Entertainment

Mitchell’s Hyrule Puro-Resu News Report! (9/1/23)

Meet this year’s Dark Horses!

Published

2 years ago

September 1, 2023

Steven Mitchell

Another year, another field of hungry HPW hopefuls!

With just over three weeks to prepare, we hear from this year’s eight Dark Horses before they stampede onto Irch Plain for their HPW debuts!

Blaino speaks.

“Blam-o wham-o, my fists are infinite ammo! A quick one-two and you’ll be black ‘n’ blue! And while I may be rappin’ ‘n’ rhymin’ now, my opponent’s gonna be singing the blues all the way home. The shot you don’t see is the one that takes you down, and with as fast as my fists move, this match won’t last long. Then I’ll knock out 32 other Hyrule Warriors and go right for the champ! They won’t know what hit ’em!” Does Blaino have a puncher’s chance in a pro-wrestling match?

Avalaunch speaks.

“In order to prove I am the strongest in Hyrule, I shall crush, smash, mash, bash and otherwise break whoever is put in my way! It is as simple as that.” Well, that was straight to the point. Will this stone giant do all that and more once the bell rings?

Paya interviews The Grim Creeper.

Paya is a bit nervous as she asks the stout Stalfos how he feels being named one of this year’s Dark Horses. Grim says, “There’s a large crop of young talent all around Hyrule, wanting this opportunity, so for HPW to see me as part of this year’s top eight is… vindicating. I have been working so hard for so long and I’m finally getting the recognition I deserve! And I’m going to get the acclaim I deserve when I win and go on to Clash of Fates!” Grim brings out a flute, and as he walks away, he plays Chopin’s Piano Sonata No. 2, “Funeral March.” Dun dun da-dun, dun dada dada da-dun! Will The Grim Creeper be the death of the this generation?

Dinolfos works out at the HPW Training Center.

And he is raising the bar, both literally and metaphorically, on HPW combine strength records. Standing at 6’7″ and weighing just under 300 pounds, this razorback reptilian is benching 500! He finishes his reps and sits up for the interview. Irene says that was an impressive showing just now, and asks how he feels going into the Dark Horse Stampede. Dinolfos chuckles and says, “Whoever is put up against me isn’t going to stand a chance. They’ll merely be an appetizer for me before I feast on 32 Hyrule Warriors in the Coliseum. Now let me get back to work.”

Dinolfos stands up, moves the bench aside, and then he squats those 500 pounds! Will anyone survive this wrestle-saurus rex?

Cragma speaks.

He stands on the side of Death Mountain, his spooky cycloptic eye staring daggers at the camera. “I am no ‘dark horse.’ I am no ‘surprise victor.’ Here today, I guarantee victory! Both in September, and October, and then again and again, over and over. None shall stand before the heat, all will be ash at my feet. So saith THE LAVA LORD!” There’s fire in his eyes and in his words, will he blaze a trail to the gold?

Freezlord speaks.

In a parallel yet antithesis to Cragma, this mysterious masked man covered in ice stands on Hebra Peak. And he doesn’t stare at the camera but off into the distance. “Summer is over. The heat is dying down. Soon, a chill will come through the air. HPW will shiver from the winds of change. It will not be a cold snap, gone as quickly as it came in. No, this will be a new ice age, where I shall reign supreme. Don’t think of me as cold blooded, it’s just my nature.” Is Freezlord going to leave everyone buried in the snow?

Thunderbird shows off his skills.

The Rito luchador runs the ropes, ducks ‘n’ dodges, then springboards to flying arm-drag! Then he kips up, dropkicks, then dodges another to handspring back elbow! SPINAROONI! “If you think that was impressive, just wait until I get serious.” If that’s what Thunderbird can do without even trying, what will we see when opportunity is on the line?

Yunobo speaks.

“U-Um, h-hi, everyone. M-M-My name’s Y-Yunobo. S-Sorry, I’m just… a bit nervous. Could I get some water?” A stagehand hands him a bottle from offscreen and he thanks them. He then chugs the bottle all the way to about three quarters of the way empty! He thanks the stagehand again, and continues. “I’m, uh, a third-generation wrestler. My grandfather is Daruk, I know he hasn’t been wrestling lately but that’s cuz he was helping me train and was with me for my indie debut and, well, anyway, um, so I’m pretty confident- Uh, no, I’m really confident. Very confident! So, so confident, that my grandfather has prepared me for this moment! I won’t let you down, Grampa!”

Yunobo then asks if that was good and the camera cuts. Confidence issues aside, Yunobo is just as big, maybe even bigger than his grandfather in size. Will that at least give Yunobo a fighting chance in this Dark Horse Stampede?

My Thoughts:

I know this is all rather superfluous stuff, promos from characters that are truly 100% made up, but I felt we should “get to know” these characters before seeing them in action, with only half really being guaranteed to stick around. Though as I think about it, I haven’t done the best job of keeping all of last year’s Dark Horses active. I’ll try to do better about that, I really do like a lot of those characters.

