Andrew’s Impact Wrestling Results & Match Ratings: 10.5.2023

So looking at the card…this is one of those shows that looks very weird on paper. A weir mixed up 10 Person Tag, that has the whole Heel/Face dynamic spun on its head. It’s that weird winning team has a match next week for Call Your Shot Gauntlet seeding. just a dumb filler match. And honestly not match look particularly riveting on paper; we can only hope that there will be some storyline movement to make segments interesting.

Let’s hope my first blush malaise is just being pessimistic.

Thanks to @GiseleShaw08, @TheJaiVidal will join forces with @TheJohnSkyler to take on @The_Ace_Austin and @DashingChrisBey in a FANS REVENGE MATCH later tonight on #IMPACTonAXSTV! pic.twitter.com/lGHZlLVp02

— IMPACT (@IMPACTWRESTLING) October 6, 2023

Ratings:

• Tasha Steelz vs Killer Kelly w/Masha Slamovich: Tasha wins via Blackout – *
• 10 Person Tag: Champagne Singh, Jordynne Grace,  Eric Young, Jake Something & Dirty Dango w/Alpha Bravo vs KiLynn King, Jody Threat, Shera, Brian Myers & Bully Ray: Jake wins via Into the Void – * 1/2
• Fans Revenge Tag Match: The ABC (Chris Bey & Ace Austin) vs John Skyler & Jai Vidal: ABC wins via 1-2-Sweet – 1/2*
• Moose vs Bhupinder Gujjar: Moose wins via Lights Out – N/A
• Josh Alexander vs Kon w/Deaner: Josh wins via C4 Spike – **

Results:

Tasha Steelz vs Killer Kelly w/Masha Slamovich

Kelly took the early advantage, but an advantageous DDT on the outside gives Tasha some space. A corner combination into a Snapmare roll through and then Dropkick for a near fall for Tasha. The crowd is somewhat dead, and I honestly blame that on Tasha. I’ve enjoyed her promo ability but her wrestling is about as believable as my Chinese.

Tasha rocks Kelly, Kelly powders and Tasha Baseball Slide hits Masha, they jaw a bit and Kelly tries to take advantage but is seemingly still selling the DDT on the floor. Kelly finally starts to fight back, Headbutt, Butterfly Suplex into a corner Dropkick for 2. Tasha goes for the Okurrr, Kelly catches her in the Killer Clutch but Deonna comes down, pulls out the referee. Typical distraction stuff, Kelly is arguing with the referee, Tasha catches her with a bad Blackout…and Tasha wins because the Knockouts Tag needs a challenger I suppose. Ugh.

I go from one thing I don’t want to see, to another, Tommy Dreamer comes out to address Crazzy Steve. Christ…Tommy Dreamer is friends with everyone and decides to tell people “road stories” about how they were friends. Jesus Christ, Tommy Dreamer does this with freakin everyone and its disgusting.  Dreamer with this big sappy story, they hug and Steve stabs him with the Abdullah the Butcher fork he’s been using lately. Not surprised in the least bit, just a very awkward, painful and bad segment. 

10 Person Tag: Champagne Singh, Jordynne Grace,  Eric Young, Jake Something & Dirty Dango w/Alpha Bravo vs KiLynn King, Jody Threat, Shera, Brian Myers & Bully Ray

Dango starts off against Jody Threat, because of course he would. KiLynn King still doesn’t like her, so blind tags to get her a piece of Dango. King gives him a free shit and Dango backs down to tag in Champagne. KiLynn tags Shera, stalls, then they hug, it gets awkward, EY hits Shera and Shera sells to the corner to tag out. God this is a pile of shit early.

