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Andrew’s Judgmental Album Reviews: Ozzy Osbourne – Patient Number 9 (2022)

September has been the metal month so far, so time for the new album from the Prince of Darkness! Patient Number 9 is up in the JAR!

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So it’s definitely a weird last few years, where reports of his death were greatly exaggerated; but beyond that…he went from no new album since Scream (2010) to having 2 in a 3 year span.

He needs no introduction be you an old school music fan or a big fan of reality TV. My only complaint at first blush is, this is Ozzy’s 13th solo album…and he’s calling it Patient Number 9. I always find it pretty stupid when people put numbers in their album title that don’t coincide with a release date or the album’s place in the discography. That’s a personal gripe though, I can only hope this has a little more grit than Ordinary Man (2020). While it had a few decent songs, it generally felt like it ran out of steam early.

  • Artist: Ozzy Osbourne
  • Album: Patient Number 9 (2022)
  • Label: Epic Records
  • Total Track Time: 61:10

Patient Number 9 (feat Jeff Beck) well I think we can all admit, Ozzy’s had an unique voice forever but not inherently great. So the vocal tricks are noticeable, but it has a nice Mr. Crowley kind of vibe and it’s catchy. The rhythm guitar riff that drives the song is simple yet intoxicating and the chorus is easy to want to sing along to. Jeff Beck adds great rock and jazz phrasing through his playing that makes this a really enjoyable listen. The song is also about a mental patient, so typical darker Sabbath-esque themes, not a lot to dive into lyrically. Immortal (feat Mike McCready) now this shouldn’t surprise anyone that it sounds like a more modern Pearl Jam song, but with Ozzy singing. And since Mike McCready is the Pearl Jam guitarist, no one should be shocked there. While I find this…boring and typical radio rock (I also hate Pearl Jam, so that for what you will), it’s not offensive just inane. Parasite (feat Zakk Wylde) okay so now we get Zakk Wylde who’s been Ozzy’s guitarist since 1988 on a good portion of the catalogue. While the song takes a story telling approach like many of Ozzy’s songs, this feels too sparse. Musically it’s driven by a quick drum tempo, but it just doesn’t feel like it goes anywhere. While that works for the imagery; “Mother tried, But everything I do makes her wanna cry, Father, why?, Why are you haunting me every night like a parasite?”, as a song it feels like its spinning its wheels and its just an empty calories song. Still a small step up from the second song, but that’s not what I would call a high bar.

No Escape From Now (feat Tony Iommi) so the intro is this drowned/echoed haunting intro before we get the dark crunch of Iommi‘s guitar. This has a level of ominousness that gets amplified by the choruses lightening things while keeping the swirling feeling very relevant. The dark guitar tone is just creeping this song into glory though. Everything about the structure of the chorus instrumentation is great to bring up to the continued futility of the chorus. We even get a little of the classic Sabbath Blues influence about 2/3rds of the way through the song as we go from the bridge to last bit. One of Those Days (feat Eric Clapton) this has an interesting vibe to it. It’s Bluesy and fits the album well, but Clapton adds a brightness to his playing, which reinforces the imagery in a fun way for this song. In a song about losing your faith, Clapton’s guitar maintaining the beacon of hope, is very cool. “Hey, hey, have I lost my mind?, Killing myself but I never die, It’s one of those days that I don’t believe in Jesus, No, no, Hey, hey, have I lost control?, Drinking my sins, never drown my soul, One of those days that I don’t believe in Jesus”, that’s the chorus and it’s done with such an interesting, nearly folk melody, that it’s very ear wormy.

A Thousand Shades (feat Jeff Beck) okay well I’ve never thought Ozzy did ballads well, so no matter how good the guitar playing is; that won’t save this song. The metaphors are tired, his voice isn’t what I would call “soothing” or “reassuring”; so yeah, this is pathetic. Mr. Darkness (feat Zakk Wylde) so the opening starts acoustic and made me think I put on some Baltimora. But when the vocals kick in, we’re in this weird mid tempo fan perspective song about this “Mister Darkness”. The chorus changes the tempo too abruptly. I don’t really know what to say about this song, aside from, I don’t like it at all. It’s like he took a fan letter and turned it into a song, and it’s just…cringe. Nothing Feels Right (feat Zakk Wylde) thankfully this isn’t a ballad like I initially thought. This is a slower tempo reflective song about depression and suicidal thoughts. The music is just driving enough to amplify points in the song and give off the desperate perception. It’s very well done and I like the way the chorus flows; “I’ve been calling out for someone, Mouth around the gun, Nothing feels right, Nothing feels right, All the pain gets trapped in my lungs, Drowning in my blood, Nothing feels right, Nothing feels right”.

