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Opinion

Top 5: Wrestling Commentator Catchphrases

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Commentators are among the most important people in the wrestling business. They serve as a connection between the fans & the characters they see on television every week. They help us understand why the wrestlers do what they do, and explain what exactly it is that they’re doing. They’re salesmen for their companies that we get to know on a personal basis due to our exposure to them for hours at a time every week.

Every commentator has certain phrases that they fall back on. Jim Ross had so many that I think he filled a book with them. Michael Cole has quite the list of them himself. Just think about whatever promotion you enjoy watching, and before long some of the phrases the commentators would say every week will pop into your head. We tend to forget most of them as time passes, but some stick with us forever.

Here are the Top 5 Wrestling Commentator Catchphrases.

 

5. “SLAP THE PORPOISE!” – Mike Hogewood

When Ring of Honor started producing a weekly show that aired on HDNet in 2009, they acquired the services of Mike Hogewood as their play by play announcer. Hogewood had worked in sports broadcasting for years, specifically on events featuring Atlantic Coast Conference teams. It was his first time calling pro wrestling though, and it was an odd fit. The Hog stood out in an announcing scene where older & not exactly cosmetically pleasing gentlemen like Jim Ross were being phased out in favor of younger folks. He ended up as a bit of a throwback to the days of announcers like Bob Caudle & Lance Russell, who excelled more at the emotional aspect of commentary than calling the holds & explaining the angles.

Hogewood is most remembered by fans for his call of “SLAP THE PORPOISE!”, which he would typically utilize once a week at the end of a squash match. Like Hogewood himself, it seemed completely random & stood out from everything else going on at the time. The Hog passed away this week at the age of 63, and wherever he’s going you know the porpoises have to be nervous.

 

4. “WHAT A MANEUVER!” – Vince McMahon

I think that Vince has spent more time on my television screen than any other human being. Us oldsters remember him commentating on WWF television for decades prior to his run as Evil Boss. Vince doesn’t get the love that other old school announcers like Jim Ross & Gordon Solie do, and a lot of it has to do with the idea that he didn’t call the names of the moves. Typically he’d just scream this out whenever a wrestler did something extra fancy. The phase was so ingratiated into young wrestling fans’ minds that CM Punk repeated it to Vince himself years after his commentary career ended.

3. “PUPPIES!” – Jerry “The King” Lawler

In 2018, the last thing pro wrestling needs is an announcer screaming about the presence of a female’s breasts. Back in 1998, it fit the mood. Lawler had a legendary wrestling career prior to arriving in the WWF, and I’d say he’s one of the best workers I’ve ever seen as far as getting a reaction out of an audience by doing the least goes. We all remember him as the horny color commentator during the Attitude Era. He seems to be ok with this.

Yes, Brian Christopher did a country rap album, and yes Jerry was on one of the songs. The things you learn on YouTube.

2. “OH MY GOD!” – Joey Styles

I don’t think I’ve seen opinion change on an announcer as much as it has on Joey. Back in the 1990s, most observers would have told you he was one of the greats due to his work with ECW. His work in WWE wasn’t quite the same, and now he can’t even get booked anywhere since he tried to use politics to get himself over when he was told not to. Anywho, the phrase he yelled in ECW whenever things got out of control, which was fairly often, became quite the thing for the longest period of time. Joey admitted that he wished he had copyrighted it, though nobody’s sure if you can copyright God or not.

Then again, the Republicans seem to think they have. Uh oh, political commentary is what got Joey blackballed so I better be quiet.

Honorable Mention: “HOLY F**********************CK!” – Dave Prazak

I feel like IWA Mid-South Dave Prazak was the best possible Dave Prazak. When he was in ROH he had to mind his Ps & Qs. As the lead SHIMMER announcer & promoter he can’t get too crazy, and frankly, while the action is good it rarely calls for profanity. In IWA, where people were doing crazy things on a regular basis for no apparent reason, he could cut loose & react the same way we do sitting on the couch.

