Mitchell’s WWE Raw Results & Report! (12/9/19)
A golden go-home to TLC!
The last Raw before TLC!
Not much is known about what TLC has in store for the WWE Universe, but Raw is going to be golden! Will Rey Mysterio retain the WWE United States title?
- Matt Hardy VS Drew McIntyre; McIntyre wins.
- Raw Tag Team Championships Open Challenge: The Viking Raiders VS ???; The Viking Raiders win.
- Aleister Black VS Akira Tozawa; Aleister wins.
- Andrade Almas w/ Zelina Vega VS Humberto Carrillo; Carrillo wins.
- Zack Ryder w/ Curt Hawkins VS Buddy Murphy; Murphy wins.
- 2v1 Handicap: The Kabuki Warriors VS Becky Lynch; Lynch wins, by disqualification.
- Erick Rowan VS ???; No Contest.
- WWE United States Championship: Rey Mysterio VS AJ Styles; Mysterio wins and retains the WWE United States Championship.
PLAY BY PLAY
Jerry “The King” Lawler is already in the ring!
For weeks now, we’ve seen the apparent “demise” of the Rusev-Lana relationship. Jerry was hoping to save the marriage, but it is at “the point of no return.” For the first time ever on Raw, Jerry now presides over a divorce paper signing. First out is Lana, and her lawyer. The Ravishing Russian smiles as she heads down the ramp and into the ring. Fans chant for “Rusev Day! Rusev Day!” as Lawler reads a paper given to him. The restraining order’s distance stipulation has been temporarily waived, but the other conditions are still in effect. With that, Rusev is allowed to come out to the ring himself. Rusev even manages a smile, which upsets Lana. Rusev hugs Jerry before taking his seat and saying hi to the fans. Lana doesn’t like him interrupting her. She barely even started talking. No, she did.
And to get this off her chest, Lana wants Rusev to know he used to love him. Even when the WWE Universe didn’t, she did. But don’t make this about yourself, Rusev. That’s what he always does. Rusev, like so many other celebrities, turned out to be another statistic. When he got famous and rich, it went to his head! No one but Lana loved her, but when fans finally did support him, he let it go to his head. Lana says she is smart. It is not Rusev who made this marriage fail, it is the WWE Universe that made their marriage fail! Well no, now we all see the reality of this relationship. Lana needs to calm down. Then he better not step forward, the restraining order still has a personal space restriction!
Rusev says he needs a restraining order. Did anyone see what happened last week? Here’s a video of it! Lashley threatened and bumped the police and got arrested for it! And then Lana SLAPPED an officer and got herself arrested! Rusev sits back as the world sees how ill-tempered she can be. But Lana calls him the monster!? The Most Ravishing Woman is not to be trifled with! Rusev will never find another woman who loved him like she did! He will never find a woman like her again! Well why would he want a woman like her? Lana says Rusev is the selfish one, for choosing Rusev Day over Lana! She has a meltdown at the table… Rusev says she is being ridiculous. Just get to the point and sign those papers! Fans cheer, “YES! YES! YES!” With that, Jerry presents Rusev with the papers first, but Lana snatches them away! Lana says she will be first.
Always a competition with her, isn’t it? Lana says the fans need to stop booing her! The bottom line, she wants to be first. Rusev always loses, he’s a loser. She gets their dog! No, no, that’s his puppy. Well Lana gave him the puppy. Yeah, so she’s his puppy. Lana says she makes the rules! You Bulgarian son of a- Whoa, okay, c’mon now. She signs the papers and slams them down in front of Rusev. Rusev holds the papers up for the world to see, and figures this will end it. But on another hand… Rusev needs something in return. What? More sex?! Sex sex sex is all he wants! That is how sick sick sick Rusev is! Just like these sick sick sick people in the audience. No, no, that’s not all what he wants. He wants… A match with BOBBY LASHLEY! And speaking of, here he comes!
“This is ridiculous!” Lashley says Rusev must think this is all a joke. Making a joke out of Lashley and his Lana. After this divorce is over, Lashley will become her new husband! Yeah, that’s fine! Run off to Vegas and get married, who cares? Lana’s just bad now… At the end of the day, Rusev wants to be happy on RUSEV DAAAY~! Lana has to hold Lashley back. But Rusev says he will sign the contract, and take Lashley on any time, in any match. He signs, and Lashley bounces him off the table! And throws him out of the ring! The brawl is on and Lashley rams Rusev into barriers! And again! Lana smiles and applauds as Lashley puts Rusev in the ring. Lashley gets back in, but gets a MACHKA KICK! And then a belly2belly suplex through the table! Rusev is ready, Lana is livid, but will Lashley look for revenge in whatever match he wants?
Backstage interview with Kevin Owens.
Has he figured out why he was again attacked by the Authors of Pain? Yes. Because Rollins told them to. Rollins can deny it all he wants, but AOP follow his orders. And it started because Kevin told Rollins he was “full of crap.” Truth be told, Kevin was lucky to get away. Tonight, he will make the AOP regret letting him go. Because now, he’s going after them. WIth that, Kevin heads out in search of Akam and Rezar.
Kevin finds Rey Mysterio first and says sup. How’s it going? Good, but would be better if he could find the AOP. Mysterio offers the help of him and his homey, but Kevin says it’s his problem to solve. Well no, he meant his homey, the pipe. Oh. Well then thank you. Will Kevin need his new little friend once he finds big, bad Akam and Rezar?
Matt Hardy VS Drew McIntyre!
V1 is back again, but he might regret it against the Scottish Terminator. “This show has started a little depressing. In WWE, we’re all about putting smiles on faces.” But McIntyre has good news: the Hardys have a third child! Fans cheer for that. McIntyre says the kid’s a bit cross-eyed but that just proves Matt’s the father. But in all seriousness. They’ve known each other for a long time, and Matt has been very successful in the ring. Just not so successful outside, so reproducing might not have been good. But McIntyre’s a good guy, really he is! He’ll give Matt a chance to live to fight another day and hold his kid without being broken. Matt snaps and goes after McIntyre! Matt hits a TWIST OF FATE! McIntyre bails out but Matt is fired up, all as we go to break!
Raw returns and this really is a match! Matt throws hands, dodges McIntyre and gives endless clotheslines! But McIntyre powers out of the bulldog, only to get clothesline’d out! Matt goes out and throws more hands, only to be rammed into the steps! McIntyre puts Matt back in and kicks him while he’s down. McIntyre rains down rights, stomps away, and then puts Matt in a corner. McIntyre CHOPS, then whips corner to corner hard. Matt dodges and lets McIntyre hit post! Matt gets the SIDE EFFECT! Cover, TWO! But Matt won’t be slowed, he says, “DELETE! DELETE! DELETE!” But no twist, so Matt gets around for a backslide. Cover, ONE as McIntyre rolls through, FUTURE SHOCK! But McIntyre isn’t through. Fans boo as McIntyre waits for Matt to stand, CLAYMORE! Cover, McIntyre wins!
Winner: Drew McIntyre, by pinfall
The Scottish Terminator may have just broken Hardy after all. Who else will McIntyre maul in order to be on top of Raw?
Charlotte Flair meets with Becky Lynch.
The Queen and The Man are best of frenemies, and had common enemies. Would Becky Two Belts like to come back? Oh so she’s to help against the Kabuki Warriors? Well one issue trumps another, and Becky wants to collect her debt. So 2v1 like Charlotte tried? Good luck with that. Becky prefers that to what Charlotte offers, but will the results just be the same?
Kevin is still AOP hunting.
No one knows where they’ve gone, so Kevin keeps looking. Does Mojo Rawley know where they went? That way. Wait, no, maybe that way. Oh, no, it was both ways. Very funny, Mojo. Kevin SLAPS him! And now, he just went that way. Kevin leaves the jokester behind, but will he find his targets before the end of the night?
The Viking Raiders VS ???