Evil Shuffle (feat Zakk Wylde) I can’t take this song seriously. The title sounds like something Laszlo would’ve written in What We Do In The Shadows. I feel like fans of Ozzy will like this song because its catchy, slightly entertaining and has most Ozzy staples…but it’s stupid. Evil Shuffle is like Freddy, Michael Myers and Pinhead playing shuffle board in the evil retirement home. I mean the sheer stupidity of the title makes me overlook the fact that musically the song is fine, but the title is for babies. Degradation Rules (feat Tony Iommi) well you can tell when it’s a Tony song because the tuning comes down to that nice Sabbath darkness. At least the sophomoric aspect of this song is hidden beyond the title, and its simplicity makes it less annoying. It’s a very groovy and simple song about a kinky dude who likes to masturbate a lot. So it’s not gonna solve world hunger or cause a giant think tank for the smartest philosophers of our time…but it’s amusing, especially the little RedTube plug at the end.

Dead and Gone is a song I haven’t found a ton to say. It’s very melodic and radio rock, but not inherently bad. I’m surprised it wasn’t the lead single since it has that catchy, yet forgettable, air about itself. So I’ll say its a serviceable song, but I’m not really compelled to care one way or another. God Only Knows has a very somber tone without being an outright ballad. Feels more like a King’s X song than Ozzy Osbourne song. But I do enjoy the chorus; “God only knows what’s going on, My life has become the saddest song, Better to burn in hell than fade away, fade away, God’s looking down on what we’ve done, Watching the children play with guns, Better to burn in hell than fade away, fade away”; taking the control out of his hands while also playing with the Neil Young line of “It’s better to burn out than fade away”. This does have a similar problem to Dead and Gone though, where it’s not bad but; it is very much forgettable. Darkside Blues even though it’s a less than 2 minute little outro, it starts with heavy Bayou Blues instrumentation. I definitely love the little Blues elements that Ozzy peppered in this album and got mostly the correct guitarists.

I think it’s pretty much obvious that this album is better than Ordinary Man (2020) but not by as much as others are saying. There are still a few worthless songs, empty calories, stupid concepts and overall generic sounding songs that will never be remembered by anyone who isn’t a die hard Ozzy fan. Counting the outro is 13 songs, I can say there’s at least 8 good to great songs on this album. Plus I can also say the really great songs like Patient Number 9 and No Escape From Now help to even out some of the garbage.

Therefore, it’s not a bad album. It’s not fantastic, but it’s definitely serviceable and a step in the right direction.

 

Final Judgment: 6.05/10


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Mitchell’s Hyrule Puro-Resu News Report! (12/1/22)

Get ready for New Year’s Eve!

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HPW News 2022

The Celebration of Greatness is set!

With Fyter Feast sorting things out, we’re ready now for HyruleMania 3! Get ready for the who, what, where and when of the Celebration of Greatness!

 

HyruleMania 3: December 31st, 2022!

As is the tradition, this incredible event will close out the year on New Year’s Eve! And it’ll be in the Hyrule Great Forest, right in front of the Great Deku Tree!

 

Look at all the title matches!

For the HPW Death Mountain Championship:

Torbevito prepares to defend against FOUR opponents in the third-ever Death Mountain Championship Ladder Match! The Son of the Whirlpool will have a Desert Flower, the Twilight Princess, the Living Blade, and the God of Woodfall. Two years in a row, a new champion has been crowned through this match. Will history repeat itself? Or will Torbevito find a way to break the streak and survive into the new year?

For the HPW Trios Championships:

After making it through the massive Three By Four match, it will be the Dames of the Dunes taking on the Arrow Club’s Bad Croc Scaly & The Young Ducks! Tali, Buliara & Riju want revenge for the All or Nothing Quartet match, but the Arrow Club says if they beat ’em once, they can beat ’em again! Will the Celebration of Greatness become a #SuperQUACKParty? Or will the Gerudo Alliance bring home gold?

For the HPW Termina Championship:

The Arrow Club took a lot from the Gerudo Ace, but he looks to take something back from them. Ganondorf may not be all that humble, but he looks to humble Fin Balure while becoming HPW’s first Triple Crown Champion! Will history be made to close out the year?

For the HPW Goddess Championship:

It is an epic tiebreaker between Princess of Hyrule and Sorceress of Shadows! Veran is the only person to have pinned Zelda in the almost two YEARS she’s been champion, but then lost in the rematch. Now we have the trilogy aligning with the Celebration of Greatness, where we will see who is truly the greatest in the Women’s Division! Will Zelda continue this reign of dominance? Or will Veran return to her former glory?

