncensored opinions, and those opinions reflect only the author!

The boys and I are fully charged and ready as the feed comes in from Orlando. There is a bit of everything this week. Your author may need a shrink’s couch by the time he’s done here. Until then, let’s have a good time. This week’s Impact Wrestling starts with Eli Drake headed to the ring holding his Tag Team Championship in one hand and the remaining briefcase in the other. He says that Scott Steiner is off this week taking steroids and getting taken care of. While cutting his typical heel promo and making fun of The World Champion’s catch phrase, The Self-Induced Hyphen flat out tells everyone when he will cash in his opportunity for The Impact World Championship. His chance will come next week. This impending challenge brings Pentagon Jr. to the ring. The proud representative of Lucha Underground hasn’t said much in The States. He doesn’t need to: “Cero Miedo!” LET’S GO!

It felt like three promos were sandwiched together strangely. The first of these just needed a single camera shot with no sound to elicit a simultaneous one-word scream from the robots, “WHY?” Hold on you two, it gets worse from here. No need to fry your circuits early. Their guttural reaction came from seeing Joseph Park back with his stupid lawyer gimmick talking to the only guy who has been presented as more helpless than him in Impact Wrestling history. There is a reason I’m being gender-specific here. You’ll find out what that is later. Meanwhile, someone in Orlando decided to bring Grado back. Although, he says that he is married now. When Park asks him to produce a photo of his wife, he is unable. PC Little Dragon’s request is simple: “They better bring a decent Knockout in to make this watchable.” I agree.

Cut to Moose being interviewed backstage. He is asked to reinforce his stance on being called “Mr. Impact Wrestling.” As expected, he relates it back to being in The NFL and says he must live up to his promise made when the calendar flipped to 2018. What’s not expected? Jimmy Jacobs saunters up to the mic, asking why Moose would want “Impact” in his name since the last performer with that distinction was destroyed by his Giant Stutter. Unafraid of competition, Moose picks up The Dragged-Out Disco by his jacket, telling The New Monster to bring his big ass next week! This could be FUN!

Don’t worry, the next segment led to something in the ring. Even though it wouldn’t start there. We find one of our newest Knockouts cutting a promo saying her Redemption might be late, but it is still coming. Unfortunately, Kiera Hogan is interrupted. Despite the rumors, we didn’t recognize the intruder until she was a good bit through her unrequested introduction. She mentioned something about being “A Total Package.” Was it really HER? YES MA’AM! This is the second authentic “Horse Woman” in a major promotion in the US. This is Tessa Blanchard! “Tessa, I think your Daddy would tell you not to borrow anything from Luger!” AI Hercules said. Hogan’s rematch with Taya Valkyrie was thrown out when Tully’s Daughter jumped in the ring to make a physical statement. She is no rookie. She is in great shape, and she is HERE!

We need to come down from that. How do we do it? With OVE taking on the strange pairing of KM & Fallah Bahh. The Ohio Funhouse was without their backup. Quick aside: Sami Callahan is still out of commission. Tommy Dreamer was seen bailing Eddie Edwards out of jail while attempting to counsel him in a later video. Little Dragon asks: “Can they just end this storyline already?” Laughing, I shake my head and tell him this is wrestling, and they will probably drag it out another month. Back to the tag match. The Odd Couple had early success throwing their weight around, but the twosome lost when Fallah missed a corner splash and got rolled up with a schoolboy for the pin.

Next, they go from tape to tape. First, a quick refresher on the unique everything that is Brian Cage. Then, Impact ships us to Australia. Why not? The Machine has a showcase match Down Under. He is in there with FOUR dudes! AI Hercules smirks: “Who are these glorified dumb bells?” Don Callis; who is quickly growing on me, said that athletes like Cage use matches like this to test themselves and get a workout. After having his fun, Cage destroys an opponent with his spinning lariat and driver. Both maneuvers have the word “Claw” in their description. Callis actually called his lariat “The Tornado Claw.” YES SIR! If I didn’t know better, I’d say there is a young performer who respects history! Indulge me a moment. If my readers could send prayers out to The Islands, they would be appreciated. There was a massive earthquake in Hawaii recently. Kevin Von Erich and his family live out there. Please send positive vibes Aloha Way. The Islands need them, Thanks!

