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CheapShots: Impact Quickie #11

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Roughly once a quarter, those in Orlando put work into a wrestling-centric Television Special to help accelerate storylines. This episode of Impact fell in that category. It was given the tagline, “Under Pressure.” Due diligence compels me to organize my thoughts as follows: There were no tag team matches on the card. Only one vignette covered anything in the division. I will provide more details next week. There was no sign of Jimmy Jacobs, Kongo Kong. or Moose. Keep in mind, The Dragged-Out Disco was added to our mystery attacker’s hit list to conclude last week’s show. Speaking of which, Sanjay Dutt can now join him as the latest victim. Unfortunately, organizers thought it necessary to include my sleeping pill in this otherwise solid offering. The Edwards’ had yet another domestic dispute regarding Sami Callihan. Can someone please wake me up?

There were only five matches on the card. It is nice when wrestling can tell a story by itself. We knew last week that Eli Drake and Scott Steiner were on shaky ground when they couldn’t get through a promo without arguing over who lost Tag Team Gold. Even so, part of me still thought they would get a rematch. So much for logic. The match was slow because of Ham Cube’s limitations. They swapped the advantage only one with Steiner getting it on the outside. When Steiner rolled back into the ring, The Self-Induced Hyphen grabbed a steel chair and gave him a receipt for losing the straps. Thanks to a clueless ref, Eli Drake got the win.

Finally, Brian Cage was back in The Impact Zone! He was coming off his “World Tour” to help with personal and company exposure. Thanks to a victory last week, Dezmond Xavier got the chance to test himself against The Machine. Despite knowing Xavier wasn’t going to win, this was gonna be fun to see. How much rope would the kid get? How do his skills translate against bigger competition? I can say this. His speed is next level and his feet are dangerous for a typical rival. Weapon X isn’t exactly typical.

There wasn’t time enough to give the cruiserweight a false advantage. Although Dezmond did hit what could be considered a finisher, but Cage kicked out after a one-count. Shortly after the successful high spot, Xavier was compromised and got caught with The Drill Claw to give The Machine the three-count. Josh Matthews also mentioned that Cage would get a shot at Matt Sydal and X Division Gold down the road. Let the countdown commence.

My fans and readers; (I may have some, GASP!), who know my level of respect for ladies working in the art form will understand my purpose for covering The Main Event for Impact Gold here. Personal suspicions that Pentagon Jr. was nothing more than a band-aid were confirmed. Austin Aries attempted three finishes with The Last Chancellery. The Defending Champ was able to crawl to the ropes and break two of them. The third happened on the floor. Aries held on too long, forcing a double count out. Challenger takes the mic; asks for a restart and gets it.

Earlier, The Champ set up for his Package Piledriver WHILE WALKING ARIES TO THE ROPES! I HATE the physics of wrestling! Pentagon got a two-count. After the restart, The Luchador hit A Pentagon Driver on the apron’s edge. This led to ANOTHER double count out. This time, Pentagon asks for and gets the restart. In a blink, he takes a nut shot followed by A Brain Buster to lose Impact Gold. I HATE the physics of wrestling!

Two shots of recess this week. First, The Horsewoman had to answer for her attitude and her disrespect of Madison Rayne. When A Blanchard is involved, an attitude comes with the territory. Madison has a career very few can rival. Former 5-Time Knockouts Champion. However, nobody watching thought this would be the upset of the night. Tessa’s strength advantage was obvious. Her challenger had to put everything she had into her offense. Tully’s Girl took a couple of shots that were stumble-worthy, but the match was one-sided. Until Tessa argued with the ref after a near fall. Upon the distraction, she went for her Hammer Lock DDT only to get school-girled and take the loss. Excuse me? I don’t understand this?

Why would those in Orlando give Tessa Blanchard the Brock Lesnar treatment? Madison Rayne is not 50-years-old. Follow me anyway. No matter what level badass the WWE makes him, Brock Lesnar still lost to Goldberg 18 months ago. Impact brings Tessa Blanchard in with all this hype and asks her to lose in her second match with the company? Madison Rayne is not beating The Knockouts Champion. Ladies interested in competing as a baby face should put a video on Impact’s Twitter timeline ASAP.