And of course, for the HPW Triforce Championship:

The Hero’s Shadow shed blood, sweat and tears, and even drew blood from his brother, Link, to keep this title. He has proven ruthless in the ring, but he might be facing the only person who can match him. Igos du Ikana is cold and heartless, and not just because he’s a skeleton. He has held the TCW Championship, the predecessor of the Termina Champion, which Igos helped introduce to HPW. Now he aims for Kage’s throne. Fiery rage colliding with cold-blooded calculation, something has to give.

 

G͘̕͢҉U͝E̸̡̢S͏͘S͢ ̵̴͘͡W͜H̡҉͏Ó̀

Guess Who, part 1

I̶’̷d̵͡ ̢̀I̷̢̧’͜͢͢d̸́ I’d say your c҉h̷͜͞a͝҉͟  chances ą͡r̵͟͜e͏̵̨̛͢ are a million to none!
But let’s have f̢͠u̢͟ņ f̢͘u͘҉n̵ fun anyway!

HyruleProWrestlingFaction FacesofEvilGIF

 

But wait, there’s more!

Humpback Hook Halibut releases a statement.

“After the brawling that persist after Fyter Feast’s main event, there is a lot of tension in the men’s locker room that we cannot allow to continue. Firstly, the issue of the Dark Forces and the UnderWorld Order. It is clear all of the faction members being present is a recipe for disaster, so we must limit this to a one-on-one match. This will be Gibdo VS Gibdo to name the one and only Gibdo in HPW! There will be a ringside ban on all other members between the Dark Forces and uWo, or else there will be indefinite suspensions. This is your only warning.

“As for the other brawl between Groose and Skull Kid… That shall be handled in its own way. There will still be a ringside ban, and this will apply to Tingle and Ladrona as Groose’s tag partners. But more than a ringside ban, this will be settled with something very special for HyruleMania: Hair VS Mask! If Groose loses, his pointy red pompadour will be buzzed off his head. But if Skull Kid loses, he must stop wearing that strange, heart-shaped mask. There will be no count outs and no disqualifications, there must be a winner inside that ring! And I wish them both the best of luck.”

HUGE grudge matches made for the Celebration of Greatness! Who will be the Gibdo of All Gibdos? Will Groose end up a bald eagle? Or will Skull Kid be forced to show his face?


My Thoughts:

I may be wasting a lot of good match intro ideas with this article, but as I needed to announce the grudge matches that are going to fill out the card, I figured I should also hype up the established matches. And if you’re wondering about that “Guess Who/Face your FOE” thing, just wait and see. And yes maybe it is a bit Bray Wyatt White Rabbit but whatever, I’ve already copied a lot of other stuff from wrestling in the real world.


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New Force Order – A Star Wars Podcast: Rip Don Winkle

Is Yoda legitimately dyslexic? That and many more hard hitting questions answered on this edition of New Force Order!

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New Force Order Episode 170

Is Yoda legitimately dyslexic? That and many more hard hitting questions answered on this edition of New Force Order!

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Spiro went back to Exegol so it’s just a drunk Doc and a sleepy GGP tonight. We go in depth to break down the Disney+ Tales of the Jedi series. The acolyte begins filming and KK has a ball gag shoved into her mouth about announcing new films. Is Lost writer Damon Lindelof headed to Star Wars? Is Yoda legitimately dyslexic? Filoni compares the new Ashoka series to a classic Japanese movie. On who’s more over it’s a master/apprentice battle! Count Dooku and Qui Gon Jinn vs Darth Maul and Darth Sidious. Which duo is more over and why!?

All this and more on this weeks NFO episode! As usual email us at newforceorder@yahoo.com.

About the New Force Order

A Star Wars Podcast by the fans and for the fans. GGP, Doc and Spiro deliver a in-depth weekly news and review show on all stars wars related content.

About the Chairshot Radio Network

Launched in 2017, the Chairshot Radio Network presents you with the best in sports, entertainment, and sports entertainment. Wrestling and wrestling crossover podcasts + the most interesting content + the most engaging hosts = the most entertaining podcasts you’ll find!

Featuring shows such as Bandwagon Nerds (entertainment & popular culture), The DWI Podcast (Drunk Wrestling Intellect), The Greg DeMarco Show (wrestling), The #Miranda Show (wrestling and entertainment), Chairshot Radio Hockey Talk, Patrick O’Dowd’s Chairshot Radio 5×5 (pop culture), PC Tunney’s Chairshot Bets (Sports), Down The Wire (Sports), Lucha Central Weekly (wrestling & lucha libre), Talk The Keki (Anime), The Mindless Wrestling Podcast, and more!


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New Force Order Episode 170


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