Erik and Ivar want the entire world to witness their war on the Raw Tag Team Division, but no one has stepped up to be contenders to their tag title reign. They take to the mics now to speak. “For weeks, we have been searching for worthy opponents.” “But all we’ve encountered are victims.” Tonight, they issue an open challenge! To any team that thinks they can take this gold, “let the raid begin!” The team to answer the call is the STREET PROFITS! Montez Ford & Angelo Dawkins had a similar opportunity when both teams were NXT, but what will the results be now that it’s Monday night?
Dave Bautista is going to be a WWE Hall of Famer!
The Animal and Hollywood star is finally being immortalized in wrestling history as part of the 2020 class!
Raw Tag Team Championships: The Viking Raiders VS The Street Profits!
Raw returns from break as the teams sort out. Ford starts with Erik, and Ford sees the knees coming! He leaps right over Erik, who ends up hitting buckles, and then Ford dropkicks Ivar off the apron! Tag to Dawkins, and the Profits take Erik down with a SPEAR! Ford FLIES onto Ivar! Ford hurries back as Dawkins gives Erik a SPINE BUSTER! Tag, Ford is up, WORLD STAR!! Cover, but Ivar breaks it! Fast and furious slows as Dawkins throws Ivar out and everyone catches their breath. Ford wants to get on the gas again, Dawkins Electric Chairs Erik. Ford is up top, but Erik escapes! Erik runs Ford over, tags in Ivar. Ivar gives Dawkins the seated senton! Ford cartwheels, Ivar cartwheels, they both cartwheel!
Ford fires up, but he gets a HUGE heel kick! Cover, TWO! Ford is dazed but Ivar brings him up. Ivar throws heavy hands in the Viking corner, tag to Erik. Erik throws a big forearm then another. Ford falls, Ivar tags back in, and Ivar brings Ford up for a back suplex. Ford lands on his feet, dodges, and tags Dawkins! Dawkins dodges, hits Erik then dropkicks Ivar! He manages an EXPLODER on Ivar!! Cover, TWO!! Dawkins tags Ford back in, the Profits double whip Ivar, but Ivar breaks the clothesline! Ivar handspring back elbows them both! Tag to Erik, who gives Ford those shotgun knees after all! Ace Ten Mao for Dawkins! Tag back to Ivar, Ivar feeds Ford to Erik, THOR’s HAMMER!! Cover, the Viking Raiders win!
Winners: The Viking Raiders, Ivar by pinfall; still Raw Tag Team Champions
A hard hitting fight right off the bat! But in the end, the raid continues as Erik and Ivar retain the titles. But the Profits once again won the respect of these two veterans.
But wait, Seth Rollins is coming out? The Architect heads right to the ring and “hates to interrupt.” He welcomes these two team to stay while he handles something. The Profits prefer to take their leave, and then so do the Viking Raiders. Rollins says that’s fine. He moves on to his business, and that means the AOP! Rollins doesn’t care if he’s got a bad hand, or if it is 2v1! He wants the AOP right here, right now! But instead, it’s Kevin Owens! Oh, and his little friend that he’s borrowed from Mysterio. Kevin goes to the ring, and Rollins says this is about him and the AOP. If Kevin wants to talk, fine, but just leave the pipe. No, this pipe isn’t for Rollins yet. And Kevin knows that Rollins knows that the AOP isn’t here. Otherwise, Kevin would’ve found them, they’re not that smart.
So Kevin wants to know when they are going to arrive, so they and Rollins can beat Kevin up. Rollins insists the AOP do not work with or for him. But wait, who is pulling into the arena? Why, it’s the Authors of Pain! Akam and Rezar are on the move, and Raw goes to break.
Raw returns as Rollins keeps defending his innocence.
AOP will come down to kick Kevin’s ass but it has nothing to do with Rollins! Let them try! But it won’t be with Rollins in their corner. Why wait when Kevin can take Rollins out? No, no, no! Rollins bails out and says that he tried. Kevin says AOP just happens to show up? Such a perfect alibi! Well nothing Rollins says will convince them, but he’s gonna leave as the “right thing to do.” This is the only way he can prove he isn’t on the AOP’s side. Good luck and good night. Aww, Seth. Fine, leave! But when Kevin is down with AOP, he’ll still come looking for Rollins! Kevin points himself out as the loud one with the pipe.
But Akam and Rezar speak to Kevin via titantron in their native languages. Fans don’t understand, and Kevin can’t argue against anything. But he wants his chance to get even! “Let’s just do this!” Instead, it’s Sami Zayn? Isn’t Sami on SmackDown? There’s no Wild Card rule! Oh but Mojo is with him… Sami is just as surprised, too. He shouldn’t be here but he’s got a loophole! He’s a manager now! His managerial license lets him go where he is needed. And Kevin knows Sami isn’t a manager, an agent or an advocate. He is a Liberator. Sami helps free people! And Sami knows Kevin the best that Kevin feels imprisoned in his own head. That’s fine! Sami isn’t judging him at all. Sami knows Kevin has a lot with Seth and the AOP. Mojo, please join them in the ring. Sami wants Kevin to hear him out. What he did to Mojo was “way out of line.” That slap to the face was humiliating!
Sami knows how dangerous Kevin is when there’s no one to guide him. Sami can’t guide Kevin if Kevin doesn’t at least admit first that he was wrong. What we’re going to do now, in front of the fans, is to do the right thing and apologize to Mojo. Mojo demands Kevin look at Sami when he’s talking! Mojo won’t let Kevin disrespect Sami! Saim wants everyone to calm down. Mojo, trust Sami when he says you shouldn’t take that tone with Kevin, when he has that look and that pipe. Mojo doesn’t get it. Kevin is scary for having a steel pipe? Everyone’s tough with a steel pipe. Kevin tells Sami and Mojo that they have a point. Here, have the pipe, Mojo. STUNNER! Well, maybe not everyone is tough with a steel pipe in their hands. And then Kevin uses the pie to SMACK Mojo on the back! And again and again and again!
Fans fire up with Kevin as Mojo retreats, and referees hurry out to help him. Will Kevin get the fight he wants with AOP before the night is over?
Kevin Owens returns backstage.
He’s still got the pipe, still asking around, but still no sign of Akam or Rezar.
Aleister Black VS Akira Tozawa!
The Embodiment of the End returns for another fight in the ring to prepare for the big fight on Sunday! Aleister and Buddy Murphy finally face off in the ring, but will Aleister gain some final momentum before he makes Buddy #FadeToBlack?
The bell rings and Aleister stares down with Tozawa. They slowly circle, approach and tie up. Aleister headlocks, Tozawa pries his way out to a wristlock, and then a shoulder breaker. Tozawa wrenches more, but Aleister spins through to reverse the hold. Tozawa spins and throws Aleister, then gets a headlock, only for Aleister to slip right out. Aleister has the wristlock, but Tozawa reverses to snapmare. Tozawa headlocks again but again gets reversed. Tozawa breaks free, snapmares, but Aleister handsprings through! Aleister sweeps the legs and Tozawa gets up in frustration.
Aleister and Tozawa circle again, tie up, and Tozawa waistlocks. Aleister wrenches but Tozawa throws body shots. Tozawa shoves, Aleister rolls off his back, and the two speed up, big arm-drags from Aleister to Tozawa! Aleister wrenches, Tozawa throws hands but ducks a kick! Tozawa backs off but Aleister sits down, and fans cheer the exchange. Tozawa kicks but Aleister blocks it for kicks and forearms of his own. Aleister whips, Tozawa holds ropes and elbows back. Tozawa runs, dodges, and gets popped up, to huricanrana! Aleister bails out, Tozawa builds speed, to DIVE into a knee! Aleister drags Tozawa’s dead weight into the ring, stalks the Stamina Monster, and hits BLACK MASS! Cover, Aleister wins!
Winner: Aleister Black, by pinfall
One former Cruiserweight Champion falls, but now Aleister aims for another. Will the Best Kept Secret be put away and Fade to Black?
Backstage interview with Humberto Carrillo.
Ultimo Ninja is quickly being considered a cornerstone of the WWE’s future, and despite being brand new to Raw… Oh wait, ladies first. Zelina Vega and Andrade Almas want Carrillo to respect her. He tried to, they’re the ones having a problem! But then to even Zelina’s surprise, these two agree to a match tonight! Will El Idolo make Carrillo respect him and La Muneca by force?