Honorable Mention: “SOMEBODY CALL 911!” – John House

While we’re talking deathmatch promotions, I think any fan of Combat Zone Wrestling that’s seen most of their history would agree that the most entertaining announce team was House & Eric Gargiulo. They were there for the apex, and they had a litany of catchphrases. Eric was known for “EXCUSE ME” before Vickie Guerrero was, and House would yell for somebody to call 911 after every crazy bump, which was pretty often. CZW was never more fun than when those two were on the call.

Honorable Mention: “DANGEROUS” – Gabe Sapolsky

I think Gabe would be the first to admit that he wasn’t a great announcer. Once he brought in the likes of Prazak & Lenny Leonard, he put himself in the booth as little as possible. One call he brought to the table sticks with any early Ring of Honor fan. Anytime somebody landed on their head Gabe would yell one word, usually preceded by whatever the move was. It was silly, but it caught on to a certain degree.

1. “WILL YOU STOP!” – Gorilla Monsoon

Anybody who knows me through this whole wrestling thing likely knows that my favorite announce team of all time is Gorilla & Bobby “The Brain” Heenan. Those two were just magic together, something that I’m not sure will ever be replicated in this genre. Whether it was a WrestleMania or a forgettable house show, listening to them talk amongst themselves was never dull. They knew just how to push each other’s buttons. Whenever Bobby got too ridiculous, Gorilla was sure to interject with a WILL YOU STOP.

We’re all prone to declaring that our childhood memories are better than anything else ever, and maybe I’m doing that here. Maybe you think something before or afterwards was much better. In my opinion, WILL YOU STOP is the best announcer catchphrase of all time and there isn’t anything close.


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Opinion

King: Plotting The Return Of Randy Orton To WWE

Chris King is back with his look at the best scenario to bring Randy Orton back to WWE, and the perfect opponent for his first big match back.

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Randy Orton 4

Chris King is back with his look at the best scenario to bring Randy Orton back to WWE, and the perfect opponent for his first big match back.

I wanted to bring everyone’s attention to a superstar that’s being overshadowed right now, ‘The Viper’ Randy Orton. After RKBRO lost the Raw Tag Team Championships to The Uso’s, Orton vanished from the company. There was speculation about his serious back injury and, it wasn’t until The Viper’s wife herself posted a candid picture of Orton after successful surgery.

While the focus in WWE right now is either on The Bloodline, Bray Wyatt and Uncle Howdy, or the returning Cody Rhodes, I felt this was a good time to start plotting The Viper’s return to WWE.

Randy Orton’s Return to WWE

On the Raw-After-Mania ‘The American Nightmare’ opens the show after a tough battle over Roman Reigns to win the WWE Championship. Rhodes with tears in his eyes is giving an emotional promo about his family’s legacy, and how much this title means to him. The WWE Universe is chanting “You Deserve It,” and out comes Finn Balor flanked by The Judgement Day.

‘The Prince’ starts by congratulating the new champion for dethroning ‘The Tribal Chief’ but, now he wants his title shot. Rhodes being the resilient hero accepts Balor’s challenge for the main event. The American Nightmare and The Prince are putting on a clinic of a match, delivering multiple finishers but unable to put the other away. Judgement Day starts to interfere when Orton’s music blares throughout the arena. Orton takes out the heels and helps his former protege. Rhodes capitalizes and hits Crossroads for the 1.2.3.

The former Legacy members are celebrating and embracing with a hug as Rhodes goes to raise his newly-won title. In the blink of an eye, The Viper strikes and takes out Rhodes with an RKO Outta Nowhere! The champion is knocked out as Orton hoists the title above his head while trash-talking his now rival. Orton violently throws Rhodes out of the ring and delivers a nasty-looking draping DDT onto the floor.

The Build–And Culmination–of Randy Orton vs. Cody Rhodes

Orton stares giving 2009 vibes as Rhodes’ head raises, so The Viper runs and delivers a punt kick. WWE officials come out and break things up and the champion is stretchered out of the arena. The show closes with Orton grinning over the destruction he has caused to his former protege. Over the next few months, Orton and Rhodes enter into an extremely personal rivalry over the coveted prize. We finally make it to SummerSlam where both men agree to raise the stakes and do war inside HELL IN A CELL!!!!

This is how I would book The Viper’s return to WWE. If you feel like this should be written differently, I’d love to hear your thoughts!


