Now this isn’t an April Fool’s joke, I have time and a small bit of intrigue, so I said why the hell not! I doubt much of this will play in to overarching IMPACT storylines, but we should get some pretty solid matches out of it.

Jay White & Chris Sabin, Eddie Edwards donning the mantle of NOAH against Tomohiro Ishii from NJPW and the biggest match is probably The Good Brothers versus The Briscoes. There’s other stuff of course, those were just the big ones off the top of my head!

Ratings:

• Ultimate X Division Championship Match: Trey Miguel (c) vs Jordynne Grace vs Chris Bey vs Blake Christian vs Vincent vs Rich Swann: Trey retains – *
• Matt Cardona & Chelsea Green vs Nick Aldis & Mickie James: Aldis & James win via Double Cloverleaves – ** ¼
• Alex Shelley vs Speedball Mike Bailey: Bailey wins via Inverted School Boy off the ropes – *** ¾
• Knockouts Tag Team Titles Fatal Four Way: Decay (Havok & Rosemary) vs The Influence (Madison Rayne & Tenille Dashwood) (c) vs Tasha Steelz & Savannah Evans vs Gisele Shaw & Lady Frost: The Influence retain via Tandem Driver – ** ½
• Eddie Edwards (NOAH) vs Tomohiro Ishii (NJPW): Ishii wins via Vertical Drop Brainbuster – *** ¾
• Josh Alexander & Jonah vs Moose & PCO: Josh wins via C4 Spike – ***
• Champ/Champ Challenge: Deonna Purrazzo (c) vs Faby Apache: Deonna retains via Fujiwara Armbar – *** ¼
• Jay White vs Chris Sabin: Sabin wins via Mousetrap Cover – ****
• The Good Brothers vs The Briscoes: Good Brothers win via Magic Killer – **

Results:

Ultimate X Division Championship Match: Trey Miguel (c) vs Jordynne Grace vs Chris Bey vs Blake Christian vs Vincent vs Rich Swann

Things start…in one of the dumbest ways I’ve ever seen. With everyone just heading to the corners, a few people get pushed but then there are four on the ropes. We get some general flailing to knock each other off, and then Cruiserweight style action. This was just a few high spots, signature moves and stupidity.

I hate the one spot Blake Christian did, it made no sense. They all got a few shots in, Blake knocked a few people off the apron and was the only one in the ring. Looks at the title, then looks at the group of people on the outside, and wants to jump on them instead of going for the belt uncontested. STUPID. There’s no anger, vengeance, or anything; beyond just wanting to do a dumb spot.

If it wasn’t for the women’s X match from Hard to Kill, this would be probably be the worst Ultimate X in IMPACT history. Trey is a bad wrestler, has no charisma, no defining look, and this was an insulting match. I’ve taken dumps that looks better than this.

Matt Cardona & Chelsea Green vs Nick Aldis & Mickie James

Mickie comes flying at Chelsea before the bell, the men try to pull off their wives a few times. Then Cardona tries to take a cheap shot at Aldis, Aldis blocks and we’re off to the races. Aldis has a decent amount of control, tags in Mickie to face Chelsea and the Cardona’s start to take over.

Matt takes a few cheap shots and even goes out of his way to impose his will on Mickie, since it’s intergender rules. Mickie eventually gets out of the corner, Mick Kick, Flapjack on Cardona and tags in Aldis. Aldis never tags out, but we see a lot of nearly tornado action.

Aldis locks in the King’s Lynn Cloverleaf, it looks like Chelsea is going to try and hit him with the NWA World Title, but the Mickie is late to the spot so commentary covers and says the referee noticed at the last second causing the pause. So an awkward pause into a double submission spot and the Cardona tap together. It was awkward, a little dumb and the botched finish made things look a bit lame.

Alex Shelley vs Speedball Mike Bailey

Early on things look to start respectful, but then Bailey uses his speed and athleticism to take a quick advantage. Shelley steps into where Bailey backflips over Shelley, and then starts lighting him up with repeated kicks. Shelley absorbs a bunch, powders, and then Bailey hits a Tope con Hilo and lands on his feet. Bailey keeps the advantage going back into the ring, perches but Shelley blocks and counters into an Avalanche Jaw Breaker.

This then unlocks the cocky swagger that Shelley occasionally goes into. He starts slowly picking Bailey apart, joint locks, head and leg catches into a modified DDT and just that confidence that Shelley obviously learned from his time under Nash back in the old days of TNA. Bailey starts a small comeback, hits a great Standing Shooting Star Press for the near fall, but when Shelley kicks out and Bailey tries to continue with a Buzzsaw kick, Shelly dodges and grounds Bailey into the Border City Stretch.

Bailey gets to the ropes, a little back and forth, Bailey tries an Apron version of Ultima Weapon, but misses. Shelley rocks Bailey and then tries to take the count out win, but Bailey breaks the count. Bailey kicks Shelley and Shelley no sells, takes off the elbow pad and gets pissed. Strike Exchange happens here Shelley tries to match the kicks with his own forearms, but the kicks start to win out, Buzzsaw kick, Double Knees to the gut, near fall.

