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Impact Quickie #7

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Su Yung IMPACT Wrestling crowd
Cheap Shots are unfiltered, uncensored opinions, and those opinions reflect only the author!

The boys and I are fully charged and ready as the feed comes in from Orlando. There is a bit of everything this week. Your author may need a shrink’s couch by the time he’s done here. Until then, let’s have a good time. This week’s Impact Wrestling starts with Eli Drake headed to the ring holding his Tag Team Championship in one hand and the remaining briefcase in the other. He says that Scott Steiner is off this week taking steroids and getting taken care of. While cutting his typical heel promo and making fun of The World Champion’s catch phrase, The Self-Induced Hyphen flat out tells everyone when he will cash in his opportunity for The Impact World Championship. His chance will come next week. This impending challenge brings Pentagon Jr. to the ring. The proud representative of Lucha Underground hasn’t said much in The States. He doesn’t need to: “Cero Miedo!” LET’S GO!

It felt like three promos were sandwiched together strangely. The first of these just needed a single camera shot with no sound to elicit a simultaneous one-word scream from the robots, “WHY?” Hold on you two, it gets worse from here. No need to fry your circuits early. Their guttural reaction came from seeing Joseph Park back with his stupid lawyer gimmick talking to the only guy who has been presented as more helpless than him in Impact Wrestling history. There is a reason I’m being gender-specific here. You’ll find out what that is later. Meanwhile, someone in Orlando decided to bring Grado back. Although, he says that he is married now. When Park asks him to produce a photo of his wife, he is unable. PC Little Dragon’s request is simple: “They better bring a decent Knockout in to make this watchable.” I agree.

Cut to Moose being interviewed backstage. He is asked to reinforce his stance on being called “Mr. Impact Wrestling.” As expected, he relates it back to being in The NFL and says he must live up to his promise made when the calendar flipped to 2018. What’s not expected? Jimmy Jacobs saunters up to the mic, asking why Moose would want “Impact” in his name since the last performer with that distinction was destroyed by his Giant Stutter. Unafraid of competition, Moose picks up The Dragged-Out Disco by his jacket, telling The New Monster to bring his big ass next week! This could be FUN!

Don’t worry, the next segment led to something in the ring. Even though it wouldn’t start there. We find one of our newest Knockouts cutting a promo saying her Redemption might be late, but it is still coming. Unfortunately, Kiera Hogan is interrupted. Despite the rumors, we didn’t recognize the intruder until she was a good bit through her unrequested introduction. She mentioned something about being “A Total Package.” Was it really HER? YES MA’AM! This is the second authentic “Horse Woman” in a major promotion in the US. This is Tessa Blanchard! “Tessa, I think your Daddy would tell you not to borrow anything from Luger!” AI Hercules said. Hogan’s rematch with Taya Valkyrie was thrown out when Tully’s Daughter jumped in the ring to make a physical statement. She is no rookie. She is in great shape, and she is HERE!

We need to come down from that. How do we do it? With OVE taking on the strange pairing of KM & Fallah Bahh. The Ohio Funhouse was without their backup. Quick aside: Sami Callahan is still out of commission. Tommy Dreamer was seen bailing Eddie Edwards out of jail while attempting to counsel him in a later video. Little Dragon asks: “Can they just end this storyline already?” Laughing, I shake my head and tell him this is wrestling, and they will probably drag it out another month. Back to the tag match. The Odd Couple had early success throwing their weight around, but the twosome lost when Fallah missed a corner splash and got rolled up with a schoolboy for the pin.

Next, they go from tape to tape. First, a quick refresher on the unique everything that is Brian Cage. Then, Impact ships us to Australia. Why not? The Machine has a showcase match Down Under. He is in there with FOUR dudes! AI Hercules smirks: “Who are these glorified dumb bells?” Don Callis; who is quickly growing on me, said that athletes like Cage use matches like this to test themselves and get a workout. After having his fun, Cage destroys an opponent with his spinning lariat and driver. Both maneuvers have the word “Claw” in their description. Callis actually called his lariat “The Tornado Claw.” YES SIR! If I didn’t know better, I’d say there is a young performer who respects history! Indulge me a moment. If my readers could send prayers out to The Islands, they would be appreciated. There was a massive earthquake in Hawaii recently. Kevin Von Erich and his family live out there. Please send positive vibes Aloha Way. The Islands need them, Thanks!

