CheapShots: Impact Quickie #4

Cheap Shots are unfiltered, uncensored opinions, and those opinions reflect only the author!

Mad Man currently chillin’ out at home. It’s time for me and my robot friends to hurl darts and insults at Anthem through Orlando and the live claymation circus that is Impact Wrestling. One minute deep, PC Little Dragon quips: “Look, a live action Raid commercial!” Barring random indie bookings, American fans of the art form no longer must put up with The Human Cockroach who impersonates tequila. Because of the termination of a disgrace to Mascaras’ legacy, the Main Event of Redemption needed a quick change. Thankfully, Impact found one at WrestleCon last week. Champion Austin Aries will face Pentagon Junior and Fenix. Both Lucha Underground athletes tore it up in a Triple-Threat with The Golden Vegan. Why not do it again in a pinch? Not bad for short notice.

We begin the main Florida portion of the show with an in-ring promo. If there is a bigger ego than Aries on The Impact Roster, it belongs to Eli Drake. Like the champ, it is completely justified with solid heel work and great mic skills. Although, there is a small hole in his arrogance. How can you show a dude getting crushed at WrestleCon if he is your top heel in possession of two briefcases? Meanwhile. Drake starts rehashing his plot to acquire them. Periodically, he stops to hold a mirror up to sheepish obnoxiousness. AI Hercules says: “I agree, marks can be sheep and at times, much dumber than they think.”

Amid this, we are told by commentators that Drake has found a tag partner, enabling him proper use of one of the cases. No one knows who it is yet. Before Eli spits it out, he is interrupted by the music of Konnan and LAX. The OG Lucha says his boys don’t believe Drake could find a partner, and they demand to know his identity. The Self-Imposed Hyphen had bailed up the ramp upon LAX’s arrival. He was still visible with the mic and told Konnan that he has dealt with this person many times before.

My Electronic Intelligence and I were thinking Hernandez. Sadly, there was no Super Mex, DAMMIT! The boys nearly fried their circuits. “HAM CUBE?” They each appeared mystified. AI Hercules asked: “Over 50 years old, why does Scott Steiner need THIS paycheck right now?” PC Little Dragon chimes in: “He could barely move ten years ago, he damn sure can’t move now!” I was stunned, not only was Scott a member of a GREAT tag team. He was arguably the best in-ring American athlete of his generation. I am legitimately hoping this is not an Owen Hart situation for The Walking Steroid. Sincere apologies for the dark memories. As a parachute, no one in the artform right now; except for John Cena, can match promos with Konnan. If you try, you will lose. Top ten all-time!

Our first contest of the evening finds Sami Callahan accompanied by the rest of the Ohio Funhouse. The Buckeye Boys were taking on Moose. This has gotten personal in a hurry thanks to the former football player’s relationship with Eddie Edwards. Initially, it was a good fight, until we all noticed something. PC Little Dragon verbalized what we were thinking. “Why does it look like they are copying each other’s moves?” This began to feel very odd.

“…They are both decent, and one’s a very good athlete. Why are they doing this?” AI Hercules asked.

My only explanation was they were killing time. The contest ended after OVE jumped in the ring and attacked Moose. Of course, Callahan brought out the baseball bat. Even as big as Moose is, he’s not winning that battle 3-on-1. This prompts a still vulnerable Eddie Edwards to run to the ring and start swinging. Eventually, our friends from Ohio immobilize him. Did I say someone was vulnerable? Out comes Eddie’s wife. Please stay in the back or advance the storyline. Thank God they chose the latter because this was getting uncomfortable fast. In unison: “Lights Out? Who??” If they hadn’t done the video package for WrestleCon earlier, I wouldn’t have known Tommy Dreamer was a suit for impact! Lights come back on: “It’s The Innovator of Violence with a kendo stick!” Screams AI Hercules. The Hardcore Legend says he draws the line at attacking a man’s wife. A 6-Man Hardcore Rules Match. Edwards, Moose & Dreamer vs. OVE & Callahan at Redemption. LET’S FINISH IT! “ECW, ECW, ECW!”

That was intense. PC Little Dragon says he needs a nap. I told him not to worry, one was almost imminent. Josh Matthews has been talking trash about Petey Williams all night. An alleged match between the two was scheduled. It wasn’t a match. “I would rather see James Ellsworth in there, and he makes me hurl!” AI Hercules shakes his head. I can’t say that I disagree with him. We know this device is meant to stall and get to Redemption. Doesn’t make it necessary. Why is someone no bigger then me repeatedly allowed to “compete” in the ring while non-fans laugh at us? Send in the carpenters and keep those who have never done anything but talk and read scripts OUT!

Cut backstage and Johnny Impact is doing a promo on Jimmy Jacobs’ lack of professionalism in terms of letting him do this half of his job. PC Little Dragon smirks, “Excuse me Johnny All Names? I like you, but this is Professional Wrestling, correct?”

Dragged Out Disco Inferno and his Giant Stutter continue their pattern of antagonism and interruption. Johnny says he is tired of the disrespect. He will be in the ring next week if Jacobs and Kong are interested in continuing this discussion. Guessing the talk will be over at that point.

After the segment, a 6-Man Tag had been building from weeks of KM and The Cult of Lee bullying Fallah Bahh and Richard Justice at various indie shows. Big Bad Tyrus had been watching this from afar and was in no mood to take it. He joined them to take the heels down a notch. Justice squashed two dudes with a clothesline off the apron. The Philippine Giant went over with his version of a Bonsai Drop. Honestly, I hope the writers at Impact find a good program for Fallah Bahh. I’d like to see something interesting for him.

Recess to close the show when The Demon Assassin had a showdown with The Queen of Valhalla in a glorified TLC Match the leader of The Hivelings calls “The Demon’s Dance.” It was a very physical match because these two know each other’s tendencies so well. I was slightly surprised there was no color involved. Rosemary got the win, giving Taya Valkyrie a piledriver from the second rope. I’m not sure if it was a bad camera angle or a bad idea. Rosemary has a unique in-ring history with injuries. I could tell that she took the bump for Taya. Good thing she’s a pro, because Su Yung is coming.

Overall, my boys and I think it was a solid show. We will see everyone soon.