Andrew’s JCW Lunacy: The Assault Results & Match Ratings

Barnabas is going crazy trying to stop The Outbreak from doing drug, Caleb Konley went around Violent J to book some heel matches. Future Endeavors looked great, J-Rod always looks great and Ruffo was shoved in a trunk by Vito and they drove off.

Between the mafia tactics, the women’s division being delicious and devious and The Outbreak literally scraping anything for a fix, we’ve got a lot to potentially unpack here.

Ratings:

• JCW Women’s Championship Match: J-Rod vs Alice Crowley: J-Rod retains via DQ – * 1/2
• JCW American Championship: Father Bronson vs Facade: No Contest – ***
• Future Endeavors (Shane Mercer & Matt Cross) vs Choppa City: Cross wins via Shooting Star Press – ** 3/4
• Caleb Konley vs Soultaker: Caleb wins via Shovel to the Head – **
• Freya the Slaya w/Breyer Wellington vs Gisele Shaw: Gisele wins via Denouement – ** 3/4
• Jeeves vs Vince Russo: No Contest – N/A

Results:

Dani Mo comes out to commentary to watch this match. 

JCW Women’s Championship Match: J-Rod vs Alice Crowley

Al attacks J-Rod before the bell, but J-Rod quickly grabs a headlock and keeps Al in place. Al breaks the headlock, rope run gets grabbed by J-Rod, Snake Eyes, into a Big Boot and an early near fall. J-Rob grinding Al’s face along the ropes, chopping her in the corner, but Ali turns it around, gets one Chop in before J-Rod kicks her and takes control right back. Slamming her face in the corner, and then choking her on the middle ropes, the Ultimate Athlete J-Rod, is firmly in control. J-Rod puts Al in the corner, charges twice but eats a Boot and then Elbow, Al tries to chain some offense together but J-Rod grabs the hair and throws Alice down. A little more back and forth, Al hits the Big Knee Lift and a near fall.

They counter one another’s Lariat attempts before J-Rod pulls the referee in the way of Big Al’s boot! Ref is dead, Spear from J-Rod! Sophia Rose comes out to interfere and hits a Split Stunner on J-Rod! Alice covers them and wins! You’re NEW…wait…the referee actually checks the tape…sees the interreference and reverses the decision! A Dusty finish, in the big 026?

The audio issues are making this hard to tolerate, but it also really feels even more like public access ECW hardcore tv debauchery. So it’s all kind of par for what I’m enjoying about JCW. 

Yabo in his Mafia gimmick sneaks up behind Vito, Sal and crew, threatens Sal with a hammer asking where Ruffo is. 

Russo slides up with Willie Mack and 2 Tuff Tony. He decides to apologize for how he treated them. Tony says he doesn’t trust Vince, but respects him, so they leave with tension but mutual respect. 

JCW American Championship: Father Bronson vs Facade

Father Bronson comes out first again with his roses, spreading the red love to all the Juggalettes and Juggalos. Red Love is pansexual, too bad the audio isn’t interested in working to hear his promo though. Bronson’s speaking ability is one of his biggest selling points. 

Oh…a title match? Bronson shakes Facade’s hand and then they tie up. Bronson pushes Facade into the corner, says a few things which fires up the Neon Ninja, and Bronson eats a few kicks, takes the whip to the corner as he does a handstand, Headscissors, bouncy castle outside in Arm Drag into a Asai Pele Kick. Bronson powders, Facade wants the Triangle Dive, but Bronson grabs him, and slows down Facade. Drapes him across the guardrail and lays in a few chops. As they both get back in Bronson kicks the rope into the Facade’s nuts when he tries to get in. Some ground and pound from Bronson, but he gives Facade space to stand.

Overhead Belly to Belly from Bronson, Bronson then hits the Kip-Up into his Messiah-esque pose. Muay Thai knees in the corner from Bronson, Palm Strikes, Euro Uppers into a lazy near fall, so Facade kicks out. A quick jab and a Headlock, but the crowd is firing up Facade. Those Muay Thai knees are keeping Facade down, but he connects with his own knee when Bronson tries a Suplex. Stick and Move Round Kicks, Sole Butt, into the Zen Kip-Up Heel Kick from Facade! Facade tries the Rope Walk, but more Muay Thai knees and a Falcon Arrow for two!

