Entertainment
Mitchell’s Hyrule Puro-Resu News! (7/18/20)
It’s a big news round-up for HPW!

Set sail for Treasure Island!
The match card has been set for the most ambitious event in Hyrule Puro-Resu history! After last week’s Lanayru Bay event, we now have our #EventideSix! There was a bit of tension between them after the main event, so HPW has chosen to forgo a press conference format with the six sitting at tables by a podium. Instead, HPW conducts individual interviews to the liking of each contender.
First, Ashei.
HPW commentator Telma congratulates Ashei on winning her Eventide Qualifier. Telma has seen Ashei grow up quite a lot in the ring, even before joining HPW. How does it feel to have been one of the only women chosen in the original field of nine? “That was a huge honor for me. I honestly didn’t expect to get chosen when there were so many other big names on the roster.” And obviously, she’s aware of how big it was to not just survive but win her Triple Threat match. Her father called and said how proud he was of her. It’s a little known fact that Ashei is a second-generation wrestler, but even Ashei knows her father wasn’t as big of a name as, say, the King of Hyrule, Nicolas Foolyere. Not that she’s trying to make it seem as if Zelda was part of this match because of her father’s name. Like Ashei, Zelda earned her spot by winning her Triple Threat.
In that case, how does Ashei respond to Zelda’s words at the end of the Lanayru Bay event? Zelda said she is looking forward to competing against Ashei in the Eventide Challenge, and so is Ashei. It’s great that Women’s Wrestling is rising up the card in Hyrule. Ashei and Zelda both want to prove female wrestlers are just as good as male wrestlers, and that hopefully one day, THE best wrestler in the world is a woman. But Ashei also wants to show that “your name doesn’t make you great. You make you great. I make myself great, and I will make myself the next #1 contender.” Telma wishes Ashei the best of luck and Ashei thanks her.
Second, Garo Master.
HPW correspondent Paya is very nervous talking to the masked figure as she brings up that while he qualified for the Eventide Challenge, he wasn’t involved in the decision and essentially “survived.” Because of the mask, it is hard to tell if Garo is upset by her comments. Paya sheepishly asks for him to say something, anything at all. The sudden turn of his head spooks her, but he catches the mic she drops. He slowly brings it to the beak-like part of the mask and speaks. “There is no shame in surviving. Only in defeat. I will not be defeated on Eventide.” With that, he hands the microphone back to Paya, and walks away.
Third, Master Kohga.
HPW commentator Rusl interviews the leader of the Yiga Clan, and congratulates him on winning his Triple Threat. Kohga thanks him for the congratulations, and offers Rusl a banana. Rusl politely refuses. How does Kohga feel being back in the title hunt after some “missteps” at the start of the year? Well, Kohga should’ve figured it was a “sneaky trick by the Sheikah” that kept him out of the Triforce Tournament. Zelda pretending to be a man, something about that threw Kohga off in the Bracket of Wisdom qualifier and that is why he lost. Rusl isn’t sure how that could be, but Kohga gets offended, asking Rusl if he’s calling Kohga a liar. Rusl says he isn’t, he’s just trying to understand. Kohga waves that off and sneaks a bite of the banana under his mask.
So then, how would it feel for Kohga to get a semblance of payback against Zelda in the Eventide Challenge? It would be incredible! Not just because it’d be payback on Zelda, but on Zelda’s mentor, Impa. Impa and her Sheikah have always been high and mighty because of their closeness to King Nicolas, but no longer! Kohga and his Yiga Clan will “knock them down a peg, just you wait and see!” Kohga finishes his banana then tosses the peel at the camera. By the time the peel comes off the lens, Kohga’s gone!
Fourth, Groose.
HPW correspondent Seres waits as the Skyfall Stud walks in. “YES! Going to Eventide!” Well then, Seres probably doesn’t have to ask how excited he is about this opportunity. Groose is more than excited, he is feeling really good about this. Yes, he “survived” his match when Kohga dropped in out of nowhere to take out King Moblin, but Kohga could’ve easily dropped those knees on Groose. Groose feels very fortunate, and very confident of his chances. In fact, Groose guarantees two things for Treasure Island: “I win the Eventide Challenge, and Link keeps the Triforce Championship!” Then Groose and his “good buddy” can have “the epic rematch” from the Triforce Tournament. “And no way I’m gonna let some scrawny clown snatch that prize from me!” Who is he referring to? “Oh, he knows who I mean.” Groose looks right into the camera as he points. “See you there, Prince!” Groose nods as he backs out of frame.
Fifth, Zelda.