Back to programming. Please forgive us, Sometimes, neither me or my robot friends know how to describe Cruiserweight/X Division matches. Don’t misunderstand us; Impact does a MUCH better job presenting these athletes than New York, and we love watching them. Little Dragon has a question though: “What hurts? I don’t wanna sound like Cornette, but it does come across like a spot fest with six guys dancing…Rosa might kill me for saying that. But her stuff LOOKS like it hurts!” Seriously, there were three memorable spots in the 6-Man Lucha Rules Match, and two of them were gymnastics. The other was A Rockersesque Flying Double Dropkick that WASN’T the finish! Looked great, sounded better. Keep going?? Ishimori took his shot at X Division Gold so seriously that he is now in Japan as a member of The Bullet Club. It’s beautiful to watch, but the logic is maddening. Can someone get me off the couch?

Better yet, I’ll just stay here and unplug the robots for the final segment, WATCH THIS! Su Yung is not a wrestler. She is portrayed as a weightlifting mime with mind control over six girls. She has ONE MOVE plus red mist and asks to be taken seriously? Get off the PCP and come down here young lady. Once again, I’m aware that I am not the measuring stick. That’s not the point. Mark Calloway kicks ass and does not appear helpless alone. She is NOT The Female Undertaker. It is not the mist either. The Great Muta could kick asses around the world for decades. So can Rosemary herself. No one laughs at her mist. All the indie sheep in the world screaming your name, singing your praises FOR THIS?? Pardon me, if six girls do 75% of your work, why is Impact paying you? What reason is there to suspend our disbelief? Your makeup? A wrestling ring? Sorry, no one believes that a walking B movie buried a top draw. You didn’t bury anybody. If the goal is to bring new fans in and not have outsiders laugh at us for loving professional wrestling, then you fail. Impact brought you in as a human hotshot, and they suck for doing so. They did succeed in one thing though. I finally have a good reason to respect Joey Ryan. Come on sheep, I’ll move Mt. Everest everyday over this one! Whatcha got? I sincerely hope the robots and I don’t throw up over next week’s episode of Impact. We can make no promises.


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Cheap Shots: Mad Man’s Testing Cheese in The Mouse’s House

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Gliding over The World’s Largest Golf Ball for SmackDown Live this week. I believe Orlando was nothing more than a spot show for Graham. In his infinite wisdom, Eric Bischoff used Universal Studios for WCW TV Tapings. What’s he getting paid for now? Doing a podcast? Big deal, a ton of my colleagues have podcasts, and they’re smarter than him. Dixie Carter’s TNA Wrestling reminds us that a talented roster cannot overcome a lack of inside knowledge. Impact Wrestling currently resides in the mouse’s zip code today. The latest effort from The New York Big Top wasn’t on a cheap PPV level. I have praised SmackDown Live as the better show for months. Others have done so for much longer. Instead, WWE hands us something between a glorified house show and a week early go home show for SummerSlam?

Let’s find out if Vince left Mickey ANYTHING interesting. Randy Orton has been on The Main Roster for a generation now. He does psychopath extremely well. Not all psychopaths talk though. Creative should be more careful with Randy. He needs a very focused promo, and reason to talk. They should’ve kept him on a singular path here, Jeff Hardy. A tunnel-visioned Viper is a more dangerous Viper. Randall Keith Orton is neither one of The Authors of Pain. Don’t give him a generic heel promo. We know he’s capable. Let Jeff Hardy continue to twist in agony. If you must give Orton a verbal point, do a better job writing it, and save it for after SummerSlam.