Liv Morgan’s makeover is coming!
After being gone for months, what will the Juvenile Delinquent be like now?
Andrade Almas w/ Zelina Vega VS Humberto Carrillo!
The heated exchange takes to the ring! Who learns about respect while also learning about defeat?
The bell rings and Almas dropkicks Carrillo immediately! He stomps Carrillo around but Carrillo gets to the corner. Almas CHOPS Carrillo, stalks him to another corner, but Carrillo hits back. Almas knees and whips, but Carrillo comes back with wheelbarrow and arm-drag! Carrillo runs, Almas back drops him! Cover, TWO! Almas glares and wraps on a chinlock, digging his knee into Carrillo’s back. Fans rally up and Carrillo fights his way up. Carrillo fights back but Almas wrangles him back down. Almas cranks back on Carrillo’s head but Carrillo endures. Fans rally up again, Carrillo fights up again, and Vega grows worried. Carrillo fights out with body shots, runs, but into a back elbow! Only Vega applauds.
Almas drags Carrillo up, bumps him off buckles and CHOPS him again. Almas throws big forearms and then snapmares, to run and basement dropkick! Cover, TWO! Almas grows frustrated but Vega coaches him to keep on Carrillo. Almas drags Carrillo up, whips him corner to corner, then runs in, but Carrillo kicks back. Almas CHOPS and shoves, but Carrillo kicks back! Carrillo runs in, Almas pops him up but he lands on the top rope! Flying crossbody! Carrillo runs, dodges, and springboard arm-drags! Almas bails out but Carrillo builds speed for a triangle top-of-the-post MOONSAULT! Vega is in shock as we go to break!
Raw returns as Almas CHOPS then whips. He back drops Carrillo but Carrillo flips through to land on his feet! Carrillo springboards for a crossbody! Almas kicks, Carrillo blocks and retaliates, but gets Almas on the enziguri! Somersault moonsault! Cover, TWO! Vega shouts at Almas but Carrillo is up first. Carrillo stalks Almas to a corner for a clothesline, then a CHOP! Carrillo puts Almas up top, climbs to join him, but Almas trips Carrillo up! Tree of Woe, WOE STOMPS! Cover, TWO!! Almas and Vega are both furious that Carrillo survives! Almas stomps away on Carrillo, then prepares the knees. He runs corner to corner, but gets buckles! Carrillo is on the apron, heads up top, and leaps for a missile dropkick! Almas is in a drop zone as Carrillo goes back up. Headstand, AZTEC PRESS! Cover, TWO!
Carrillo grits his teeth, but Almas calls to Vega. Carrillo waistlocks, Almas standing switches but Carrillo elbows out. Almas runs, Carrillo dodges both boot and elbow, but Almas dodges both kick and enziguri! Boot feint to ELBOW hits! Cover, TWO!? Vega is shocked but Almas starts to like this! Almas calls for the end as he puts Carrillo in a drop zone. Almas climbs up, moonsault! But Carrillo goes in, to get CIEN SHADOWS! Almas won’t stop there, he goes for more, but gets a HUGE dropkick! Both men are down and fans are fired up! Vega, however, can hardly breathe from all this. Crrillo fireman’s carries, but Almas slips out. He shoves Carrillo at Vega but Carrillo stops himself. Carrillo dodges, Almas runs into Vega!! Carrillo hops up, victory roll, Carrillo wins!!
Winner: Humberto Carrillo, by pinfall
The biggest win for Carrillo’s WWE career! He got the better of the devious duo, and puts the first blemish on Almas’s Raw record! Will Carrillo only fly higher from now on?
Wait, Almas blames Vega?! They argue, but will they be able to get over this defeat before Almas’s next match?
Rey Mysterio speaks.
“Tonight, I have the honor of defending my WWE United States Championship against former champion, AJ Styles.” This title means so much to Mysterio. It is the destination of his journey back from losing his confidence. If Styles is able to win, Mysterio will be the first to congratulate him. But Mysterio will do everything in his power to prove to everyone that he is still worthy of being Rey Mysterio and WWE United States Champion. But what will Styles do to make sure that all changes?
Kevin is still looking for the AOP.
They’ve last been spotted headed back for their van. Will Kevin get them before they get away?
Zack Ryder w/ Curt Hawkins VS Buddy Murphy!
We saw Aleister Black get a decisive victory, can the Aussie Juggernaut do the same to keep pace?
The bell rings, Ryder circles with Murphy and they tie up. Murphy knees low then bumps Ryder off buckles. Murphy stomps a mudhole and scrape his boot on Ryder’s face. Fans boo as Murphy grins, but Ryder comes back with rights! Ryder boots Murphy and hops up, but Murphy yanks him off the top! Penalty Kick tot he back, cover, TWO! Murphy ramps knees in then kicks again. Cover, TOW! Murphy wraps on a chinlock but Ryder fights up and jawbreakers free! Ryder whips, Murphy reverses, but Ryder hits a facebuster! Fans fire up with Ryder as Murphy flounders into knees! Ryder goes up, missile dropkick! Ryder runs in for a forearm smash, then has Murphy down. BROSKI BOOT! Murphy ends up outside, but the ref keeps Ryder in.
Hawkins keeps his distance, but Murphy still DECKS him! Ryder wrecks with a dropkick, checks on Hawkins, but gets the KNEE TRIGGER! Pump handle, Murphy’s Law! Cover, Murphy wins!
Winner: Buddy Murphy, by pinfall
Murphy leaves, having gotten the job done. But can he do the same to Aleister this Sunday?
Kevin finds the AOP van.
He walks up to it, but it’s hard to tell if Akam and Rezar are in there. He goes around to SMASH on the window! And the side mirror! He smashes more windows in, but clearly they’re not in there since they’re not responding. He still busts off the locks to open it up. Someone is in there, but it’s not the AOP because they attack from behind! And throw Kevin into a garage door! They haul Kevin up to throw into piping, and then rain down rights and stomps! AOP use the van door to BASH Kevin’s head! And the person in the van turns out to be… SETH ROLLINS! The Architect really was working with them all along! “It’s come to this, Kev! It’s a shame. I’m sorry.” CURB STOMP!! Kevin is out cold from hitting concrete, and now these Architects of Pain leave him for dead.
Seth Rollins returns to the stage!
Fans boo but Rollins asks them, “What do you want from me?!” He has been asking himself that for some time now. He and the fans used to get along! They used to see things the same. Somehow, it went wrong, and he is the one who wants to know why! He did everything right! No nights off, fighting through injury, and he tears it down in the ring for each and every fan watching. Rollins sticks his neck out for the fans both in the ring and in the media, and yet he gets spat on and disrespected. He’s sick of it! Rollins came out and told Kevin, the fans, he had nothing to do with the AOP. That was the truth. But then that wasn’t good enough! They thought he was a liar because some “flavor of the month” called him a liar?
But Rollins did what he does. He let it slide. He tried to say again that he had nothing to do with the AOP. It was still the truth. But once again, the truth wasn’t good enough. “So tell me, in 2019, what is good enough for you people?!” What does Rollins have to do?! GO into the ring and die? He took the title off Lesnar, and that was STILL NOT ENOUGH!? Fans chant, “You Suck! You Suck!” Rollins hears them. They want to push him? Time for “Seth Freakin’ Rollins” to push back! Their negativity has become a self-fulfilling prophecy of turning fiction into fact. Because now, Rollins now stands with “two men who understand,” the AOP! And with that, Akam and Rezar make their entrance.
Meanwhile, Kevin is being stretchered into an ambulance after what Rollins and the AOP did to him. What will the lasting effects of that beat down be?
2v1 Handicap: The Kabuki Warriors VS Becky Lynch!
Where the Queen of All Eras failed, The Man looks to succeed! Will the Raw Women’s Champion kick double the lass when she’s up against the WWE Women’s Tag Team Champions? Or is she, too, not ready for Asuka and Kairi Sane?
