#FAKENEWS Top 5: Wrestlers Who Will Save Us From Catastrophe

In case of a catastrophic event, like aliens, mutant tigers, an eternity of Bayley promos – whatever living hell you can imagine, the world will need a hero. So I’ve spent countless hours combing through the history of wrestling, trying to find the best man or woman for the job.

You may be wondering; how does one quantify poise and leadership via results of a scripted athletic display? Well, I guess it’s time for you to sit back, grab a bucket of churros or deep fried Oreos, and be amazed at the historical accuracy of this list.

5. Godzilla/Angel/Kaiju Attacks

Now, why is this only number 5 you may ask? Well, there’s tons of big monster movies, the formula for defeat is known, they aren’t exactly special anymore.

For this we call upon the man who invented Gundams himself, Chico el Luchador.

You see, he invented actual Gundams in 1979 and shipped them to Japan so they could make an anime to throw humanity off the scent. The concept for the show and robot came to Chico in a fever dream, where he imagined his grandfather, Chico Gran Classico, as a member of the Kaiser’s WW1 army, whilst still wearing his mask.

Japan decided to model Char Aznable after this thought, but dyed his clothes and gimmick red, once again, as a way to detract people (fun fact: also where the phrase “red herring” came from, thank Chico for that).

4. Zombie Apocalypse

Again, so many iterations, we already have a few ideas for victory.

This one would be the most accurate wrestler in the history of space and time! No, it’s not Killshot, don’t give me that “He’s a Sniper” crap, you sit down and learn. The only man who’s never done a job and been perfect since his childhood…is Chico el Luchador.

He was a wrestling prodigy, broke Black Jack Mulligan’s White Castle record, what makes you think he can’t shoot?

Didn’t you know he invented the Triple Churro and Burrito Bowl in a pinata match? Long before ladders were introduced into our beloved sport, Chico devised an idea to hang a prize above the ring. So thanks do his Arena Mexico days, he learned of pinatas, and his love of the Biathlon inspired him to add rifles.

So the concept was simple, first one to grab the rifle, shoot down the pinata and claim either the 3 churros or burrito bowl, would be the winner of the match. Chico had 5 (cinco) straight victories, until one night, he shot down the pinata and it broke apart at the feet of Gordita Furiosa, the manager of many Rudo luchadors, exoticos and luchadoras. In her genius, she inhaled the contents of the pinata once it broke apart, thus causing a no contest.

Soon after, she passed away due to dehydration after an epic case of explosive diarrhea, so sadly, the match was outlawed in 1983 (Another fun fact: Chico told this story to the creators of Mad Max, so they created the Imperator Furiosa character in memory of this match).

 3. Ancient Chinese Magic Causes Big Trouble in Little Earth

Kurt Russel may have trucker hats and being a sidekick with a lot of screen time down to a science. But that wouldn’t fly nowadays.

The best way to fight magic, is to find someone who’s life mirrors that of magical mystery. So I give you, our Jack Burton of the new age: Chico el Luchador!

You won’t need a girl with green eyes, when you got the man in green tights (not Misawa)! We all have seen Chico’s ability in the ring, as well as, his fantastic business acumen. It’s all thanks to him being born in a Canadian Chamber of Secrets. It was like the Hart family Dungeon, but under a staircase, filled with cheese curds and Quebec Nordiques games on repeat.

So he broke out of his chamber thanks to being able to pick a lock with his tongue after licking so many stamps for postage (get it, it’s a parcel tongue joke, shut up, I’m funny). Defeated his evil capture by kicking his nose off and fleeing to Mexico, but stopping in Los Angeles due to a bad transfer.

Along the way, he learned to live, love, laugh, and shoot lightning bolts from his forehead (a skill he repressed in fairness to everyone else).

So Chico, is basically Harry Potter, not sure how J.K. Rowling learned of these things though since England is for nerds, but Harry Potter can beat Ancient Chinese magic easily.

2. Alien Invasion

I won’t even mislead you this time, it’s Chico el Luchador.

He has seen every X-Files episode, had a cameo in Mars Attacks and has an easy answer.

When I asked him about his plan, he very simply said, ” I would show them Battlefield Earth”.

We all know, any intelligent life form would either commit mass suicide or at the very least turn around and rethink life. Chico has all the answers, he’s basically a luchador 8-ball.

1. Bullet Club Breaks Up

Possibly the most catastrophic event looming over humanity. Is it plausible? Is Bullet Club Fine?

If Cody is unable to repair the frayed ties of the Bullet Club, who else can do it? Kenny Omega? No, he’s too busy getting back together with his ex-boyfriend. Doesn’t he know once they’re an ex, they should stay an ex? Prince Devitt? Nope, he died in the Bermuda Triangle while throwing up the “Too Sweet” sign.

-Chico my friends-

Chico el Luchador can save them. His savvy business skills, their idolization of him, and all things Bullet Club are a copy of his old stable in AAA, Cuchillos de Baile aka Dancing Knives. Real men wield the steel instead of guns, and people like to dance at the club. So Bullet Club is just white washing Cuchillos de Baile.

The dulcet tones of his voice, would soothingly narrate a Bullet Club origin movie, and while you’re enjoying the show, you’ll be falling in love with him and Bullet Club all over again. Golden Lovers? No way, Chico Lovers. Chico is love, Chico is life.

Todos podemos aprender algo de Chico. El mundo es mejor porque él es nuestro héroe. Además, mi conjugación para español es terrible.

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