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Mitchell’s Hyrule Puro-Resu News Report! (6/17/23)

Spectacular Spectacle Fallout!

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HPW News 2023

What a sight to behold!

HPW has made it through a Second Spectacular Spectacle, and we’re on the road to Termina Velocity! What will everyone have to say about the night?

 

After the Wait & See Battle Royal.

The Good, The Bad & The Studly walk in.

Ladrona and Tingle are chanting “GROOSE! GROOSE!” for the Skyfall Stud as he secured the win for them. But then some others are applauding more sarcastically. It’s the UnderWorld Order! Death Sword says, “Congrats on the win. Now you get to travel to Termina, just so you can lose to us.” The UWO chuckles, and Gomess adds, “We won inside Blood & Thunder. There’s no way we lose to a baldie, a thief, and man-child in pajamas.” Groose says, “Oh, is that so?” He steps up but so does Scaldera. Hollywood ReDead has Scaldera back down and stares Groose down. “You already lost your hair, big man. Don’t go losing your head now.”

“In fact,” Ted Beedle Ossi says, “why lose any time and money? You three don’t even need to go to Termina.” Beedle brings out a checkbook. He offers to pay them what they’d get with the “loser’s purse,” so that they can just stay home and not have to pay for travel. Beedle starts writing but Ladrona stops him. Beedle is the Million Rupee Man, right? So there’s no way she’ll accept a paycheck for just a thousand. Alright, fine, Beedle will pay them double the loser’s purse. Really? Ladrona is still not satisfied. What, she wants triple? She does realize that Beedle would then be paying out over nine thousand Rupees, right?

Ladrona again says he’s the Million Rupee Man. What’s nine thousand to someone who easily makes nine hundred thousand? Beedle gets upset and says fine, here! He writes a check for 10 THOUSAND Rupees and shoves it into Ladrona’s hand. “Pleasure doing business with you,” she says with a smirk. The UWO storms off, and Tingle asks Ladrona why she just sold out like that. Ladrona laughs. “Oh my sweet, innocent Tingle. I just scammed them! Now we have the title match and the money! Let’s get going before Beedle changes his mind.” The UWO looked down on the Thief Girl, and now they’re literally paying for it. Will The Good, The Bad & The Studly soon have everything they ever wanted?

 

After the HPW Goddess Championship match.

Aveil walks in.

The Gerudo Sisterhood is there waiting for her, and they all give her a hug in turn. Aveil says it’s alright, because now she is passing the baton on. One of the other three can go for the Goddess title now, they just have to decide who. Shabonne of course says Tali, but Buliara of course says Riju. There’s an awkward moment, but the group brushes it off. They’ve got time to figure it out, right? Well, Termina Velocity is July 4th, so that’s not really that much time. Will the Dames of the Dunes peacefully decide who is challenging Midna?

 

After the HPW Death Mountain Championship match.

The Faces of Evil walk in.

Lupay is quite literally howling mad. He asks, “HAWOOOO~ did that happen!? How did she get past all of us?” Harlequin says it is alright, because now any one of them, as he points to himself, Militron and Glutko, can go after her next. Is he parodying Aveil’s line from earlier? But Militron says Harlequin is right. “The Twilight Princess survived the double header once, but she can’t survive forever. She’ll face FOE after FOE, and she will fall!” Glutko adds, “And it will be delicious~!” Then who will be the next Face of Evil to face Midna?

Midna walks in.

The Twilight Princess holds up both belts triumphantly with a big smile on her face. “The first ever Twilight Princess Double Header is a success, because I successfully defended both titles! And I’ll gladly do it again, and again, and again, if HPW wants me to. I’m more than happy to prove that Midna is anything but mid!” The #TwoBeltPrincess is ready for more, will she make it through the Summer with both titles?

 

After the HPW Triforce Championship #1 Contender’s Fatal 4 Way.

Zelda and Link walk in together.

The two of them are quiet because they aren’t sure what to say to each other. “Look,” Zelda says, “don’t worry about it. You have nothing to apologize for. Though, neither do I. We both fought hard out there. We fought as hard as we could out there. But it was a Fatal 4 Way, winning those are incredibly hard. And we’re not out of the running. We just have to wait and see if Majora beats your bro- er, Kage… Or if Kage retains the title. Until then, no hard feelings.” Link finishes sipping water from a bottle, and he shakes hands with Zelda. Will the Princess and Hero of Hyrule be just fine? Or will ambition tear them apart?

Fin staggers in.

The Zora Rock ‘n’ Rolla is furious, and also clutching an icepack to his head from taking the Torpedo Majora. “What in the blue hell!? What are we supposed to do against a monster like that? A literal monster! But y’know what? Fine! Face Kage in Termina. Either you get yer arse kicked, or you’re the new champ and I get to kick yer arse myself! You are not going to deny me my prize! Arrow Club is aiming for the top, and we will hit the mark!” Fin storms off, but who will he be aiming for after Termina Velocity?

Majora… doesn’t walk in?

No one is sure what’s going on, but HPW Media cuts to another camera and sees him ranting and raving at the fans while he goes around the ramp and stage, and therefore going around gorilla position. He finds his way to the parking lot, where the UWO is going to their limousine. They see him walk up, and ReDead stares down with Majora. They shake hands, and they all get into the limo together. It seems Majora is still UWO, so will he be bringing even more gold to the group in the near future?


My Thoughts:

Another fun promo article here, though I think the most compelling was UWO bribing Groose, Ladrona & Tingle out of being their challengers. I was conflicted on whether to go with that, and I had a pretty good alternate promo written for that here, but I feel like the swerve is better story. As for Midna and her two midcard titles, the only part that’s tricky is scheduling things. Should Termina Velocity have contenders matches or go right to title matches? I’m leaning towards the former, but even then, I have to figure out who is going to be in those matches.

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