Entertainment

Mitchell’s Hyrule Puro-Resu News Report! (12/29/21)

Dawn of the First Day!

Published

3 years ago

December 29, 2021

Steven Mitchell

HPW takes a closer look at the Death Mountain and Trios Championships!

Before the #CelebrationofGreatness, HPW takes a closer look at major match-ups! First: the Death Mountain and Trios Championships!

HPW Media finds the ladder match entrants around Hyrule.

Tali is Sand Seal Surfing.

Not just that, but she’s racing with others! She makes a tight turn, gets around the next two riders and takes first place, all the way to the finish line! Shabonne gets on the mic for the victory. “Yes, vai and voe, that right there is greatness! Tali is still the Dame of the Dunes, the Sand Surfing Champion, even while she’s competing in pro-wrestling! Tali is going to climb the ladder, take down the Death Mountain Championship and be on top of the world! That’s gosh dame right!”

King Bulblin is pumping iron.

All three Bulblin Triplets are his spotters as Bulblin is bench pressing almost 300 pounds! It takes all three of the triplets to get the bar back on the hooks as he finishes, then one of them hurries to get King Bulblin his bottle and towel. King Bulblin wipes his brow and then chugs water. “I’m going to crush whoever gets in my way, step over them, then climb the ladder to get back what’s mine.” Bulblin then gets back under to start another set of bench presses.

Hinox inspects a ladder.

“Hmm… Are you sure something like this can support me? I’m a bit bigger than the average wrestler.” Hinox sighs and shrugs then gets on the bottom rung. It snaps right off! “Welp!” Hinox steps back from the ladder, and then looks it up and down. “Do I even need to climb a ladder to win a ladder match? I feel like I could just jump and reach the belt.”

Gold Lynel visits Death Mountain itself.

The heat is almost unbearable for the camera crew, but they manage to keep up with the One True Monster as he climbs up the north side. He reaches a plateau and looks out at the landscape. The camera looks out, and Gut Check Rock, Skull Lake and even the Rok Woods can be seen from up here. “It doesn’t matter how tough Tali is, how strong Bulblin is or how big Hinox is. It doesn’t even matter who HPW chooses to be the fifth entry. I am the pinnacle of fight sports. Everything that the light touches is MY kingdom.” Will Gold Lynel ascend and establish a ONE YEAR REIGN?

The Studly Guys have a photoshoot.

The NEW HPW Trios Champions have their side plates now, and are getting pics with the belts.

Groose isn’t sure why Skull Kid gets the “power belt,” aka the one with the top Triforce piece highlighted. Skull Kid says it is only natural. He was the one who went after the UnderWorld Order at Treasure Island and survived the choke slam. Well, yeah, but is that really proof of power? How is it not? Tingle says it’s fine, Groose is pretty brave so Triforce of Courage works for him. And of course, Tingle is smart enough to be the Triforce of Wisdom. “Alright then, wise guy,” Groose says. “How do we prepare for the Desert Flowers?” “Uh… Well, they’ve kinda got the same combination as we do. One tall, one short, one in the middle.”

“Yeah, that’s true,” Groose says. Groose can handle Bularia. “Uh, I’m Triforce of Power,” Skull Kid says. “I’ll handle Bularia.” Um, sure he will… Will this studly game plan work out for the new champions? Or will we get new new champions on New Year’s Eve?

My Thoughts:

It’s back! The build-up articles to HyruleMania is another tradition, but I’m not making new thumbnails. I feel like this first one isn’t quite to where last year’s was. Just been really busy.

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