Why am I so confident in the above statement? Same reason a twig with major limitations can impersonate Mark Calloway and Mick Foley. It’s time to battle for Knockouts Gold in A “Last Rites” Match. Translation? This is a Casket Match. Can someone say stacked deck? We All knew how this was going to end. Allie did a fantastic job in the absence of her friend Rosemary. Without The Demon’s protection, I was worried the contest’s psychology would be too much to overcome. Her mind was fully prepared for the situation. The Yin-yang entrances and wardrobes were spliced together as a solid armor against The Undead Bride. Psychology was not enough though. How the Hell does a twig stop someone stronger than her from closing a casket?

Say it with me. We have a New Knockouts Champion thanks to The Mandible Claw and wrestling physics. With all due respect to Madison Rayne, those in Orlando are pushing Su Yung so hard that it will take a special character or athlete to knock her off. Frankly, I don’t see that person on the roster right now. Unless it is Rosemary herself. After all, neither woman who was just buried is fired or dead. My final thoughts? I would’ve flipped the outcome for Tessa Blanchard and had the Impact Championship fight end in a way that actually made sense. Otherwise, it was a very cool wrestling show, and those are always fun.


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MadMan: She’s Handing Out Blues Better Than A Namesake Will

Madman decided to follow his blue dragon back towards the titans! Let’s see what black magic he weaves in this edition.

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Madman decided to follow his blue dragon back towards the titans! Let’s see what black magic he weaves in this edition.

I may not be in regular rotation, but when they give me a chair, I swing for my fences. As a decades-long consumer of the art, I don’t have many left. The only Home Runs WWE has placed within my scope, can be found in Women’s Division on both Monday Night Raw & SmackDown Live.

The year I began watching wrestling, some very interesting circumstances took place surrounding cable television. WTBS; (Atlanta), WAS the home of The NWA’s Jim Crockett Promotions. At least until “Black Saturday,” which ultimately saw Vinnie Jr. Hijack the famous 6:05 time slot. This nearly cause riots among cable viewers opposed to McMahon’s product and presentation.

Though the million dollar ransom The Crocketts paid to get their flagship spot back on the dial gave the head of Titan Sports the backbone to finance WrestleMania, which helped to wreck most of the territories. Hell, it can be argued somewhat convincingly upon its 30th Anniversary, Vince himself ruined his biggest display’s pristine intentions for two consecutive years with Lesnar beating the streak instead of Bray Wyatt; and, Sting losing his ONLY Mania match because someone else had the right bride on their marriage license.

Despite the objections of both smarks and sheep in certain cases, we must respect the history of this pop culture institution. IF WrestleMania is Woodstock, it is only appropriate that Tito Santana opened the show with a victory!

In recent years, there has been only one person on The Main Roster who has matched the swag of Santana’s initial accomplishment without even trying, and she wrestled in the last Mania Match I cared about. Finally got tired of giving fans The Blues. She’s ready to deal some out in the form of steel chairs and God knows what else.

“Cut Her talent LOOSE!” We kept screaming. “A REAL run with Gold, PLEASE?” Like a kid aching just before Christmas. As with Solis, she was a true pro, until the strangest thing I’ve ever seen in the modern art form washed over us.

Fans and insiders alike FORGOT about Social Media! Don’t get me wrong, it’s still here. Can’t get away from it. Hell, I’m doing a roll-in on the internet right now! If you’ve been fans of us long enough, you’ll realize that last sentence was not a botch! Seriously, this thing felt like the territories back in the day. No one knew a damn thing! Even some of those paid to know were flipping a coin every five minutes. Thanks for the constant stress, you ancient prick!

Come on folks. If you know my current wrestling HEART at all, you KNEW the last Chair Shot on her return was coming from her Super Mark in Middle America! When older dudes at this circus describe what true fandom is like; they’ll often say: “That’s bulls***, that’s bulls***, that’s bulls***, BUT THAT’S REAL!”

For her boatloads of fans and the woman herself, Christmas is here! The Stamford’s latest Blues enthusiast is very real, And WWE’s Black Magic Woman IS BACK! Line ’em up. they’re all falling. Charlotte & Ronda too. To The Man and those in charge of her Twitter Account, thanks for keeping the possibility top of mind when things first got weird. We never gave up, but you will! MISSED YOU LADY BANKS!


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Mad Man’s Spinal Tap & 20 Questions

Back to back weeks we see the Mad Man come to play in our sandbox. Does this article go to 11? Are the retread concepts, just hollow nowadays?

