Andrew’s IMPACT Results & Match Ratings: 5.4.2023

Now we all have seen some buzz about Trinity Fatu (Naomi) debuting at Impact during these Chicago tapings. They aren’t shy about, and seem to have embraced the spoilers.

There are other stories, but most people are probably interested in what Trinity has to say. So let’s just get the show coverage started.

.@DirtyDangoCurty is on a mission to find out who attacked @milanmiracle! @joehendry #IMPACTonAXSTV pic.twitter.com/xFG8QvDT6J

— IMPACT (@IMPACTWRESTLING) May 5, 2023

Ratings:

• Bhupinder Gujjar & Yuya Uemura vs Brian Myers & Moose: Moose wins via Lights Out – **
• Sami Callihan vs Kon w/Deaner & Angels: NO CONTEST – *
• Alisha Edwards vs Jody Threat: Jody wins via F-416 – * 3/4
• Steve Maclin, Champagne Singh & Shera vs PCO, Heath & Rhino: PCO wins via PCO-Sault – ** 1/4
• Jonathan Gresham vs Speedball Mike Bailey: Gresham wins via Octopus Hold – *** 1/2

Results:

Bhupinder Gujjar & Yuya Uemura vs Brian Myers & Moose

Gujjar and Myers start off together with Gujjar getting the best of the early exchange. Tags in Yuya, and then we see them go for some tandem moves but there needs to be a beat of communication. It’s kinda nice to see a simple moment of communicating the intended move as a way for younger wrestlers and a new tag team to start getting familiar with one another.

Yuya and Moose have their moments together where Yuya gets the best of the early goings as well. Big double dive gives all the momentum to the younger wrestlers until Moose and Myers cut him off while on the top rope and take advantage of the crafty veteran shortcut. Myers works over Yuya, but the simultaneous offense moment gives Yuya the chance to tag in Gujjar. Hot tag spot is only slightly tripped up because Gujjar screws up the Kip Up, but honestly it gets a little annoying seeing everyone use a Kip Up during high intensity moments. Gujjar tries to set up his terrible Gargoyle Spear, Moose dodges, goes for Lights Out, Gujjar dodges and turns it into a Slingblade for 2. Myers breaks up the pinfall, then eats a Springboard Sole Butt; but Moose comes out of nowhere with the Lights Out to kill Gujjar and pick up the win.

Did @TheTreyMiguel attack @milanmiracle!?@joehendry @DirtyDangoCurty #IMPACTonAXSTV pic.twitter.com/NnKeU82CDG

— IMPACT (@IMPACTWRESTLING) May 5, 2023

Sami Callihan vs Kon w/Deaner & Angels

Initially the assumption was that Deaner would fight Sami, but we should all know better the leader wouldn’t put himself out there like that. So he swerves Sami by saying the match is against Kon. Early mugging before the bell starts off with the typical babyface from underneath idea. Sami demands the match start, and we get the official start.

Sami has an quick comeback but then Kon stabilizes and starts overpowering Sami. Some offense capped off with a wear down Bear Hug spot finally gives Sami a spot to reenergize. Sami fights out, strike exchange, Kon lays in a few Vader Hammers but then Sami counters Kon’s charge with a Samoan Drop. Numbers game attempt, but while the ref is distracted Sami kicks Kon in the nuts. He calls Deaner into the ring, Deaner hits the apron gives him the thumbs down and the yellow hoodie wearing goon squad hits the ring to attack Sami and throw out the match.

Stupid ending, stupid faction with a bunch of jobbers, the faction that was cool with Eric Young and Joe Doering…is now a sad shell of its former self. 

.@RealNickAldis has no problem EARNING an IMPACT World Title match but @KennyKingPb2 isn't buying it. #IMPACTonAXSTV pic.twitter.com/mHjfQ9jKwt

— IMPACT (@IMPACTWRESTLING) May 5, 2023

Yes I am mostly inserting this interview because it has Jimmy Jacobs and no real other reason. Do It For Her, as some would say. 

Alisha Edwards vs Jody Threat

Lish with a big open hand slap, Jody starts rocking her and even returns the slap before driving her into a corner to bounce her head off the buckles a bit. Jody tosses Lish into the ropes, goes for the Leg Drape, but Lish moves, pulls her down from the ropes, rams her head into the mat multiple times with her knees and starts trash talking a little.

Jody Drop Toehold puts Lish against the ropes, Double Knees to the back, German Suplex, and then F-416. Lish’s new persona is great, but she’s still jobbing out a bit.

