Andrew’s TNA iMPACT! Results & Match Ratings: 8.22.2024

We get the Hardyz back in action against Moose and JDC, the final two Ultimate X qualifiers and a little more build to Emergence.

That’s all I got, the product has been kinda lame with most of the good things about TNA being on NXT the passed few weeks. Maybe this episode can start to turn a corner, but a useless chopped up tease of a time limit Draw last week (when there was at least 3 extra minutes of bullshit that could’ve been the 2 seconds needed for a clean win, but you know, who cares about logic); just to push things to an Iron Man match…ugh. Will it probably be a good wrestling match? Sure. Is it creatively bankrupt and as interesting as a wart on your ass? Also yes.

But lets see where this goes.

Ratings:

• Ultimate X Qualifier: Alexander Hammerstone vs Frankie Kazarian vs Kushida: Hammerstone wins via Nightmare Pendulum – ** 1/2
• Alisha Edwards w/Masha Slamovich vs Rosemary: Rosemary wins via As Above So Below – * 1/2
• Xia Brookside, Rhino & PCO vs Madman Fulton, Steph De Lander & Kon: PCO wins via PCO-Sault – ** 1/4
• Ultimate X Qualifier: Laredo Kid vs Jai Vidal vs Bhupinder Gujjar: Laredo wins via 450 – ** 3/4
• Charlie Dempsey vs Jonathan Gresham: Gresham wins via pinfall – *** 1/2
• JDC & Moose vs The Hardyz: Hardyz win via Swanton Bomb – ***

Results:

Ultimate X Qualifier: Alexander Hammerstone vs Frankie Kazarian vs Kushida

Kaz and Kushida do the smart thing by teaming up on Hammerstone to take him out early, before Kazarian tries to take advantage of the parity. Trading positioning and a few small spots, Kushida and Kaz turn and eat a Double Flying Dropkick from Hammerstone as he starts to toss both smaller guys around. Kaz begs off and tries to convince Hammer that Kushida is the real threat, then tries to Sneak Attack Hammer, but Hammer no sells, chases Kaz and then Kushida and Hammerstone beat on Kaz. Hammer tries to Lariat Kushida but gets caught and Flatliner’d into the steps.

Kushida rolls in Kaz and then takes a few seconds to absorb the accolades on the apron, so Kaz Slingshots him in, Cutter for 2. Hammer comes in to stop any kind of pinfall attempts, Kaz gets dropped, Kushida throws a Cross Arm Breaker on Hammer but Kaz breaks it up with a Springboard Leg Drop. Kaz goes for Fade to Black on Hammer, Kushida feigns going for the Mist and Kaz lets Hammer go, then eats a Tanaka Punch. Kushida then tries to do his Back Handspring Elbow, but Hammer catches him midair and into the Torture Rack. Kushida tries to transition to the Hoverboard Lock, but Hammer powers through, NIGHTMARE PENDULUM! Kaz tries to break it up, but he’s too slow, Hammer wins!

Eric Young and Maclin have a small backstage thing that just lingers, looms and doesn’t really do anything.

Santana gets a backstage promo next, and its alright, just too sparse and cheap looking. Good energy, words were solid, just the scenery was a bit lame.

Alisha Edwards w/Masha Slamovich vs Rosemary

Lish tries to berate Rosemary early, but the words and poking in the chest do nothing. Rosemary runs over Lish a few times early, does her new lower version of the Upside Down, but Masha distracts Rosemary when she’s going to the top. Lish trips her up, Tower of London, but only for 2. Lish twists and drives Rosemary’s head into the mat multiple times with her knees for another near fall. Rosemary fires up, tries to back down Lish, but Lish Drop Toe Hold into a Corner Splash and Hip Attack for yet another near fall. Forearm strikes from Lish just annoy Rosemary, she swings back, rope run, and Rosemary catches her with a Spear for 2! Rosemary with a Hip Attack into X Factor and Rosemary fires up again. Masha grabs Rosemary’s foot, Lish hits the DeLISH, but Spitfire come out to attack Masha and the referee gets distracted from outside action. As Above So Below from Rosemary for the win!

Stupid match, nonsensical interference and referee distraction, slow action, just a lot of bad and obvious. Remove the Knockouts Tags forever, the belts are useless and the make the Knockouts Division look weak and moronic.

