Entertainment

Mitchell’s Hyrule Puro-Resu News! (5/5/20)

The Dark Forces respond!

Published

5 years ago

May 5, 2020

Steven Mitchell

Hyrule Puro-Resu stars have been busy on social media!

There has been so much going on in HPW, and so much to say! The Dark Forces respond to the Goddess Championship news! Plus, we hear from the Hero of Hyrule!

Cia and The Dark Forces have posted a video.

The Black Sorceress sits on an ornate armchair with her “generals,” Scorching Berserker Volga and Wizzro the Twisted Wizard, on either side of her. She caresses her scepter while frowning. “Zelda, Zelda, Zelda. That’s all I ever hear. Oh, Zelda, the Princess of Hyrule! Zelda, the daughter of Nick Foolyear! Zelda the spoiled brat who gets everything she wants!” Cia is sick and tired of Zelda getting praise and opportunities she doesn’t deserve! Zelda lied to everyone to get into the Triforce Tournament. Isn’t lying a bad thing? But her punishment is barely anything! Zelda is still in this contender’s match! If any other female wrestler did that, would they be “punished” with an alternate title opportunity? Cia doubts that.

“But it’s fine.” Cia will just beat Zelda again. And she doesn’t care what the adjusted record says, or what the schedule overlap was. To Cia, there are no excuses of “But she was Sheik~! She had another match~!” A great wrestler is a great wrestler and a loss is a loss. “And Zelda is going to lose again, because <i>that</i> is what that brat deserves!” Strong words, but will Cia back them up? Or will she be forced to eat them in the ring?

Triforce Champion, Link, is visiting Kakariko Village.

The Hero of Hyrule is in his hometown for a photoshoot with HPW Media. He poses with the title in front of his old high school, and shakes hands with fans among the students and staff. The principal proudly shows Link that he is now in the Kakariko Alumni Hall of Fame. Link is flattered, and a little embarrassed, as he poses for more pictures alongside his yearbook photos.

“Oi, Link! Link!” Groose walks over as Link heads to his car. He was looking all over town for his “old pal,” but never thought he’d be at a school. Groose then notices the cameras, and says HPW should get a shot of the two champions together. Link reluctantly agrees, and the two stand side by side, resting their respective title belts on their shoulders. Groose compliments Link on the nice suit and car. Well, the suit is nicer than the car, actually. Groose didn’t even think Link had a car. Or that he knew how to drive. But that’s besides the point. Groose says he wanted to check in with his old training partner, see how he was doing. Link starts to say they weren’t training partners, but Groose cuts him off by saying they should train together again some time. Groose has to get ready for his match with Ghirahim Mazokucho, and Link needs to stay sharp while waiting for a challenger.

Link starts to say something but Groose gives him a pat on the back. Groose is confident the two of them will be fine, though. Groose will beat down that “tongue flicking weirdo” and Link will be ready for either Ganondorf or Igos du Ikana. Right? Of course Groose is right. Now how about more pictures? Groose gives Link another hard pat on the back, and then holds his Death Mountain Championship up in the air. Link reluctantly does the same with his belt, and has perhaps been roped into something by the gung-ho Groose. Will training with Triforce Champion help Groose prepare for his first title defense?

My Thoughts:

Okay, similarly to my previous Hyrule Puro-Resu article, there was going to be more news pretty quickly. But also, I realized I wasn’t giving enough attention to Link. He needed to have a segment of some kind so that he wouldn’t be a completely absent champion. We’ve gotten that enough from the WWE finding ways to go back to Brock Lesnar. At the same time, I realized having Link as a pro-wrestler at all is tough, because he doesn’t really speak in the official games. His dialogue in the original April Fools’ article was based off the infamous Philips CDI games and for laughs, but how could he be a serious character? The easy solution was obviously what you just read in having Groose take care of the talking, even if it meant interrupting Link. But I don’t I’ll make another article like this before June, I’m going to be too focused on writing those three matches.

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