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This card got shuffled more than a starting hand in Magic the Gathering. I usually do predictions but with matches getting tweaked, moved and the Countdown being 3 lame enhancement talent matches…I have no energy to pretend I care about this mess.  Which isn’t intended as shade towards VSK, The Batiri or KC Navarro, but, who cares about matches with no build and just thrown together?

I only hope the match quality is decent, because if I didn’t have to cover this…I would rather be doing…anything…literally anything; aside from watching this. A colonoscopy sounds better than this card.

I feel a little bit…… BROKEN @SpeedballBailey @trentseven @MATTHARDYBRAND #TNAUnderSiege pic.twitter.com/RXPT1HREUV

— TNA Wrestling (@ThisIsTNA) May 4, 2024

Ratings:

• Eric Young & Josh Alexander vs Frankie Kazarian & Steve Maclin: EY wins via Piledriver – ** 1/2
• Havok w/Rosemary vs ASH by Elegance w/Personal Concierge Iceman: ASH wins via Head and Arm Cradle – ** 3/4
• Joe Hendry vs Zachary Wentz: Hendry wins via Standing Ovation – ***
• Knockouts Tag Team Titles: Spitfire (Dani Luna & Jody Threat) vs De-MALISH (Masha Slamovich & Alisha Edwards): Lish wins via Pedigree – ** 3/4 – TITLE CHANGE!!
• Rich Swann w/AJ Francis vs Jake Something: Rich wins because who cares – -*
• Kushida vs Jonathan Gresham: Gresham wins via CephaloPin – ***
• PCO & Jordynne Grace vs Kon & Steph de Lander: Grace wins via Juggernaut Driver – *
• X Division Championship: Mustafa Ali (c) vs Ace Austin: Ali retains via 450 Splash – *** 3/4
• The System (Moose, Brian Myers & Eddie Edwards w/Alisha Edwards) vs House Hardy (Broken Matt, Trent the Seventh & Ball of Speed): System wins via System Overload – ****

Results:

Eric Young & Josh Alexander vs Frankie Kazarian & Steve Maclin

Josh brings an extra head gear for EY to protect his surgically reattached ear, and Kaz immediately retreats to the corner to tag in Maclin. EY gets the best of Maclin with a Dropkick, tags in Josh and then Maclin tags out to Kaz. Josh starts tossing Kaz around literally, Maclin tries to interfere but he eats a Hip Toss for his efforts and then Josh lights up Kaz with a Suplex into a Knife Edge Chop with purpose. Josh tries to continue the offense, but Maclin finally catches Josh off guard and trips him during the rope run and Kaz lands the Guillotine Leg Drop for a near fall. Kaz pulls off the Russian Leg Sweep, and another near fall before tagging Maclin in to continue the punishment. Maclin drapes Josh into his corner, Kaz tags back in, Backstabber from the middle ropes, and Kaz locks in a Bow and Arrow submission…but Josh starts to fire as the crowd comes alive. Kaz cuts him off with a Back Elbow and then slaps around Josh due to frustration and then just full mount raining fists down.

We get Maclin tagging in and keeping up very deliberate offense, and Josh remains isolated. The heels keep the tags rolling and Josh stays isolated, but finally Josh gets a boot up, tosses Kaz out of the ring and EY chases Kaz around instead of being in the corner for Josh to tag. Josh tries to catch Kaz running but Kaz turns it around and Maclin levels EY with a Lariat. Kaz goes to the top but Josh pops up and hits an Avalanche Belly to Belly for the simultaneous tag spot. Maclin whips EY, get does the corner Flair Flop, slips through the legs, lands a Death Valley Driver but Kaz tries to get involved, and EY takes care of Kaz. Things breakdown a bit as everyone lands a few big spots, Josh does slip a bit when he’s transitioning into the Triple Suplexes, but its not enough to make the segment look bad. Maclin hits Caught in the Crosshairs, goes for the cover but EY tags out. Maclin posts EY up in the wrong corner so Josh tags himself in, Maclin tries to fight off Josh but Josh lands the Powerbreaker while EY stays reeling on the top corner. Olympic Slam from Maclin, EY comes alive with Macho Man Elbow to break the pinfall. EY and Kaz tag in, so now EY tees off on Kaz. Kaz tries Fade to Black but eats a straight right from Josh, and EY gets a near fall.

Josh and Maclin spill to the outside, but Maclin heads back in to try and deal with EY but misses the Busaiku Knee and hits Kaz. EY rocks Maclin, Maclin eats the Low Crossbody, Piledriver from EY on Kaz and EY and Josh win.

