Easily the coolest thing you’ll read all day, Steve Cook presents his July 2000 speech on the lowly Cincinnati Bengals–what a long way they, and he, have come!

I was going to write about NFL matters not involving the Super Bowl this week, and did a little something on Thursday night. A bit about the Washington Commanders, some on Tom Brady’s retirement, things like that. As it turned out, when I woke up Friday morning I decided that I didn’t really like what I’d written. This happens pretty often. Sometimes I post it anyway, other times I scrap the idea and come up with something else. Then there’s times where I decide to revisit previous work that has become relevant again due to current events.

As I’m sure most of you know, the Cincinnati Bengals are playing in Super Bowl LVI. Those of you regular readers are aware of my fandom of the team, which goes back to just before the last time they’d won a playoff game prior to this postseason. I’ve been writing & talking about the Bengals just as long as I’ve been writing & talking about pro wrestling. It’s debatable which topic I know more about, or whether I know anything about either topic or not.

Back in July 2000, I was at summer camp with my Boy Scout troop. Camp Crooked Creek was a glorious place indeed. One of the merit badge classes I was taking was Communications. One of the requirements for getting the badge was to write a five-minute speech and give it in front of an audience. I decided that it would be fun to give a speech about the Bengals, specifically about why they were the worst team in professional sports.

It was a rough time to be a Bengals fan. Bruce Coslet was the head coach, Dick LeBeau would become head coach during the 2000 season. Akili Smith was going to be the quarterback after being drafted third overall in the 1999 NFL Draft. The only players of note to non-diehard Bengals fans were running back Corey Dillon & offensive tackle Willie Anderson. The Bengals went 4-12 in 1999, and would go 4-12 in 2000. Hope was not a word associated with the Bengals at this time, and wouldn’t be for a few more years.

The tricky part about doing the speech: I didn’t have a cell phone. I didn’t have access to my Bengals books or sports almanacs. I’m sure kids these days have cell phones at summer camp, and the camps are equipped with proper Wi-Fi, but this wasn’t the case in 2000. So I had to write this thing off the top of my head. As you’ll see, I didn’t exactly have all the key stats memorized.

I found the speech five years ago and re-printed it for The Ultimate Sports Blog. Since it’s been five years and I don’t think that cutthroat sumbitch Dustin James will mind too much, it seems like a fine time to re-re-visit my Boy Scouts Communications speech from July 2000. I’ve included some notes from the present day, and made a couple of grammatical changes, otherwise this is Steve Cook from back in the day.

“Why The Cincinnati Bengals Are The Worst Team In Sports”

In the wide world of sports, you have teams that are known for their great accomplishments in the past, like the New York Yankees, the Dallas Cowboys & the Brazil soccer team. On the other side of the coin, though, are teams that are known for sucking year in and year out, like the L.A. Clippers, the Chicago Cubs, and any team from Canada. (Note: Not sure where the Canada shade came from.) But, is there any team worse than the Cincinnati Bengals?

The Bengals came into existence in 1968, as part of the AFL, which became the AFC plus Cleveland, Pittsburgh & Baltimore in 1970. They’re won 2 of the last 15 Super Bowls. Anyway, the Bengals were founded by former Cleveland coach Paul Brown. He coached the team for the first few years until he got tired of it. The Bengals struggled the first couple of years until 1970, when they went 11-3 and made the playoffs.

The Bengals were mediocre until 1982, when they made their first Super Bowl. Against the San Francisco 49ers, they took a lead of 21-0 in the first half. (Note: Actually the Bengals were down 20-0 at the half. I was a little confused here.) The final score was 28-21, 49ers. (Note: 26-21, 49ers.) The 49ers quarterback, someone named Joe Montana, took control of the game and doomed the Bengals to defeat.

Throughout the mid 70s & early 80s, the Bengals quarterback was their current quarterbacks coach, Ken Anderson. (Note: Anderson was the club’s offensive coordinator in 2000. Really nice guy.) He led them to their first Super Bowl, but another would lead them to their 2nd Super Bowl. Norman “Boomer” Esiason was the MVP of the NFL in 1988, and led the Bengals into their 2nd Super Bowl against the 49ers. The Bengals led 24-21 with a couple of minutes to go. (Note: 16-13) The final score was 28-24, 49ers. (Note: 20-16, 49ers.) That quarterback for the 49ers, Joe Montana did it again to the Bengals, engineering a length of the field drive in the last couple of minutes.

Although the Bengals had lost both times in the Super Bowl, the fans still stayed behind the Bengals. Through the next couple of years, the Bengals had their moments. They beat the Houston Oilers 61-7. Ickey Woods did the Ickey Shuffle. Anthony Munoz went to many Pro Bowls. Sam Wyche said “You don’t live in Cleveland, you live in Cincinnati!”

The good times would soon end for the Bengals. At the 1992 NFL Draft, the Bengals drafted the man who they thought would be the man in Cincinnati, a quarterback from the University of Houston, David Klingler. He sucked. He led the Bengals to a couple of 3-13 seasons. Also, coach Sam Wyche was fired and replaced by coaching legend Don Shula’s son Dave. Some said that Dave would follow in his dad’s footsteps and win a lot of games. He didn’t.

Klingler was the first of many sucky draft choices for the Bengals. In 1994, they drafted Dan “Big Daddy” Wilkinson. While Big Daddy was a pretty good player (Note: I’m being generous here.), he was not worth the amount of money they paid him.

But perhaps one of the worst draft choices the Bengals made was in 1995 when they picked Ki-Jana Carter. (Note: “perhaps”?) Carter had come out of Penn State as one of the best running backs ever in college. In his first exhibition game with the Bengals, Carter tore his ACL and missed his entire rookie year. He was never the same, and was eventually released.

You can sum up the decade of the 90’s for the Bengals with 2 numbers, 3 & 13. It was their record for most of the 90’s. Whether it was Sam Wyche, Dave Shula or Bruce Coslet coaching, Boomer Esiason, David Klingler, Jeff Blake, Neil O’Donnell, or Akili Smith in the quarterback position, or another player in the Bengal stripes, they could do no good.

However, it is a new decade, with new possibilities. With a new stadium, the Bengals can compete on a level playing field with most other teams. (Note: Can’t believe I bought that “new stadiums make teams more competitive” talking point. Young & dumb.) If the Bengals can trade in their bad luck for some really good luck, things will be different for the Bengals and their long suffering fans. I wouldn’t bet on it, though.

———-

It took a couple of decades, but things are finally different for the Bengals and their long suffering fans. If I had a kid, they wouldn’t be able to make a speech about how the Cincinnati Bengals are the worst team in all of sports. I would suggest the Browns or the Lions, and perhaps their fans will be in Bengals’ fans spots in twenty years. Stranger things have happened.

Thanks for taking this trip down memory lane with me! Hit me up on the Twitter with your thoughts on the Bengals or anything else.