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Mitchell’s Hyrule Puro-Resu News Report! (12/30/25)

Curiouser and curiouser…

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HPW Second Day

Why, sometimes I’ve believed as many as six impossible things before breakfast.

HyruleMania 6 has a lot to do with sixes, such as Six Person Tags! One for gold, the other for pride, but all for the glory in HPW!

 

The following announcement has been paid for by the UnderWorld Order.

Footage from the original HyruleMania plays, namely the Trios match that gave rise to the uWo, which was of course from ReDead betraying the original Dark Forces faction. The footage is grainy, glitchy, possibly on VHS for some reason. “Good times, good times,” Hollywood ReDead says, his voice in some echoey room. “I wouldn’t change a thing about that day.” “Time sure flies,” Death Sword says, in that same echo chamber. “All we did was blink, and it’s been six years. Damn.” “It’s not the destination but the journey,” Gomess says, joining them in this unseen room. “Though, it’s fun how the journey’s brought us back to the beginning.”

The Poe Sisters join in for some reason, all dressed as a version of Alice in Wonderland. Amy asks, “Would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here?” Beth says, “That depends a good deal on where you want to get to.” Joelle says, “I don’t much care where.” Meg says, “Then it doesn’t matter which way you go.” But wait, the Dark Forces hijack the signal?! “If you don’t know where you are going,” Wizzro says, “any road can take you there.” Volga says, “You betrayed us, ReDead, and where did it get you? Your UnderWorld Order was so aimless, you created your own belt just so you’d feel better about yourself.”

“And you ended up losing it to us anyway,” Kevin Gibdo says. “But you still have to pay up. Since we’re going back to the beginning, we will rewrite history by righting some wrongs. You’ll see you were wrong, and you’ll regret it for the rest of your life. Because you’ll see that the U W O is less than the O G D F.”

HyruleProWrestlingFaction OGDF2

The ultimatums have been sent, and now it is all about the fight! Who wins a rematch years in the making?

 

The MagicaLadies are in the studio.

Midna, Cia & Lana do new photoshoots with their tag titles, and they also work on new ring gear. The pictures they’ve drafted seem to be of various iconic trios. Cia asks why Midna gets to use the pink fabric. Midna says because Blossom was the leader, she was a redhead, that’s Midna to a T. Cia says Midna is NOT the leader of the trio, they’re a trio! They’re equal! Plus, Cia doesn’t look the best in green. But Lana has blue hair, she looks best in blue, she’s gotta be Bubbles. Well, what about their backup trio? Okay, Midna will still be using red because she’d be the leader, Thorn. Again, Midna is not the leader! Cia should be Thorne, she looks good in red.

Midna says no, Cia looks best in purple, she should be Luna. Well, okay, that’s a good point, but something still feels off. Lana speaks up and says wait! This is so obvious! They should be the Three Goddess: Din, Nayru & Farore. Midna is the powerhouse, Cia is the technical wrestler, and Lana is the daredevil! Power, wisdom, and courage! That’s brilliant! They’ll wear gold with the highlights being red, blue, and green. Now with that out of the way, they can focus on their opponents: The Gerudo Sisterhood.

The MagicaLadies rewatch the Fyter Feast Trios Triple Threat, and other matches of the various members. This combination of Buliara, Aveil & Nabooru is a lesser used combination, but none of them can be seen as weak links. The Desert Flowers are former Trios Champions, Aveil was Miss Eventide, and Nabooru is highly accomplished from her prime. Lana says that’s no big deal when Cia was a Goddess Champion, and Midna was both Goddess & Death Mountain Champion at the same time! And Lana… Well, this Trios title is her first real accomplishment, but still! They can handle whatever the Gerudo Sisterhood throws at them!

