HPW takes a closer look at the Death Mountain, Goddess and Triforce championship matches!

Before the #CelebrationofGreatness, Hyrule Puro-Resu takes a closer look at major match-ups! Lastly: the top three HPW championship matches!

HPW ring crew tests the hoist and hook.

The redesigned “retro” Death Mountain Championship will be high above the ring for the Ladder match, where someone will claim the vacant title for their own. But to the surprise of everyone, especially those participating in the match, it is still a Furious 5 Way, even after Volga withdrew to pursue Death Sword and Gomess. And needless to say, no one is happy about that.

“Who are they even putting in this match?” Balure asks.

“More importantly, why aren’t they telling us? Who are they handing this golden opportunity to on a silver platter?” Balure scoffs and says it doesn’t really matter. The ladders will be the real threats in this match. You don’t even have to be a wrestler to know inanimate objects are stubborn and unpredictable. The ladders are more than likely “to go into business for themselves.” But Balure will use the ladders against his opponents, his opponents against the ladders, and his opponents against each other. Balure vows to “climb this mountain” and finally reign as the Prince.

Ashei is stoic as ever as she checks her gear.

Climbing a ladder is nothing compared to climbing a mountain, and she’s already climbed many mountains. “Mount Hebra is the most challenging because of the wind and cold. Central Hyrule is balmy compared to Hebra this time of year. And ladders are meant to be climbed. Mountains dare you to try.” But she also knows steel is just as unforgiving as stone, and ladders are also weapons. She’ll have to stay light on her toes for this one.

Nabooru looks at the title gleaming in the sun as she sits in the stands.

Nabooru hasn’t been in many ladder matches. This actually makes her third. “Three is a lucky number in Hyrule. But I’m not so sure that applies here.” Nabooru doesn’t want to boast, but she knows her strength and speed will only mean so much in this match. You need to be able to plan things, visualize, execute. Nabooru’s never been the strategic type. She has the goal in mind and then improvises. “Who knows? Maybe that’ll help this time?” She’ll have to improvise anyway with the fifth entrant a wild card now. Nabooru doesn’t have a clue who it could be, but it doesn’t matter. She has the goal in mind. She’s never once looked away from the title while talking.

Great Fairy waves to fans as she arrives at the arena.

She’s so happy to see fans remember who she is, it’s been some time. She poses for pictures with fans young and old, autographs things for them, then heads inside. Fairy doesn’t want us to think she’s just happy to be back, happy to be here, that kind of thing. She wants that title as badly as the others. She wants to be the first female wrestler to hold that title, and not just in HPW. Death Mountain Wrestling wasn’t as progressive as HPW, so THE Death Mountain Championship was only for men, and there was a DMW Women’s Championship. She was the latter, but she does admit Zelda had a point all those months ago. “A top champion should be the best wrestler, no matter who they are.” So Great Fairy being the first female Death Mountain Champion anywhere would be incredible.

But just who is this “wild card?”

King Nicolas Foolyere refuses to give that up. We’ll all have to find out at the same time the other entrants do. HPW Management isn’t trying to be unfair to Balure, Ashei, Nabooru and Great Fairy. It’s mostly because, they aren’t sure if this fifth entrant will show up. “It’s complicated business type stuff. Very messy, very top secret. But hey, if it works out, it’ll all be worth it.”

Narration pops in, “A star-studded match for an iconic title. The fifth entrant isn’t the only variable, as the ladders are always volatile. Will the violence escalate to a new level for the sake of elevating one’s legacy?”

Midna and Zelda both make final preparations.

The Twilight Princess and the Princess of Hyrule are both after a different crown today. That crown is being polished for Midna by one of her fellow Twili. That is to say, as she is the Twilight (Twilit) Princess, one of her followers is polishing it for her. She thanks him and pats him on the head for it, and by that blush on his face, he’s more than happy to help. Midna walks the halls of the Twilight Palace, where she and her “subjects” live, where she does her Twinge streaming and overall gaming, “and where that usurping jackass, Zant, stole my Fused Shadow crown, broke the thing, and turned me into an imp!”

But it wasn’t all bad. Midna was very adorable and won over more fans. And she still managed to win the HPW Goddess Championship at that size. Granted, she lost the title at this size, too, but because it was “that sneaky Sorceress and her stupid sidekick.” But then she got back at Zant and won the title back at this size. Midna will make sure to retain at this size. “And I won’t rub it in how Zelda didn’t win that Triforce Championship to make this hashtag Winner Take All, I promise. … Oops.” But hey, Zelda got back up, shook it off and is coming for Midna’s title. Midna applauds that. “But if you think you’re taking the title from me because you ‘want to,’ you’re kidding yourself, girl.”

This is going to be the biggest match in the HPW Women’s Division yet, because Midna will win. And just because Zelda is stepping out from the shadow of her family name doesn’t mean this won’t be a major feather in Midna’s cap.

Zelda puts her hair up.

She’s going for a special Sheikah warrior hairstyle. It’s tricky to get the curl tight enough to tuck it into the bun. But she still has time to get it right before HyruleMania. She was more focused on her special ring gear for the event, as well as training for the event. “I was obviously a bit of a mess after losing to Ganondorf at Clash of Fates. Not just emotional, either. Afterwards, I realized just how much of that stupid gold body paint Ganondorf had got on my hands and face.” But Zelda really had a hard time motivating herself, or even facing Impa again. But Midna kinda forced her hand naming her as a contender to compete at the Biron Snowshelf event.

