CheapShots: Shakedown, Breakdown, Let’s Bust ’em Up Twice

Cheap Shots are unfiltered, uncensored opinions, and those opinions reflect only the author!

Quick New England turnaround in the big bird as we hit the Capitol city of the smallest state in the country. So much for thinking Round 2 of The Superstar Shakeup would be less insane because SmackDown Live is a shorter show. Once again. passengers are instructed to grab their oxygen masks and take a deep breath. Air sickness bags won’t be required. Tuesdays tend to make more sense at this circus. Show starts as AJ Styles’ music hits. The WWE Champion is frustrated. Who wouldn’t be after repeated shots to the little rocks? The Phenomenal One wants a fight. His request is answered, but The Artist Formerly Known As is nowhere in sight. Instead, it’s Rusev Day. A match between Styles and The Lion of Bulgaria ends in a schmoz when Aiden English jumps AJ to avoid a quick finish. A 2-on-1 attack leads Daniel Bryan to make the save.

Shakeup craziness starts when Shelton Benjamin comes out solo. Chad Gable has moved to Raw. More on that as necessary. Brock’s college buddy cuts a heel promo on his former partner while asking for “big competition”. Okay Shelton, can you handle a Viper? Except, Randy Orton and his music are hijacked half-way up the aisle. It’s Jeff Hardy, and my Seth Rollins to SmackDown prediction was DEAD wrong. Jeff was sent to RAW to bring The United States Championship back to Tuesdays. Just Creative making sure smart marks are still clueless sometimes, nice swerve!

In a slight bit of strangeness, Orton looked on from the ramp without getting involved. Benjamin is a veteran ace, but there is no way Vince was giving him Gold last night. It was a solid match. The Charismatic Enigma won clean with A Twist of Fate & Swanton Bomb. Betting Cowboy Bob’s Kid will continue lurking in the weeds assuming Hardy gets passed Jinder Mahal in the desert. For once in your obnoxious life; Vinnie, don’t turn this into a triple-threat when it isn’t necessary. Otherwise you’ll add more credence to my Mahal/Carmella comparison.

We have now entered the squash portion of the program. Although Superstar Shakeup goosebumps for most smart marks and sheep would return shortly. First, there was a singles match between Harper and Jey Uso with each man’s partner at ringside. This was over quickly. Harper went over. Intensity did not dissipate after the bell as Jey was knocked unconscious. The Bludgeon Brothers then turned their brutality to Jimmy, tossing him easily around the outside. The Samoan’s painful exodus halted at the ring steps. The ginormous Tag Team Champions threatened to squash his head with a mallet. Fourth Wall Alert: This brought a freaked-out Naomi from the back to protect her husband. Luckily, the monsters showed some mercy and left. Good luck finding a team to take The Gold off of them.

Next in-ring action finds Hunico waiting for opposition. For blind marks and other sheep. There’s only been ONE Sin Cara! The real deal is apparently competing for a top promotion in Mexico. In the current art form: only Rey Mysterio EVER moved on the same wavelength. Unfortunately, The Faceless One is the closest thing I’ve seen to a human piñata. It’s hard to perform in The American Style; acrobat or not, if you are constantly injured. Even though Vince is clueless in terms of handling his kind of talent, WWE fans were blessed they blinked long enough to see him. Guessing my passengers weren’t expecting to find that soapbox in cargo. Please stand by as we return to The Superstar Shakeup. The knockoff was ready to be a carpenter for…. Samoa Joe! Joe beat him in under five mins. leaving the rest of the fighter’s time for a promo. C’mon Joe; please don’t have a heart attack while holding a microphone. Don’t forget to breathe. If he can stay healthy, this could be fun. Otherwise, I am shoot scared for him.

Cut backstage: Rene Young is interviewing Daniel Bryan. She asks him why he helped AJ Styles. The American Dragon says he respects The Champ. During his three-year fight, Styles’ name was at the top of his list of potential matches upon his return. Suddenly, Daniel stops mid-sentence and looks up. Rene stops, slowly pointing the mic upward. First, we don’t see a face, but the physique is unmistakable. We haven’t seen Big Cass since his knee injury months ago. “This is what all the hype is about?” This just got good!

In a pathetic reminder of Stamford stupidity, sheep are taken from Incredible potential to an unnecessary waste of space with The Mellabration. Thankfully, The Fake Wrestler was interrupted by Charlotte. Given the level of last week’s Down Under beatdown, I was shocked. Slowly, Second Nature came to the ring, poking holes in Carmella’s Kleenex. Bringing up the mugging from last week. Even mentioning a certain chinless freak! PREACH! The Iconics came out to interrupt things; recapping the assault and congratulating Blondie Circus on wasting time. The Sexy Koalas tried to press repeat on last week until Becky Lynch ran down for backup. One of The Aussies made her competitive debut. It was Billie Kaye. She was impressive, but give Charlotte prep time, and any girl’s in trouble. Kaye tapped out to The Figure Eight with Peyton Royce at ringside; and Carmella looking bored at the commentary table. About as bored as me watching her steal money. Bell rings, heels jump Charlotte and Becky 3-on-2. Who did The Superstar Shakeup send to make the save? The Rising Sun Mystic! At even strength, the arrogant heels left in serious pain.

Main Event time! After the Rusev/Styles contest ended with a run-in from Aiden English, our new GM had to do something. With a better bounce than Teddy Long EVER had, Paige makes the obvious tag match between Styles & Bryan and Rusev Day. The match was good for just over ten minutes before The Artist Formerly Known As came through the crowd. At this point, AJ Styles wishers he was a Mounds instead of an Almond Joy. Not to mention, Big Cass ran in and kicked Daniel Bryan’s head off! No parrot should put a microphone in Shinsuke Nakamura’s face. He’s not gonna answer you! Alright Pale Rider, find two baby faces and make the 8-man tag match next week. That show was a pin ball game. I can certainly see why a ton of fans think SmackDown Live made out better than RAW with The Superstar Shakeup. However, my heart will always be where I can find Mercedes. I will see my passengers in St. Louis next week. Safe travels everyone!