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Entertainment

Mitchell’s Hyrule Puro-Resu News Report! (4/10/25)

It’s gonna be May!

Published

1 week ago

April 10, 2025

Steven Mitchell

There’s been a slight change in the forecast…

There may not be a storm on the horizon, but when Wrestling Is Life, every day is unpredictable! What does HPW have planned for May Day?

HPW prepares for the storm ahead…

Blood & Thunder still beckons, and the Faces of Evil need to defend their HPW World Trios Championships. Therefore, Wrestling Is Life will see two qualifying trios matches! After the controversial nature of losing the titles at HyruleMania, Arrow Club is given a spot in these qualifiers. And they will be facing familiar foes in TSDQ! The Studly Don’t Quit, but will they make it through to ThunderStruck? As for the second qualifier, Los Taros Locos will return in hopes of stampeding up to the top of HPW, but they’ll be up against quite the mysterious team. Cia represents the OG Dark Forces expelled from the group, and she’ll bring her sister, Lana, with her!

But who is their third partner? They didn’t name them, so who could it be? Volga? Kevin Gibdo? Or even Wizzro? Will keeping it an unknown be the key to winning?

Igos du Ikana speaks.

From inside his shadowy throne room, The Ruler of Ruin looks at the HPW Death Mountain Championship on a pedestal. “The HPW Death Mountain Championship. A championship created not just to commemorate one of Hyrule’s greatest landmarks, but also to commemorate one of Hyrule’s greatest wrestling promotions. Death Mountain Wrestling was a vital part of wrestling history, where legends would pave the way for a new generation, and inspire many more. Not unlike Termina Championship Wrestling.”

Igos walks past the pedestal to look to a trophy case. Igos looks to his copy of the classic TCW Championship, and even of the High Noon Championship. There are also poster sized pictures of Igos’ greatest moments, such as the first time he won the TCW title, and the last time he held it while TCW was still active. Igos continues by saying, “I say this not because you don’t know. Of course you know this. I say this so that you might understand. I say this because I need you to understand. You have great aspirations, and strong ambition, but I don’t think you understand what you’re attempting to achieve.

“You stand at the foot of a mountain, it’s shadow upon you. That mountain’s name is legacy. You want to climb the mountain. You want to reach the top and plant your own flag at the summit. You want everyone to see you, to look up to you, to acknowledge you. But this climb is more challenging than you know. This climb is more challenging than you can handle. These belts may only be ten pounds, but they weigh so much more once you put them on. You are not ready for the climb. You are not ready to carry that weight. You are not ready to push yourself, step after step, inch after inch, as the mountain only grows steeper and steeper. And you never will be.

“So I tell you this not because you do not know. I tell you this so that you may understand. You must turn back now, find another path forward, before it is too late. Before you fall… to ruin.” It is clear who this message is for, but will young Yunobo heed this grizzled warrior’s warning?

HPW Deep Dive: Wisdom VS Power.

The Princess of Hyrule visits Hero of Hyrule, Link, now that he’s home from the hospital. He still needs bed rest, given everything Ganon did to him. He has bandages around his head, and his sister, Aryll, checks his stitches. 13 stitches all along the hairline. They’re holding well, no bleeding. Zelda sits with Link and holds his hand. She apologizes for what happened, but Link shakes his head. Aryll agrees, Zelda’s not to blame, Ganon and his Dark Forces are. They ruined her moment, they beat Link down, so they they have to be stopped. Ganon’s coming after the title anyway, so Zelda can get payback at the same time.

Ganon says, “Like I give a damn.” The Gerudo Ace lounges in his manor, The Dark Forces all around him. That now includes Shabonne & Tali, sporting new ensembles to reflect joining up. The Faces of Evil have their HPW World Trios Championships while Ganon has the Triforce Tournament trophy in hand. Ganon then mockingly says, “YoU dEsErVe It~! YoU dEsErVe It~!” Audio from the Triforce Anniversary event is interspliced here, as well as flashes of Zelda being emotional as she has the title belt put on.

“Isn’t it strange that Zelda takes the fall at HyruleMania, but I’m the one relegated to the tournament? And she clearly has that pointy eared little simp wrapped around her finger, or else he wouldn’t have even agreed to the match. But hey, what do I know? I only beat Link one-on-one in his first defense, then beat Zelda one-on-one in my first defense. I’m the Triple Crown Champion, I beat legends of TCW, and I’m this year’s Triforce Tournament winner. No one is more deserving of that title, of whatever title there is, than me! Isn’t that right?” The group all say, “Yeah!”

Ganon says, “The Dark Forces will be golden!” The group again shouts, “Yeah!” Ganon says, “The Dark Forces RUNS HPW!” The group again shouts, “YEAH!!” The Dark Forces all raise a glass to drink it up, while Link rests his head on Zelda’s shoulder and she rests her head on his. The Princess of Hyrule may reign, but will she fail to trump the Gerudo Ace? The countdown is on until May 1st, when Wrestling is Life!