Roughly once a quarter, those in Orlando put work into a wrestling-centric Television Special to help accelerate storylines. This episode of Impact fell in that category. It was given the tagline, “Under Pressure.” Due diligence compels me to organize my thoughts as follows: There were no tag team matches on the card. Only one vignette covered anything in the division. I will provide more details next week. There was no sign of Jimmy Jacobs, Kongo Kong. or Moose. Keep in mind, The Dragged-Out Disco was added to our mystery attacker’s hit list to conclude last week’s show. Speaking of which, Sanjay Dutt can now join him as the latest victim. Unfortunately, organizers thought it necessary to include my sleeping pill in this otherwise solid offering. The Edwards’ had yet another domestic dispute regarding Sami Callihan. Can someone please wake me up?
There were only five matches on the card. It is nice when wrestling can tell a story by itself. We knew last week that Eli Drake and Scott Steiner were on shaky ground when they couldn’t get through a promo without arguing over who lost Tag Team Gold. Even so, part of me still thought they would get a rematch. So much for logic. The match was slow because of Ham Cube’s limitations. They swapped the advantage only one with Steiner getting it on the outside. When Steiner rolled back into the ring, The Self-Induced Hyphen grabbed a steel chair and gave him a receipt for losing the straps. Thanks to a clueless ref, Eli Drake got the win.
Finally, Brian Cage was back in The Impact Zone! He was coming off his “World Tour” to help with personal and company exposure. Thanks to a victory last week, Dezmond Xavier got the chance to test himself against The Machine. Despite knowing Xavier wasn’t going to win, this was gonna be fun to see. How much rope would the kid get? How do his skills translate against bigger competition? I can say this. His speed is next level and his feet are dangerous for a typical rival. Weapon X isn’t exactly typical.
There wasn’t time enough to give the cruiserweight a false advantage. Although Dezmond did hit what could be considered a finisher, but Cage kicked out after a one-count. Shortly after the successful high spot, Xavier was compromised and got caught with The Drill Claw to give The Machine the three-count. Josh Matthews also mentioned that Cage would get a shot at Matt Sydal and X Division Gold down the road. Let the countdown commence.
My fans and readers; (I may have some, GASP!), who know my level of respect for ladies working in the art form will understand my purpose for covering The Main Event for Impact Gold here. Personal suspicions that Pentagon Jr. was nothing more than a band-aid were confirmed. Austin Aries attempted three finishes with The Last Chancellery. The Defending Champ was able to crawl to the ropes and break two of them. The third happened on the floor. Aries held on too long, forcing a double count out. Challenger takes the mic; asks for a restart and gets it.
Earlier, The Champ set up for his Package Piledriver WHILE WALKING ARIES TO THE ROPES! I HATE the physics of wrestling! Pentagon got a two-count. After the restart, The Luchador hit A Pentagon Driver on the apron’s edge. This led to ANOTHER double count out. This time, Pentagon asks for and gets the restart. In a blink, he takes a nut shot followed by A Brain Buster to lose Impact Gold. I HATE the physics of wrestling!
Two shots of recess this week. First, The Horsewoman had to answer for her attitude and her disrespect of Madison Rayne. When A Blanchard is involved, an attitude comes with the territory. Madison has a career very few can rival. Former 5-Time Knockouts Champion. However, nobody watching thought this would be the upset of the night. Tessa’s strength advantage was obvious. Her challenger had to put everything she had into her offense. Tully’s Girl took a couple of shots that were stumble-worthy, but the match was one-sided. Until Tessa argued with the ref after a near fall. Upon the distraction, she went for her Hammer Lock DDT only to get school-girled and take the loss. Excuse me? I don’t understand this?
Why would those in Orlando give Tessa Blanchard the Brock Lesnar treatment? Madison Rayne is not 50-years-old. Follow me anyway. No matter what level badass the WWE makes him, Brock Lesnar still lost to Goldberg 18 months ago. Impact brings Tessa Blanchard in with all this hype and asks her to lose in her second match with the company? Madison Rayne is not beating The Knockouts Champion. Ladies interested in competing as a baby face should put a video on Impact’s Twitter timeline ASAP.
Why am I so confident in the above statement? Same reason a twig with major limitations can impersonate Mark Calloway and Mick Foley. It’s time to battle for Knockouts Gold in A “Last Rites” Match. Translation? This is a Casket Match. Can someone say stacked deck? We All knew how this was going to end. Allie did a fantastic job in the absence of her friend Rosemary. Without The Demon’s protection, I was worried the contest’s psychology would be too much to overcome. Her mind was fully prepared for the situation. The Yin-yang entrances and wardrobes were spliced together as a solid armor against The Undead Bride. Psychology was not enough though. How the Hell does a twig stop someone stronger than her from closing a casket?