.@MeanGiaMiller is standing by with The Motor City Machine Guns to talk #UnderSiege! @fakekinkade @SuperChrisSabin #IMPACTonAXSTV pic.twitter.com/n2tE6Xkqx6

— IMPACT (@IMPACTWRESTLING) May 5, 2023

Steve Maclin, Champagne Singh & Shera vs PCO, Heath & Rhino

PCO starts and Singh tags out Maclin before the official start as he’s trying to kiss ass. PCO starts eating Singh’s lunch, because Singh sucks. Rhino comes in, lays in some shots, shoots him into the rope, Shoulder Tackle for a crowd pose. Singh gets in a few moves of offense but Rhino lights him up and tags in Heath. So Heath starts bouncing some offense into the corner. Heath places Singh in a dumb spot for Shera to get the blind tag and Shera starts manhandling Heath.

Maclin of course tags in because Heath is beaten down a bit, a “He’s Got Kids” chant starts and Heath fires up. Maclin tries to wipe out the enemy corner but PCO gives Maclin second thoughts, the distraction allows for Heath to hit a Powerslam and then stereo tags. PCO is now destroying Singh again. PCO is just a psychopath. Zombie con Hilo, Deanimator connects! Shera attacks PCO after the Deanimator connects. Triple team attempt, Shera and Singh try to set up Caught in the Crosshairs, but PCO falls out of the Tree of Woe. Maclin tries to inform the idiots, but they’re too stupid, they get laid out, Maclin powders and eats a Gore!

Singh tries to pay off PCO, Heath hits a Wake Up Call, PCO-Sault wins the match. Not surprising, but everyone being able to hit their finish was nice.

Jonathan Gresham vs Speedball Mike Bailey

A lot of early jockeying for position and small headlock advantages but a proverbial stalemate for the first few minutes. Its not until after the first commercial and a Dropkick that Bailey nearly takes control…but we’re back to trading Arm Bars and Arm Drags…are we going to get a Moss Covered Three Handled Family Credenza also? Now we just get some mat and join manipulation from Gresham before Bailey tries to keep things rocking and rolling to free up his joints.

Series of kicks into the Standing Shooting Star Press gives Bailey a 2. Buzzsaw Kick attempt but Gresham counters and tries to run Bailey into the ropes for a Victory Roll, but Bailey sneaks in a Cross Armbar, Backflip Knees, Combo Kicks sends Gresham stumbling to the apron, Yakuza Kick drops Gresham onto the Apron, Slingshot Knee Drop crashes into Gresham and then a Golden Triangle Moonsault sends us to commercial with Bailey in full control. Coming off the commercial Bailey drapes Gresham over the top rope and hits the Rocky Romero half of Strong Zero for 2.

Bailey charges, Gresham counters with a Cradle, a few quick Cradle attempts, two La Magistral attempts from Gresham but only near falls for everyone. Arm Wringer from Gresham, Bailey tries to roll through and create a spot, but Gresham maintains, a Pump Kick finally gives Speedball some space, Gresham stutters runs forward and gets caught with a Standing Spanish Fly for 2! They trade styles, Gresham works the arm, looks for a submission but a few straight side kicks rocks Gresham, Tornado Kicks connect! Ultima Weapon…misses! Position work and then Speedball gets caught in the Octopus and taps out.

.@TheTrinity_Fatu has ARRIVED! #IMPACTonAXSTV pic.twitter.com/AkcWNiWJID

— IMPACT (@IMPACTWRESTLING) May 5, 2023

Not exactly paint by numbers intro, but nothing shocking. Deonna comes out and makes a “You can’t walk out” joke, Trinity responds by telling her she’s going to wish she got fired again. Jordynne Grace comes out to set a tone that she’s game for a fight as well, but she doesn’t want Deonna losing sight of the Under Siege match. Trinity did do her homework about the history of the Knockouts Division, but given the fact she came from the era of WWE she did…its not like it was hard to learn. I’ll look forward to how they market Trinity (they were saying SHINE often instead of GLOW), and how her first real match goes. 

Overall Score: 6.25/10

A recurring statement from me lately, where the story building and entertainment was really solid in the show…but not so much the wrestling. The main event was the best match of the night and it was also the worst those two have had in their 4 IMPACT tussles. So the predictability of the matches is getting to be far too common place. I understand that Under Siege is mostly just a road bump to Slammiversary; but I really need to start seeing more competitive dynamics to get invested in any of these matches. Putting two main event guys against a youngster new tag team isn’t hard to see the outcome. Alisha has done nothing but be enhancement talent since she’s been an active part of Impact, The Design is so trash they make the Dark Order look like peak nWo.

Lets also not overlook the fact that the 6 man was obvious because Shera and Champagne Singh were involved, but the only real wrinkle that developed was Rhino hitting a Gore to piss off Maclin and earn himself a title shot next week. Impact needs to start trimming the fat (yes I mean fire some of the trash people, The Design and Champagne Singh immediately come to mind), and throw together stories where the opposition is more evenly matched. No more of this gang tactic job squad idiot crap.

Biggest positive to come from the show was Alex Shelley declaring that he’s just going to win the World Championship since he doesn’t love being known as “the best to never win the belt”. I would be totally game for Shelley beating Maclin at either Slammiversary or Bound For Glory.