Recess started with a backstage promo which would be unnecessary if Vince didn’t book Triple Threats. The fracturing friendship angle is fine, if not required in the art form. However, can anyone pull it off without it feeling forced? Stamford sure can’t. Why were Charlotte and Becky apologizing like it was Middle School? Vinnie put both of you in the match. Break the fourth wall and get mad at him. The Lass Kicker struggled to hide building frustration. Anybody surprised with this? She’s Irish. They teased a possible tag match with The Dragon Huggers at Evolution? I EFFING HOPE NOT! Vince, get your head out of your ass. Unless it results in Sasha Banks being traded, put this mirrored storyline possibility on ice, since you can’t get it right on Monday! Sorry for the tangent. The Tuesday Besties went over The IIconics, who have hit a wall recently.

Here’s a crazy thought, WWE has approximately 14 ladies on The SmackDown Roster. What’s wrong with holding a storyline off TV for a week instead of repeating it? Give us the illusion that friends took a week to work things out without telling Aiden English he’ll be Ron Killings in a month or two. Lana is getting better in the ring, Let’s find another way to stunt her. Put Almas’ Mini Me over again and break up one of our most popular factions. My apologies, I must have hacked into Vince’s email.

Creative got too many compliments on proms last week. Dammit boys and girls, y’all can only rope the moon once every six months. They tried again anyway, bad move! Outside of The New Day; who can read Facebook and make it good. everything else was yawn inducing. Later, WWEs modern answer to The Free Birds went on to beat The Bar in another great TV Main Event.

Random Observation: if smart marks need proof promoters and bookers view Championship Gold as nothing more than a prop, look at R-Truth. Never mind New York’s original name for him. He was respected during his previous run in Orlando for Dixie Carter and TNA. He held Top Gold and was prominent there for a while. Why not? Dude is a fantastic athlete with good mic skills. Back in WWE, he is a glorified carpenter who cuts nonsense promos. I hope the paycheck is worth it, Sir? After setting up a match no one wanted, Truth lost to Shinsuke Nakamura in under ten minutes.

Sometimes, WWE looks dumber than usual in the age of social media. Can anyone tell me why they broke Mike’s match signing with Daniel Brian on Twitter? Did they have a reason? Does anybody really think Mike was on set? Vinnie, suspension of disbelief? Where is it? They could’ve rebooted Cena/Taker from Mania. They reboot storylines far less personal and more pointless. Yes, Daniel got to wail on Mike for a minute. Can’t we do better than to jump the gun so poorly on both fronts?

If Vince wants us to take one thing away from the Styles/Samoa Joe Angle, it is that Joe clearly has both the physical and psychological advantage heading into SummerSlam. Why does everything appear so lopsided though? Not saying The WWE Gold doesn’t fit Joe. If he can stay healthy, it most certainly does. Yes, Joe is a badass, but AJ Styles is capable of rock-solid heel work too. Ask The Con Artist and Big Match John. Hell, Samoa Joe himself knows Styles’ heel talent from elsewhere. It is disappointing the WWE might make fans wait months to see these two work up to their ability, if the trigger ever gets pulled correctly. Maybe by Hell in A Cell or Survivor Series? Given New York’s reputation among smart marks, I wouldn’t hold my breath. Speaking of which, if anyone did so on Tuesday waiting for a typical good show, I apologize. They got a glorified house show. Mickey Mouse deserves better cheese.


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CheapShots: Mad Man’s Panhandle Rush (WWE Raw)

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The penultimate stop on the Florida loop found the Cessna in the panhandle. One of the good things about the territory back in the day was proximity for travel. According to Kevin Sullivan and Austin Idol; Google them millennial nerds, it was common to work close enough to home that performers could sleep in their own beds most nights. If I am not mistaken, the original Free Bird nest of Jacksonville (music), was a regular weekend stop for Eddie Graham.

Vince’s latest offer started as 90% of them do. Someone is headed to the ring to cut a promo. This time it was RAW GM Kurt Angle and Stephanie McMahon’s watch dog, Constable Corbin. Angle proudly reminded us that one UFC Fighter would be making her TV Match Debut Monday night while openly taking shots at the other on the roster. Corbin’s prompted retort was met by Kurt saying he had to get this off his chest. Half-way through, Roman Reigns comes out because he can.

