CheapShots: Mad Man’s Impact Quickie #9

Cheap Shots are unfiltered, uncensored opinions, and those opinions reflect only the author!

Festivities in Orlando kick off with a normalizing Josh Matthews and a contest for Impact Tag Team Gold. Eli Drake brought Scott Steiner back this week. At first, he was a curiosity and name to bring the company some exposure throughout a week of shows in New Orleans. Wanna bring him in? Gotta give him a strap. Due to the overflowing garbage last week, I didn’t get a good feel for his current skills. That’s because they have severely diminished. Opponents for the transitional champions? Andrew Everett & DJZ. These boys have been through a myriad of injuries, including a life-threatening issue for Mr. House Music. The match itself was not bad with The Self-Induced Hyphen in the ring. Ham Cube on the other hand? He is multiple steps slow and if he couldn’t cut his unpredictable promos, no organization would have use for him. Predictably, the honeymoon between Drake and Steiner was short. The above description may have given away the outcome. Thanks to a misplaced namesake of this website, there are New Tag Team Champions in Impact Wrestling.

Cut backstage and we see Grado holding the X symbol of the unknown attacker. Like an idiot, The UK Dork accuses Jimmy Jacobs and Kongo Kong of perpetrating these events. Jacobs says his Monster doesn’t need to do such things. As if the nerd’s foot wasn’t already in his mouth, his “girlfriend” Winter finished the job by challenging The Giant Stutter to a match. Yes, you Impact Tools, I’m using her other name. Contrary to what some of my readers may think, I have a sense of humor. When something borders on painful, I have no reason to laugh. That’s what Grado’s character feels like to me. The match was filler. The girlfriend was gone before her self-appointed victim was scraped off the canvas. Thank God Moose ran out to do away with this foolishness. Of course The Dragged Out Disco backed his heavy away from a real fight.

Recess is next as we bring in Madison Rayne to talk Knockouts! It has been years since most fans have seen the former TNA competitor over the airwaves. She was a consistent heel during her previous run. Still, Impact is not afraid to be innovative in certain areas. If this is a permanent alteration, it will be nice to hear the feminine perspective during these segments. I strongly doubt that possibility. I’ll get to why I think that shortly. Kiera Hogan wanted a shot to wake up The Horsewoman. Problem was, Ms. Blanchard was never asleep. The Girl on Fire acquitted herself well in spots, but who’s getting the justified gigantic push here? Tessa’s attitude and ability were too much. A victory was not satisfaction enough for the newest Knockout. She wanted to send a message to the locker room. Hogan’s excessive punishment brought Rayne out from studio commentary to the ring. Tully’s Daughter bailed after taking a tiny bit of her medicine. Sadly, this will not be an even fight when it happens. It would be interesting if it could be turned into one somehow. Madison may get an active roster spot from this, but she is taking the Mickie James role. Good worker, no gold. My feeling is, she was brought in to pad Tessa’s resume. If I’m wrong I can walk.

We know Brian Cage is a freak. This week, he was playing lawn darts with a Rust Belt Cruiserweight in Canada, Dude is beyond strong and has multiple ways to finish an adversary. This quality in a performer feels exceedingly rare. The overwhelming majority of those in the profession are given one finish and work toward it in every instance. There are usually false finishes somewhere on a competitive resume. This hasn’t been the case with The Machine because he has at least three finishers. After having some fun, Cage gave his target practice at least two bumps that looked like they could shoot hospitalize someone, he used a maneuver called Weapon X to collect another pelt. He gets back to The Impact Zone, everyone may be on borrowed time.

Alright, time for the dentist’s office. Dammit, wasn’t I just here? Anybody have any laughing gas? Deep breath, Eddie Edwards and Sami Callihan were under one roof because goofs in Orlando are mirroring their own storyline and acting like crazy stalkers. The roof was Tommy Dreamer’s House of Hardcore. The camera angles sucked. Why do 90% of indie shows have to feel like they happen in my former apartment’s garage? Lighting anyone? I don’t even think either man bladed, which is pointless in a match like this. Edwards won in less than ten minutes and none of it matters because Edwards said so. Looks like someone called this weeks ago. Why do execs in the art form keep coming off as more sheepish than the rest of us? Unfortunately, the extraction is not complete. I will not report on the next vignette because Rosemary is not dead.

Main Event time! This Week it was a tag team encounter highlighting two major Championship Defenses in two weeks at the next television special. Matches break down as follows: X Division, Matt Sydal faces The Son of The Ghost. Impact World Champion Pentagon Jr. has his mandatory rematch against Austin Aries. Teams were split with Impact representatives versus the luchadores from AAA. The Ghost’s Son got the victory with a move he calls The Thrill of The Kill. Frankly, I like his chances at Gold. Though, I’m not as confident in Pentagon Jr. Ever since The Cockroach’s dismissal, the company needed a stopgap and it is difficult to think of him as anything else right now. I hope to be proven wrong and I’m happy for his exposure to a mainstream American audience. We deserve to see more of what he can do. Overall, Impact is doing a solid creative job currently outside of the two trips to kindergarten purgatory involving a casket and worked non-firing.