Cia and Midna agree, but then they look at the computer again and see the Gerudo Sisterhood has posted a new video. It’s them working out. Cia clicks the video to play it, and they’re not just working out. They’re lifting weights, running across the desert sands, and practically beating the stuffing out of heavy bags and training dummies… And even some living sparring partners… The three look like absolute machines, and all three MagicaLadies are speechless. Will the champs be able to get their confidence back before the bell rings? Or have they already lost the match before it’s even begun?

 

Begin the climb.

Groose, his pompadour still coming back slowly, looks at the Death Mountain Championship. “Remember back when I first won this? I made fun of the really bad design of that. Not to toot my own horn, but I like to think I’m responsible for this great retro redesign. Yeah, okay, Ghirahim got involved, had that nightmare of an idea for a title, and then that spun off to be the HPW Termina Championship, the exclusively Men’s Division title. Wild how things have come full circle for me, right?” Groose looks off into the distance wistfully, and we fade transition from him to The Great Fairy as she glides and glitters.

“Death Mountain, Fairy Fountain, all part of nature,” she says while she continues to dance. “Opposites are natural. Fire and water, land and sky, winning and losing. And as a fairy, I preserve nature. And what better way to do that but as champion?” Great Fairy giggles as she floats away as light as a feather. Before she lands, we fade transition to Mipha swan-diving into the water. She dolphin kicks, spins, and seems to do an aquatic dance. She dives down, then rises up quickly to breach and flip through the air, again much like a dolphin. We slow-mo to see the water droplets sparkle as they fly off of her before she splashes back down into the water.

Mipha narrates as we continue to watch her aqua acrobatics. “My brother and I grew up watching wrestling. We admired the many stars of not just the Zora wrestling scene, but of all wrestling from around the world. Different styles, different personalities, different people from different cultures and places, it helped us understand that despite all our differences, this is one world, connected and shared. There is competition, yet also friendship. Though, perhaps not always. But even then, there is a way to stand up for oneself, for one’s beliefs, and for one’s friends.” We get a cameo from Sidon as the siblings circle each other.

“On the same night that my brother battles along his friends, I will battle for myself. Not to be selfish, not to be arrogant, not to ‘stick it’ to someone else. I battle for that little girl who watched the stars shine on her television screen. I battle for the little girl whose dream it was to be part of that world, no matter what it took. And I battle for the little girl who in turn wanted to inspire other little girls to do the same. Honestly, not even just little girls, but all people. For those are my beliefs that I fight to uphold. If you fight for your dreams, perhaps your dreams will fight for you, and you can achieve them and so much more.”

While also in the water, we focus on the sun’s reflection shining on the water so that we can transition to Torbevito as he slowly surfaces at the shore. His father, El Torbellino, is also there, and welcomes him home with a big hug. They look over pictures and posters from El Torbellino’s career: His friendship and rivalry with Rey Oceano, with “The Tailor,” Dwohalla Gwitani, and “Big Pecks” Hawk Morrigan. Torbevito traveled the world with his father, but they never forgot where they came from. They still eat, sleep, breathe Zora wrestling. Even in retirement, Torbellino is teaching a new generation both land-based wrestling and the 360 underwater wrestling.

“My dad was definitely my hero,” Torbevito says. “The legacy he created not just for himself and the family but for Zora wrestling, it’s a lot to live up to. But y’know, I look forward to it. It’s like a challenge in itself, to do everything I can to uphold the legacy. I wanna make him proud, and I wanna show the world the importance of family and tradition.” We rather abruptly cut to a montage of tilt-o-whirls, huricanranas, arm-drags, springboards, tornillos, topes, and dropkicks. Training partner after training partner, even his own brothers, Azul y Rojo, are either tossed aside or knocked down in that ring.

El Taro Blanco stands tall as he snarls. “Soy imparable. Soy innegable. Soy el futuro HPW Campeon de Death Mountain, perros! You step in my way, you put your life on the line! Because when you mess with the bull, you get the horrrrns!” We are then given a glimpse at the HyruleMania 6 set, and the rig for the belt hook. The fighting is about to escalate, but only one star will elevate their career. Who reaches the summit to put their name down in the history books?

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