Bronson wanted a Lawn Dart, but Facade gets away, Disaster Kick! Facade heads back to the Rope Run, but Mac Davis walks out and talks shit to Facade after their contentious earlier interview. Mac is making this personal, Facade swings, but Mac sneaks him with the Microphone! The referee calls a No Contest, but Bronson continues to beat on the Neon Ninja. Locks him in the Red Love Cloverleaf, just to send a message.

It was honestly a good match, and the Mac Davis thing sucks a little, but it works for an overall story. Bronson does look like a legit guy and a real threat. 

Vince Russo is in the back with Choppa City trying to talk some sense into them. He’s pissed they went into business for themselves, so they’re gonna get dog walked by Future Endeavors later tonight. I’m good with all that. Choppa City are cornball, but they’re at least interesting personalities. 

Mac Davis has Barnabas cornered to talk about how awful the situation is for the drug addled Zombies and their frustrated Ringmaster. He apparently is quarantining the Outbreak away from whoever their dealer is. Barnabas is looking to make the dealer pay because he’s out of options. 

Future Endeavors (Shane Mercer & Matt Cross) vs Choppa City

Atiba going full Bruce Leeroy, with his Choppa City silly shit, as Matt Cross stands there with his arms crossed and ducks a Chop, Up and Over, Arm Drag, Arm Drag, Arm Drag, kick in the face, Knife Edge Chop and boots to the face. Cross gets a little arrogant and Atiba trips him up into the buckles, Bruce tags in and lays in the ABC, Always Be Choppin. Quick tag back, Wassup Chop, but Matt kicks out. Quick tags continue, Chop Shop on the  wholesale but M-Dog hits the Rebound Double Cutters and tags in Shane Mercer.

Mercer with the Pump Handle dead lift throws both men over his head, but they manage to get a little offense in to stun Mercer. Superkick into a Jumping Chop. Tandem Chop attempt but Mercer gets the knees up, Mercer whips Atiba into a Cross Enzuigiri, X-Plex sends Atiba into space. Wayans kicks Mercer back and pulls himself up. But celebrates too long for the athletic spot, Moonsault & Battery from Mercer, tag, Shooting Star Press from M-Dog! Future Endeavors wins!

Mac Davis is in the back with Jeeves to answer for EC3 taking 3 weeks of bookings outside of JCW. Russo tells Jeeves because he’s team EC3, he’ll take the spot that was meant for EC3 in the main event. Jeeves is okay with it but asks who he’s fighting. Vince tells him “You’ll know when you’re out there”. Facade comes up, tells Mac to swing, to Mac smacks Facade and then Facade beats the hell out of Mac Davis. 

Violent J is in the back and 2 Tuff Tony and Willie Mack are laid out. J has his own “Khaan” moment with Vince, and we’ll see where this 50/50 ownership story goes.

Caleb Konley vs Soultaker

Yes, Soultaker used to be known as…N…you know. Yes THAT word…with taker after. 

Vince is on commentary, complains that this isn’t fair because Caleb’s done the cookin by the book. They play ring around the rosy, Caleb stomps a few times, chops a few times…but Soultaker doesn’t budge. Soultaker keeps Caleb in the corner, Caleb tries to turn it around but big Overhand Chops into grinding Caleb’s face on the ropes. Caleb is getting rode hard and pinned down wet.

Caleb tries a few kicks to keep Soultaker down, but he sits back up, Lariat causes Caleb to powder but Soultaker grabs him and runs him from pillar to post, Slingshots him back in just to Lariat him back out. The Overhand Chops are killing Caleb until he finally ducks and takes advantage of Soultaker, using the post on the face and the arms. It took a while, but Caleb finally has some momentum. Heading back in, Caleb tries to Beats of Bodhran, but Soultaker Stun Guns him and slides back in, CHOKESLAM! Russo tries to walk down to help, Violent J stops Vince but Caleb takes advantage of the distractions and hits Taker with his own shovel! Caleb quickly runs to the pinfall and Caleb escapes with a win!