Havok w/Rosemary vs ASH by Elegance w/Personal Concierge Iceman

Iceman brings Holy Water and ASH has a necklace of Garlic around her neck. The sheer carny and fantasy racism (as in not knowing what repulses demons so they take the Vampire angle) is great.

THE POWER OF ASH COMPELS YOU! @Ashamae_Sebera #TNAUnderSiege pic.twitter.com/YqtUQJpMlw

— TNA Wrestling (@ThisIsTNA) May 4, 2024

ASH says Havok is evil, tries a Collar and Elbow tie up, but ASH gets pushed out. ASH uses a few dodge rolls to get under Havok, panders to the crowd all while Havok is stalking her and ASH is playing fear very well. Havok misses a corner Splash, ASH does the sign of the cross, tries her Cartwheel Handspring Back Elbow but Havok catches her, uses a Full Nelson into a Backbreaker. ASH powders and Iceman tries to act like an Old Priest, or the Young Priest and help ASH pray the demons away.

Rosemary scares ASH back to the apron, Havok drags her back in, ASH almost gets an opening but she runs her mouth too much, eats a Headbutt and then Havok chucks her across the ring. Iceman hits the apron, tries to throw Holy Water in her eyes but it just pisses off Havok. Havok goes to the corner for a Banzai Drop, but ASH Avalanche Powerbomb. Rosemary runs off Iceman, drinks the holy water and spits up blood as they both run to the back. This whole match is such carny bullshit…ASH tries to Suplex Havok, Havok says no, pulls off her own Suplex but ASH turns it into a Head and Arm Cradle for the flash victory!

After the match, ASH chokes out Havok with the Garlic Necklace, grabs a chair and gets angry. ASH hits Havok a few times with the chair, Rarefied Air on the steel chair, and ASH walks off proud of herself. Havok tries to crawl after ASH, ASH says she’s gonna die and DDTs Havok directly into the ramp. 

Joe Hendry vs Zachary Wentz

Joe Hendry does something Sean Waltman never did, and got a #6 chant to break out.

Bell rings and Wentz flies at him and keeps the pressure up. Hendry tries to catch him and pull out a Standing Ovation immediately, but Wentz spins out and keeps throwing himself into Hendry, literally. Heading back into the ring, Wentz lands a PK and gets a near fall, hell Wentz even bites Hendry. Wentz goes to the well too many times, Wentz goes for the Dive and Hendry catches him on his shoulders, walks up the steps with Wentz and just chucks him back into the ring. Our #6 Pop Star is rocking and rolling, hits the classic Sack of Shit spot, plays to the crowd a little too long and turns around into a Superkick and flurry of Wentz offense.

SWANTON BOMB from Wentz, but Hendry kicks out! Wentz mocks the Hendry stomp and clap, goes for the UFO Cutter but gets shrugged off and STANDING OVATION! A rascal can’t stop a pop star.

Knockouts Tag Team Titles: Spitfire (Dani Luna & Jody Threat) vs De-MALISH (Masha Slamovich & Alisha Edwards)

Lish runs her mouth at Dani after their single match yesterday but tags out immediately so Masha starts off with Dani. World of Sport chain wrestling start,  Jody blind tag, Drop toe hold, PK, Low Crossbody and Masha is reeling. Quick tag brings Dani back in, Tandem Stalling Vertical Suplex. Keeps Masha upside down for a solid 40 seconds. Masha tries to trike her way out of the problem, Dani fights back up as Masha distracts the ref Lish uses the ropes to help Stun Gun Dani. Masha tags out and Lish is just pie facing Dani and then Dani clocks her and Lish runs to Masha for the tag.

Dani moves too slow to tag out to Jody and Masha cuts her off and starts beating the hell out of her. Tandem attacks, Sliding Dropkick from Masha, Senton from Lish for 2! Lish throws Dani into her corner, Dani fights off Masha and then Lariats Lish. Lish looks for a tag but there’s no Masha and Lish is afraid to turn around. Solid comedy horror spot where she puts her hand behind her and bemoans her situation. Michinoku Driver from Jody, but Masha breaks up the pin and then drags Lish to their corner to tag out. Jody catches her with the Pump Kick, Double Knees into a German Suplex, Dani with a German Suplex Hold for 2!

Lish tries to involve Kendra the Kendo Stick and its enough to distract the ref and cause havoc. Kendra connects on Jody, Gutwrench Powerbomb from Masha, Masha tags in Lish and Lish hits a Pedigree for the win!

De-MALISH WINS!

