Entertainment

Mitchell’s Hyrule Puro-Resu Press Conference Report! (4/20/20)

HPW addresses recent events

Published

5 years ago

April 20, 2020

Steven Mitchell

The Legend of Zelda: The Ring of Destiny, Chapter 2

Given the events of HPW Faron Woods, GM Nicolas Foolyere Hyrule must address the controversy! What comes from Zelda’s actions on April 1st?

HPW holds a special press conference.

Hyrule media snaps pictures of the press table. General Manager Nicolas Foolyere Hyrule sits on the right side side of the podium. His daughter, Zelda, and her mentor, Impa, sit with him. On the podium’s left are other members of the HPW management. There is HPW Chief Operating Officer and King of Zora, Humpback Hook Halibut, and HPW Chief Branding Officer, Starfish McMaguro. After a moment, Foolyere goes up to the podium to speak.

“Thank you, everyone, for coming today. We called for this press conference to address the inherent controversy that came with my decision during the Triforce Championship Triple Threat match just under three weeks ago at the Faron Woods event.” It was revealed that the wrestler known as “Sheik” was in fact his daughter, Zelda, all along. Nicolas stands by his decision to allow the match to continue after Zelda was exposed. He does not defend or condone his daughter or any wrestler “committing fraud” towards HPW or its affiliates, but he cannot disregard the argument his daughter made. Zelda, though posing as a male wrestler, still earned her spot in the Triple Threat because she won every match in the Bracket of Wisdom.

However, actions come with consequences. For Nicolas, his position as General Manager is now “on thin ice” with the HPW Board of Directors. He accepts this, as punishment for being inattentive to the on-goings of the roster put under his watch, as well as to the on-goings of his own home. If Nicolas couldn’t even notice his own daughter “was sneaking about,” then what else has been going on behind his back within the HPW locker rooms? He vows to do better from now on in order to earn back the confidence of both the HPW fans, officials, talent and upper management. With this, Nicolas takes his seat, and now Halibut goes up to the podium.

Halibut thanks Nicolas for his part. However, he points out there is more to the consequences of the Faron Woods event. For Zelda, her punishment also affects the Triforce Championship’s list of contenders. This press conference was originally going to announce that the two wrestlers that lost the Triforce Championship Triple Threat would compete in a #1 contender’s match, and that the match would be part of the Death Mountain event on May 2nd. It is the Board’s decision that Zelda is out of that match. Ganondorf Dragmire’s opponent for that match will be determined out of the remaining pool of contenders who also participated in the Triforce Tournament. The Board will announce those names at a later date.

“For now, the main issue is how HPW reacts to Zelda’s actions, and the reactions of the world to those actions.” The Triforce Championship becoming co-ed wrestling sets a precedence HPW was not ready to address. Helmsley assures us the Board discussed this at length the last couple weeks, and has come to a decision. “This decision is a compromise that HPW management hopes pleases both sides of the argument. The Board could not disregard the feelings Zelda expressed in Faron Woods. A world champion should be the best wrestler in the world, regardless of age, race, weight class, and even gender. Therefore, the Triforce Championship will be a world title that is also considered an open championship.”

The media in attendance immediately erupts with reactions and questions. Halibut asks everyone remain calm and ask one at a time. Starfish helps point out a reporter and has them ask their question.

“Does this mean Hyrule Puro-Resu is open to regularly scheduling co-ed matches?”

Halibut says yes, but “regularly” isn’t how they’d define it. There will be occasions for it in regards to the Triforce Championship, but the Board still needs time to discuss rankings. The HPW Women’s Division has the Goddess Championship, and that will remain exclusive “without question.” The HPW Men’s Division has the Death Mountain Championship and the HPW Tag Team Championships. There is still ongoing discussion, but for now it is only the Triforce Championship that will be open.

“Is Zelda prohibited from competing for any the Goddess Championship? Does she even still want to compete for that title?”

Halibut says no, Zelda is still eligible for that title. In light of recent revelations, Zelda’s win-loss record and rankings will have to be adjusted based on her tournament victories. Zelda speaks up, wishing to answer the second question. Halibut lets her have the podium.

“I know that I disappointed many of my fans hiding behind a false identity. At the same time, maybe I made many others oddly proud of me. I have seen and heard comments from both fans and media since Faron Woods. It was never my intent to insult great women wrestlers like Nabooru, Queen Oren, or my mentor, Impa. I simply want women’s wrestling to be seen on the same level.” Zelda will gladly compete for whatever title Hyrule Puro-Resu allows her to compete for. But she wants to make it clear that in the same way no male wrestler wants to stop short of being world champion, neither should the female wrestlers. Zelda vows to “persevere through whatever others may say or do” to stop her. With that, Zelda thanks everyone and steps down from the podium.

The media wants to ask more questions but Starfish simply thanks them for coming, and says HPW will have more information in the coming days. What fate will The Board decide for Zelda and its female wrestlers?

My Thoughts:

Obviously this isn’t April Fools again, but I did say this might continue if things are in bad shape. While WWE and AEW have canceled PPV events at their original venues, it is clear the plans are not being altered. But with NJPW still canceling events like Road to Wrestling Dontaku, Wrestling Satsuma no Kuni, and then Dontaku itself, there’s not much else going on in the wrestling world. I just felt we needed more levity, more escape. Plus, I had so much fun writing the first article, I wanted to continue that story. I personally wanted to know where Zelda’s mission for co-ed wrestling was going. I’m not sure how much will happen with this story I’ve started, but I hope you readers don’t mind if this springs up every month or so. And for those who are enjoying it, I already have a lot of that “event” scheduled for May 2nd written so make sure to follow us so you can be among the first to read chapter 3.

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