Bailey goes for his Tornado Kick into the corner, but Shelley moves, turns it into a Shiranui for a near fall. Border City Stretch again, counters into a pinfall, kick out, then Shelley gets driven into the corner, Tornado Kick is landed, Ultima Weapon is missed, Shelley kicks him in the back of the head. Shelley goes for maybe a Blade Runner, but Bailey drives him back into the ropes inverted School Boy style, Shelley rolls through thinking he’ll do something, but Bailey stops on a dime and turns it into a pinfall attempt and wins with the flash pin!

Both men are shocked for different reasons, but we finally got a damn good match!

Knockouts Tag Team Titles Fatal Four Way: Decay (Havok & Rosemary) vs The Influence (Madison Rayne & Tenille Dashwood) (c) vs Tasha Steelz & Savannah Evans vs Gisele Shaw & Lady Frost

Well this shows us how light the Knockouts Division currently is. The fact that the current singles champion and the single #1 contender is in this match, as well as a “dysfunctional” team. I don’t expect The Influence to lose their titles, but I also don’t expect a good match.

This was a surprisingly more tolerable match than I expected. Rosemary and Tasha ended up focusing on one another at critical times, Shaw and Frost worked better together than expected, but of course the ‘throw together team’ eats the pinfall. Shaw and Frost try a Double High Flying move, maybe a double splash, but it gets interrupted, Shaw gets dropped by Madison and Tenille’s Tandem forward Driver and The Influence retain!

Tomohiro Ishii has arrived in the IMPACT Zone!

WATCH NOW: https://t.co/AtIaIwBdXc#MultiverseOfMatches #IMPACTWRESTLING pic.twitter.com/HNkFRPthOC

— IMPACT (@IMPACTWRESTLING) April 2, 2022

Eddie Edwards (NOAH) vs Tomohiro Ishii (NJPW)

Early on there is the usual spar with a quick tie up, a few shoulder tackles and Ishii eventually takes Eddie off his feet with the Rebound Shoulder Tackle. Eddie turns things around a little later, dumping Ishii out of the ring and then wiping out the Stone Pitbull with a Tope Suicida.

Eddie tries to keep his advantage on the outside, but Ishii turns things around after a reverse on the Irish Whip and then a Power Slam. Ishii tries a Piledriver on the Apron, but Eddie counters and hits the DDT on Ishii on the apron. Meticulously going at Ishii is how Eddie approaches the next few moments. They get back in, Eddie starts to chop Ishii and Ishii calls for more. So you can see Ishii firing a little in his usual “absorb the punishment” kind of way.

It takes a few shots, but Ishii counters the Suplex Attempt and then there’s punishment in the corner. Ishii hits Eddie a few times, Eddie turns it around for Kobashi style Machine Gun Chops, so Ishii turns that into Tenryu style Chop/Forearms. It’s not until Eddie catches Ishii coming off the ropes into more of a Popping Blue Thunder Bomb, instead of the normal type (Blue Thunder also being Jun Akiyama’s move, so there’s more Japanese influence). Tiger Driver attempt, but Ishii blocks. Eddie struggles, lands an Enzuigiri as he tries a Backpack Stunner, but Ishii slips out, shoves Eddie into the turnbuckles and there’s more back and forth. They just crash into each other, no sell Lariats and German Suplexes, then both crash exhausted after a small exchange.

They pull themselves up, Eddie goes in, Ishii gets angrier as he gets hit, the crowd chants “You Fucked Up” and Ishii drops Eddie with a big bomb. Ishii goes for his Sliding Lariat, Eddie counters lands unprotected knee strikes to Ishii’s head. The referee checks to make sure Ishii’s fine, and then a Tiger Driver gives Eddie the nearfall. Boston Knee Party attempt, but blocked by Eddie, Ishii hits his own Knee Party. Goes for the Vertical Drop Brainbuster, Eddie blocks and hits Knee Party! Eddie tries for the Diehard Driver, but Ishii slips out.

Another Knee Party, but Eddie can’t get his Driver, Ishii rocks Eddie and finally executes the Vertical Drop Brainbuster for the win!

Josh Alexander & Jonah vs Moose & PCO

Jonah and Josh decide to argue on who starts, so PCO makes the decision for them. He just mobs Josh, and then we see some solid brawling from the French Canadian Frankenstein, before josh starts to get control. Jonah tags himself in, then we get a short Monster Mash preview. Moose comes in and has an entertaining exchange where he runs off the ropes keeping his knees up like he’s running wind sprints into Jonah who isn’t budging in the center.

Jonah drops Moose, Josh tags himself in, Moose takes to the outside, a small chase until PCO lariats Josh mid chase. Moose then starts to dissect Josh a little, but of course Josh gets a moment to comeback. This becomes more of a fun spectacle after this point, where PCO and Moose have a lot of back and forth, and taking different opportunities to try and kill each other. Josh and Moose start hammering each other, and as soon as Moose looks to be in a bad spot, he powders and PCO tries to take advantage of things, but Jonah hits a big POUNCE on PCO. They focus on PCO, C4 Spike on PCO, and Josh wins!

