Entertainment
Mitchell’s Hyrule Puro-Resu News Report! (12/31/23)
Dawn of the Final Day!
It’s almost time. Will history repeat itself?
Just moments away from the Celebration of Greatness, HPW takes a look at what’s coming for the Termina and Triforce Championships!
The hands of time cannot be stopped.
Everything moves forward with time. Everything moves forward in time. Time waits for no one. And if you are not careful, if you are not prepared, if you are not aware, time leaves you behind.
“Such was the story of TCW,” Ganon says. “But c’mon, you don’t need to hear all that again, right? They were Icarus, who flew too close to the sun with wax ‘n’ paper wings, then crashed ‘n’ burned. But hey, their legacy lives on, right? HPW thought it fitting to honor TCW by granting Igos du Ikana the honor of starting the lineage of this: the Termina Championship.” Ganon shows off the belt, making sure it catches the light. “The iconic belt was basically brought back from the dead,” Ganon continues. “The only real change was adding the HPW logo to it.” Ganon points to the silver seal stamped near the top.
“With HPW establishing the Termina Championship, it even resurrected Igos’ career,” Ganon says. Ganon beat Igos to get his shot at the HPW Triforce Championship, which Ganon won. Igos then beat Ghirahim to establish the HPW Termina title, and beat Osphala at the original HyruleMania. Oh but then Igos lost in the rematch! Ganon laughs at that, and says it’s because Osphala ended up such a forgetful champion anyway. And after that, Igos floundered around. Which is also funny, because he failed to defeat Fin Balure for the title while Ganon succeeded. “Honestly, I’m not even sure why I’m accepting this challenge.
“Oh, that’s right. Igos friggin’ kicked me in the side of the head at Clash of Fates! That bag o’ bones thinks he can just pull the oldest magic trick in pro-wrestling, with the lights goin’ down, comin’ back up, and surprise~! He’s there! And then he takes a cheap shot to try and humiliate me? Well now I’m gonna humiliate him in return! I’m going to make sure his time runs out, once and for all!”
A clock ticks forward.
From the shadows, Igos du Ikana steps forward. “I’m sorry, Ganon, but I think you’re mistaken. Magic trick? Cheap shot? Humiliation? That’s not what I was doing at all. That kick at Clash of Fates was your wake-up call. I was sounding an alarm. Did you defeat Fin Balure when I could not? Yes, you did. Did you defeat the cyclops known as Hinox? Yes, you did. And did you defeat TCW legends along the way? Yes, once again, you did. But what about any of that makes you untouchable? What about that means this gets any easier? I thought you of all people knew nothing lasts forever. Not even a title reign.”
Highlights of Igos losing to Osphala and Fin intermingle with highlights of Ganon losing to Link, while that clock from earlier spins out of control. Then the voices of Igos and Ganon overlap with additional warping as they say, “Those who do not learn history are doomed to repeat it.” The chaotic highlight reel ends with that Elegy of Emptiness heel kick at Clash of Fates, and then it all goes black. Then in all white, the HyruleMania logo fades into view, and there’s a digital clock counting down to the start of HyruleMania 4. Whose time runs out when the clock strikes twelve?
The video pauses, then stops.
The screen goes blue, and the sound of a VHS cassette tape being ejected can be heard. Then the sound of a cassette tape being put in, and a new video starts up. It’s a young Hylian couple in the hospital. They’re incredibly happy, tears of joy streaming down their faces. The wife just gave birth and the husband helps her hold their twin baby boys. The video then cuts to the happy couple having their boys home for the first time, putting them in their cribs. “Good night, Link,” the mother says sweetly. “Good night-” The audio gets really bad here for some reason. Then a dark filter goes over the footage as “The duality of destiny is like a razor’s edge” appears in scratchy lettering.
Then there’s cut-together pieces of HPW: Deep Dive from last year, Just Like You by Three Days Grace playing in the background. Kage’s highlight reel rise to the HPW Triforce Championship, the draw at Clash of Fates 2, the Triple Threat that helped him win the title, and then pieces from Link’s message to Kage and Kage’s response. Specifically, it lines up Link saying “as my enemy” and Kage saying, “as your enemy.” Then cut to their Blood Match for the title at Clash of Fates 3. “Seems growing up with our parents made you soft.” And then Link snaps and beats Kage down. However, Kage would score both the moral victory as well as the literal.
There’s another highlight reel bringing us to where we are now. Kage stands at 18 months and 20 days, the longest reign as HPW Triforce Champion, only trumped by Zelda’s reign as HPW Goddess Champion being a full two years. Link is the only two-time Triforce Champion, a former Mr. Eventide and a two-time Hyrule Warriors match winner. But this literal blood feud is about far more than the title. Aryll watches Link train, a look of worry on her face. Kage trains alone in solitude. We flash back to them as babies wrapped in blankets in their mother’s arms. Both men stop to catch their breath, then hydrate and cool off. They’re mirror images of each other.
They may be brothers, but that is only in DNA. There is no love lost for the men they have become. “The duality of destiny is like a razor’s edge” returns again. If that is the case, who gets cut down by the other in this fated main event battle to end the year?
My Thoughts:
This one I really like. These weren’t as lengthy as previous “Deep Dive” segments, but I feel like Ganon and Igos have the right intensity, and I like the visuals in relating Link and Kage. Now I just hope the matches live up to the hype…
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CHAIRSHOT RADIO NETWORK PODCAST SPECIALS
Attitude Of Aggression Podcast: The Big Five Project (chronologically exploring WWE's PPV/PLE history) Unidentified History (Ufology) & Game Gone Wrong (Game of Thrones Universe)
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