The Empress of Tomorrow starts with the bell, and she circles with Becky. Becky throws hands and then bumps Asuka on buckles. Becky stomps a mudhole, but backs off at the ref’s count. She whips, Asuka reverses, but Becky dodges. Becky fires uppercuts and snap suplexes Asuka away. Asuka bails out to regroup with Kairi already but Becky is all fired up. Fans rally behind Becky as Asuka gets back up. Becky knocks Asuka back down then keeps her eyes on Kairi. Asuka distracts the refo, Kairi distracts Becky, Asuka attacks! Asuka kicks and stomps Becky while she’s down but the ref stops her as she stands on Becky’s head. Asuka comes back to stand on Becky in the corner, but lets up at 4.
Becky drags herself up, Asuka runs in with the hip attack! Asuka argues with the ref before she drags Becky up for forearms. Asuka brings Becky up for more, then snapmares to kick! Cover, ONE, but The Man is in trouble as we go to break.
Raw returns and Kairi Sane is now in, and she has Becky in the straitjacket stretch. But Becky endures and fans rally up. Becky gets up but Kairi wrangles her back down and shifts to a normal chinlock. Becky gets up, Kairi brings her back down and covers, ONE. Kairi keeps close and throws a back elbow, only for Becky to respond with a flying forearm! Both women are down, Asuka shouts for Kairi, but Becky anchors the Pirate Princess. Kairi kicks her away, tag to Asuka! Asuka is sent out fast! Becky wrecks Asuka with a dropkick then puts her back in. Asuka hurries to tag back to Kairi, but Becky rallies on them both with clotheslines! Calf kick for Kairi, and then Becky runs in for the Straight Firearm! Asuka runs in, but the hip attack gets knees! Becky fires off on Kairi, and uses a BECKSPLODER!
Becky runs into Asuka’s kick, but slips out of the suplex. Becky has the Kabuki Warriors in a double DDT combo! Cover on Kairi, TWO! Becky keeps her cool as she goes to the corner. Becky climbs up, but Asuka anchors a foot! Becky kicks Asuka away but Kairi SHORYUKEN! And Iconoclasm! Elbow drop, but Kairi laughs as she prepares that elbow drop. Asuka tags in just before Kairi jumps, but Kairi has to bail out as Becky dodges! Asuka climbs while Becky boots Kairi! Asuka leaps, but misses! Becky gives Asuka the BECKSPLODER! Fans fire up as Becky goes to the corner. She climbs up, for the Man’s Leg Drop! But it FLOPS! ASUKA LOCK!! Becky reaches, flails, but Asuka gets a rear mount! They get up, Becky reaches, ropebreak with a buckle bomb! BECKY LOCK!? Becky steals Asuka’s move, but Kairi drags Asuka to safety!
The ref tries to restore order but Kairi beats Becky down. Kairi helps Asuka get in and a ring count climbs. But Kairi grins as she throws Becky, only to get thrown into barriers! Asuka aims but her kick is caught! Becky throws Asuka down on the apron! Then Becky hops up, but leaps into a knee! The ring count climbs as all three women are down! It passes 5, Asuka is in and Kairi anchors Becky from below the apron! Becky breaks free and gets in at 9, to get a SHINING WIZARD! Cover, TWO!! Becky still lives and the Kabuki Warriors can’t believe it! Fans rally as Becky and Asuka brawl on the mat. Asuka waistlocks but Becky breaks free to mule kick. Kairi tags as Becky reverses the whip. Asuka shoves, Kairi runs in, and clobbers Becky from behind! The Kabuki Warriors coordinate in a corner, Becky is up in the Electric Chair, KABUKI DOOMSDAY!! Cover, TWO?!?
The Kabuki Warriors are enraged! How did Becky survive?! But Kairi drags Becky back to the drop zone and prepares to weigh anchor. Kairi is up top, InSANE Elbow gets knees! Becky has the arm, but Asuka runs in. MAN-HANDLE SLAM! DISARM-HER!! But now Asuka saves Kairi in return! Fans boo as the Kabuki Warriors survive again. Becky is fired up, she heads right for Asuka! She ROCKS Asuka with a right, but Asuka comes back from behind! Asuka uses a CHAIR!
Winner: Becky Lynch, by disqualification
A chair shot to the back, but the Kabuki Warriors aren’t done! They bring out a TABLE! They set the table up as Becky writhes in pain. Asuka kicks Becky and clubs away as Kairi climbs up top. Asuka puts Becky on the table, Kairi takes aim… InSANE Elbow through the table!! Asuka and Kairi stand over the wreckage, then take their leave with their tag team titles, laughing all the way. But will they make it through the holidays with those belts?
The OC speak.
It’s time for #OCBusiness. The Phenomenal One and the Best Tag Team in the World know that Gallows and Anderson got that title by beating the Raw Tag team Champions in the Crown Jewel Tag Team Turmoil. They’ll come for those tag titles against the Viking Raiders, and they’ll be celebrating with the Phenomenal UNITED STATES Champion! And if Randy Orton sticks his nose in their business, the OC will hurt him not just for a night, not for awhile, but for life. A Too Sweet warning, but will it be heeded?
The following announcement has been paid for by the New World Order.
That’s right, the nWo is going into the WWE Hall of Fame, too! Hogan, Nash, Big Kev and X-Pac will also be inducted as part of the 2020 class!
Becky Lynch is attended to by the trainer doctor.
She says she’s fine, but Charlotte Flair comes by to see how that match went. It’s obvious how it went. But if it means getting a shot at Asuka, Becky will help The Queen. But the Kabuki Warriors attack Charlotte as she leaves the room!! They use a chair, kicks and stomps to beat Charlotte down! The team-up and the match has been made, but will it even happen?
Erick Rowan VS ???
The Big Redwood has been very guarded about the critter that sits inside the cage. Will he make this quick work so he and his pet can get out of here?
The bell rings, and Rowan’s opponent rabbits out of the ring, and steals the cage?! He takes it up to the ramp, leaves it, and heads all the way around through the crowd to get to the ring! The ring count begins as Rowan checks on his little pet. But then he realizes what happened, and he runs down the ramp! He’s in at 8, and RUNS OVER his opponent! “What’re you doing?!” Now Rowan is enraged, IRON CLAW SLAM!! “What the heck is wrong with you!?” Then another!! And then with an Iron Claw vice, he gives ANOTHER slam! The ref has to call this off!!
Rowan doesn’t care if he’s won or lost, he just wants to HURT! A fourth Iron Claw!! He keeps asking what’s wrong with the young man, but what is going on with Rowan!? Rowan marches all the way back to his cage and says it’s okay. But will it ever be okay to be around Rowan and his mysterious pet?
Backstage interview with The Kabuki Warriors.
What’s next for them? Asuka talks trash in Japanese over how they just beat down Becky and Charlotte individually. Right, sorry, Charly needs to learn many, many languages now. But if possible, in English? Kairi and Asuka breathe, and explain that they challenge Becky and Charlotte to challenge them for a title match! They continue laughing as they leave, but will they be laughing when The Man and The Queen come around?
Now Charlotte is in the trainer’s room with Becky.
They’ve both been beaten down tonight. They’ve both heard about the challenge. And they both accept the challenge. But they need to up the ante. Tables, Ladders and Chairs. The Women’s Tag Team titles will be on the line in the namesake match! Will Asuka and Kairi regret escalating things to this point?
The Monday After the Weekend Update premieres!
Montez Ford and Angelo Dawkins are at the news desk to give us our top stories. As we just learned, the WWE Women’s Tag Team Championships will be on the line in a TLC Match. After all the green mist spitting, Asuka, “what are you eating?” Is it Baby Yoda? Hope not, the Mandalorian is great. Disney+ all day, fam. Now, when Bray Wyatt challenged The Miz, he mentioned the former Wyatt Family. The USA Network executives realized they could cash in on this, with a new reality show, Fiend & Mrs. Yikes…
But speaking of The Fiend, another monster with mood swings got her wish. She and Rusev are now divorced, but Rusev takes on Bobby Lashley in a Tables Match! Now that Lashley has Lana all to himself, here’s some advice. Run. There are plenty of jokes to make, but no seriously, GET OUT! Moving on, another TLC match will be Baron Corbin and Roman Reigns. Corbin tried to humiliate Roman with dog food, but this all clearly proves that the King of the Ring has a Napoleon Complex. That’s for short people. Corbin’s bigger than both of them. Not where it counts!