Champ/Champ Challenge: Deonna Purrazzo (c) vs Faby Apache

So we know ROH crowned an “interim” Women’s Champion, so you had to figure this was going to be a Reina de Reinas championship match and its Faby Apache! Technically it’s a rematch from TripleMania 29.

The start off with a lot of jockeying for position, Takedown, Arm Drags, Leg Picks, just both women are looking for an angle. Deonna picks her spots a bit better early on and has Apache reeling until a Low Dropkick sends Deonna crashing face first into the turnbuckle. Faby utilizes a few strikes aimed at Deonna’s head and drives her face first into the turnbuckles again. Faby even locks in a Reverse Figure Four but Deonna manages to find the ropes, barely.

Faby keeps control until a near fall and crowd heckling distracts her, do Deonna really quickly tries the Fujiwara Armbar but Faby gets to the ropes. Faby goes for the Falcon Arrow, but Deonna kicks out. Faby tries to stay on the champ/champ but after some struggling for position, Deonna tries the Queen’s Gambit, Faby blocks, Faby goes for Falcon Arrow number two, but Deonna blocks and then Deonna manages to lock in the Fujiwara again with more torque so Faby submits.

As Deonna is calling out Mercedes Martinez as a paper champion, Taya Valkyrie’s music hits and she calls her shot for the Reina de Reinas title at Rebellion.

.@thetayavalkyrie is back in @IMPACTWRESTLING and will face @DeonnaPurrazzo at #Rebellion!?!

WATCH NOW: https://t.co/WGrSww2v9I#MultiverseOfMatches #IMPACTWRESTLING pic.twitter.com/ztMSxKOYUp

— IMPACT (@IMPACTWRESTLING) April 2, 2022

Jay White vs Chris Sabin

Sabin starts fast and White doesn’t recover for a while. Fast strikes, Jay powders, Chris follows but Jay slips through the ring to powder to the outside again and Chris hits the Tope Suicida and stays on him. Jay can’t get his footing, Chris ties him up in a reverse Koji Clutch and just rocks him until Sabin goes to the top rope, Jay crotches him and starts talking all that good shit.

At this point we get Jay’s turn to be in control, and it takes some big haymakers from Sabin to try and put the brakes on Jay’s offense. Sabin hits a DDT, Jay hits a DDT and they both take a beat. Sabin gets driven to the corner, but Sabin hits the Tornado DDT and it’s just trading some high impact moves. Jay with a Snap Suplex, Blade Buster, German Suplex and a Uranage, but Sabin kicks out. Sabin just won’t die, he fires with a few huge lariats, Jay snaps off the Sleeper Suplex and looks to end the match. Blade Runner attempt, Sabin turns it into a School Boy Roll-Up, but floats over even further on the legs Mouse Trap style and WINS! Jay eats his first pinfall loss in IMPACT!

I skipped a lot of spots, but really good match, great finish and definitely something to watch.

The Good Brothers vs The Briscoes

Early back and forth, Briscoes get the early momentum but The Good Brothers hold serve a bit longer after they getting their footing back. It takes a desperation tag from Jay to Mark for the Sussex County Chicken to fly in and clean house. Nice T-Bone Suplex into an Iconoclasm to give The Briscoes a nearfall.

LG finally slows things down, Karl hits the Spinebuster, a few tandem spots and then we get a Magic Killer set up, but the Briscoes break it up! They brawl back and forth, Jay gets busted back open from his earlier wounds, and then Mark is legal again and starts rolling. Pops through the Death Valley Driver, looks for maybe a little Froggy Bow or something from the top rope but Jay White runs down, the referee is distracted with Chris Bey, Jay shoves Mark, Good Brothers wipe out Jay and then a Magic Killer ends what could’ve been a dream match, but it’s so perfectly Bullet Club.

Overall Score: 7.15/10

So this was a weird show. It started with an awful match, the second match had a janky finish, and there were sound issues most of the show, and the finish to the main event makes you feel a little ripped off even though it makes full gimmick sense.

You know though, we had some nice surprises with Faby and Taya. Great matches from the MCMG guys and Eddie Edwards wrestled an Ishii style of match, so those are always enjoyable. The throw together men’s tag did what it needed to do, and wasn’t awful. The Knockouts tag was predictable and relatively useless, but not offensive.

My biggest curiosity from all this, is what’s the deal with The Briscoes? I know there’s the story of why AEW didn’t sign them, so I wonder if IMPACT is maybe looking into bringing them in. Aldis is basically the entire NWA brand, so I doubt he’ll do much with IMPACT and Ishii is around at least until Rebellion, but any of the ROH guys that jobbed out on Supercard and didn’t get picked up by AEW; I wonder if they’re on their way to the Owl?