Entertainment

Mitchell’s Hyrule Puro-Resu News Report! (1/16/23)

Into the Thyphlo Ruins!

Published

2 years ago

January 16, 2023

Steven Mitchell

The UnderWorld Order… are good guys?

Knowing one of their own is in the Thyphlo Ruins, the UnderWorld Order prepares to enter the darkness to rescue him! Will they succeed?

The uWo gathers at the entrance.

Gomess, Death Sword, Hollywood Redead & Ted Beedle Ossi stand on the bridge that leads into the ruins from the West, the Drenan Highlands. There are backpacks filled with supplies all bought by Beedle. ReDead, Death Sword & Gomess carry the packs and head in. ReDead tells Beedle to come along, but he says he’ll wait outside. ReDead drags Beedle along and they cross the bridge. They pass by two bird statues, one with a lit torch. The shadows are already heavy just a few steps past this light. The four stand there, peering into the dark, but they can’t see anything. “Oh, c’mon, guys,” ReDead says. “We’re scarier than anything that could be in there.”

ReDead drags Beedle along, Gomess and Death Sword follow him. “Maybe if we stick along the right wall,” Death Sword says, “we’ll find our way through.” Gomess says, “That only works with mazes, man. These are ruins, cursed to be shrouded in darkness until the Age of Calamity.” Death Sword says, “Then it makes sense to hide something in here. How’re we ever going to find Alex?” ReDead says, “You follow the torches.” ReDead points up ahead to more torches. They walk forward, and Beedle cowers behind ReDead. The torches shine light on pillars nearby, but nothing else.

The group walks forward, and see torches to the right. The uWo heads that way, but then Keese fly at them! The uWo swat at the Keese, they fly away, but then skeletons bust out of the ground! They’re Stalfos! No, they’re Bokoblins! That makes them STALKOBLINS! One points at the uWo and shouts, “YOU SHALL NOT-” ReDead BOOTS the Stalkoblin! They brawl, 3v3, with Beedle staying in the light of a torch while screaming! ReDead brawls with the second Stalkoblin while Gomess stomps the first, leaving Death Sword to go after the third. Death Sword RAMS his Stalkoblin into a partially damaged wall!

ReDead gets the edge on his Stalkoblin with big haymakers! ReDead backs the Stalkoblin down to a pillar, but then the Stalkoblin dodges and ReDead punches the pillar! ReDead clutches the bad hand and Stalkoblin #2 hits a JAWBREAKER! Gomess drags Stalkoblin #1 up to clamp on a SLEEPER! Death Sword stomps Stalkoblin #3 against the wall, then coordinates with Gomess. Gomess shoves Stalkoblin #1 at Death Sword and Death Sword pops him right up! POWERBOMB TO GERMAN SUPLEX! Stalkoblin #1 quite literally falls to pieces, but then Stalkoblin #3 jumps onto Death Sword’s back!

Death Sword grabs at Stalkoblin #3 but Gomess helps pull him down. Gomess ROCKS Stalkoblin #3, Death Sword pops him back up, but Stalkoblin #3 RANAS Death Sword into Gomess! Stalkoblin #3 then rushes at them both, but Death Sword moves and Gomess UPPERCUTS Stalkoblin #3! Death Sword reels Stalkoblin #3 into a dragon sleeper! Gomess gets the legs, and they hit an ELBOW DROP SPINEBUSTER COMBO! Stalkoblin #3 breaks apart, too, and the uWo focus on Stalkoblin #2. Stalkoblin #2 fires off on ReDead, but ReDead kicks him away. Stalkoblin #2 staggers into a forearm from Gomess and a BOOT from Death Sword!

ReDead scoops Stalkoblin for a SLAM! But there’s no ropes! Gomess & Death Sword hold hands to become the rope so ReDead can rebound off them! DEAD LEG!! This Stalkoblin falls apart now, the uWo have won the brawl! But Beedle is still screaming. ReDead goes over and tells him to stop it already. ReDead ushers Beedle along, and the group continues south, to where they can see more torches. And as they approach, more Stalkoblins emerge from the ground! ReDead keeps Beedle from running away while Death Sword sighs. “Tell me again why we didn’t bring Skull Kid along on this?” Gomess says, “He’s getting ready for the tournament.”

“It doesn’t matter,” ReDead says. “We’re going to get through this, because we have to. For Alex. But there’s also no sense in holding back, so…” Out of their packs, Gomess brings out his scythe, Death Sword brings out his, well, sword, and ReDead brings out his sword and shield. ReDead tells Beedle to protect himself with the shield, “I’m gonna two hand this one!” The uWo roar and the Stalkoblins roar back as the next round begins! Will the UnderWorld Order win the battle to bring Alex out of the darkness?

My Thoughts:

Okay, I know I put the question mark in the title, because by comparison, a group fighting to bring back one of their own is a Face move. But whether or not they succeed here, don’t expect the uWo to return to the ring as Faces. And don’t worry, we’ll get the conclusion of this adventure as a segment during the Triforce Tournament.

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MONDAY - Bandwagon Nerds (entertainment & popular culture)

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