Rich Swann w/AJ Francis vs Jake Something

Rich tries to pick his spots but gets run over literally, then Swann anticipates a Leap Frog spot but Jake just meets him in mid air with a Thesz Press/Chest Bump to send Rich to powder. AJ climbs on the apron, starts to jaw with Jake to allows Rich to blindside him, Jake flies outside, ref is paying attention to Rich so AJ runs him over 3 Point Stance style. Swann connects with the PK on the apron, rolls Jake back in and lights him up with a few more kicks before just gouging at the eyes. Round Kicks and Sliding Kicks to the knees and chest had Jake down, until Jake tries to power up…and Rich goes back to the eyes. Jake is draped over the middle rope and Rich stands on his back and uses the rope to choke Jake.

Swann feeling himself, goes for the Sunset Flip, Jake fights it off, but before he can do anything Rich goes to the eyes again. Simple heel psychology and logic that eyes and groin are weak points no matter how big the guy is. So those being the equalizers and chopping the tree down, over and over again is solid old school work. Jake lands a Lariat, tries to follow with a Corner Splash, but Swann dodges and Jake just slams Rich’s face into the mat and connects with Shock Therapy! Tries Into the Void but Rich says no, Headscissors sends Jake bouncing off the ropes, Rich with the Back Kick but only 2. Rich hits the middle rope and just eats a Forearm from Jake. Runs the rope, AJ Low Bridge and starts to work over Jake. The referee catches AJ, goes to throw out the match but FUCKING CODY DEANER MUSIC HITS.

I hate this dumb gimmick…there was even a “who’s this guy chant”, and he says he got the okay from Santino to let the people decide if the ref should throw out the match or let Cody “chop down that Dollar Tree”. Deaner can’t even say Albany. Dumb shit happens, Lethal Injection from Swann, goes for the Frog Splash and wins.

So Cody came out, with a gimmick that isn’t over, gets his ass kicked, stops Jake from winning via DQ, just to lose via pinfall. It was over booked to the point of unadulterated idiocy. 

Kushida vs Jonathan Gresham

So Gresham comes down with a black Octopus mask, but apparently the tentacles come off and he has a Muta-esque mask, pretty cool.

The early steps, Gresham is coughing a lot between the moves. I’m assuming this is setting up a Black Mist to be treated as “mist” moving forward. Chain wrestling into Kushida connecting into a Liger style Surfboard hold, but Gresham is fighting through in. Things start slow, but they go for the Strike Exchange, Gresham unravels some of his wrist tape, feigns a chop and just decides to bite Kushida’s wrist. Gresham stays on him, Kushida tries some up kicks, but classic roll throughs into a chop, stomp and Boston Crab transition shows a weird hybrid of this new gimmick and his old technical prowess.

Kushida fights back to his feet, a few Low Kicks, Shotei, Hip Toss into Carthweel Dropkick for 2! Kushida tries to fire up with the crowd and Gresham looks for a Flash Schoolboy with tights, but Kushida kicks out. Kushida kicks the arm, and then we get a locomotion spot of roll throughs, cradle attempts, offensive counters before we get up kicks and a quick Low Round Kick from Kushida for them to both need to recover. Kushida kicks at the arm, Gresham blocks a few, Kushida goes for the arm kick, Gresham counters and Kushida hits the Tanaka Punch right in Gresham’s throat. Kushida realizes something is odd and Gresham spits up the ink, spits it into his hand and covers Kushida’s face. Octopus Hold to get direct access to his mouth, more ink and then a pinfall for the win.

PCO & Jordynne Grace vs Kon & Steph de Lander

Well PCO got some budget back for his doctors to revive him, but I really don’t care about this. Jordynne wants to start again Kon, and Kon is no selling a few of Jordynne’s chops. Kon tries to DVD Jordynne but she wraps her legs around his arm and won’t go. Kon drops Jordynne with a Forearm and Jordynne fires, connects with a half dozen chops but eats a Shoulder Tackle and tags in SDL. Steph crotches Jordynne in the corner, Boot Wash, Northern Lights Suplex for 2.  Jordynne fights off the Powerbomb, PCO comes in and SDL cowers to her corner and tags in Kon. STOP PUTTING THESE TWO TOGETHER!

Strikes or shoves or something, I checked out as soon as I saw Kon was in this match honestly…oh look a PCO-Sault lands. SDL breaks up the pin and then bails to not deal with the wrath of PCO. Kon recovers fairly quickly from PCO’s finish…so that’s pretty dumb honestly. SDL tags in for the Unicorn Stomp. Kon tags back in. I checked out, dumb stuff happens, PCO actually likes SDL’s flirting and she didn’t expect it to work out. Jordynne Low Blows Kon, Death Valley Driver’s his big dumb ass and then Juggernaut Driver wins. NO MORE KON EVER!