HPW commentator Shad sits with Zelda in the ring for their interview. Shad congratulates Zelda on winning the third Triple Threat qualifier, and asks how it feels to also have won the main event in Lanayru Bay. It wouldn’t have mattered to Zelda if she was in the opener, the middle or the main event, she was going to do everything she had to in order to win. So the bottom line is that she won, she feels good about that, and she is really excited to go to Eventide Island.
We know Zelda said she’s excited to have Ashei in the match, but what does she think of the others in the match? Zelda has known Groose for some time, so it might be interesting with him in the mix. But before she can speak to the others, Fin Balure barges his way onto the stage! His interviewer, Irene, tries to get him to return backstage but he just keeps going down to the ring. Zelda gets up out of her seat to stare Fin down as he stands on the apron. Irene hurries up the steps, still trying to reason with him. Fin stays on the apron and Zelda stays in the ring but the tension mounts. Fin tells Irene to interview him here on the apron. She’s a bit surprised and confused but does as suggested.
“Fin Balure,” Irene starts. “You didn’t win the Triple Threat, but you also didn’t lose, so you still qualified for the Eventide Challenge. How will you redeem yourself in that match?” Fin looks at Irene as he says, “Redeem myself? There’s nothing to redeem.” It took both Zelda and Rosso to keep him out of the finish. If anything, Zelda made a mistake in letting Fin stay in the Eventide Challenge. And Fin promises to make her regret that mistake. “As far as I see it, there are gonna be five losers left behind on Treasure Island. And The Prince isn’t any single one of ’em.” Fin hops down off the apron and heads back up the ramp. Irene follows after, and Shad tentatively steps closer to Zelda to ask for a response. Zelda brings up Shad’s question that was interrupted. “I can’t wait to fight him.”
Igos du Ikana has a message.
“Do you know the definition of the word, ‘exquisite,’ Ghirahim? Something is ‘exquisite’ when it is extremely beautiful and, typically, very delicate.” Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, but the latter part of that definition fits Ghirahim perfectly. His fragile ego couldn’t take losing to Link, losing the battle royal, and then losing to Igos, and he snapped. He went after Groose, and though he won, had to prop his self-esteem up with “an absolutely garish looking belt.” The strap alone burns Igos’ eyes every time he tries to look at it. Fortunately, if the championship is exquisite now, Igos can break it. And then Igos will rebuild it, not in his image the way Ghirahim did. Igos will rebuild the title stronger than ever before. He will rebuild it from the ashes of Ghirahim’s narcissism as it #FallsToRuin.
HPW Media interviews Triforce Champion, Link!
The Hero of Hyrule will finally have his first title defense after a prolonged process to determine a challenger. We’ve seen him training with Groose and Rosso, so he’s looking great, but how does he feel going into a rematch of sorts against Ganondorf Dragmire? But before Link can answer, Link sees Ganondorf coming up behind the camera. The camera moves to see Ganondorf standing there, wearing his boar headdress.
Ganondorf chuckles as he takes the headdress off. Does Link seriously think what he did in the woods is going to be enough? Link is not going to be ready for him. Link will never be ready. What Link needs to prepare for is what it’s going to be like after Treasure Island. Link needs to be ready to be back where he started before even the Triforce Tournament: “a nobody from some backwater town, holding on to a dream.” And HPW needs to be ready to finally have a champion they can be proud of. A champion they’ll want to feature at every event because they know that champion can actually talk and stand up for himself. HPW needs to be ready for the rule of Ganondorf. Ganondorf puts the headdress back on and leaves. Link glares in Ganondorf’s direction as the camera focuses back on him. “I’ll be ready. He won’t be.”
My Thoughts:
I personally feel really good about the promos in this one. For one, we finally give Garo Master some personality, in that he doesn’t really have one, he’s super serious about winning. Ashei also has an icy personality, it seems to go with her part of Twilight Princess where she’s in the snowy mountains. I didn’t want to betray that with her promo, so I did my best to keep her calm, though obviously it can be tricky to put tone and emotion into text. And it’s pretty clear things are orbiting around Zelda and Fin Balure. Groose wants after Fin, Fin wants after him and Zelda, Kohga wants after Zelda, even Ashei has something to prove compared to Zelda, and Zelda just wants to prove herself as an individual. I’m going to really like writing that Eventide Challenge match.
If it isn’t clear yet, Igos du Ikana is Aleister Black, or as good as I can copy Aleister’s promo style. I’m conflicted on the direction of the midcard title, but I’ll make that match as great as I possibly can. The same goes for the world title with Link and Ganondorf. Treasure Island is really going to be a huge event, that’s for sure.