Back to programming. Please forgive us, Sometimes, neither me or my robot friends know how to describe Cruiserweight/X Division matches. Don’t misunderstand us; Impact does a MUCH better job presenting these athletes than New York, and we love watching them. Little Dragon has a question though: “What hurts? I don’t wanna sound like Cornette, but it does come across like a spot fest with six guys dancing…Rosa might kill me for saying that. But her stuff LOOKS like it hurts!” Seriously, there were three memorable spots in the 6-Man Lucha Rules Match, and two of them were gymnastics. The other was A Rockersesque Flying Double Dropkick that WASN’T the finish! Looked great, sounded better. Keep going?? Ishimori took his shot at X Division Gold so seriously that he is now in Japan as a member of The Bullet Club. It’s beautiful to watch, but the logic is maddening. Can someone get me off the couch?

Better yet, I’ll just stay here and unplug the robots for the final segment, WATCH THIS! Su Yung is not a wrestler. She is portrayed as a weightlifting mime with mind control over six girls. She has ONE MOVE plus red mist and asks to be taken seriously? Get off the PCP and come down here young lady. Once again, I’m aware that I am not the measuring stick. That’s not the point. Mark Calloway kicks ass and does not appear helpless alone. She is NOT The Female Undertaker. It is not the mist either. The Great Muta could kick asses around the world for decades. So can Rosemary herself. No one laughs at her mist. All the indie sheep in the world screaming your name, singing your praises FOR THIS?? Pardon me, if six girls do 75% of your work, why is Impact paying you? What reason is there to suspend our disbelief? Your makeup? A wrestling ring? Sorry, no one believes that a walking B movie buried a top draw. You didn’t bury anybody. If the goal is to bring new fans in and not have outsiders laugh at us for loving professional wrestling, then you fail. Impact brought you in as a human hotshot, and they suck for doing so. They did succeed in one thing though. I finally have a good reason to respect Joey Ryan. Come on sheep, I’ll move Mt. Everest everyday over this one! Whatcha got? I sincerely hope the robots and I don’t throw up over next week’s episode of Impact. We can make no promises.


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MadMan: She’s Handing Out Blues Better Than A Namesake Will

Madman decided to follow his blue dragon back towards the titans! Let’s see what black magic he weaves in this edition.

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Madman decided to follow his blue dragon back towards the titans! Let’s see what black magic he weaves in this edition.

I may not be in regular rotation, but when they give me a chair, I swing for my fences. As a decades-long consumer of the art, I don’t have many left. The only Home Runs WWE has placed within my scope, can be found in Women’s Division on both Monday Night Raw & SmackDown Live.

The year I began watching wrestling, some very interesting circumstances took place surrounding cable television. WTBS; (Atlanta), WAS the home of The NWA’s Jim Crockett Promotions. At least until “Black Saturday,” which ultimately saw Vinnie Jr. Hijack the famous 6:05 time slot. This nearly cause riots among cable viewers opposed to McMahon’s product and presentation.

Though the million dollar ransom The Crocketts paid to get their flagship spot back on the dial gave the head of Titan Sports the backbone to finance WrestleMania, which helped to wreck most of the territories. Hell, it can be argued somewhat convincingly upon its 30th Anniversary, Vince himself ruined his biggest display’s pristine intentions for two consecutive years with Lesnar beating the streak instead of Bray Wyatt; and, Sting losing his ONLY Mania match because someone else had the right bride on their marriage license.

Despite the objections of both smarks and sheep in certain cases, we must respect the history of this pop culture institution. IF WrestleMania is Woodstock, it is only appropriate that Tito Santana opened the show with a victory!

In recent years, there has been only one person on The Main Roster who has matched the swag of Santana’s initial accomplishment without even trying, and she wrestled in the last Mania Match I cared about. Finally got tired of giving fans The Blues. She’s ready to deal some out in the form of steel chairs and God knows what else.

“Cut Her talent LOOSE!” We kept screaming. “A REAL run with Gold, PLEASE?” Like a kid aching just before Christmas. As with Solis, she was a true pro, until the strangest thing I’ve ever seen in the modern art form washed over us.

Fans and insiders alike FORGOT about Social Media! Don’t get me wrong, it’s still here. Can’t get away from it. Hell, I’m doing a roll-in on the internet right now! If you’ve been fans of us long enough, you’ll realize that last sentence was not a botch! Seriously, this thing felt like the territories back in the day. No one knew a damn thing! Even some of those paid to know were flipping a coin every five minutes. Thanks for the constant stress, you ancient prick!

Come on folks. If you know my current wrestling HEART at all, you KNEW the last Chair Shot on her return was coming from her Super Mark in Middle America! When older dudes at this circus describe what true fandom is like; they’ll often say: “That’s bulls***, that’s bulls***, that’s bulls***, BUT THAT’S REAL!”

For her boatloads of fans and the woman herself, Christmas is here! The Stamford’s latest Blues enthusiast is very real, And WWE’s Black Magic Woman IS BACK! Line ’em up. they’re all falling. Charlotte & Ronda too. To The Man and those in charge of her Twitter Account, thanks for keeping the possibility top of mind when things first got weird. We never gave up, but you will! MISSED YOU LADY BANKS!