Champagne is facing Jody Threat and its more…bad an awkward wrestling. Dango tags back in, Alpha Bravo distracts Jody and Dango sneak attacks while Bravo steps on her on the outside while Dango distracts the referee. Dango puts on a dumb crown, does a little Elvis dance and goes for the Jerry Lawler corner drop punch, but Jody catches him with the boot and tags in Jordynne. Jody tags in Brian Myers and they start somewhat more effective wrestling. Brian tags in KiLynn, and King starts working over Jordynne. Jordynne fires up, works over King, King tags in Myers, Myers gets Suplexed and Jordynne calls for Bully Ray. Jordynne tries to Suplex him, Bully says no and slams her with ease and starts to play to the crowd and mock everything. Misses the Elbow Drop and EY tags in.

EY drops Bully, goes for the Macho Elbow, but Shera picks the ankle and crotches EY. Bully tags in King and Double Suplex leads to a 2 count. Irish Whips, and then King shoves him into her team’s corner, tags Bully back in and EY is isolated. Bully goes for his Flip Flop and Fly, but plays around too long and eats a Dropkick from EY. Grace and Jody get the tags and they start firing into each other. KiLynn makes the blind tag which invalidates Jordynne’s pinfall, and then King throws Jody out of the ring and tries to take it to Jordynne but she fights out and hot tag to Jake Something. Thesz Press, Spinebuster, Scoop Slams and then Jake attacks Champagne Singh and Dirty Dango. Shera and Something face off a bit, Shera tries the Pop Up Powerbomb, but Something counters and hits Into the Void to send his team to the Gauntlet seeding match.

A bad match, with a predictable finish since one team looked like a better 5 person fight than the other. 

.@MeanGiaMiller caught up with @Walking_Weapon to discuss his upcoming Main Event clash against @Big_Kon1! Alexander's #BoundForGlory opponent @AlexShelley313 will be at ringside! #IMPACTonAXSTV pic.twitter.com/TOpTiaJuIl

— IMPACT (@IMPACTWRESTLING) October 6, 2023

Not sure I believe Shelley, but its an interesting possible wrinkle regardless.

Fans Revenge Tag Match: The ABC (Chris Bey & Ace Austin) vs John Skyler & Jai Vidal

This is an even further gimmicked Lumberjack match. The “fans” can only hit the wrestlers once both feet hit the floor. Skyler is the first one out, he gets whipped, Chris Bey gets thrown out and the fans Too Sweet him and take pictures which upsets Vidal, so he drops down and immediately gets lit up by the fans.

I miss Hermie Sadler and Toby Keith…hell I miss Brian Urlacher segments too. This is cringe and stupid. I don’t think any of us think ABC will lose, its just a goofy gimmick match that doesn’t translate on a show littered with trash matches and cringe content. This is very much shaping up to be the worst IMPACT in…a very long time.

In other news, it seems like the Bears offense is still looking pretty good after last week’s choke but fairly competent showing. It’s not even halftime and the score is 20-3 in favor of the Bears. Yes I’d rather talk about a garbage team than watch this dumpster fire of a match. 

Oh this match is still going on…can we just 1-2-Sweet this and go home already? Okay at least its kinda funny watching Bey cut off Skyler to force him on the outside and he’s getting whipped by everyone until Skyler grabs 1 whip, but Bey with the Tope con Hilo. Finally 1-2-Sweet. Praise be to Satan for ending this travesty.

Moose vs Bhupinder Gujjar

In what world am I supposed to suspend my disbelief that Gujjar stands a snowball’s chance in hell? I guess we’re going back to Football, oh there’s only like 20 seconds left before Halftime…oh but it’s 27-3 now. 

Moose dominates the early going, Gujjar dodges a Spear in the corner to give him a small flourish…but even the crowd doesn’t believe it. Looks for the Jumping Knee, misses, eats the Rolling Lariat, Jacknife Powerbomb, Lights Out. Turn off the lights, the party’s over.