Xia Brookside, Rhino & PCO vs Madman Fulton, Steph De Lander & Kon

Cardona’s big swerve was that he wasn’t medically cleared yet for this match, so Kon and Fulton are surprise teammates. Fulton I’m happy to see. Kon however, I’d be happier to find a spiked fist permanently in my ass than ever see him wrestle again. 

Commentary tries to play up the Kon feud as something big, but we all know it was the worst thing ever. Xia tags in to stare down Kon, and little Xia is not happy. She bites his hand and then jumps on his back and starts to punch him. Steph moves Xia out of the way of Kon’s Corner Splash. Xia looks to tag out but Kon and Fulton won’t let her. Fulton grabs her foot and mocks her, but an Enzuigiri gives her the separation needs for Rhino to tag in. Rhino gets the best of the power guys slamming into each other spot. Rhino tries to take it to the outside, but Fulton turns it around, posts Rhino and then starts taking control. Cardona gets involved from time to time, but Steph is refusing to participate with the heels so far.

Fulton and Kon throttle Rhino, isolate him and throw Knee Lifts, Haymakers and the old Ultimate Warrior Splash off the ropes. Fulton tries to take out Xia and PCO, but Xia dips which has Fulton bark at her, so Rhino fires up and lays out Fulton so he can tag in PCO. Diving Cannonball into Kon, Splash into the corner to slow down Fulton, Elbow off the Apron into Kon! Fulton tries to take advantage of distracted PCO but Xia cuts him off, Fulton goozles Xia but PCO manages to rock Fulton so Xia hits the Brooksie Bomb, into a Gore from Rhino and the PCO-Sault for the win!

The match was a mess, but fun, and even if Xia’s facial expressions were a little comically over the top, things were still decent. And yes, sadly, Xia is still in my good graces…dammit.

https://x.com/i/status/1826786553919582215

Ultimate X Qualifier: Laredo Kid vs Jai Vidal vs Bhupinder Gujjar

Hopefully Bhupinder has changed his moronic Gargoyle Spear finisher, even though Laredo is prolly winning this weak matchup.

They look for a triple tie up, but Jai doesn’t want to touch them, showboats a little and eats offense from both Gujjar and Laredo. Laredo then goes full Lucha at Gujjar which sends him into the ropes and powdering. Jai picks the ankle, takes out Laredo across the ring and then goes in feeling himself, but Gujjar has already recovered and stares him down. A few quick hitters, rope run into the Frankensteiner sends Jai to the outside. Gujjar looks for a Plancha but eats a kick from Laredo, Laredo sends Gujjar to powder and Jai boots the taste out of the Laredo’s mouth a few times and then a bit of a Corner Chop exchange from the two. Gamengiri from Jai rocks Laredo, Jai goes for his Wrecking Ball feint into the bitch slap of doom. Gujjar lands a Ripcord Knee, Jai tries to jump off of Gujjar and to the outside but slips and crashes a bit into the apron before barely making contact with Laredo (looks like Jai is generally okay though since the ref goes to check on him and he stays in).

A few car crash spots on the outside, Laredo hits his Twisting Moonsault Elbows but Gujjar breaks up the pinfall into a Pop-Up European Uppercut but Jai breaks up the pinfall with a slap. Gujjar goes after Jai, Jai claws at the eyes, they wrestle to the corner, Gujjar gets hung up in the corner and eats a Double Stomp from Jai. Jai rolls right into Laredo Kid, Laredo Driver into 450 for the win.

While the match was predictable, Jai and Gujjar looked pretty good…save for Jai’s botch. Still generally speaking it was solid work though.

Charlie Dempsey vs Jonathan Gresham

Chain wrestling start since Gresham has forgotten the Octopus gimmick…seemingly. So we’re getting World of Sport, chain wrestling heavy opening. Charlie with a Full Arm Drag and Twist into joint manipulation, and positioning, but Gresham uses the Wrestler’s Bridge and a float over to gain the advantage into a grounded Double Arm capture. Charlie manages to get out of that and turn it into his inverted Muta Lock, but when Gresham tries to get away, Charlie holds the Cravat. Cravat into a Snapmare, when Charlie looks for another Headlock, Gresham slips it and starts working Double Wristlocks. Locomotion pinfalls, into a Backslide struggle before Charlie connects on the European Uppercut and Gresham runs him over with the Shoulder Tackle.