“Midna talks a lot, but she backs up her words. But, she also talks a lot.” Zelda knows this is a dream match for Midna, and it’s definitely up there for Zelda, but Zelda wouldn’t say this is a dream match for her. Zelda was curious to how it’d be to face tiny imp Midna, but facing Midna’s true form does make this a lot better. And she meant it when she said she was going to make Midna regret giving her a spot in the Fatal 4 Way. Great Fairy, Nabooru, Ashei, all of those would’ve been great choices for challengers, but Midna’s ego needed her to face the Princess of Hyrule. “Well, she’s facing the Princess of Hyrule. And she’ll lose to the Princess of Hyrule, too.”

The narration returns. “Two thrones but only one crown. Two warriors but only one winner. Who will be Hyrule’s goddess after giving it everything they have?”

A highlight reel of Treasure Island plays.

Though for the Hero of Kakariko, it feels more like a lowlight reel. The opening exchange, the German Suplex hat trick, Link’s Boomerang, Ganondorf’s Jackhammer, Ganondorf denying the Light Arrow to Air Raid Crash and a pop-up, sit-out Ganon Bomb. And worst of all, Ganondorf won the Triforce Championship. But then the real highlight reel was Clash of Fate’s Hyrule Warriors match. Link was the third entrant, so he started the match, and eliminated just three with Captain Bokoblin, Dreadfuse, and Gold Lynel, though that last one was with Osphala’s help. Then Link won it all after over 45 minutes total. Link’s grandma and sister are very proud of him, of course, as are many of his fans and friends home in Kakariko. Link’s also a big hit with kids and women all around Hyrule.

To train for HyruleMania, Link has had his friends within HPW. Rosso, Groose, Tingle and Skull Kid help Link with weights, cardio and getting in the ring. Tingle and Skull Kid are mostly just cornermen, though, providing the towel for sweat and water for hydration. They all feel Link is looking better than ever! From an interview recorded a few days ago, HPW’s Paya nervously asks how Link feels, but Groose answers for him, “He’s feeling awesome! He’s going to get revenge on Ganondorf! Why? Because he’s an honorary Studly Guy!” Tingle and Skull Kid agree with a hardy “YEAH!” Link has a look on his face that says, “Really?” But he shrugs, nods and gives a thumbs up to show he is feeling awesome.

Meanwhile, Ganondorf throws an awesome party.

Among the party guests are Agahnim, Zant, Yuga, King Bulblin and the Bulblin triplets. They drink up, crush the cans however they see fit, and Yuga turns them into a weird art piece… But there’s also dancing, splashing around in the pool, and a scuffle between a Daira and a Deku scrub. Ganondorf has those two break it up, but the Daira is really angry and starts getting in Ganondorf’s face. Ganondorf HEADBUTTS the Daira, brings him around and GANON BOMBS him, but into the pool. Daira sputters and splashes as Ganondorf tells him to cool off. The other party guests cheer and Ganondorf cracks open another can.

“It wasn’t always like this, you know. It’s not like I come from a huge family that was well off. Then there’s the fact the Gerudo Desert has brutal, scorching winds, even when it isn’t Summer. Plus, I don’t like sand. It’s coarse and rough and irritating, and it gets everywhere.” Not like like Cape Cresia, where they are. There, everything’s soft and smooth.

HPW’s Irene shows up and Ganondorf invites her to “join in on the festivities.” Irene politely declines, and wants to quickly interview him. Given this party going on, she questions whether or not Ganondorf is taking Link’s challenge serious. “First off, this is very rude of you to show up at my party and then sass me with your questions and criticisms. Secondly, I already trained my ass off the last month and a half just because I would for anyone.” Footage plays of Ganondorf lifting his own fair share of weights, running his own fair share of track, and even sparring with the Bulblin triplets. He quite literally threw one out of the ring onto the other two. Ganondorf says was going easy on them for King Bulblin’s sake.

Ganondorf reminds Irene that Link lost at Treasure Island. And that he only eliminated three people at Clash of Fates. Ganondorf thought Gold Lynel was going to get the win and then we’d all see a battle for the ages. “Maybe I should’ve invited Goldie to the party. Y’know what, I should’ve given him an exhibition match or something at Biron Snowshelf. Link had one, I should’ve done one, too, just so none of you armchair promoters could criticize me.” But whatever, fans hating on him are just the buzzing of flies to him. He’ll swat Link like a fly, too, and finally prove to us that he’s the rightful Triforce Champion, “and shut all you up, haha!”

The narration returns once more. “One wanting redemption. Another wanting validation. A challenger that once tasted gold, and a champion who never wants to stop. In the end, only one can be satisfied with victory. Will the Hero return to former glory? Or will he be trumped by the Gerudo Ace? The entire world finds out today, at the Celebration of Greatness, HyruleMania!”

My Thoughts:

I think I just turned Ganondorf into a memelord, with the lines he was using. He doesn’t like sand, the buzzing of flies, and I almost put “never gonna give it up” and/or “let it go” in that last paragraph. But get ready, because in just a short while, the HyruleMania “event” article goes live! WOO~!