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Opinion

AJ’s Phenomenal Opinion: Bray Wyatt

So everyone loves Bray’s return right? Right? Well the McDonald’s Sprite spicy opinions of AJ…may feel differently.

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Well, just because my work schedule changed, doesn’t mean I’m not going to drop some opinions of mine, of which, I haven’t done too bad with. I got Three out of Five for my returns right a few months back and this is going to be about the last entry on that previous list. I knew for a fact that Bray Wyatt would return to the WWE in some way shape or form and time for some… controversy.

As my favorite ratings winner of 83 Weeks once said, Controversy Creates Cash and boy HOWDY… Do I have something to get off my chest here so sit back, order some Chairshot Merch and lets get on with Adam’s… Rants for a bit.

Initial Thoughts

Bray coming in and making a return to the WWE was an inevitability. Death, Taxes and I guess WWE Returns are always guaranteed anymore and maybe we could get some new creativity with a supernatural gimmick. Bray has always had that supernatural to him ever since he had the Wyatt Family in Erik Rowan, the late Luke Harper and in the end, Braun Strowman. The Wyatt’s had a control like no other and were beloved for a moment in the WWE.

Bray did a lot to make sure things were in motion but for some reason any massive feud he had, he failed. Following a bunch of injuries to the rest of his family and even releases later on, he seemed to at least get some traction going for him. WWE Champion, somehow got Randy Orton with him, Universal Championships and got those big match wins that eluded him in the Wyatt Family beginnings. Let me also say this as well, I actually liked the Firefly Funhouse Match with Cena as a “This is Your Life” match of sorts. I was tickled and entertained… Then much like Bray in character, something changed.

Dark and Terrible Lurk with Fiends

We had a lot to figure out during the Pandemic. Like A WHOLE HELL OF A LOT. Through it all though, WWE figured it out but the person that helped these types of ideas, soured them drastically. Lets go back to the WWE Championship run in 2017. Randy Orton won the Royal Rumble that year and he wouldn’t betray Bray, right? Well he does and Mania for the two is set, Orton against Wyatt for the WWE Championship and it was… terrible. Random images of maggots and decay (Not the IMPACT Stable) popping up into the ring as the match goes on and Randy still wins. Through head game attempts, Bray comes up short in the big match moment. That’s odd but maybe it will be a bigger pictu– and Jinder Mahal wins the Championship. Okay.

Wyatt returns as this Mister Rogers character and has a darkness inside of him with The Fiend. Now we had this amazing theory or maybe that’s what happened but the story was, anyone The Fiend fought, they revert back to their best selves. The Miz returned to be the A Lister, the guy who grabs a microphone that you love to hate. Finn Balor doesn’t have the Demon Gimmick anymore because after his loss, he’s the Prince again. The cocky guy that walks around because he is the best, he gives no care in the world. Seth Rollins, who he took the WWE Universal Championship from, went from a dorky sweetheart back to the asshole taking every opportunity that he could get because he’s that much of a weasel and when he lost… He lost to Goldberg. The one guy that has been the same since 1997. Drums, Pyro Bath, Spear, Jackhammer, “Who’s Next?” and during that time, he sucked at points. One of those Rollins matches was in a Hell In A Cell match, the red cage with the red lighting. Match ending with a Stoppage from the referee… INSIDE OF A HELL IN A CELL (I think Sean Waltman said it best… Why did the match stop? It’s supposed to be Hell?) and it’s one of the rare times that I agreed with wrestling’s favorite Uncle… That was Negative Stars for a match.

After Goldberg, he didn’t have a commanding presence. He recruited Alexa Bliss who was already over whether she was a Heel or Face and made everything so unbelievably… boring. Alexa had to carry that idiotic demon gimmick and doll, not having anything really supernatural. Just some wrestling and Brock Lesnar cleaning up everything faster than a Chop Shop in main events and segments. He tried to return and make his grand return, beating the Universal Champion Braun Strowman at Summerslam just to falter a literal week later to Roman Reigns, who proceeded to never look back from that win. Bray gets fired after and no more supernatural ideas. Undertaker isn’t around really and retires, Kane is a mayor. Paul Bearer is no longer with us and everything is just… normal.

