Entertainment
Andrew’s Judgmental Album Reviews: Ozzy Osbourne – Patient Number 9 (2022)
September has been the metal month so far, so time for the new album from the Prince of Darkness! Patient Number 9 is up in the JAR!

So it’s definitely a weird last few years, where reports of his death were greatly exaggerated; but beyond that…he went from no new album since Scream (2010) to having 2 in a 3 year span.
He needs no introduction be you an old school music fan or a big fan of reality TV. My only complaint at first blush is, this is Ozzy’s 13th solo album…and he’s calling it Patient Number 9. I always find it pretty stupid when people put numbers in their album title that don’t coincide with a release date or the album’s place in the discography. That’s a personal gripe though, I can only hope this has a little more grit than Ordinary Man (2020). While it had a few decent songs, it generally felt like it ran out of steam early.
- Artist: Ozzy Osbourne
- Album: Patient Number 9 (2022)
- Label: Epic Records
- Total Track Time: 61:10
Patient Number 9 (feat Jeff Beck) well I think we can all admit, Ozzy’s had an unique voice forever but not inherently great. So the vocal tricks are noticeable, but it has a nice Mr. Crowley kind of vibe and it’s catchy. The rhythm guitar riff that drives the song is simple yet intoxicating and the chorus is easy to want to sing along to. Jeff Beck adds great rock and jazz phrasing through his playing that makes this a really enjoyable listen. The song is also about a mental patient, so typical darker Sabbath-esque themes, not a lot to dive into lyrically. Immortal (feat Mike McCready) now this shouldn’t surprise anyone that it sounds like a more modern Pearl Jam song, but with Ozzy singing. And since Mike McCready is the Pearl Jam guitarist, no one should be shocked there. While I find this…boring and typical radio rock (I also hate Pearl Jam, so that for what you will), it’s not offensive just inane. Parasite (feat Zakk Wylde) okay so now we get Zakk Wylde who’s been Ozzy’s guitarist since 1988 on a good portion of the catalogue. While the song takes a story telling approach like many of Ozzy’s songs, this feels too sparse. Musically it’s driven by a quick drum tempo, but it just doesn’t feel like it goes anywhere. While that works for the imagery; “Mother tried, But everything I do makes her wanna cry, Father, why?, Why are you haunting me every night like a parasite?”, as a song it feels like its spinning its wheels and its just an empty calories song. Still a small step up from the second song, but that’s not what I would call a high bar.
No Escape From Now (feat Tony Iommi) so the intro is this drowned/echoed haunting intro before we get the dark crunch of Iommi‘s guitar. This has a level of ominousness that gets amplified by the choruses lightening things while keeping the swirling feeling very relevant. The dark guitar tone is just creeping this song into glory though. Everything about the structure of the chorus instrumentation is great to bring up to the continued futility of the chorus. We even get a little of the classic Sabbath Blues influence about 2/3rds of the way through the song as we go from the bridge to last bit. One of Those Days (feat Eric Clapton) this has an interesting vibe to it. It’s Bluesy and fits the album well, but Clapton adds a brightness to his playing, which reinforces the imagery in a fun way for this song. In a song about losing your faith, Clapton’s guitar maintaining the beacon of hope, is very cool. “Hey, hey, have I lost my mind?, Killing myself but I never die, It’s one of those days that I don’t believe in Jesus, No, no, Hey, hey, have I lost control?, Drinking my sins, never drown my soul, One of those days that I don’t believe in Jesus”, that’s the chorus and it’s done with such an interesting, nearly folk melody, that it’s very ear wormy.
A Thousand Shades (feat Jeff Beck) okay well I’ve never thought Ozzy did ballads well, so no matter how good the guitar playing is; that won’t save this song. The metaphors are tired, his voice isn’t what I would call “soothing” or “reassuring”; so yeah, this is pathetic. Mr. Darkness (feat Zakk Wylde) so the opening starts acoustic and made me think I put on some Baltimora. But when the vocals kick in, we’re in this weird mid tempo fan perspective song about this “Mister Darkness”. The chorus changes the tempo too abruptly. I don’t really know what to say about this song, aside from, I don’t like it at all. It’s like he took a fan letter and turned it into a song, and it’s just…cringe. Nothing Feels Right (feat Zakk Wylde) thankfully this isn’t a ballad like I initially thought. This is a slower tempo reflective song about depression and suicidal thoughts. The music is just driving enough to amplify points in the song and give off the desperate perception. It’s very well done and I like the way the chorus flows; “I’ve been calling out for someone, Mouth around the gun, Nothing feels right, Nothing feels right, All the pain gets trapped in my lungs, Drowning in my blood, Nothing feels right, Nothing feels right”.
