Entertainment

Mitchell’s Hyrule Puro-Resu News Report! (11/1/21)

Fallout from Clash of Shadows 2!

Published

3 years ago

November 1, 2021

Steven Mitchell

HPW is on the Road to HyruleMania 2!

HPW made it through another Clash of Fates, and we hear from the wrestlers who made it through to the other side!

After the HPW Termina Championship Dangerous Hazards match.

The Ikana Royal Family meets Captain Keeta backstage.

Keta apologizes to Igos du Ikana for losing the match and besmirching the name of Ikana. Igos says it is fine, “There is still time.” He looks to Stal-Kid, Sir Hurr & Sir Durr and they nod, but we already know how that goes…

Osphala walks backstage, tissue in his nose.

He’s stopped his bloody nose and gives a thumbs up. He also gets ice packs for his back now as he sits down for a moment. “I’m beat up but I’m feeling good. Whatever’s next for me and this title, I’m up for it.” Will the Gleaming Yellow Light be bright and shining for November?

After the HPW Goddess Championship.

Shabonne helps Tali to the back.

Tali’s neck hurts from the Figure Four Necklock Zelda used on her, so Shabonne takes care of talking. “We have to respect Princess Zelda. We have to! She is a great talent, as we all just saw. But that will NOT stop the future of wrestling! Tali will be back, she will become Goddess Champion, and you will witness her new era!”

Zelda walks to the back.

The Goddess Champion raises her belt for a quick photo op, then puts it on her shoulder. “I have to give Tali a lot of credit. You can’t coach size or strength. If she gets another shot, I might be in trouble. But I’ll be ready for whoever it is at HyruleMania 2. And I’m looking forward to being the one champion who’s made it a full year here in HPW.” Will the Princess of Hyrule set a benchmark for all of Hyrule to chase after?

After the HPW Triforce Championship.

Link and Aryll walk backstage.

She wants him to go back for Kage, who turned out to be their long lost brother, but Link refuses. She asks why. Is it because he refuses to believe? She didn’t know what to make of it herself when grandma showed her the box with all the documents in it. But the birth certificate was official, and there were even photos! Aryll has it on her phone and wants to show Link. Link won’t look but she shows the camera. It’s a bit hard to see the full picture from glare, the faces of their mother and father are hard to make out but it is clear there are twin baby Hylian boys on the mother’s lap. Aryll says that’s proof enough that Kage and Link are twins, they’re both her older brothers.

HPW Media asks Aryll what happened then. How did Kage end up with the mean old sage but Link stayed with the family? There was a kidnapping. Their father was at work and the boys had been put down for a nap. Someone broke in, took one of the boys, but woke the other. Their cries alerted the mother and the kidnapper left with only one boy. The sage may have been the very person who kidnapped the twin that ended up as Kage. Aryll hopes that they can be a family. The sage isn’t around to poison Kage’s mind, he can be their brother. Link and Aryll stare down, and Link sighs. He still leaves without a word. Will Link accept the truth?

The Dark Forces wait as Kage storms in.

He kicks the table and knocks it over, the water bottles on it falling to the floor! Cia calms him down and he grumbles, “Not my brother.” Cia says that was a “horrible, controversial and almost offensive way to finish a match.” It doesn’t matter if it’s true or not, you don’t bring family drama up in the middle of a match, it’s not professional. But don’t worry, the Dark Forces will redeem themselves in the Hyrule Warriors match! Well…

After the Hyrule Warriors match.

Captain Bokoblin marches in.

“CAPTAIN! BOKOoOoOOoO~BLIN!” And then he marches right out, pointing his club and flapping his cape. Maybe we’ll see him again before next year’s Hyrule Warriors match.

Oaky Treetoh and her super fans enter.

Her fans work to cheer her up after being eliminated. Treetoh thanks them and says that she won’t let this get her down! She’ll be a great role model with her perseverance! Then she sings her theme song on her way out.

El Hijo del Torbellino walks in.

