Entertainment

Mitchell’s Hyrule Puro-Resu News Report! (12/12/20)

Late night at Ghirahim’s!

Published

4 years ago

December 12, 2020

Steven Mitchell

Who is outside Ghirahim’s house? Who who who who?

The Living Blade is getting ready to retire Rauru, but he needs a good night sleep. And for some reason, that isn’t happening. What’s going on outside?

There’s something making noise outside Ghirahim’s bedroom.

Ghirahim turns on a light and angrily goes to the window. He’s right up against the window as he peers out into the night. There’s something on the branch of a tree bare of leaves. “The hell is that…?” It turns its head to look back at Ghirahim. And then it hoots! It’s an owl! A giant owl! “The hell is an owl doing in my backyard? There’s nothing around for it to hunt! Wait. Wait…! That son of a b*tch!”

Ghirahim throws his window open and shouts at the owl! “Rauru, you old turkey, I know that’s you!” “Who.” Don’t play dumb, Rauru, Ghirahim sees through your disguise! “There’s no way there’s an owl as big and fat as you are!” “Who.” You! Rauru, the “Wise Old Owl who’s more like a big jackass keeping me up late!”

A neighbor yells at Ghirahim to quiet down but Ghirahim shouts back, “You shut up! There’s a giant owl in my backyard, that’s actually a guy whose too afraid I’m gonna beat his ass, so he’s trying to keep me up this late with his stupid hoot-hooting!” The neighbor says that’s clearly just an owl. “What?! Are you blind?! It’s as big as my couch, it’s clearly Rauru!” “Who?” “Oh don’t you start with that!”

Ghirahim ignores his neighbor to glare at the owl that may or may not be Rauru in disguise. “Listen up, Rauru. Or if you really aren’t Rauru, then you tell him this for me! Rauru isn’t going to retire just because I beat him, 1-2-3, or because I make him submit, tap, pass out, whatever. Rauru is gonna retire because I break his bones! A leg, an arm, ribs, it doesn’t matter! When this year is through, so is Rauru!” Ghirahim then closes his window, turns off the lights and goes back to bed. Will the #CelebrationofGreatness be the Wise Old Owl’s swan song?

My Thoughts:

I immediately had this idea after writing the November event article so I had to make this part of the HyruleMania build. Ghirahim starts to get some #TheJohnnyGarganoWay Johnny Gargano qualities in his promo, but that’s just because Gargano is so good at being a flippant, short-tempered Heel. If HPW was any more parody than it already is, I think this character would just be Johnny Ghirahim.

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Entertainment

Mitchell’s Hyrule Puro-Resu News Report! (5/23/25)

What’s with all the glowing?

Published

4 days ago

May 23, 2025

Steven Mitchell

HPW Investigates: The Glowing Aura Phenomenon…

Riju, Sidon, Thunderbird, Donny B. Kool, Yunobo. Five stars of HPW have had powerful performances, but there’s something more to it… What is the reason behind this modern mystery? And could there be another?

Reviewing the timeline of events…

March 21st, the Triforce Tournament Bracket Finals

As the Gerudo Sisterhood was settling its grudge, Riju fought as hard as she could as the massive underdog against the Dame of the Dunes. Riju would survive heavy impact, begin to glow as she made her comeback, but Shabonne made sure she would lose the match. On that same night, we would see Sidon and Thunderbird each have their own moment where, after surviving heavy damage, they would begin to glow and make their comebacks. From there, Sidon and Thunderbird would win their way into the Triforce Tournament Finals at the Triforce Annivesary show.

April 1st, The Triforce Anniversary

Not only would we see Sidon & Thunderbird each bring out that same glowing energy, but Donny B. Kool would bring out that same phenomenon during the 21 Person Battle Royal. Donny held his own, but with that many opponents, winning was unlikely, and he was eliminated fifth-to-last.

May 1st, Wrestling Is Life

Yunobo won that 21 Person Battle Royal in April, and made his challenge for the HPW Death Mountain Championship. Igos du Ikana was as sharp as ever, but both men pushed each other to their limits. Yunobo powered through submissions and sharp strikes, bringing about the glowing aura, but Igos still won the match and retained the title.

So what might this all mean?

Five stars have been seen with glowing auras during the emotional heights of these matches. Or perhaps, the glowing auras are the results of these emotional heights? Could they be brought about by the “fighting spirit” within each one and in turn bring out new strength and energy? Each one of the five certainly seemed to “dig down deep” and fight like they were rising above mortal expectations.

Another detail that must be considered is the number of people who have presented this glowing aura phenomenon. Five people, with no connections between them: Riju the Gerudo; Sidon the Zora; Thunderbird the Ruto; Donny B. Kool the Gero; and Yunobo the Goron. Granted, they’re all young, and certainly leading this new generation forward. But the number itself is a point of focus. Needless to say that in Hyrule, three is the magic number, originating with the Triforce of legend. Therefore, multiples of three are also important. Five recorded phenomena, could this be a breaking of the norm? Or could there be a sixth?

Images flash on screen of the many faces on the HPW roster. Who could it be that enters the GAP?