X Division Championship: Mustafa Ali (c) vs Ace Austin

Slow start, and this show has really kinda sucked. If this match doesn’t pick up soon, I may fall asleep.

Ali tries to go for the rope run trick of powdering out but Austin keeps the momentum and hits the ole Fosbury Flop. He throws Ali back in, Ali throws Ace out and then hits his own Dive, and then they start exchanging strikes and bouncing each other off the apron. Ace throws Ali over his head, Ali lands on the corner post from the outside and connects with a Tornado DDT onto the floor. Slow Cruiser style stuff, Ali hits the Rolling Neckbreaker, goes for a second but Ace counters. Head Stomp into a Springboard DDT for 2.  Click Click Boom from Ace, Ali is bouncing off the ropes and eatting fists, Ace tries a DVD, but Ali connects with an elbow into the neck and Ace sells the injured neck and then Ali whips him directly into the post and Ace sounds like he’s dying.

Ali applies a Crossface through the turnbuckles and with the corner post. Ali now tries a Double Wristlock on the bad arm, but Ace is fighting out of it, One Armed Scoop Slam, and a few kicks to Ali’s arm to return the favor. Even drives Ali’s left shoulder into the post. Ace lands a Leg Drop to Ali’s hyperextended left arm and gets a 2! Ali slides out, Ace tries to pull him back in by the hair, but Ali counters, trips up Ace and pulls him out and hits an Avalanche German from the apron to the floor. Mustafa tries the 450, misses, charges again and Ace with the Release Belly to Belly Hiromu Takahashi style. Fighting Spirit with variations of kicks, Ali gets the best of things with a Waterwheel Kick, but Ace flips out of  the Power Bomb, Roundhouse Kick connects. Ace goes for his apron dance PK, then Ace tries to hype the crowd and Ali trips Ace to crash into the apron spin first. Mustafa locks in the Scorpion Deathlock, but Ace breaks the hold by grabbing the hair. Kick trade, Powerbomb from Ace for 2!

Ace looks for an injured Fold, but the Secret Service is interfering again…Ace hits THE FOLD! 1-2-Secret Service pulls Ali out of the ring to stop the count! Ali grabs the belt, referee takes it from him, Ace with the Roll-Up but only 2, Ace goes to the corner but Ali kicks the legs out from under him and he falls on the title belt, 450 from Ali and Ali wins.

The System (Moose, Brian Myers & Eddie Edwards w/Alisha Edwards) vs House Hardy (Broken Matt, Trent the Seventh & Ball of Speed)

Broken Matt wants to start with Moose, Moose acts like he’s gonna play ball, but says “That’s not how the system works” and tags out to Eddie. Eddie Chops Matt a few times, Matt bites his hand, and as we’ve expected, Broken Matt is odd offense to anticipate. Matt Rocket Launchers into the middle rope, 7th and Ball come in for a triple tandem move and a near fall. The Ball of Speed is the legal participant, Myers goes for a Stinger Splash and misses, Japanese style Locomotion corner attacks that get punctuated with 7th and 8 Ball doing some Poetry in Motion. Ball wants a Double Stomp but misses, goes for the Backflip Knees and Myers rolls away, tags in Moose and Moose Uranage’s Ball into tomorrow. Ball of Speed is coming up slow, Boots up in the corner, Moose drives Ball of Speed’s face into the feet and Eddie and Myers take turns working over Bailey. Lish makes the Ball of Speed motorboat the bottom rope and then Moose flings him into the corner and he bounces out…well…like a ball.

Ball of Speed is very cut off, getting worked over by everyone. Marbels was never my game, and doesn’t seem like Mike Bailey was great at it either. Ball tries a Snap Suplex to get space but Eddie intercepts him, drives him back to The System corner and tags in Moose. Moose wipes out the other two House Hardy members but Ball finds ways to float through and get some space, tags in Trent the Seventh and takes out all The System people, feint DDT, goes for a Whisper in the Wind and misses! Moose gets out and Myers and Eddie slap the hell out of Seventh while the Thunder rings Blue but only for 2 (okay I’ve been drinking too much and this show has been pretty lame so Broken Hardy-isms are rubbing off).