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Bandwagon Nerds #288: Disney In The Desert
Disney makes a controversial decision about where it is building its 7th theme park. Plus, loads of trailers, Thunderbolts* news, DCU updates, and more!

Patrick returns to the show this week and leads the guys through a stacked Trailer Park, including the most recent previews of Old Guard 2, The Long Walk, Peacemaker Season 2, and Stick. Patrick also shares his thoughts with Dave and Tunney about Thunderbolts* and addresses some interesting rumors about what didn’t make it into the film. Meanwhile, Disney makes a very divisive decision about a 7th theme park, and President Trump’s trade war targets the film industry. It sounds crazy, but it’s true. If you are curious, we have answers, so make sure you tune in!
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Prepare for the most electrifying even of the HPW calendar!
While the stage is set for Blood & Thunder 4 and the HPW World Trios Championships, HPW must also address the return of KAGE!
Thundra Plateau is ready.
Wrestling is Life, but life has its stormy weather. The rain is going to be hot in June, but will the reign continue through the Summer? The Dark Forces may have failed to take the Undisputed Triforce World Championship from Zelda, but they still have the World Trios Championships. Harlequin, Lupay & Glutko will step inside the double ring, double cage to defend their gold. On one side, Arrow Club’s special combination of Fin Balure, Torbevito & Bad Croc Scaly. On the other, a new combination of its own in Cia, Lana & Midna.
Speaking of Cia, Lana & Midna…
The three of them are together, dressed in workout attire, in what appears to be a dance studio. This is a collaboration stream for Midna and Lana as they’re both big presences on the internet, aka “influencers.” Lana and Midna wave and say hi, and they give introductions, including Cia, who is reluctant to be standing there. Cia doesn’t know why they need to do this. Lana says they have to improve their teamwork. They may have won against Los Taros Locos, but it was really sketchy there for a second. Midna adds that doing a dance routine together is great for their timing and coordination.
Cia says she didn’t mean that, she meant having to stream it! Oh, well obviously, combining Midna’s viewing audience with Lana’s, and HPW’s overall, this makes huge numbers! So? And huge money…! Cia raises her eyebrow and says, “Oh really?” The trio sets up, and Lana says obviously they first have to learn the steps. Midna brings up, “Wait, what song are we dancing to?” Oh, good point. Lana was thinking something from Lulu. Cia asks, “Lulu? From the Indigo-Go’s?” Midna says Lulu’s got a great solo album. Lana agrees! That’s so great that they like the same music. Cia isn’t as familiar with her solo stuff, so she’ll rely on them for this.
Lana suggests they go with Energetic Me. For one, it has the most energy, duh. And it still has a dance vibe, which is the whole point. Midna says she might’ve gone with Royal Discotheque or Ten Outta Ten, but she sees Lana’s point. Lana shows them the dance moves she has in mind. Left arm up, bent at the elbow, and the hand up against the side of the chest. Then they switch so the right arm goes up to mirror that position while the left hand goes back to the hip. Maybe add a little hip pop as that happens. Do that a couple times, and then turn to the right. This puts the left hand on the back of the hip, right hand on the back of the neck for a sexy pose.
Then you turn to flip it the other way, then do a 360 with a big neck whipping, hair flipping move. Then finish with feet apart and double V’s up by the eyes, maybe with a wink. Cia says, “Yeah, okay…” while Midna says, “I like it!” Midna says she’ll set up in the middle. Cia asks why Midna is in the middle, and Midna says it’s symmetry. She’s the tallest, Cia and Lana are about the same, it makes sense. Yeah, but it also means Midna is the center of attention. Well, that’s just coincidental. Lana says it doesn’t matter, the point is them doing it all in synch. Cia sighs and says, “Fine.” Midna is in the middle, Cia is on her right, and the music plays.
Left arm, right arm, left arm, right arm, pose to the right, pose to the left, 360 spin and neck whip, then double V. Midna nailed it, but Cia was lagging. Cia defends she was not, but Lana says it’s alright, they’ll just keep trying. They run through it a couple more times, they do tighten it up, and all three feel really good about how that went.
The Dark Forces are watching.
They aren’t impressed by the “little dance party.” Harlequin says the Faces of Evil are way better anyway. Especially with the classics like the Thriller dance and Macarena. Zant says, “The Macarena? Pfft, and people think I’m a dork…” Harlequin says, “Don’t you dare mock the Macarena!” Harlequin changes tabs on the computer and starts playing the song! After the introduction, he lifts his right arm up flat, then his left. Then he turns the right hand up, the left hand up, puts his right hand on his left shoulder, left hand on right shoulder, then moves right hand up behind his head, and then his left.