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Mad Man’s Spinal Tap & 20 Questions

Back to back weeks we see the Mad Man come to play in our sandbox. Does this article go to 11? Are the retread concepts, just hollow nowadays?

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Back to back weeks we see the Mad Man come to play in our sandbox! Does this article go to 11?

When you have decades of experience watching the art form, your eyes and thought processes change. It’s the reason my colleagues can break down pending news and angles we haven’t seen yet. Mr. Meltzer made a cottage industry out of it. A ton of people on The Internet are trying to follow suit. Then, there are fans like me. As much as I love twitter, Professional Wrestling fans were never meant to receive “spoilers” every day.

This is NOT a “Back in my day…” thing. My eyes have changed too. However, I am focused more on WWE’s calendar when watching Stamford’s offering. If I think about wrestling. it’s very simple. My suspension of disbelief is gone for very few performers. In fact, I would say it’s gone for most fans. If we know it’s a work, why are scripts and outcomes still based on the assumption that we don’t? If I have seen a gimmick before, I am VERY hard to impress. Make me believe you can beat somebody; and stand out doing so, or I will chew you up and spit you the Hell out.

For those who say I should keep my mouth shut because I can’t perform and never have, I DON’T CARE! Saint Dave gets a pass, and y’all still watch the current product like his lap dogs and clones, despite “knowing’ the outcome? I don’t watch for the outcome anymore. Based on character development and pushes, I can see that coming. Call me a hypocrite and I will play 20 Questions with you. Can you get me to the finish line without looking like an idiot or a laughable copy of someone else?

Su Yung is 5’6’’ish. Marks and sheep world wide are transfixed and petrified? Make up aside, why? She is impersonating three legends with no unique move set and doing it very badly. Without her zombies, can she beat anybody? Mr. Calloway used druids. He was 6’10’’ and did not need them to kick your ass. Mick Foley put himself and you through HELL before using The Mandible Claw. You had no choice but to take it. The Great Muta was arguably the best Rising Sun performer of all time. He had a move set most American fans had never seen before. The Mist was believable in his hands because audience and opponent were spinning trying to keep up with him. Where is Su Yung’s Mysticism? As much as fans love her, there are no OMG moments in her matches, and her gimmick is predicated on them.

She is far from the only example. Twitter went crazy about a month ago because a top name on the indies put something in her opponent’s mouth during a match. Outside of a prison fight, when would this EVER HAPPEN? Why is this necessary? If this is a work, why would any girl allow someone to do this? Tell me why either woman gets hired again without the parrot response? Same question applies to Joseph. Dude ain’t pickin’ up anybody like that in real life. I dare him to pick my wheelchair up with his finish. He would be in traction.

Tony Schiavone is our crazy wrestling fan uncle. Our memories of him when we were kids and teenagers all ROCK! He is without question one of the best to ever call the action. God Bless Conrad Flair for bringing him back to the art form. Among other fun stuff, he now does commentary for MLW. With tongue firmly planted in cheek; I must say, I have a slight problem with him. I understand that it is his job. He continues to put MJF over because?? I get the gimmick. It’s just OLD! He is ripping off The Miz. One look at him, and you can see that. “I have more money than you.” So did DiBiase. And if you did, you wouldn’t need the $50.00 a night you made before Tony started calling your matches because you’d be paying him. Just wait until Mike retires before you go to New York.

Finally, we arrive at the biggest tent. Vinnie’s circus was on The West Coast in The House of Hot Rod & Billy Jack Haynes. Sheep under 25 are now asking a three-worded question. The only help you’ll get from me is to say that he may have been the father of Modern Independent Wrestling. Sometimes, it wasn’t his choice, and he is still fighting demons today.

Back to this week. Didn’t Spinal Tap all stand in the Center Ring around a month ago and do a babyface promo? “It’s our fault. We’ll do better for you. This is YOUR product.” First, I believe Stephanie as a babyface as much as I believe Saint Richard as a babyface. Shut up and go home as a shoot. Second, as big a moron as Vince is, he’s NOT leaving the person carrying the big top out of WrestleMania! Outside of the obvious, Becky’s leg is a work. SHE WAS LIMPING ON THE WRONG ONE ON MONDAY! Seth Rollins is hurt as a shoot. He WASN’T at Monday Night Raw. If Becky wasn’t cleared, she wouldn’t be on either show. So WHY is everybody going apes*** over this?

Sometimes, I can’t tell which group is Spinal Tap?

Is it the group on stage or the sheep who believe what they’re watching? I truly wish this art form was treated more like real competition.


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