Say it with me. We have a New Knockouts Champion thanks to The Mandible Claw and wrestling physics. With all due respect to Madison Rayne, those in Orlando are pushing Su Yung so hard that it will take a special character or athlete to knock her off. Frankly, I don’t see that person on the roster right now. Unless it is Rosemary herself. After all, neither woman who was just buried is fired or dead. My final thoughts? I would’ve flipped the outcome for Tessa Blanchard and had the Impact Championship fight end in a way that actually made sense. Otherwise, it was a very cool wrestling show, and those are always fun.
Mad Man’s Spinal Tap & 20 Questions
Back to back weeks we see the Mad Man come to play in our sandbox. Does this article go to 11? Are the retread concepts, just hollow nowadays?
Back to back weeks we see the Mad Man come to play in our sandbox! Does this article go to 11?
When you have decades of experience watching the art form, your eyes and thought processes change. It’s the reason my colleagues can break down pending news and angles we haven’t seen yet. Mr. Meltzer made a cottage industry out of it. A ton of people on The Internet are trying to follow suit. Then, there are fans like me. As much as I love twitter, Professional Wrestling fans were never meant to receive “spoilers” every day.
This is NOT a “Back in my day…” thing. My eyes have changed too. However, I am focused more on WWE’s calendar when watching Stamford’s offering. If I think about wrestling. it’s very simple. My suspension of disbelief is gone for very few performers. In fact, I would say it’s gone for most fans. If we know it’s a work, why are scripts and outcomes still based on the assumption that we don’t? If I have seen a gimmick before, I am VERY hard to impress. Make me believe you can beat somebody; and stand out doing so, or I will chew you up and spit you the Hell out.
For those who say I should keep my mouth shut because I can’t perform and never have, I DON’T CARE! Saint Dave gets a pass, and y’all still watch the current product like his lap dogs and clones, despite “knowing’ the outcome? I don’t watch for the outcome anymore. Based on character development and pushes, I can see that coming. Call me a hypocrite and I will play 20 Questions with you. Can you get me to the finish line without looking like an idiot or a laughable copy of someone else?
Su Yung is 5’6’’ish. Marks and sheep world wide are transfixed and petrified? Make up aside, why? She is impersonating three legends with no unique move set and doing it very badly. Without her zombies, can she beat anybody? Mr. Calloway used druids. He was 6’10’’ and did not need them to kick your ass. Mick Foley put himself and you through HELL before using The Mandible Claw. You had no choice but to take it. The Great Muta was arguably the best Rising Sun performer of all time. He had a move set most American fans had never seen before. The Mist was believable in his hands because audience and opponent were spinning trying to keep up with him. Where is Su Yung’s Mysticism? As much as fans love her, there are no OMG moments in her matches, and her gimmick is predicated on them.
She is far from the only example. Twitter went crazy about a month ago because a top name on the indies put something in her opponent’s mouth during a match. Outside of a prison fight, when would this EVER HAPPEN? Why is this necessary? If this is a work, why would any girl allow someone to do this? Tell me why either woman gets hired again without the parrot response? Same question applies to Joseph. Dude ain’t pickin’ up anybody like that in real life. I dare him to pick my wheelchair up with his finish. He would be in traction.
Tony Schiavone is our crazy wrestling fan uncle. Our memories of him when we were kids and teenagers all ROCK! He is without question one of the best to ever call the action. God Bless Conrad Flair for bringing him back to the art form. Among other fun stuff, he now does commentary for MLW. With tongue firmly planted in cheek; I must say, I have a slight problem with him. I understand that it is his job. He continues to put MJF over because?? I get the gimmick. It’s just OLD! He is ripping off The Miz. One look at him, and you can see that. “I have more money than you.” So did DiBiase. And if you did, you wouldn’t need the $50.00 a night you made before Tony started calling your matches because you’d be paying him. Just wait until Mike retires before you go to New York.
Finally, we arrive at the biggest tent. Vinnie’s circus was on The West Coast in The House of Hot Rod & Billy Jack Haynes. Sheep under 25 are now asking a three-worded question. The only help you’ll get from me is to say that he may have been the father of Modern Independent Wrestling. Sometimes, it wasn’t his choice, and he is still fighting demons today.
Back to this week. Didn’t Spinal Tap all stand in the Center Ring around a month ago and do a babyface promo? “It’s our fault. We’ll do better for you. This is YOUR product.” First, I believe Stephanie as a babyface as much as I believe Saint Richard as a babyface. Shut up and go home as a shoot. Second, as big a moron as Vince is, he’s NOT leaving the person carrying the big top out of WrestleMania! Outside of the obvious, Becky’s leg is a work. SHE WAS LIMPING ON THE WRONG ONE ON MONDAY! Seth Rollins is hurt as a shoot. He WASN’T at Monday Night Raw. If Becky wasn’t cleared, she wouldn’t be on either show. So WHY is everybody going apes*** over this?
Sometimes, I can’t tell which group is Spinal Tap?
Is it the group on stage or the sheep who believe what they’re watching? I truly wish this art form was treated more like real competition.
Mad Man’s Consequences Of Sainthood
Does the lineage of Saint Ric need no explanation?