But in all seriousness, TLC is going to be off the chain. Before then, just remember this. #WeWantTheSmoke. Well, Dawkins is thinking Ford can have the smoke. He needs ice. The Viking Raiders hit hard. But that’s all for the premiere episode of the Monday After the Weekend Update!
WWE United States Championship: Rey Mysterio VS AJ Styles!
The King of Lucha Libre went through a double header to get this title off the Phenomenal One, but it seems he didn’t care for setting up obstacles for Styles to get the rematch. Will Mysterio regret letting Styles off easy? Or will he prove that he was right to keep going?
Raw returns once again, and the bell rings on this rematch. The two circle and tie up, and Mysterio headlocks. Styles powers out, Mysterio dodges and waistlocks. Styles bucks him off, then trips him up to cover. TWO as Mysterio gets a shoulder up. Styles tries again, TWO as Mysterio gets the other arm up. Styles goes to put his weight on Mysterio but Mysterio kicks back and wheelbarrows to a victory roll! TWO and Styles has the cover! TWO and Styles runs but misses. Mysterio wants Styles to relax as he and Styles circle again. Fans duel, but have more behind Mysterio than Styles. The two tie up, Styles whips and sends Mysterio into buckles hard! Then he catapults Mysterio into the buckles! Styles turns Mysterio around, and catapults him a second time!
Mysterio gasps for air, but Styles brings him around to another corner. Styles catapults, Mysterio catches himself, hops back and spins around, sunset flip! TWO, Mysterio runs but gets run over with an elbow! Styles is angry now as he drags Mysterio up. Styles pulls on Mysterio with a chinlock but fans rally up. Mysterio endures, fights his way up, and elbows out. Mysterio runs but Styles follows through, only to get thrown out! Mysterio then wrecks Styles with a dropkick, and springboards for an ASAI MOONSAULT! Direct hit takes Styles down, but Mysterio also needs to recover. The ring count climbs and Champion’s Advantage is in play. Mysterio kicks Styles while he’s down, but here come the Good Brothers. Mysterio puts Styles in but is distracted, and Styles attacks with a forearm! Then he RAMS Mysterio into the post! Mysterio tumbles down as Raw takes one last break.
Raw returns once more as Styles has Mysterio down in a chinlock. The OC watch as Mysterio fights out with elbows. Mysterio throws haymakers then runs, but springboards into a dropkick! Cover, TWO! Mysterio still lives and The OC grow frustrated. Styles drags Mysterio up, whips him to ropes and slides him out to the floor! The ref tells the OC to stay back, and a new ring count begins. Mysterio is down as the count passes 5, but he gets up at 7. Mysterio gets in at 9.5! Styles grits his teeth as he puts Mysterio in a corner and CHOPS! Styles whips corner to corner, then runs in, but Mysterio dodges! Mysterio runs back in but gets a boot. styles is on the apron, but misses his forearm to get an enziguri! Down goes Styles, Mysterio slingshot sunset BOMBS Styles into barriers! Both men are down but fans fire up!
The ring count climbs up again as Styles and Mysterio stir. They reach the apron at 7, and are in at 9! They’re slowly rising but fans rally up. Mysterio and Styles trade forearms, Mysterio kicks, whips, but Styles reverses. Mysterio tilt-o-whirls to headscissor Styles! Styles puts Mysterio on the apron but Mysterio hits him away. Mysterio springboards, seated senton and a leg drop! Cover, TWO! Mysterio keeps his focus and fans rally up again. Mysterio whips Styles, Styles reverses, Mysterio springboards but gets caught, only to tornado DDT! Cover, TWO!! Styles survives and The OC is relieved. Styles is in the corner but Mysterio goes after him. Mysterio whips, Styles reverses, but Mysterio boots back. Mysterio runs and rolls, but into an inverted bomb! Both men are down again but the OC coach up Styles.
Styles drags Mysterio up, but Mysterio slips under and out to enziguri! Styles is on the ropes! The OC are worried as Mysterio dials it up, but Gallows takes the hit for Styles! And Anderson is up, only to get a dropkick! But Styles has Mysterio, USHIGOROSHI! Cover, TWO!! Mysterio survives the OC’s coordinated attack, and he trips Styles up top! Mysterio climbs up to join Styles, but the Super Steiner is blocked just enough! It takes a moment for Styles to reset, he has Mysterio for a POWERBOMB! And then, STYLES CLASH! But Randy Orton is here! He doesn’t touch Styles, though, he simply winks and slithers out. Styles drags Mysterio back up, but Mysterio cradles!! Mysterio wins!!
Winner: Rey Mysterio, by pinfall; still WWE United States Champion
The Viper didn’t care about the OC’s warning, he still showed up! And that keeps the title still with Rey Mysterio! What will AJ Styles have to say about Orton’s defiance?
A pretty good go-home to a TLC PPV that we didn’t have a lot of matches advertised. Granted, one match in particular from tonight was given away by the venue’s own advertisements. But I did like the route they took to getting to the WWE Women’s Tag Team match, Kabuki Warriors VS Man & Queen. Becky had a pretty good match with Asuka and Kairi, just as Charlotte, but it seemed WWE wanted to protect Becky in terms of win-loss by having it be a DQ finish. But I suppose a chair attack and then that truly insane table spot was the hint of what we were getting. The attack on Charlotte was also a nice touch. And whereas Corbin VS Roman is a TLC match of pinfall and submission victories, I would hope this TLC title match is where they have to climb the ladders. It would make for a great moment where Paige comes out to screw over Asuka and Kairi to help her original teammates of Team PCB.
Aleister and Murphy each won a pretty fun filler match just so each man has momentum going into their match at TLC. The math would say it could go either way, but I’m thinking Aleister wins. We got a great match out of Almas VS Carrillo, and Carrillo winning was great. Seeing tension and dysfunction between Almas and Vega would be a good twist in their overall story. McIntyre VS Hardy was pretty good, and between the Claymore to the face and using the word “broken” in his trash talk, I wonder if McIntyre will be the reason a truly more Broken Hardy returns. It may be the only way for Vince to keep the Hardy Boys actively wrestling in the WWE rather than AEW. Woken was a good try, but if the Hardys were allowed to go 100% with the Broken gimmick that fans were all hoping to get, it would help everyone out.
The Street Profits got a lot of good stuff tonight. It may have been a fast match with The Viking Raiders, but it was a good match, and it was good to see respect between the teams just like in NXT. I almost expected the Viking Raiders to stand their ground against Rollins but it seems with the OC’s promo, we’re heading back towards that rivalry, which is actually fine. And as always, Ford and Dawkins are hilarious, especially now in their segment that references SNL’s Weekend Update. They did pretty good in making jokes about everything else tonight, which of course included the “divorce proceedings” tonight. I think the only bad part of that was Lana’s over acting. She was of course going for “selfish celebrity having a meltdown,” but she was trying way, way too hard, and it just felt grating. And while I was hoping this would be a ladder match for those divorce papers, we get a Tables Match instead, which I suppose is fine, too. Especially since a ladder will be involved in the two different TLC matches in different ways.
It wasn’t confirmed but it was pretty obvious Rollins was going to be joining forces with the Authors of Pain. They went about it about as well as they could have, with the mysterious man in the back of the van being Rollins. Rollins’s promo after was pretty good, it furthers my belief that this is all in response to Rollins’s behavior and fan reception of it in real life. And after that beating, I expect Kevin to call upon the Street Profits to help him against Rollins and the AOP on the way to the Royal Rumble. Another interesting thing to come out of all this was that Sami is now a dual-brand star because he is acting as a “Liberator,” aka a manager, meaning Team Sami can expand. I don’t know if Mojo will want to be on Sami’s team after what happened, but there is potential for a Raw star to move up thanks to Sami helping him out.