EDDIE POSTS HIMSELF LIKE A DOOFUS! Myers runs at Seventh and he just ole’s him through the ropes! Moose tries to pull Trent, Trent kicks off, but as Trent dives, The System members drag the Hardy members off the apron. Seventh finally connects a Seven Star Lariat for space and tags in the Broken on! Broken House of Fire! Delete Corner Head Smashes for the tag team champions! Side Effect hit on Eddie, but Eddie kicks out at 2! Matt calls for Twist of Fate, Eddie is reeling, but Eddie falls back to Moose and Moose wants in. Punch exchange, Delete, Moose, Delete, Moose, Delete, Moose…HOCKEY FIGHT! But then Moose kicks…he doesn’t understand Hockey, he played football. Moose scales the corner, goes for the Corkscrew Crossbody and Matt connects with a beautiful Cutter for 2! Second rope Elbow from Matt for another 2! He calls for the Twist again – Eddie cuts him off, Moose tags out to Myers. Ball of Speed Missile Dropkick after getting the tag. Tornado Kick, Ultima Weapon attempt but Eddie tries to interfere and stops him. Ball jumps and Myers connects with the Jumping Spear, 1 – 2- Seventh and Matt break the pinfall!

System goes for a Triple Jacknife, but Hardy’s Triple Bop and Bang into Triple Twist of Fate! They go for a Triple Deletion Tandem move, but Moose breaks it up, Trent and Ball with a Dive/Asai Moonsault combo on Eddie and Myers. Moose Carbon Footprint for Ball and Trent. Apron Powerbombs for both of them as well. Moose levels Matt and is sick of this, clears off the bell keepers table and probably wants to Powerbomb Matt through the table. Yup, that’s the spot, Matt fights off, bites Moose, posts him and then a Twist of Fate to the floor. Hardy puts Moose on the table, goes to the top…old school Leg Drop? No? LEG DROP THROUGH THE TABLE! Ball and Trent with the Tornado/Dragon! Birminghammer from Seventh on Eddie! Kobashi beats Misawa–NO! LISH pulls Seventh off!

Ball of Speed tries to go after Lish, but Myers hits the Roster Cut on Bailey. Bitter End Flowsion attempt, nope, Low Blow, SYSTEM OVERLOAD! TRUST THE SYSTEM!

Overall Score: 3.5/10

This was, an objectively bad show up until the last two matches. Did I find a level of carny entertainment in the Hendry match, ASH by Elegance match and the De-MALISH match? Yes of course, but being subjectively entertaining doesn’t equate to any actual value. This card was an inflated iMPACT! because nothing really had weight to it, the Countdown Show was worthless because the matches were all local enhancement talent and apparently they just hand out Digital Media championship matches to anyone. I guess its asking too much to utilize Xplosion to create a storyline for that title or something, so we just random throw stuff together. If it weren’t for the Knockouts Tags, yet again, TNA would be failing miserably with their “mid-card” title. Why haven’t the King of the Mountain/TV/Legends/Grand Championships worked in the past? BECAUSE CREATIVE TREATS THEM AS AFTERTHOUGHTS OR GIMMICKS! If creative doesn’t care, why should we? Like seriously, you’ve had 22 years and 5 iterations of attempts at a mid-card title (I don’t think I missed one), you should’ve figured it out by now…morons.

Main event was one of the best six man matches I’ve seen in a while, Matt was more committed to the Broken character tonight, so it all worked really well. Plus him pulling off the extreme Leg Drop was a fun spot. Ace and Ali’s match was pretty good if it wasn’t for the very slow start coming off of bad matches and my biggest pet peeve with Ali’s entire gimmick; WHY ARE YOU GETTING HEAT ON MOOKS!? Normally if we are to expect interference its used to build up a manager, valet, second, something. Not nameless faces in aviators. It doesn’t add more heat to Ali, if you think that, you’re an idiot. Either revel a Secret Service guy as someone you’re gonna push potentially as a singles, or stop using them all the damn time. Its a really stupid crutch that does nothing but already make you sigh and know to expect useless bullshit by the end. Speaking of useless bullshit, Kon should not be on TNA television ever again and same goes for Cody Deaner. No one likes his gimmick or him. He’s not a plucky underdog, you just had him being a cultist and then cult leader for the better portion of 2 years and before that he was a redneck job nerd. He hasn’t been likeable since he was Knockouts Tag Champs with ODB. STOP PUSHING DUMB SHIT, BRING BACK DIRTY DANGO.

Since Scott left, this has really been a hard product to defend. There’s a few bright spots, but then they immediately faceplant into a cowpie the size Jupiter. Rehire Scott, or use your damn head. It’s not difficult.