It’s been a while since Mad Man has landed his Sea Duck in our waters. He has a Flair for gold and the bold! Let’s see where this goes.
Let’s see if I remember how to do this. The Internet Wrestling Community has not seen this from me in months. Something BIG had to happen to get me out of hiding.
I’d say this week at Vinnie’s Circus certainly qualifies. If you’re expecting me to wax poetic about the dudes, take some Nyquil and go back to sleep. The Royal Rumble is both brilliant and flawed at the same time. And yes, it is about effing time the ladies got their shot to steal the show. Although, it can be quite successfully argued, they do so on a nightly basis already. All did a fabulous job last year. Including my girl; Lady Banks, going well past an hour over two nights. Drawing The Shawn Michaels Slot at #1, And then, making a beeline to the ring for a nose-to-nose promo with The Female Muta, Asuka.
The Female Dragon had two words echoing through Philadelphia to kick off Monday Night: “I’M READY!” Those who saw the full confrontation know she was. Who was her opposition in the desert again? The thought of The Rumble being flawed is not new. Especially when its ultimate goal is taken into account. Win the damn thing and Main Event The Showcase of The Immortals! Wait, what did I just say? Back to that shortly.
Blemishes in the execution of this concept make their first appearance innocently enough. The victor in this contest is not based on who participates in it. The Champions headed into WrestleMania dictate the finish. What results from algebra like this? Simple, in most years over 80% of the field is background noise. Most of the time, smarks and sheep alike have a pretty good idea who’s headed to Mania. Overwhelmingly, we don’t mind as long as we get a great match. This changes when the feminine equivalent of Mike Tyson shows up on Vinnie’s doorstep, signs a convoluted contract, and just might bail after the biggest show of the year. Storyline and logic; what little there is in this art form we love, take a beating when Vinnie says Tyson MUST face Holyfield before she runs off to have kids and turn into Brock Lesnar.
What the Hell does he do with the Female Connor McGregor?
The BEST organic baby face in the industry this decade. He turned into Helen Keller on Monday Night. No, you little prick! I am in the wheelchair. You are not disabled! Did he see or feel the crowd in Phoenix? I certainly did. In fact, my neighbors knocked on my apartment door to ask if I was alright. That’s how loud I was. Vince, you haven’t had an honest crowd reaction like that in 20 years, and you wanna pollute it? “Jesus, she wasn’t supposed to be here. You mean these fans AREN’T sheep?” Don’t worry Vince, they’re still sheep and this is still all about Flair and McMahon, DAMMIT! For those laughing at me and saying it’s a work; guess what? It doesn’t have to feel like a work!
I started feeling like something was different about Professional Wrestling in the late ‘80s, when nobody could kick Ric Flair’s ass and get rid of him. First switch of NWA Gold I remember? Ronnie Garvin taking out Flair in Detroit, 1988. As an eight-year-old, I was hardly thinking about math. Why does this matter? Garvin had The Gold six weeks. He had one Title Defense at the end of that window, against Ric Flair. Guess who won? Everybody does cartwheels over his trilogy with The Dragon in 1989, not me. Don’t get me wrong, phenomenal matches, but Ric Flair was always walking out with Championship Gold. Hey Ric, the art itself was a work. Why show us The Gold was too? Spanning from 1984 and Kerry Von Erich to 1993 And Barry Windham, Ric Flair was GIVEN no less than five runs with NWA Gold or its equal because he was Saint Richard Flair isn’t the only idiot in the modern art. During his last holy act with Ricky Steamboat, Vincent Kennedy McMahon walks into a New Jersey courtroom and gigs the business hard way. Exposing it simply because he doesn’t wanna pay taxes on an authentic sporting event. Excuse every child under ten at the time? THANKS VINCE!
Two years later, WWF Gold was held up. How does he deal with this? First, let’s bring Ric Flair in because those in charge of WCW were absolute MORONS! Wait, Vinnie can’t have Hulk Hogan pinned in 1992. “It’s okay, we’ll put Gold on the line at The Royal Rumble. Winner gets The Strap!” Awesome, a boatload of great performers! Did ANYBODY really think Ric Flair wasn’t winning this match? HELL, Hogan pulled Sid Justice out from the floor! At least Flair won in 1992. Flash forward almost three decades. If the concept is, “Winner gets choice of Champion at WrestleMania” Why is Sid Justice going to Main Event Mania FROM THE FLOOR? Hey ass****, if you NEED Tyson/Holyfield, do the Bret/Luger finish! Becky WON the match! Here’s an idea, every televised event from here to Mania is held in an empty arena until we are given a collective Heimlich Maneuver to expel Ashley from our systems. The WWE Universe would never do this because sheep love this circus. If this stands, The Women’s Royal Rumble has jumped the shark just two years in. Vince, we know it’s a work.
Why must you insist on making it THIS! Give Asuka to Ashley. You don’t need to verify Charlotte Flair’s Sainthood. Sasha Banks has seen it three times.