We got a great main event out of Mysterio VS Styles, but it seems the time constraints almost got lost in it all. Thankfully they wrapped it up quick, but it was close. I wouldn’t be surprised if we hear between now and TLC that Styles and Orton have a match over this, but they could also escalate things to head towards the Royal Rumble. The OC wants to be golden like they were for a time as The Club, but I can’t be sure it happens any time soon. I’m also not entirely sure where Mysterio goes from here, unless the Orton-Styles story is also intertwined with the US Championship.
My Score: 8.5/10
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Mitchell’s WWE Raw Results & Report! (3/20/23)
Monday is ImPAULsive!
The Road to WrestleMania gets even bigger!
On the same night Roman Reigns returns to Raw, Logan Paul hosts a special edition of his talk show, with The Miz as special guest!
- Austin Theory VS Montez Ford; Theory wins.
- Omos w/ MVP VS Mustafa Ali; Omos wins.
- Dominik Mysterio w/ Damian Priest VS Johnny Gargano w/ Dexter Lumis; Dom wins.
- Chelsea Green & Piper Niven VS Asuka & Bianca Belair; win.
PLAY BY PLAY
Kevin Owens is here!
The fans fire up as the Prizefighter heads to the ring, but it turns out, he’s not alone! SAMI ZAYN is here, too! The best frenemies reunited on SmackDown, so they’re rolling together here on Raw! Fans sing Sami’s song and then cheer for “SAMI! SAMI!” Kevin says, “I think they like you.” Fans then chant for “KO! KO!” Sami says, “Sounds like they like you, too, pal.” Kevin appreciates them cheering, and Sami says it feels really, really, really good to come out here on the same page with Kevin again. And he didn’t get a chance to say this last week, but Sami says he gets it.
After Elimination Chamber, for weeks Sami came up to Kevin, talking about not being friends and working together, he had it wrong. He thought of it as a business transaction, and that’s not how they’ve done this. They’ve needed each other their whole careers, whether as friends or enemies, they’ve always used each other to get to the next level, and they did it as brothers. Kevin says Sami is right about that, but here’s something Sami might not understand. For 20 years, Kevin’s been Sami’s biggest fan. Whether fighting each other or fighting alongside each other, Kevin’s been Sami’s biggest fan. Whenever he would be asked who is the best wrestler he’s been in the ring with, he’d say Sami Zayn.
So for the last six months, it was frustrating to see Sami in the Bloodline, being held under Roman’ Reigns’ thumb, when the truth is, Sami is better than all of them! He outgrew the Bloodline right away! Kevin knew it, the Bloodline knew it, and the FANS knew it! Kevin couldn’t take seeing Sami stay under Roman. But Sami got through to Kevin, and Kevin realized it was time to get over that and take down the Bloodline together. Sami says they both know what comes next. They look to the WrestleMania sign! And here come the Usos! Jimmy & Jey glare right at Sami & Kevin, and they have mics of their own to speak their minds.
Fans boo but Jey says, “Look at ’em! You see what I see?” Jimmy sees ’em, Uce. That right there is a backstabber! Sami, what you whispering about? Kevin’s Sami’s biggest fan, they like you, too! You two are just gonna backstab each other! They’re the kind of family that cuts at each other’s throats! Sami says they’re gonna talk about family with cutthroats and backstabbers, we all know it is Jey’s dream to get back at Roman Reigns! Jimmy says Sami’s the only one dreaming! Wake up! The two of them staring at the Mania sign like something’s gonna happen there. Nothing’s gonna happen there. NOTHING!
Kevin says let’s just cut to the chase. We all know where this is going, what they’re thinking. And by the sound of it, the fans are thinking the same thing! There’s only one way to settle this, and only one place to do it: The Grandest Stage of Them All! Jimmy & Jey as brothers VS these brothers, Kevin & Sami, for the Undisputed Tag Team titles at WrestleMania! Fans chant “YES! YES! YES!” Jimmy says the Usos are the greatest team in the world! Kevin & Sami don’t deserve anything! They’ve been on the same page for three minutes. The Usos have been down since day one! There won’t be a title match at WrestleMania!
Jey says, “To be honest, though… This might be our one shot to put this, uh, Sami Zayn & Kevin Owens problem in the dirt. So yeah! Brother VS Brother at WrestleMania! WE ACCEPT!” In fact, why wait? The Usos rush the ring and the brawl is on! Kevin has Jimmy. Jey has Sami, but Jimmy POSTS Kevin and Sami TOSSES Jey! Jimmy then runs in to TOSS Sami! Sami throws hands, the Usos mug Sami, but Kevin CLOBBERS Jimmy into the timekeeper’s area! Now the Canadians mug Jey! They put Jey in the ring, Jey runs, into a SUPERKICK! And then Sami sets up, HELLUVA- NO, Jimmy bails Jey out!
Fans boo but the Usos regroup and grab chairs! But refs rush out, and a SUV pulls up backstage. The rest of the Bloodline arrives! Solo Sikoa & Paul Heyman get the door for the Tribal Chief, Roman Reigns! Kevin & Sami dare the Usos to do something, but the Usos retreat to regroup with the Bloodline. But the match is made all the same! Will the Bloodline stand or crumble in Hollywood?
Austin Theory VS Montez Ford!
The Now United States Champion didn’t like all the jokes made at his expense, and he took it out on Angelo Dawkins. But will he be able to do the same to the other half of the Profits? Or will A-Town go down this close to WrestleMania?
Raw returns and Ford makes his entrance. Dawkins sees him out to the ramp then falls back, as Ford did for Dawkins last week. The bell rings and Theory circles with Ford. Fans chant, “We Want The Smoke!” Ford and Theory tie up, Theory headlocks, but Ford powers up. Theory holds on tight, but Ford tries again. Ford gets free, but Theory runs him over! Theory does the running man then says, “All Day.” Fans boo but Theory talks trash on Ford. Ford ties up with Theory, headlocks back, but Theory powers out. Ford leaps over Theory, then CLOBBERS him! Fans fire up while Theory is dazed. Ford says, “You Can’t See Me!”
Ford stalks Theory, but Theory throws body shots and haymakers! Theory CHOKES Ford on the ropes! The ref counts, Theory lets off, but Theory storms up to bump Ford off buckles. Theory stomps away on Ford, the ref counts, but Theory lets off at 4. Fans boo but Theory soaks it all up. Theory then brings Ford up, but Ford turns things around and gives all those stomps back! Theory dodges the haymaker to kick and whip, but Ford reverses and follows to LARIAT! Theory stands, Ford clotheslines Theory up and out! Fans fire up, and Ford TOSSES Theory over the barriers! Fans fire up more as Ford celebrates with them and Raw goes to break!
Raw returns again and Theory has Ford up top, but Ford fights back with body shots! Ford ROCKS Theory, Theory holds onto ropes to stay up, but Ford CLAWS his face then DECKS him! Ford stands up to CROSSBODY! Both men are down and fans fire up! Theory and Ford stand, Theory storms up but Ford counter punches! And again! Ford rallies with big clotheslines, then he dodges to UPPERCUT! Ford hits a BIG back suplex, to a handspring, “You Can’t See Me!” STANDING MOONSAULT! Cover, TWO! Theory survives but Ford has the fans behind him. Ford waits on Theory to stand, and then clinches, but Theory elbows free!
Theory brings Ford in, Ford wrenches out and ROCKS Theory! Theory rebounds to BOOT! Ford ENZIGURIS in return! Theory staggers, but he still fireman’s carries! Ford slips free to DDT! Theory bails out and sputters, but Ford kips up to then FLY!! Direct hit at the ramp and St. Louis is thunderous! Ford puts Theory back in, climbs up the corner, and FROM THE HEAVEN- NO, Ford has to roll through as Theory moves! Somersault SHOTGUN! Theory calls his shot, fireman’s carries, A-TOWN DOWN!! Cover, Theory wins!
Winner: Austin Theory, by pinfall
One miscalculation from Ford and Theory pulls out the victory! But as close as this was, will Theory find himself struggling against the living legend that is John Cena?
