Entertainment

Mitchell’s Hyrule Puro-Resu News Report! (12/31/21)

Dawn of the Final Day!!

Published

3 years ago

December 31, 2021

Steven Mitchell

HPW takes a closer look at the Goddess and Triforce Championships!

Before the #CelebrationofGreatness, HPW takes a closer look at major match-ups! Lastly: The Goddess and Triforce Championships!

Zelda and Hilda are parallels.

The Princess of Hyrule and Her Grace are roughly the same age, height and body mass index. They’ve both won the Bracket of Wisdom in the Triforce Tournament, just one year apart. And right now, they’re both preparing for their battle at the Celebration of Greatness. Though, this is where things differ.

Zelda is in the ring, sparring with other Sheikah students of Impa’s. One rushes in, she catches his clothesline to wrench then turn for a NECKBREAKER! She sobats the next one, front kicks her, then snapmares her for a KICK to the back! She arm-drags the next one away, but another waistlocks her. Zelda switches to shove him at the other, and then she double SHOTGUNS them both down. She kips up, dodges another clothesline to spin and HYLIAN KISS HEADBUTT him down! Zelda shakes her head and steadies herself to then dare the others to bring it.

Hilda does get into the ring, but mostly to model for a magazine shoot. She promises she’ll have special ring gear made for HyruleMania 2. She does do some drills, like running the ropes, rolling and hurdling over the others, and then pulling hair and throwing slaps around? Hilda says that while Zelda has Sheikah Style, she has “Lorule Style.” There’s no low she won’t sink to in order to win. Cut to her wrenching an arm, getting the wristlock, and bending the fingers! She also claws backs, punches while holding a headlock, and gets cheap shots while using the ropes as defense.

Per Sheikah Style, Zelda toughens up by letting herself get hit with hard kicks to her torso, front and back. Hilda only gives the kicks. When it comes to being outside the ring and in the gym, Zelda and Hilda both do squats, but Zelda has a considerably heavier amount on her bar, and doesn’t wink or make kissy faces between reps. Getting in the pool, Zelda swims hard laps. Hilda just relaxes in a shiny purple inner tube with a drink in her hand. And for the cooldown after, Zelda gets in an ice tub, while Hilda stays in the pool.

“So what if Zelda’s father is the King of Hyrule?” Hilda sneers. “I’m second generation, too, y’know. My father was the King of Lorule. Not that many people really remember him for much. But I will continue our legacy. I will grow our legacy. I will make it so no one can forget me when I dethrone the PrInCeSs~ at HyruleMania!” Zelda counters by saying, “Let her talk, let her boast, let her brag. In the end, I will be the one that reigns.” Will Hilda have Her Crowning Achievement at the Celebration of Greatness? Or will Zelda ring in the New Year with a ONE YEAR REIGN?

Link and Ravio… aren’t parallels.

Link is up at 5 AM to jog around Kakariko Village, Ravio is still asleep. At 7 AM, Link is in the ring, running the ropes. Ravio is still asleep. At 8 AM, Link practices his top rope moves to make sure he still hits them right. Ice Arrow (corkscrew moonsault) to the crash test dummy, somersault back to the corner, then Fire Arrow (corkscrew shooting star) onto the dummy. Ravio is woken up by his pet bird thing, Shiro. Ravio realizes its 8 AM, hurries out of bed to clean up, then he finally gets to working out on a treadmill for his morning run. Link goes through his other moves, like dropkicks, arm-drags, hip tosses, and handsprings. Ravio stops on the treadmill, already gassed.

Link and Ravio each go to their home gyms. Link bench presses twice as much and squats three times as much as Ravio, and for five more reps than Ravio, too. While Link is hitting the salmon ladder, Ravio struggles to get a single chin-up. But while Link does bicep curls, Ravio sets to work on Ravio branded items! He sticks the purple rabbit ears on a baseball bat, then on a few kendo sticks, and then he spray paints his rabbit ear logo on a chair! Ravio’s already planning on using these against Link!

Link finishes with the jump rope, and his sister tells him breakfast is ready. Ravio gets ready to spray paint another item, but Hilda shouts for him to get her breakfast. Ravio sighs and does as he’s told. The Hero of Hyrule is honorable and hardworking, while the purple rabbit is more like a purple weasel. But will Link’s training prepare him for what’s up Ravio’s proverbial sleeve?

My Thoughts:

Doesn’t feel quite as epic as last year, but we did get Link VS Ganondorf for HyruleMania 1. These are going to be really fun matches, because just like in the Legend of Zelda games, we’re getting true opposites fighting each other. Even more than Link and Kage are opposites, Link and Ravio have very different approaches to a match.

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Entertainment

Mitchell’s Hyrule Puro-Resu News Report! (5/23/25)

What’s with all the glowing?

Published

1 week ago

May 23, 2025

Steven Mitchell

HPW Investigates: The Glowing Aura Phenomenon…

Riju, Sidon, Thunderbird, Donny B. Kool, Yunobo. Five stars of HPW have had powerful performances, but there’s something more to it… What is the reason behind this modern mystery? And could there be another?

Reviewing the timeline of events…

March 21st, the Triforce Tournament Bracket Finals

As the Gerudo Sisterhood was settling its grudge, Riju fought as hard as she could as the massive underdog against the Dame of the Dunes. Riju would survive heavy impact, begin to glow as she made her comeback, but Shabonne made sure she would lose the match. On that same night, we would see Sidon and Thunderbird each have their own moment where, after surviving heavy damage, they would begin to glow and make their comebacks. From there, Sidon and Thunderbird would win their way into the Triforce Tournament Finals at the Triforce Annivesary show.

April 1st, The Triforce Anniversary

Not only would we see Sidon & Thunderbird each bring out that same glowing energy, but Donny B. Kool would bring out that same phenomenon during the 21 Person Battle Royal. Donny held his own, but with that many opponents, winning was unlikely, and he was eliminated fifth-to-last.

May 1st, Wrestling Is Life

Yunobo won that 21 Person Battle Royal in April, and made his challenge for the HPW Death Mountain Championship. Igos du Ikana was as sharp as ever, but both men pushed each other to their limits. Yunobo powered through submissions and sharp strikes, bringing about the glowing aura, but Igos still won the match and retained the title.

So what might this all mean?

Five stars have been seen with glowing auras during the emotional heights of these matches. Or perhaps, the glowing auras are the results of these emotional heights? Could they be brought about by the “fighting spirit” within each one and in turn bring out new strength and energy? Each one of the five certainly seemed to “dig down deep” and fight like they were rising above mortal expectations.

Another detail that must be considered is the number of people who have presented this glowing aura phenomenon. Five people, with no connections between them: Riju the Gerudo; Sidon the Zora; Thunderbird the Ruto; Donny B. Kool the Gero; and Yunobo the Goron. Granted, they’re all young, and certainly leading this new generation forward. But the number itself is a point of focus. Needless to say that in Hyrule, three is the magic number, originating with the Triforce of legend. Therefore, multiples of three are also important. Five recorded phenomena, could this be a breaking of the norm? Or could there be a sixth?

Images flash on screen of the many faces on the HPW roster. Who could it be that enters the GAP?