The Lyrical Miracle! The Quintessential Stud Muffin, Joel Gertner! He gives us a typical Joel Gertner promo, talks about an associate but won’t tell us who it is. 

Broke Ass Breyer Wellington is in the back with Freya the Slaya. Will she be his golden goose?

Freya the Slaya w/Breyer Wellington vs Gisele Shaw

It’s nice to see Gisele Shaw again, I know she’s doing well in MLP, but I just like seeing her.

They try and tie up but Freya just throws her off. Gisele is a hell of a striker, but who knows if we’ll get that type of match. Gisele bounces off the ropes, Headscissors sends Freya into the corner, Forearm, Yakuza Kick from Gisele but Freya’s power just shoves off Gisele and then throws her around the ring, literally. Gisele is getting manhandled, hard Irish Whip bounces Gisele out and the pinfall is only two. Freya locks in the Headlock, Gisele tries to fight out, but Freya turns it into a Cobra Clutch, spins it into a Rainmaker! Heavy rain of elbows smash Gisele’s face. Gisele tries to retreat to the corner, eats the Cannonball, tries the second, but misses! Gisele chops, forearms, Uppercuts, Big Boot, Spinebuster for two! Gisele with another Big Boot, triplicate Hip Attacks, Ballet High Kick into the Tornado DDT and Freya is almost down, but kicks out right before 3. Gisele tries to continue, Freya fights off, Pele from Gisele. Gisele gets caught into the Spin Out Backbreaker but only a two!

Freya is firing, looks for a Tombstone, but Gisele pushes off, Headlock Takeover into the rope run Denouement!

Big Vito comes out with the Luciano Family to address the Ruffo situation. Yabo wanders out, he needs answers. Vito tells Yabo if he wants to see Ruffo again, he has to do everything he says. Vito says he has one week to give him and answer, and then there’s a beatdown. 

Vince Russo walking down the steps with the bat, what is this, TNA 2004? 

J-Rod is being interviewed and she’s pissed at Sophia Rose. Her former partner, who she only replaced because “that bitch was hurt”, but there’s gonna be a Motor City Mauling next week. 

Jeeves vs Vince Russo

Vince walks out with his Baseball bat, to his Iron Man intro music. Jeeves cuts a promo on Vince being a snake, trying to fake play nice and give Violent J back 50% of what he used to own 100% of. Vince tells him to shut the fuck up, calls him a Tiger King wannabe. Vince starts talking shit about Detroit, EC3, and the crowd starts a “Fuck New York” chant. Vince says that EC3 is screwing them with his 3 Week tour in Canada searching for Sasquatch. Vince beats the piss out of Jeeves with the baseball bat.

Repeated baseball bat shots after the initial sneak attack. Violent J comes out, and J shoves Vince, Vince ALMOST swings at J, but stops. He puts the bat to Violent J’s chest and shoves him but walks away.

Overall Score: 5/10

The sound issues made TNA look like WWE when it comes to Live production quality. So I had to take some points off for that. We got more decent matches than usual with Bronson vs Facade, Choppa City & Future Endeavors and the Freya vs Gisele match… but hell, production was awful. There’s a lot of great things in the works though. Sophia and J-Rod with a feud to run parallel to Dani Mo and Alice is great. Gisele or Freya getting added to a full time roster would be huge. Future Endeavors deserves the tag titles, they are so much fun to watch. Vito and the Luciano family are scumfuck bastards. OH YEAH, and Joel Gertner, the rotund taco meat swaying cunning linguist…I always enjoy when he shows up. Let’s hope whoever is associate is, isn’t a goofball and just someone that needs a mouthpiece.

Final thought is…push Bronson more, and make sure we can hear when he talks. That Cajun Catfish flavored Charm deserves all the microphone time. Red Love needs more love.

Still as entertaining as it always is, just a bigger mess with the audio issues and the sudden cut to the stream feed. Technical difficulties…gotta love em.