Theory gets the mic to say, “He didn’t believe in me, and now he does. And John, you don’t believe in me. But at WrestleMania, you will!” Theory points to the sign, will WrestleMania belong to The Now?
The Bloodline regroups in the private suite.
The Usos sit with Roman, and he says that wasn’t the best start to the night. Are they good? They’re good. Well, it looked like they took a beating. Well, yeah, a few shots. But y’know what? Nothing can hurt Jimmy or hit him harder than being torn away from his brother. Nothing! And then having to sit here and answer to it like it’s his fault! Is Jimmy standing up to Roman? “I will never forgive Sami Zayn for this.” At Mania, the Usos got him. Roman sure hopes so. He really does. “Wise Man!” “Yes, My Tribal Chief?” “Bring me Adam Pearce.” “Yes, My Tribal Chief.” Heyman heads out, as do Jimmy and Solo, but Roman tells Jey to stay.
Jey sits closer with Roman now, but what will the Tribal Chief have to say to him?
Raw returns as Roman and Jey continue to sit.
Roman says, “It’s been a minute. Haven’t seen you. Haven’t heard from you. I got to beg your brother to get some answers. And now you’re back, making decisions. In order to make decisions, you gotta be part of the Bloodline. Are you with us? Are you Bloodline? Are you still my family?” Jey says he is with Roman. He is Bloodline, Uce. The two look at each other, eye to eye, and Roman says, “I hope so. So I’ma let you do you. I’ll see you later.” Jey nods and goes to stand up, but then Roman puts a hand on his knee. “I love you.” Jey goes, and Heyman returns. “My Tribal Chief.” “Yes, Wise Man?” “Did you find out the answers you were looking for?” Roman says yes.
BREAKING NEWS for WrestleMania!
As first announced on SmackDown, there will be two Fatal 4 Way Tag Team showcase matches! While the women’s division is competing for their spots, the four men’s teams are decided! The Street Profits VS The Viking Raiders VS The Alpha Academy VS Braun Strowman & Ricochet!
Backstage interview with Adam Pearce.
Byron Saxton is with the WWE Official, and asks for some insight about this showcase matches. Yes, this is a great opportunity to showcase the best tag teams in the men’s and women’s divisions, and- Chelsea Green asks to talk to the manager. Hi, Chelsea, it’s him, Pearce. Then Chelsea wants him to know that she just made matching gear for herself and her tag team partner, Carmella, but Carmella isn’t available tonight! Yes, he knows, so- So he’ll have no problem to agreeing to this new tag partner she found, someone who has no love lost for Bianca Belair and Asuka. In comes Piper Niven!
Chelsea introduces Piper, and says she will help Chelsea destroy the competition. Talk to whoever you have to in order to make this official. For what feels like the thousandth time, Pearce is the one. He is the general manager, he makes things official, and he- Well if he’s so official, then go ahead and make it official that these two are in the Women’s Fatal 4 Way Showcase! That’s what he was in the middle of doing! Oh! Finalizing? Do you know who she is?! She is Chelsea green, she is a star, and you do not want to make her angry. Don’t make her go on social media and at WWE to put her on blast. Or worse, walk him! Put her in! ‘Kay, bye.
Pearce sighs, but at the very least, Chelsea and Piper are going to see if they’re a worthy duo against the EST and the Empress of Tomorrow.
It’s a tale of the tape!
“WrestleMania has played host to some of the biggest collisions in WWE history. And this year, two titans are set for a colossal showdown.” Brock Lesnar has used his natural physical gifts for roughly 20 years. He is 6’3″ and 285 pounds, with a wingspan of 81 inches, Lesnar has the ultimate tools to deliver suplexes and the F5. So it is no surprise that he has achieved so many accolades: seven-time WWE Champion, three-time Universal Champion, two-time Royal Rumble winner. He even dominated the octagon to become UFC Heavyweight Champion. It is clear that Lesnar is capable of decimating anyone he’s faced.
But he’s never faced someone like Omos. The Nigerian Giant’s sheer size made him a spectacle upon arrival. 7’3″, 416 pounds, making him dwarf even Khali, Kane and the Undertaker. The 87 inch reach gives him a foot of advantage over the average boxer, and his 14.5 inch hands are twice the size of a normal man’s. Omos has already cemented himself as a force of nature in the WWE. These two have all the components to overwhelm the ordinary competitor, but they’re both far from ordinary. This will be a battle unlike any other, on the only stage big enough to contain them!
Omos w/ MVP VS Mustafa Ali!
If that tale of the tape wasn’t enough for you, then prepare to see the Nigerian Giant in action! Will the Beacon be broken this close to WrestleMania?
The bell rings and Ali tries to reason with Omos. Ali believes in positivity now, and he will win with a smile on his face. Omos SHOVES Ali all the way to the corner! Omos talks trash on Ali, then CLOBBERS him! Ali flounders and Omos roars. Dolph Ziggler is watching backstage, he is not impressed by Ali’s overenthusiasm. Omos drags Ali up to MOUNTAINTOP SLAM!! Cover, Omos wins!
Winner: Omos, by pinfall
MVP gets the mic and says the Nigerian Giant fears no man, animal or beast. But Brock Lesnar will learn to fear the Nigerian Giant at WrestleMania! But will The Beast be able able to build Suplex City on the huge foundation that is this mountain?
Security knocks on Logan Paul’s door.
Logan Paul and his entourage head out, and Miz walks over for a handshake. Miz was hoping to go over the questions for tonight, since Logan will surely want have him, this year’s host of WrestleMania, as his guest on ImPAULsive TV tonight. Yeah, no, hard pass. Logan leaves Miz hanging and heads to gorilla, but will he regret showing up on Raw tonight?
Logan Paul heads to the ring.
Fans are torn as “the Maverick” is ready to host the Raw debut of his talk show. “EY YOOO, ST. LOUIS~! Ladies and gentlemen, let’s get a little ImPAULsive, shall we?” Logan knows last week, Seth Rollins said that the fans don’t want Logan here. Well too bad because tonight, you’re in HIS house! ImPAULsive TV, baby! Boo all you want, but here’s the reality, y’all. He doesn’t have to be here. He doesn’t. He’s made his millions off his name and his brands, but he’s here because he loves it. He hears you, and sadly, y’all don’t love him. Maybe two people do: his dad, who he dragged to St. Louis, and that kid who had the “Drink Prime” sign. Much love, kid.
But the rest of y’all, no matter how many times he gets on the mic for their entertainment, no matter how many of these “superstars” he beats up, the fans will never respect him. But guess what? He doesn’t care! It isn’t his fault you DORKS refuse to see the amount of talent standing in front of you! Logan is a 360 degree entertainer, there is nothing he can’t do, there is no seat he can’t fill, there is no person on this roster he can’t compete with. Whether you like him or not, yes, he IS that good. That’s why he didn’t invite anyone to be his guest tonight. Because he can do it all! And did you think any of his celebrity friends would come to a place like St. Louis?
“Two words: Get real!” They’d be outta here quicker than the St. Louis Rams! Oh, sorry, the LA Rams! In fact, he’s looking to joining the Rams back in LA when he challenged “your hear,” Seth Rollins, to a match at WrestleMania, April 1st, Logan’s 28th birthday. Happy birthday to himself, he gets to kick some ass. But jokes aside, the match will be great. Rollins is top three in the business. But Logan was talking with his brother, Jake, and Jake made a good point. It is hard to be afraid of a guy named “Seth.” Seths are nice guys. Seth Rogan, Seth Curry, though he’s not as good as Steph Curry, but hey.
And maybe, if Rollins hadn’t started this beef, they could’ve been friends! But now, Logan just wants to see himself knock Rollins out again. Actually, can we do that? Can we get a replay of him knocking Rollins out? It was two weeks ago, Rollins gave Miz a superkick and then Logan hit his One Lucky Punch. Do you guys like Rollins? Let’s see that again. Oh, so good! Rollins looked so dumb. Okay, one more time! Put some production value on it. BOP! SMACK! WHAM! Beautiful! Like watching Picasso paint. Logan could see that all day! But then Logan’s mic gets cut? Logan isn’t sure what’s going on here. Did the production team not get the mics right?