Evil Shuffle (feat Zakk Wylde) I can’t take this song seriously. The title sounds like something Laszlo would’ve written in What We Do In The Shadows. I feel like fans of Ozzy will like this song because its catchy, slightly entertaining and has most Ozzy staples…but it’s stupid. Evil Shuffle is like Freddy, Michael Myers and Pinhead playing shuffle board in the evil retirement home. I mean the sheer stupidity of the title makes me overlook the fact that musically the song is fine, but the title is for babies. Degradation Rules (feat Tony Iommi) well you can tell when it’s a Tony song because the tuning comes down to that nice Sabbath darkness. At least the sophomoric aspect of this song is hidden beyond the title, and its simplicity makes it less annoying. It’s a very groovy and simple song about a kinky dude who likes to masturbate a lot. So it’s not gonna solve world hunger or cause a giant think tank for the smartest philosophers of our time…but it’s amusing, especially the little RedTube plug at the end.
Dead and Gone is a song I haven’t found a ton to say. It’s very melodic and radio rock, but not inherently bad. I’m surprised it wasn’t the lead single since it has that catchy, yet forgettable, air about itself. So I’ll say its a serviceable song, but I’m not really compelled to care one way or another. God Only Knows has a very somber tone without being an outright ballad. Feels more like a King’s X song than Ozzy Osbourne song. But I do enjoy the chorus; “God only knows what’s going on, My life has become the saddest song, Better to burn in hell than fade away, fade away, God’s looking down on what we’ve done, Watching the children play with guns, Better to burn in hell than fade away, fade away”; taking the control out of his hands while also playing with the Neil Young line of “It’s better to burn out than fade away”. This does have a similar problem to Dead and Gone though, where it’s not bad but; it is very much forgettable. Darkside Blues even though it’s a less than 2 minute little outro, it starts with heavy Bayou Blues instrumentation. I definitely love the little Blues elements that Ozzy peppered in this album and got mostly the correct guitarists.
I think it’s pretty much obvious that this album is better than Ordinary Man (2020) but not by as much as others are saying. There are still a few worthless songs, empty calories, stupid concepts and overall generic sounding songs that will never be remembered by anyone who isn’t a die hard Ozzy fan. Counting the outro is 13 songs, I can say there’s at least 8 good to great songs on this album. Plus I can also say the really great songs like Patient Number 9 and No Escape From Now help to even out some of the garbage.
Therefore, it’s not a bad album. It’s not fantastic, but it’s definitely serviceable and a step in the right direction.
Final Judgment: 6.05/10
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Bandwagon Nerds
Bandwagon Nerds #288: Disney In The Desert
Disney makes a controversial decision about where it is building its 7th theme park. Plus, loads of trailers, Thunderbolts* news, DCU updates, and more!

Patrick returns to the show this week and leads the guys through a stacked Trailer Park, including the most recent previews of Old Guard 2, The Long Walk, Peacemaker Season 2, and Stick. Patrick also shares his thoughts with Dave and Tunney about Thunderbolts* and addresses some interesting rumors about what didn’t make it into the film. Meanwhile, Disney makes a very divisive decision about a 7th theme park, and President Trump’s trade war targets the film industry. It sounds crazy, but it’s true. If you are curious, we have answers, so make sure you tune in!
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PROWRESTLINGTEES.COM/TheChairshot – Makes a GREAT GIFT!!!
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Launched in 2017, the Chairshot Radio Network presents you with the best in sports, entertainment, and sports entertainment. Wrestling and wrestling crossover podcasts + the most interesting content + the most engaging hosts = the most entertaining podcasts you’ll find!
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About Chairshot Radio Network
Launched in 2017, the Chairshot Radio Network presents you with the best in sports, entertainment, and sports entertainment. Wrestling and wrestling crossover podcasts + the most interesting content + the most engaging hosts = the most entertaining podcasts you’ll find!