Test of Strength bend back, but Gresham gets the best and turns it into a pinfall. Wrestler’s Bridge saves Charlie 3 times before they go for a very old school Knuckle Lock Monkey Flip locomotion dual pinfalls. Insanely World of Sport and impressive. Gresham goes after the legs to chop down Charlie, even applying pressure on the knee cap to try and hyper extend, so we get tied up in mat wrestling. Charlie tries to block the Indian Deathlock with picking the Ankle and twisting it. Gresham gets into full mount and starts to try and grapple down Charlie’s shoulders. Beautiful positioning, tying up the legs, getting leverage on the arms and finding a way to finally keep his shoulders down for 3!

JDC & Moose vs The Hardyz

Before the bell rings, Jeff grabs a chair, and chases The System around, but he gets stifled and they start a normal tag match. Jawbreaker from Jeff, tags in Matt, Poetry in Motion on Moose, but Moose starts to fight back a bit and manages to catch Matt and tag in JDC. After a little bit of a tandem offense, Matt is slowly showing some fire by just peppering fists, but he gets cut off time and again. Moose goes for a Jacknife Powerbomb, Matt counters with a Russian Leg Sweep. Jeff tags in, Twist of Fate! Goes for Swanton, but JDC distracts him and Moose crotches him.

JDC tags in and keeps Jeff isolated in the heel corner with basic moves, Moose tags in, same thing with Shoulder Thrusts and Knee Lifts. Matt gets a Delete chant going, Jeff tries to fight up to his feet, Moose grabs the foot and eats the Mule Kick. Matt tags in and goes after Moose, Neckbreaker into the Delete Corner Turnbuckle spot. Tornado DDT from Matt, Middle Rope Extreme Elbow for 2! Matt tries a Twist of Fate, Moose pushes off, JDC Low Bridge so Matt spills out. Moose attacks Jeff and JDC beats on Matt to keep their advantage tangible. Snapmare into a Headlock from JDC to just lay on an already beaten up Matt to try and sap his energy. But Matt fires, nearly tags out but JDC clocks Matt and then tags in Moose for the double team moves. Moose talks smack too long, looks for a Suplex, but Matt counters with one of his own. Simultaneous tags, Jeff lights up JDC, Wishbone Leg Drop, near fall, Side Russian from Jeff and the Leg Drop Prawn Hold Cradle for 2! Whisper in the Wind! But of course only a 2. JDC counters the Twist of Fate, and they go for Lariats so simultaneous tags again.

Matt meets Moose with a Side Effect. JDC tries to interfere, Jeff pushes JDC out and then eats a Pump Kick from Moose. Moose goes for his Escalara but gets caught by Matt with a Cutter! JDC hits the Down and Dirty to break up the pin, and then Jeff attacks JDC. JDC drops Matt after tagging in, goes to the top, Matt crotches him, Avalanche Twist of Fate! Tags in Jeff, Swanton Bomb! Hardyz win!

Overall Score: 6/10

They’re just shoehorning Hendry in for end of shows schmoz stuff. This is getting as corny as AEW and as corny as old TNA where brawls were the only way they knew how to end a show.  If we didn’t get a fantastic match (that meant nothing) from Charlie Dempsey and Jonathan Gresham, and a solid main event match…this was mostly skippable. Madman Fulton being back is nice, Xia is adorable, but the highlights could be covered in a 10 minute YouTube video and not needing to sit through 2 hours of mediocrity, obvious outcomes and booking themselves into a corner.

Let’s also not overlook the Hammerstone match I suppose. The right man won…but…what the actual hell was that finish? They already invalidated the Nightmare Pendulum when Josh Alexander rolls away after an AVALANCHE version. But now he wins the match with the Pendulum and not the Torture Rack? This inconsistent writing is proof Anthony Cicione is just as inept as the other Tony who’s running a wrestling company.

A few things made the show enjoyable, many other things made it questionable, and the usage of Kon once again, in a PCO story line…I literally hate whoever signed off on that. Miserable, no talent, plodding, boring, ass quality matches. Fire Kon so he can go live in NWA purgatory with the rest of the wrestling toys no one wants.