Wyatt’s Six (Reasons I Tune Out)

In 2022, Vince retires seemingly from everything and Triple H is at the helm, could he bring balance to everything? He makes a bunch of returns that people love seeing. Johnny Gargano, Dakota Kai, Tegan Nox, Bronson Reed, Dexter Lumus just to name a few and of course, the big one that everyone wanted. Bray Wyatt.

Bray makes this heartfelt return and everything seems great. We get him as him, he makes this weird build to a Wyatt 6, assuming we think it’s the Firefly Funhouse and he’s just talking, building. Alright well who is going to be these six figures because they are more than just puppets this time around. A masked man named Uncle Howdy that people think is Vincent Marseglia or maybe a bearded Bo Dallas who is Bray’s real life brother and he……… pops in and out to confuse people. Okay… (1)

Alexa might return to the 6 because of all the segments and gets darker and a heel. Alright that is perfectly fine but, WHY IS VINCENT DALLAS HERE AGAIN TO JUST INTERFERE WITH RANDOM THINGS? Okay… fine. (2) Alexa has a Women’s Championship match against Bianca Belair, that will make sense of thi– it’s a clean finish… Why is it clean? No Howdy, No Wyatt just a random VHS tape like I’m watching The Ring about her being dark after the match. Okay…… (3)

Oh Wyatt finally gets a feud for his return. I almost forgot about that! Who will be this first victim? LA Knight.

…Okay…… (4)

Maybe this will be good. They are both great on the microphone, maybe Bray has new moves that he can do and I know all too well how good LA Knight is, I have been an Eli Drake/Shaun Ricker fan for years. This could be a great match that they have, they announced it for the Royal Rumble so it’s going to be big and it’s a… Pitch Black Match presented by Mountain Dew.

O…okay…… (5)

The Royal Rumble is upon us, the Men’s Rumble starts the show and we all have adrenaline in our soul for it and now is this weird Pitch Black Match and it’s not a cinematic match. It’s in the ring, No Count Outs and No Disqualifications. LA Knight comes out in his iconic Yellow Attire and Wyatt is talking… with a mask on. The lights turn off and the ropes are glowing a neon greenish-yellow… with an announce table spot that… has Nickelodeon Slime inside of it when they break it? Okay fine… I knew the match was going to be dumb and gimmicky from the Mountain Dew Sponsorship. Bray wins, yay. LA Knight comes back with a Kendo Stick and… we get invulnerable Bray again… they don’t hurt. Lets go to this crash pad and Bo Marseglia shows up from somewhere and just elbow drops him from maybe fifteen to twenty feet with pyro and the Firefly Funhouse Puppets appear at the top, to watch a fire… And there is number six…

Actual Thoughts on Current Bray Wyatt, Post Rumble

I absolutely hate it.


This was awful. You build whatever insignificant thought process of the Wyatt 6 has going for it when Uncle Howdy does the best Cap’n Shane O elbow drop for a hellfire effect. At least the pyro was better than the AEW Explosion Match I guess…

Regardless, how does LA Knight come out of all of this moving forward? He lost an idiotic gimmick match and looks presumed dead. This just makes me think that whoever in whatever interview said Bray Wyatt is a creative mastermind needs to put whatever they have down before we hear about their T.O.D. posted somewhere. This Pitch Black Match is somehow worse than that Rollins Hell in a Cell Match and that takes talent. At least a good amount of alcohol lulled that from my brain but this made me remember that and enjoy the thought of that match happening with its finish. The best way I can picture how this was pitched was Burnt Dogshit, wrapped in a Kerosine Blanket with… sorry had to look at what I wrote, not putting that on websites but… people saw a Creative Quesadilla and when we got the actual product, it gave Salmonella poisoning and E Coli at the same time.

I really don’t want to see another Bray Wyatt match… again. Whoever gave him creative, take it away immediately. As much steam as Bray Wyatt gets in promos or possible matches in the past, the only steaming he gets at the end, is steaming piles of shit. You can say, he’s getting paid millions where I’m a little troll on the internet with typing power and I really don’t care but to me, Triple H… you finally got your first failing grade with something in your leadership role in WWE.


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