Maclin’s music hits, and I’m guessing he wants to challenge for the briefcase since he did have it before getting it go Gore’d out of his hands and it fell to Moose’s lucky self. YUP – that’s exactly what this is. Moose and Myers think its a set up by Bully Ray, but Maclin keeps up the calling him soft and not afraid of the 2 on 1 attack. PCO’s appears, Myers gets dumped, kicks the briefcase, Double Lariats Maclin and Moose, so I guess this is the battle for the briefcase for now. As Maclin is walking up the ramp yelling at PCO, Rhino Gores him into tomorrow and Rhino’s music plays. 

X-Division Champion @SuperChrisSabin defends his title against @njpwglobal's @KENTAG2S at #BoundForGlory! Who will emerge as the X-Division Champion at #BFG!

Be there LIVE: https://t.co/hLk1mCN2ck pic.twitter.com/JTKBYkRZIv

— IMPACT (@IMPACTWRESTLING) October 6, 2023

Josh Alexander vs Kon w/Deaner

Why does The Design still exist? Haven’t they failed in all the pivotal matches, and they’re not even the believable heel group that can lose and still be threatening. They’re a job squad joke that wastes tv time.

Slow start with a Headlock, that gets shrugged off into a Shoulder Tackle, ankle pick from Josh to try the Ankle Lock immediately but of course not. Little dip and duck in the corner, Shoulder Tackle into a Diving Lariat from Josh, then a standing Hammerlock, but Kon uses his size and power to get out of it, turns it into Locomotion Headlock Takeovers. Josh manages to get up and then eats a Lariat.

Power moves back and forth but Josh eventually gets the Suplex to start working in his favor, but when they’re both up Josh eats some strikes, eventually gives it back, gets reverse Whipped, Kon charges and eats feet. Kon catches Josh coming off the ropes with a Thesz Press. Once Alexander tries to get some momentum going, Deaner grabs the ankle which allows Kon to Spinebuster Josh and keep smothering him.

Josh tries to slow down Kon with an Abdominal Stretch, but Kon tosses him across the ring into the ropes landing odd on the top of his shoulders. The fire up spot happens with Machine Gun forearms, Five Hole Slide for an attempted German Suplex that gets stopped. Kon charges off the ropes, Josh catches him in the German Suplex with the momentum and starts rocking and rolling. Speaking of rolling, a Misawa Rolling Elbow drops Kon, and Josh goes for the Moonsault but misses. Double Handed Chokebomb for only 2. Kon goes for a Scoop Slam, Josh slips it, Enzuigiri, Fireman’s Carry but Kon grabs the ropes, the referee tries to break it, ref bump as Josh and Kon go back and forth on the apron. Kon is seated after losing the exchange, Low Crossbody.

Deaner tries to attack Josh with a chair, Shelley actually got up to take the chair off Deaner, but Deaner dodges Josh and Josh levels Alex Shelley. Back inside, Kon looks to end the match but Alexander slips into the Ankle Lock, but Kon fights through, C4 Spike, 1-2-3.

Shelley gets in his face after the match, then Josh tries to walk by and shove Alex a little. Alex takes offense and Shellshock’s Josh. Technically it was Josh’s fault, even with Alex supposed to be playing heel…Josh instigated this kind of response. Incidental contact and the dismissive push, Shelley did the right thing.

Overall Score: 2.5/10

While I love the Santino segments and really like the KENTA announcement. The rest of this show was straight trash. Bad wrestling, job matches throughout the card except for the first one which was just bad and predictable to fill in a challenger. Tommy Dreamer’s whole crybaby Dusty Rhode’s when you order off a Wish gimmick was something I grew bored of like a year ago. Can Crazzy Steve please steal his soul or trap him in a Jigsaw kind of puzzle room and we never see Dreamer again?

Also the fact that they are making the paranoid heelish champion validated in interactions, is missing the point completely. He’s supposed to be paranoid and we’re not supposed to think he’s sane. So you kinda ruined the dynamic, but its best to realize that you could make Alex Shelley Shellshock Josh’s son and people still wouldn’t boo our Paparazzi Prince. So now I’m gonna go take a hot shower with chlorine to burn this episode from every pore of my existence.