I Applied On The WWE Performance Center Website…

My goal is to work for WWE.

Don’t get me wrong, I love this writing gig with The Chairshot, along with my work at 411Mania. My bosses are very kind to me & I’m treated well. But just like everybody else that does any kind of work in or around the wrestling business, or that grew up watching WWE & still does to this very day, the idea of working for the biggest wrestling company in the world is the dream.

The wrestling business is full of souls that will never make it through WWE’s doors. It’s tough to get in if you’re a wrestler, and even tougher if you aren’t. Jeremy Borash got in eventually, but it took decades of working with every other semi-major promotion to get there. As much as people talk about how you need to be a wrestling fan in order to succeed in the business, WWE doesn’t seem to care about hiring wrestling fans. Especially when it comes to their writing staff.

Then again, maybe we’re not giving them enough credit. Over the past couple of years, WWE has hired & pushed people we never thought they would. Triple H seems open to hiring different types of folks. As it turns out, WWE is hiring right now. You can go to the new Performance Center website & fill out an application!

The old Steve Cook wouldn’t have bothered filling it out. I would have assumed that WWE would have no interest in somebody like me. Now that I believe in myself & know how great I am, I figure I should try & share my greatness with WWE. Even if I have no idea what I would do there. I could write, or announce, or do any number of things. Sell t-shirts? Sure, why not? I’m willing to do whatever it takes to work for the company I was obsessed with as a child, and am still pretty addicted to today.

Let’s fill out the application together, shall we?

We’re off to a good start here, lying about my birthday. A girl at work said I was 32 when I made her guess how old I was. Rounding down to 30 from there is only fair, right?

I tried reading the Recruit Privacy Policy. Just so you know, they have so many ways to gather information on you that it’s silly. There’s no such thing as Private Information in 2018, let’s be honest.

Well this isn’t ideal. I’m not exactly athletic. I haven’t wrestled or refereed. I feel like clicking “Other” here pretty much ensures your doom. But it is what it is.

I’m from Kentucky, so it’s debatable whether or not I speak English.

“Performer”? What the heck does that mean? I somehow feel like it’s closer to my status than anything else.

These are true stories. My sabbatical from athletics started in fourth grade when I got glasses. At the same time, I figured out that I couldn’t hit a baseball. Also, I got a Super Nintendo. That sunk any hopes I had of an athletic career.

These are also accurate statements. My pro wrestling experience is explained. As far as acting goes, I was Narrator #3 in my class’s production of A Midsummer Night’s Dream. I took a course on public speaking in college, and I think I can consider my podcast appearances as speaking in front of an audience. Well, I hope there’s an audience.

All true stories. I heard about this webpage on the Internet. It is wise to study the ways of one’s enemy. And we all know how WWE likes to humiliate people in storylines.

Videos? That sounds like some new-fangled technology to me. Besides, I work the real territories that don’t tape stuff. Yeah, that’s the ticket.

OK, they seem pretty insistent on wanting to see me. Seems fair. After all, I might be catfishing them, right? I might as well show them some pictures that will get them interested.

Yeah, I think they’ll like those.

Well, there it goes! My application to WWE is complete. It’s been nice knowing you guys.