Now his arms crisscross, right hand on left hip and left hand on right hip, to then switch so right hand on right hip and left hand on left hip. And of course, he swivels his hips in one big circle to go with “HEY~ Macarena! AIGHT!” Zant rolls his eyes while Harlequin keeps going, jumping 90 degrees to his left. Ganon walks in, Ghirahim following behind, and he tells Harlequin to “turn that crap off.” Harlequin pouts but he does as told. Ganon seethes as he takes a seat in his big arm chair. “Needless to say… Wrestling is Life didn’t go how I’d hoped. What was Kage even doing there?! Did either of you have any idea he was going to betray us?!”
Zant and Ghirahim are a bit flustered. Zant isn’t even sure Kage was part of The Dark Forces at the time Ganon took ownership. He’d kinda gone rogue at some point, didn’t he? Ghirahim agrees, it didn’t seem like he was even aligned with Cia and the others. All the more reason for Kage to keep his nose out of Ganon’s business! If Kage cared about the Dark Forces, then he would’ve helped them fight back at HyruleMania, or any time since. Kage clearly just wants the title, same as Ganon, so he’s a dead man walking. Speaking of that… Where’s Kevin? He came back in April, why isn’t he here?
Somewhere dark and spooky…
Heavy footsteps can be heard echoing as Kevin Gibdo moves down the hallway. He speaks with a low, airy voice, “Majora… Your madness… spread like wildfire… You thought by setting me ablaze… I would crumble into ash… You were wrong! Instead, I have been purified…! Purged of flaws and weaknesses… I now come forth… as gold!” There’s a light at the end of the hall, and Kevin enters a grand hall, with treasure gleaming in the light. At the center is the sarcophagus. Kevin walks up to it, opens it, and then his burnt and tattered bandages fall away before he steps inside. The sarcophagus closes, then the eyes on it begin to glow… Then the entire thing glows!
The glowing becomes a shining light, and that shining becomes so bright that nothing can be seen. It is clear things between Kevin and Majora are not over. Will the Masked Monster even stand a chance once the Gibdo of All Gibdos is restored to full strength?
Back to the Dark Forces…
Shabonne says, “I’m sure Kevin is just fine doing whatever Gibdos do on their time off.” Tali says, “What matters is what I’m about to do to that tiny little weasel with the Goddess Championship. If The Dark Forces is gonna have all the gold, then I need to squash her like a bug and take that title off of whatever’s left!” Ganon nods and says he likes the initiative. Tali will start on her own Triple Crown as the Dark Forces will make Hyrule Pro-Wrestling their kingdom! The group cheers while raising a toast! And then Harlequin gets Glutko and Lupay to join in on the Macarena, to which Ganon groans and facepalms.
And so, the ThunderStruck card is set!
The double ring, double cage will rattle with Blood & Thunder as the HPW World Trios Championships are on the line! The Gerudo Ace looks to settle a grudge with the Hero’s Shadow! And now, the Million Rupee Championship and HPW Goddess Championships will also be on the line! Will the Dark Forces absolutely dominate the Summer? Be ready to endure the heat on Friday, June 20th!
About Chairshot Radio Network
Launched in 2017, the Chairshot Radio Network presents you with the best in sports, entertainment, and sports entertainment. Wrestling and wrestling crossover podcasts + the most interesting content + the most engaging hosts = the most entertaining podcasts you’ll find!
MONDAY - Bandwagon Nerds (entertainment & popular culture)
TUESDAY - Musical Chairs (music) / Hockey Talk (NHL)
WEDNESDAY - The Greg DeMarco Show (wrestling)
THURSDAY - Keeping the news ridiculous... The Oddity / Chairshot NFL (NFL)
FRIDAY - DWI Podcast (Drunk Wrestling Intellect)
SATURDAY - The Mindless Wrestling Podcast
SUNDAY - The Front and Center Sports Podcast
CHAIRSHOT RADIO NETWORK PODCAST SPECIALS
Attitude Of Aggression Podcast & The Big Five Project (chronologically exploring WWE's PPV/PLE history)
TheChairshot.com PRESENTS...IMMEDIATE POST WWE PLE REACTIONS w/ DJ(Mindless), Tunney(DWI) & Friends
Patrick O'Dowd's 5X5
Classic POD is WAR
Chairshot Radio Network Your home for the hardest hitting podcasts... Sports, Entertainment and Sports Entertainment!
Powered by RedCircle
Let us know what you think on social media @ChairshotMedia and always remember to use the hashtag #UseYourHead!