The Zora luchador thanks HPW for this opportunity. He got to share the ring with Fin Balure before, and he was happy to share it again, even though they didn’t make it to the end.

Ruto walks in.

She also thanks HPW for this opportunity to return to the ring. “It was great to see my old rival, Nabooru, again, as well as a lot of the newer generation. But don’t think this was a one night thing. I’ll be back for more.”

Ganondorf storms in.

HPW Media congratulates him on setting a new record for eliminations at seven. “Oh, really? Well that’s nice. Oh wait, who gives a damn?! Forged By Violence, you boys are gonna need to change your name to Broken By Violence.” He’ll be coming for them soon enough.

Ghirahim storms in.

He’s of course furious at Midna for foiling his plan but he can’t even really form words. Midna walks in next and he turns to confront her, but she tells him to not even bother. They can have it out at whatever HPW has planned for November. Ghirahim takes a second, and then says, “Fine. I’ll see you in November!”

The Dark Forces regroup backstage.

Cia shouts, “Can no one win fair and square?” What was that about pulling the buckle pads off? HPW Media points out Cia used a kendo stick in the match. But that didn’t lead to anyone’s elimination, did it? No? Then shut up! “Those three lowlifes are up to their old tricks, and now they’ve got what they want. But it doesn’t matter who faces Link at HyruleMania, we’ll be waiting on the other side.” But then the news comes in that Yuga turned on Hilda and eliminated her! Cia is surprised, and then she laughs. “Serves her right!” With things falling apart for Hilda’s trio, are The Dark Forces HPW’s strongest faction again?

Hilda storms in.

“Where’s a television? I need to see how this finishes!” The staff help her find a monitor and she watches while sipping water. She grumbles, “Traitorous rat,” while the camera is on Yuga. She gets confused as to what Ravio is doing and tells the chicken to get back in the ring. But then Ravio attacks with the kendo stick and the double knees and Hilda shouts, “YES! That’s what you get, Yuga!” But then she realizes, Ravio won?! She’d almost think she was dreaming.

Ravio walks in.

He’s very bashful and modest for having just won the biggest match of his career. Second Triforce Tournament Bracket of Courage winner and now the second Hyrule Warriors winner. But how does he feel about taking on the Triforce Champion? Ravio’s very excited, Link’s a great guy and he looks forward to a great match. Hilda enters and tells Ravio to “grow a pair already!” She tells Ravio that he’s going to beat Link and take that title from him to usher in a new era! Right? RIGHT? R-Right, Lady Hilda! Good. “Now let’s get going. You start training in the morning.” Training?! Did Ravio win a ton of baggage on top of his golden opportunity?

My Thoughts:

Just kinda whipped this up all at once. The November go-home PPV to HyruleMania 2 will have to have quite a bit in it to determine some other contenders, but there are also some feuds that can go into New Year’s Eve. I’m already thinking of setting the next “event” for Thanksgiving, so it could end up a rather stuffed full article.

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Entertainment

Mitchell’s Hyrule Puro-Resu News Report! (4/10/25)

It’s gonna be May!

Published

1 week ago

April 10, 2025

Steven Mitchell

There’s been a slight change in the forecast…

There may not be a storm on the horizon, but when Wrestling Is Life, every day is unpredictable! What does HPW have planned for May Day?

HPW prepares for the storm ahead…

Blood & Thunder still beckons, and the Faces of Evil need to defend their HPW World Trios Championships. Therefore, Wrestling Is Life will see two qualifying trios matches! After the controversial nature of losing the titles at HyruleMania, Arrow Club is given a spot in these qualifiers. And they will be facing familiar foes in TSDQ! The Studly Don’t Quit, but will they make it through to ThunderStruck? As for the second qualifier, Los Taros Locos will return in hopes of stampeding up to the top of HPW, but they’ll be up against quite the mysterious team. Cia represents the OG Dark Forces expelled from the group, and she’ll bring her sister, Lana, with her!