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Back to back weeks we see the Mad Man come to play in our sandbox! Does this article go to 11?

When you have decades of experience watching the art form, your eyes and thought processes change. It’s the reason my colleagues can break down pending news and angles we haven’t seen yet. Mr. Meltzer made a cottage industry out of it. A ton of people on The Internet are trying to follow suit. Then, there are fans like me. As much as I love twitter, Professional Wrestling fans were never meant to receive “spoilers” every day.

This is NOT a “Back in my day…” thing. My eyes have changed too. However, I am focused more on WWE’s calendar when watching Stamford’s offering. If I think about wrestling. it’s very simple. My suspension of disbelief is gone for very few performers. In fact, I would say it’s gone for most fans. If we know it’s a work, why are scripts and outcomes still based on the assumption that we don’t? If I have seen a gimmick before, I am VERY hard to impress. Make me believe you can beat somebody; and stand out doing so, or I will chew you up and spit you the Hell out.

For those who say I should keep my mouth shut because I can’t perform and never have, I DON’T CARE! Saint Dave gets a pass, and y’all still watch the current product like his lap dogs and clones, despite “knowing’ the outcome? I don’t watch for the outcome anymore. Based on character development and pushes, I can see that coming. Call me a hypocrite and I will play 20 Questions with you. Can you get me to the finish line without looking like an idiot or a laughable copy of someone else?

Su Yung is 5’6’’ish. Marks and sheep world wide are transfixed and petrified? Make up aside, why? She is impersonating three legends with no unique move set and doing it very badly. Without her zombies, can she beat anybody? Mr. Calloway used druids. He was 6’10’’ and did not need them to kick your ass. Mick Foley put himself and you through HELL before using The Mandible Claw. You had no choice but to take it. The Great Muta was arguably the best Rising Sun performer of all time. He had a move set most American fans had never seen before. The Mist was believable in his hands because audience and opponent were spinning trying to keep up with him. Where is Su Yung’s Mysticism? As much as fans love her, there are no OMG moments in her matches, and her gimmick is predicated on them.

She is far from the only example. Twitter went crazy about a month ago because a top name on the indies put something in her opponent’s mouth during a match. Outside of a prison fight, when would this EVER HAPPEN? Why is this necessary? If this is a work, why would any girl allow someone to do this? Tell me why either woman gets hired again without the parrot response? Same question applies to Joseph. Dude ain’t pickin’ up anybody like that in real life. I dare him to pick my wheelchair up with his finish. He would be in traction.

Tony Schiavone is our crazy wrestling fan uncle. Our memories of him when we were kids and teenagers all ROCK! He is without question one of the best to ever call the action. God Bless Conrad Flair for bringing him back to the art form. Among other fun stuff, he now does commentary for MLW. With tongue firmly planted in cheek; I must say, I have a slight problem with him. I understand that it is his job. He continues to put MJF over because?? I get the gimmick. It’s just OLD! He is ripping off The Miz. One look at him, and you can see that. “I have more money than you.” So did DiBiase. And if you did, you wouldn’t need the $50.00 a night you made before Tony started calling your matches because you’d be paying him. Just wait until Mike retires before you go to New York.

Finally, we arrive at the biggest tent. Vinnie’s circus was on The West Coast in The House of Hot Rod & Billy Jack Haynes. Sheep under 25 are now asking a three-worded question. The only help you’ll get from me is to say that he may have been the father of Modern Independent Wrestling. Sometimes, it wasn’t his choice, and he is still fighting demons today.

Back to this week. Didn’t Spinal Tap all stand in the Center Ring around a month ago and do a babyface promo? “It’s our fault. We’ll do better for you. This is YOUR product.” First, I believe Stephanie as a babyface as much as I believe Saint Richard as a babyface. Shut up and go home as a shoot. Second, as big a moron as Vince is, he’s NOT leaving the person carrying the big top out of WrestleMania! Outside of the obvious, Becky’s leg is a work. SHE WAS LIMPING ON THE WRONG ONE ON MONDAY! Seth Rollins is hurt as a shoot. He WASN’T at Monday Night Raw. If Becky wasn’t cleared, she wouldn’t be on either show. So WHY is everybody going apes*** over this?

Sometimes, I can’t tell which group is Spinal Tap?

Is it the group on stage or the sheep who believe what they’re watching? I truly wish this art form was treated more like real competition.


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