Eventually testosterone related to last week starts flowing between opposing forces. This leads Angle to make an opening match featuring Reigns vs. Corbin. In my opinion, the crowd was odd during this encounter. It felt like they needed 15 minutes to wake up. Strange when an audience doesn’t have a pulse, even a negative one. The match was physical and decent, though we have seen it before. Experienced watchers could tell Corbin was looking for an escape. He thought he found one, only to have Finn Balor cut him off. Corbin was forced back to the ring, where he took A Spear for the clean loss. After the bell, The 8-Pack Irishman took his turn; delivering a dropkick and Coup de Gras.
As a younger fan Vinnie’s circus did a much better job of keeping athletes apart unless it served as fuel for an angle. The locker room dustup between Bobby Roode and Mojo Rawley three weeks before a PPV would have led to squash matches featuring the two, or a tag match where they barely touched. He used to admonish agents and bookers: “Get the match in the ring.” Thanks to six hours of programming a week, now he says: “Get the match in the ring now. The PPVs are so cheap, they hardly matter.” This angle is the latest victim of that drug-induced logic. WWE will do their best to say it’s different in two weeks, even though Roode went over clean Monday night. Why does Stamford think smarks are clueless?

The very next segment saw our latest example of poor execution. I actually wanna see Elias take on Lashley. Vinnie forgot the Novocain to get me there. Heels don’t even worry about suspension of disbelief anymore. There is no album, Elias. Four tracks are barely a demo. WWE shot that ”documentary” to fill time on the network. No other reason. You don’t like the way it made you look? It’s scripted, talk to management. I don’t like you as a heel when the crowd wants to cheer you. I can’t do a damn thing about it. Speaking of “I can’t do anything about this:” Bobby Lashley was not brought back to New York because he could talk. Take the microphone OUT of his hand. Crickets come out whenever the man opens his mouth. The ending was plausible. Find a better way to get there. Proof WWE doesn’t care if I’m in pain watching; and, Sports Entertainment is total bulls***!

In another case of coin flip booking, Razar destroyed Titus because Apollo Crews beat Akam last week. Vince can’t get out of his own way. We saw this around a month ago. Even Less sheep wanted to watch this than hear Lashley cut a promo. We were stuck with both. Sorry folks, this was your weekly piss break

Back from the restroom. Smarks who hate Reigns, and their insider cousins are freaking out. It’s “The Kevin Owens Show.” Give The Fat Canadian a mic, and he can run down anyone in the art form. Like him or not, Owens is such a good heel that he manipulates other heels regularly. His latest pawn was Jinder Mahal. The Indian Brooklyn Brawler was his guest, but Owens wouldn’t let him speak. Eventually, the host mentioned Braun Strowman, and their contest for The MITB Briefcase at SummerSlam. Reminding us that if The Big Man loses, it doesn’t matter how. He loses his guaranteed shot at Gold. Mahal was roped into another match with The Monster Among Men just before the stage was flipped over! Why not? Unfortunately for the big man, he has been turned from human being to pit bull in an obnoxious game of fetch. Owens has stolen the briefcase twice. Forcing a count out last week and a DQ Monday. Anybody wanna punch Creative?

Cue the calliope. Earlier in the night, Seth Rollins went to GM Kurt Angle saying he was sick of being jumped by Ziggler & Galloway. Angle told him to find a partner. At this point, I could feel a colleague hoping like a Super Mark. Must wait again, sorry Brickyard. Though, even I thought they might set up an Ambrose swerve because they said he wouldn’t show up. Of course, Roman Reigns offered to help his brother out. However, Stephanie called Constable Corbin threatening to pull The Samoan Hype Machine from his showdown with The Beast at SummerSlam. SHUT UP VINCE! You have been shoving this match down our throats for years. Even after this, global smart marks fear you aren’t done with it. As for the match Monday, Rollins couldn’t find a partner. He fought hard but took the pin from Ziggler.