But who is their third partner? They didn’t name them, so who could it be? Volga? Kevin Gibdo? Or even Wizzro? Will keeping it an unknown be the key to winning?

Igos du Ikana speaks.

From inside his shadowy throne room, The Ruler of Ruin looks at the HPW Death Mountain Championship on a pedestal. “The HPW Death Mountain Championship. A championship created not just to commemorate one of Hyrule’s greatest landmarks, but also to commemorate one of Hyrule’s greatest wrestling promotions. Death Mountain Wrestling was a vital part of wrestling history, where legends would pave the way for a new generation, and inspire many more. Not unlike Termina Championship Wrestling.”

Igos walks past the pedestal to look to a trophy case. Igos looks to his copy of the classic TCW Championship, and even of the High Noon Championship. There are also poster sized pictures of Igos’ greatest moments, such as the first time he won the TCW title, and the last time he held it while TCW was still active. Igos continues by saying, “I say this not because you don’t know. Of course you know this. I say this so that you might understand. I say this because I need you to understand. You have great aspirations, and strong ambition, but I don’t think you understand what you’re attempting to achieve.

“You stand at the foot of a mountain, it’s shadow upon you. That mountain’s name is legacy. You want to climb the mountain. You want to reach the top and plant your own flag at the summit. You want everyone to see you, to look up to you, to acknowledge you. But this climb is more challenging than you know. This climb is more challenging than you can handle. These belts may only be ten pounds, but they weigh so much more once you put them on. You are not ready for the climb. You are not ready to carry that weight. You are not ready to push yourself, step after step, inch after inch, as the mountain only grows steeper and steeper. And you never will be.

“So I tell you this not because you do not know. I tell you this so that you may understand. You must turn back now, find another path forward, before it is too late. Before you fall… to ruin.” It is clear who this message is for, but will young Yunobo heed this grizzled warrior’s warning?

HPW Deep Dive: Wisdom VS Power.

The Princess of Hyrule visits Hero of Hyrule, Link, now that he’s home from the hospital. He still needs bed rest, given everything Ganon did to him. He has bandages around his head, and his sister, Aryll, checks his stitches. 13 stitches all along the hairline. They’re holding well, no bleeding. Zelda sits with Link and holds his hand. She apologizes for what happened, but Link shakes his head. Aryll agrees, Zelda’s not to blame, Ganon and his Dark Forces are. They ruined her moment, they beat Link down, so they they have to be stopped. Ganon’s coming after the title anyway, so Zelda can get payback at the same time.

Ganon says, “Like I give a damn.” The Gerudo Ace lounges in his manor, The Dark Forces all around him. That now includes Shabonne & Tali, sporting new ensembles to reflect joining up. The Faces of Evil have their HPW World Trios Championships while Ganon has the Triforce Tournament trophy in hand. Ganon then mockingly says, “YoU dEsErVe It~! YoU dEsErVe It~!” Audio from the Triforce Anniversary event is interspliced here, as well as flashes of Zelda being emotional as she has the title belt put on.

“Isn’t it strange that Zelda takes the fall at HyruleMania, but I’m the one relegated to the tournament? And she clearly has that pointy eared little simp wrapped around her finger, or else he wouldn’t have even agreed to the match. But hey, what do I know? I only beat Link one-on-one in his first defense, then beat Zelda one-on-one in my first defense. I’m the Triple Crown Champion, I beat legends of TCW, and I’m this year’s Triforce Tournament winner. No one is more deserving of that title, of whatever title there is, than me! Isn’t that right?” The group all say, “Yeah!”

Ganon says, “The Dark Forces will be golden!” The group again shouts, “Yeah!” Ganon says, “The Dark Forces RUNS HPW!” The group again shouts, “YEAH!!” The Dark Forces all raise a glass to drink it up, while Link rests his head on Zelda’s shoulder and she rests her head on his. The Princess of Hyrule may reign, but will she fail to trump the Gerudo Ace? The countdown is on until May 1st, when Wrestling is Life!