MONDAY - Bandwagon Nerds (entertainment & popular culture)
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WEDNESDAY - The Greg DeMarco Show (wrestling)
THURSDAY - Keeping the news ridiculous... The Oddity / Chairshot NFL (NFL)
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CHAIRSHOT RADIO NETWORK PODCAST SPECIALS
Attitude Of Aggression Podcast & The Big Five Project (chronologically exploring WWE's PPV/PLE history)
TheChairshot.com PRESENTS...IMMEDIATE POST WWE PLE REACTIONS w/ DJ(Mindless), Tunney(DWI) & Friends
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Prepare for the most electrifying even of the HPW calendar!
While the stage is set for Blood & Thunder 4 and the HPW World Trios Championships, HPW must also address the return of KAGE!
Thundra Plateau is ready.
Wrestling is Life, but life has its stormy weather. The rain is going to be hot in June, but will the reign continue through the Summer? The Dark Forces may have failed to take the Undisputed Triforce World Championship from Zelda, but they still have the World Trios Championships. Harlequin, Lupay & Glutko will step inside the double ring, double cage to defend their gold. On one side, Arrow Club’s special combination of Fin Balure, Torbevito & Bad Croc Scaly. On the other, a new combination of its own in Cia, Lana & Midna.
Speaking of Cia, Lana & Midna…
The three of them are together, dressed in workout attire, in what appears to be a dance studio. This is a collaboration stream for Midna and Lana as they’re both big presences on the internet, aka “influencers.” Lana and Midna wave and say hi, and they give introductions, including Cia, who is reluctant to be standing there. Cia doesn’t know why they need to do this. Lana says they have to improve their teamwork. They may have won against Los Taros Locos, but it was really sketchy there for a second. Midna adds that doing a dance routine together is great for their timing and coordination.
Cia says she didn’t mean that, she meant having to stream it! Oh, well obviously, combining Midna’s viewing audience with Lana’s, and HPW’s overall, this makes huge numbers! So? And huge money…! Cia raises her eyebrow and says, “Oh really?” The trio sets up, and Lana says obviously they first have to learn the steps. Midna brings up, “Wait, what song are we dancing to?” Oh, good point. Lana was thinking something from Lulu. Cia asks, “Lulu? From the Indigo-Go’s?” Midna says Lulu’s got a great solo album. Lana agrees! That’s so great that they like the same music. Cia isn’t as familiar with her solo stuff, so she’ll rely on them for this.
Lana suggests they go with Energetic Me. For one, it has the most energy, duh. And it still has a dance vibe, which is the whole point. Midna says she might’ve gone with Royal Discotheque or Ten Outta Ten, but she sees Lana’s point. Lana shows them the dance moves she has in mind. Left arm up, bent at the elbow, and the hand up against the side of the chest. Then they switch so the right arm goes up to mirror that position while the left hand goes back to the hip. Maybe add a little hip pop as that happens. Do that a couple times, and then turn to the right. This puts the left hand on the back of the hip, right hand on the back of the neck for a sexy pose.
Then you turn to flip it the other way, then do a 360 with a big neck whipping, hair flipping move. Then finish with feet apart and double V’s up by the eyes, maybe with a wink. Cia says, “Yeah, okay…” while Midna says, “I like it!” Midna says she’ll set up in the middle. Cia asks why Midna is in the middle, and Midna says it’s symmetry. She’s the tallest, Cia and Lana are about the same, it makes sense. Yeah, but it also means Midna is the center of attention. Well, that’s just coincidental. Lana says it doesn’t matter, the point is them doing it all in synch. Cia sighs and says, “Fine.” Midna is in the middle, Cia is on her right, and the music plays.
Left arm, right arm, left arm, right arm, pose to the right, pose to the left, 360 spin and neck whip, then double V. Midna nailed it, but Cia was lagging. Cia defends she was not, but Lana says it’s alright, they’ll just keep trying. They run through it a couple more times, they do tighten it up, and all three feel really good about how that went.
The Dark Forces are watching.
They aren’t impressed by the “little dance party.” Harlequin says the Faces of Evil are way better anyway. Especially with the classics like the Thriller dance and Macarena. Zant says, “The Macarena? Pfft, and people think I’m a dork…” Harlequin says, “Don’t you dare mock the Macarena!” Harlequin changes tabs on the computer and starts playing the song! After the introduction, he lifts his right arm up flat, then his left. Then he turns the right hand up, the left hand up, puts his right hand on his left shoulder, left hand on right shoulder, then moves right hand up behind his head, and then his left.