A tag team match was next. Participants: The Revival & our Tag Champs, The B-Team. Of course, Vince has an aversion to wrestling. “We MUST ‘entertain’ them, they’re sheep!” Match started off solid. Five minutes in; lights go out. Opposing partners have been torn off the apron and replaced by The Deleters of Worlds. Match got thrown out. Two reasons I despise Triple Threat Matches. First, wrestling companies have forgotten how to book longer programs and draw money. Second, the overwhelming majority of Triple Threats allow for weird finishes. Especially the way WWE books them. “Never mind we have 5 hours of TV to fill. Let’s throw everybody in and finish this in five minutes. Building to an outcome used to matter.

A double shot of recess to close Monday Night Raw this week. First up: The Dragon Huggers had to deal with The Riott Squad for consecutive weeks. Something had to be up, and it was. Despite Sasha & Bailey looking very good again, including a modified Power & Glory spot. Youtube it sheep, the heels went over when Ruby Riott did her best CM Punk impression. Go ahead weirdoes, freak out because I mentioned him. The Squad Leader dawned a gray hoodie long enough to slip through the audience. She got physical with The Human Elmo, and distracted Lady Banks so she would take the pin. Welcome back Ruby. Your girls haven’t mattered since February.

Whenever Hayes & Gordy’s Jacksonville namesake would close a Skynyrd concert, Ronnie and the boys would always ask: “What is it you wanna hear?” prior to hitting their opus’ first chord. Right now, Vinnie’s answer to “Free Bird” is Ronda Rousey. Rather appropriate then that The Baddest Woman on The Planet’s TV wrestling debut was in Skynyrd’s House. I think Michael would agree. Ronda’s first competition came in the form of Alicia Fox. She had length, experience, and zero chance Monday. Fox got some offense in, but Rousey overcame the distractions from Little Miss Math Class, got pissed, and tapped her opponent out in less than ten minutes. The champ tried to jump her afterward, epic fail! Ronda took the mic and cut a very solid promo. Has there ever been a long-term champion who looks more scared than Alexa Bliss? Good music in this show. We’re gonna find out if Mickey Mouse can Rock’N’Roll like that!


Always Use Your Head and visit the official Pro Wrestling Tees store for The Chairshot All t-shirt proceeds help support the advancement of your favorite hard-hitting wrestling website, The Chairshot!


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WWE EVOLUTION Is The Double Edged Sword

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Last week, Stephanie McMahon announced that the past, present and future of women’s wrestling would come together and create the first ever all women’s PPV called Evolution. To say that women’s wrestling has made strides from what were once called “toilet break” matches to women’s Royal Rumbles, Ladder Matches, and now their own PPV is something to be said about how women are being taken seriously in a sport that is based on machismo. 

Yet, while it shows that women wrestlers are now seen as equals to their male counter part, it also shows that the WWE is dividing women. Think of it this way, its just like the cruiser weights having 205 Live. Yes, it is great that the talented high flyers can show off their skills in their own show, but 205 has not made the impact that everyone thought it would after the Cruiserweight  Classic. They are never in matches with the rest are the main roster on Raw and Smackdown Live and are segregated. 

While the indie scene has done mixed matches (Candice LaRae being a prime example of this) . The WWE almost make it seem that they have rewritten history with Evolution, but women’s wrestlers were ahead of their times in the indies, it has been the WWE that has been playing “catch up” all these years. 

WWE Evolution isn’t a bad thing, it’s a great example of how far the WWE have come, but it also puts a syntax on the PPV. By creating a women’s only PPV it shows that women’s wrestling is being showcased, but it creates this undertone of questioning to fans and pro wrestling critics that women cannot stand out the way men do in wrestling so here is their own PPV to show case that. 

The PPVs announcement and lead up will be debated till October when all eyes are set on the production of what is to come. And while as a fan I am excited to see what the past, present and future, have to offer, there is also some dread as to what this really says about what the WWE thinks of women’s wrestling as a whole. 


Always Use Your Head and visit the official Pro Wrestling Tees store for The Chairshot All t-shirt proceeds help support the advancement of your favorite hard-hitting wrestling website, The Chairshot!


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