Fans cheer that Logan can’t be heard, but he just trades mic. But wait! Rollins is in the production truck! He “apologizes” to “Mr. Paul” about that. He isn’t sure what’s wrong. Logan’s audio isn’t working, the video isn’t working. What could the problem be? HAHAHAHAHAHA! Now the real question, Logan, is how on Earth are we gonna save this terribly awful episode of ImPAULsive TV? Any ideas? OH! Rollins has one. HAHAHAHAHA! “BURN IT DOWN~!” See you soon, Logan! HAHAHAHA! Rollins struts all the way from the truck to gorilla, in a leopard print outfit, too. Logan mocks the fans singing as tone deaf.
Rollins heads to the ring and fans sing more, “OH~ OHH~ OHHHH~!” Logan says St. Louis can’t keep a football team and they can’t keep a tune. And Rollins’ outfit is stupid. Rollins stands with Logan in the ring as fans sing, has the mic, but then TACKLES Logan! The two brawl, spill out of the ring, and Rollins throws hands! Refs rush in, as does Adam Pearce! Fans want to “LET THEM FIGHT!” and the two get loose! They COLLIDE, and then Rollins TACKLES Logan over the announce desk! Logan scrambles away, but Rollins trips him on the desk!! Logan lands hard, Rollins wants more, but security drags him away!
Rollins rips up Logan’s set, and hurries up the corner! He SUPER CROSSBODIES onto the security! But Logan hits ONE LUCKY PUNCH!! Logan laughs more than Rollins and he takes his leave. Logan says that’s another one, so third time will be the charm. Will Logan get another lucky punch at WrestleMania? Or will Rollins finally burn this “tourist” down?
Dominik Mysterio w/ Damian Priest VS Johnny Gargano w/ Dexter Lumis!
“Ex-Con” Dom keeps pushing his father, Rey, to fight him, but Rey has not caved in. Will the “pathetic, punk-ass kid” take out his frustrations in this match tonight? Or will Johnny Wrestling slap some sense into one smartass before handling another at Stand & Deliver?
The bell rings and the two circle. They tie up, Dom gets around but Gargano wrenches to a wristlock. Gargano avoids the body shot to WRING Dom’s arm, then wrenches it again. Dom headlocks, Gargano powers out, and things speed up. Gargano hurdles, drops and CLOBBERS Dom! Dom flounders but Gargano puts him in a corner. Gargano climbs up to rain down fists! Fans count as Gargano goes WAY past ten! Gargano lets off and fans fire up, but Dom kicks Gargano in the ribs! Dom RAMS into Gargano in the corner, Gargano pushes past, but Dom whips him corner to corner. Dom runs in but Gargano goes up and over to schoolboy KICK!
Dom staggers, Gargano RANAS him out of the ring! Fans fire up, Gargano builds speed and DIVES! Direct hit at the ramp! Fans fire up but Gargano clutches his ribs. Gargano stands, Priest coaches Dom up, but Gargano brings Dom around. Dom RAMS Gargano into steel steps! Dom then RAMS Gargano into the barriers! Fans cheer Gargano on but Dom fireman’s carries to SNAKE EYES! Gargano falls to the mat and Dom soaks up the heat as Raw goes to break.
Raw returns and Dom taunts Gargano while tearing away the rib tape. Dom drags Gargano up, gives some Latino Heat, then suplexes for Uno Amigo! And then Dos Amigos! Fans boo but Gargano fights the third! Gargano suplexes Dom into buckles! Both men are down and fans rally up for Johnny Wrestling. Gargano stands, he fires hands on Dom, blocks a kick, then spins Dom to CLOBBER him! Gargano rallies with more clotheslines, then he ducks ‘n’ dodges to OVERHEAD Belly2Belly! Fans fire up and Dom goes to the apron. Gargano avoids the shoulder to KICK Dom! But Dom HOTSHOTS Gargano!
Dom hurries up to SLINGSHOT- NO, Gargano avoids the senton! SLINGSHOT SPEAR! Cover, TWO! Dom survives but Gargano keeps his focus. Dom wants mercy now? Fans boo and Gargano storms up, but Dom sends him into buckles! Roll up, feet on the ropes! The ref notices in time and calls off the count! Dom argues with the ref, but Gargano SUPERKICKS Dom down! Cover, TWO!! Dom survives and Priest is relieved. Gargano drags Dom up, Dom throws body shots, but Gargano ROCKS Dom with a forearm! Dom ROCKS Gargano back, the forearms go back and forth! Gargano gets the edge, but Dom drop toeholds him!
Fans boo but Dom dials it up, only for Gargano to duck the 619! DISCUS LARIAT! Scoop and LAWN DART! Gargano aims from the corner, SUPERKICK!! Cover, TWO!!! Priest is relieved again but Gargano puts Dom up top. Gargano CHOPS and ROCKS Dom, then climbs up after him. Gargano CHOPS away on Dom, then stands him up. Dom throws body shots in return just as furious! Dom CLUBS away on Gargano, then SUPER GOURD BUSTERS! Dom adjusts to FROG SPLASH onto Gargano’s back! Cover, DOM WINS!
Winner: Dominik Mysterio, by pinfall
Priest celebrates with Dom, and Dom pulls it out on an NXT Triple Crown winner! But Dom isn’t done, as he gets the mic. Fans boo, but Dom says, “Last Friday night on SmackDown, my good for nothing father denied my challenge once again to a match at WrestleMania. But you know what, Jefe? I’m not gonna stop until I get what I want. And at the end of the day, I know that this Friday night on SmackDown in las Vegas, the entire Mysterio family will be there live. So I believe that’s the same family that blocked my number, kicked me outta the group chat, and wanted nothing to do with me. But that’s okay, because the Judgment Day group chat is much better.
“But I think I figured out a way to get you to accept my match, and that’s gonna be when I say hi to mom and ask for her permission for you to face me at WrestleMania. That’s if you have the balls to get them out of her purse.” Dom insults his father, but will he regret dragging the rest of the family into this?
The Usos and Solo talk backstage.
Then Heyman walks over and asks if they’re waiting on the Tribal Chief. Because he’s waiting on them to go to the jet. The seafood has been delivered. Shrimp, lobster, mahi mahi. Roman is so proud of all of them, they can take the rest of the night off and indulge. So they can go eat? Okay! Wait, not Solo. Roman needs to talk with Solo. Solo walks back into the suite with Heyman, and Jey says aight. No mahi mahi for Solo. Will the Usos not be needed for what Roman has planned later tonight?
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Mitchell’s AEW Dark: Elevation Results & Report! (3/20/23)
Winnipeg gets Elevated!
The Naturally Limitless ride again!
Dustin Rhodes & Keith Lee continue as a duo in AEW! Will they be rolling through the tag division on Elevation? And what of Swerve’s warning to Keith?
- Skye Blue VS TFA (Taryn From Accounting); Skye wins.
- Jake Hager w/ Angelo Parker VS Adam Knight; Hager wins.
- Emi Sakura VS Zoe Sager; Sakura wins.
- Brandon Cutler VS Jason Geiger; Cutler wins.
- Six Man Tag: Matt Hardy, Isiah Kassidy & Ethan Page VS Massive Damage, Mo Jabari & Sebastian Wolfe; Hardy, Kassidy & Ethan win.
- Top Flight VS Michael Allen Richard Clark & Shaun Moore; Top Flight wins.
- ROH Women’s World Championship Proving Grounds Match: Athena VS Taylor Rising; Athena wins and denies Taylor a title opportunity.
- Dustin Rhodes & Keith Lee VS Levi Night & Jessie V; Dustin & Keith win.
- Tony Nese & Ari Daivari w/ Mark Sterling VS Alex Reynolds & John Silver; Reynolds & Silver win.
A great line-up, namely in some literally great names showing up. “Massive Damage,” “Taryn From Accounting,” and of course, Michael Allen Richard Clark. M A R C, he’s a MARK! I almost hope some of these names stick around through ROH.
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Let us know what you think on social media @ChairshotMedia and always remember to use the hashtag #UseYourHead!
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