Now his arms crisscross, right hand on left hip and left hand on right hip, to then switch so right hand on right hip and left hand on left hip. And of course, he swivels his hips in one big circle to go with “HEY~ Macarena! AIGHT!” Zant rolls his eyes while Harlequin keeps going, jumping 90 degrees to his left. Ganon walks in, Ghirahim following behind, and he tells Harlequin to “turn that crap off.” Harlequin pouts but he does as told. Ganon seethes as he takes a seat in his big arm chair. “Needless to say… Wrestling is Life didn’t go how I’d hoped. What was Kage even doing there?! Did either of you have any idea he was going to betray us?!”
Zant and Ghirahim are a bit flustered. Zant isn’t even sure Kage was part of The Dark Forces at the time Ganon took ownership. He’d kinda gone rogue at some point, didn’t he? Ghirahim agrees, it didn’t seem like he was even aligned with Cia and the others. All the more reason for Kage to keep his nose out of Ganon’s business! If Kage cared about the Dark Forces, then he would’ve helped them fight back at HyruleMania, or any time since. Kage clearly just wants the title, same as Ganon, so he’s a dead man walking. Speaking of that… Where’s Kevin? He came back in April, why isn’t he here?
Somewhere dark and spooky…
Heavy footsteps can be heard echoing as Kevin Gibdo moves down the hallway. He speaks with a low, airy voice, “Majora… Your madness… spread like wildfire… You thought by setting me ablaze… I would crumble into ash… You were wrong! Instead, I have been purified…! Purged of flaws and weaknesses… I now come forth… as gold!” There’s a light at the end of the hall, and Kevin enters a grand hall, with treasure gleaming in the light. At the center is the sarcophagus. Kevin walks up to it, opens it, and then his burnt and tattered bandages fall away before he steps inside. The sarcophagus closes, then the eyes on it begin to glow… Then the entire thing glows!
The glowing becomes a shining light, and that shining becomes so bright that nothing can be seen. It is clear things between Kevin and Majora are not over. Will the Masked Monster even stand a chance once the Gibdo of All Gibdos is restored to full strength?
Back to the Dark Forces…
Shabonne says, “I’m sure Kevin is just fine doing whatever Gibdos do on their time off.” Tali says, “What matters is what I’m about to do to that tiny little weasel with the Goddess Championship. If The Dark Forces is gonna have all the gold, then I need to squash her like a bug and take that title off of whatever’s left!” Ganon nods and says he likes the initiative. Tali will start on her own Triple Crown as the Dark Forces will make Hyrule Pro-Wrestling their kingdom! The group cheers while raising a toast! And then Harlequin gets Glutko and Lupay to join in on the Macarena, to which Ganon groans and facepalms.
And so, the ThunderStruck card is set!
The double ring, double cage will rattle with Blood & Thunder as the HPW World Trios Championships are on the line! The Gerudo Ace looks to settle a grudge with the Hero’s Shadow! And now, the Million Rupee Championship and HPW Goddess Championships will also be on the line! Will the Dark Forces absolutely dominate the Summer? Be ready to endure the heat on Friday, June 20th!
About Chairshot Radio Network
Launched in 2017, the Chairshot Radio Network presents you with the best in sports, entertainment, and sports entertainment. Wrestling and wrestling crossover podcasts + the most interesting content + the most engaging hosts = the most entertaining podcasts you’ll find!
MONDAY - Bandwagon Nerds (entertainment & popular culture)
TUESDAY - Musical Chairs (music) / Hockey Talk (NHL)
WEDNESDAY - The Greg DeMarco Show (wrestling)
THURSDAY - Keeping the news ridiculous... The Oddity / Chairshot NFL (NFL)
FRIDAY - DWI Podcast (Drunk Wrestling Intellect)
SATURDAY - The Mindless Wrestling Podcast
SUNDAY - The Front and Center Sports Podcast
CHAIRSHOT RADIO NETWORK PODCAST SPECIALS
Attitude Of Aggression Podcast & The Big Five Project (chronologically exploring WWE's PPV/PLE history)
TheChairshot.com PRESENTS...IMMEDIATE POST WWE PLE REACTIONS w/ DJ(Mindless), Tunney(DWI) & Friends
Patrick O'Dowd's 5X5
Classic POD is WAR
Chairshot Radio Network Your home for the hardest hitting podcasts... Sports, Entertainment and Sports Entertainment!
Powered by RedCircle
Let us know what you think on social media @ChairshotMedia and always remember to use the hashtag #UseYourHead!