Entertainment

Mitchell’s Hyrule Puro-Resu News Report! (12/30/23)

Dawn of the Second Day!

Published

1 year ago

December 30, 2023

Steven Mitchell

The following announcement has been paid for by the UnderWorld Order.

A computer types out the following.

TO: ARROW CLUB
SCUM OF THE EARTH
NOWHERE LAND 54321

And then a highlight reel plays, with the different times the uWo has beat up on Arrow Club: the Trios #1 Contender’s Gauntlet Match on March 17th, and Blood & Thunder 2 on May 5th. And all the while, on top of the match audio and the uWo theme song, the members of the uWo are talking trash. “Fin Balure…! The Young Ducks…! Arrow Club…! No one’s (No no no one’s) sweatin’ you~! Arrow Club…! HyruleMania will be your doom (your doom your doom) DOOM! The UnderWorld Order (UnderWorld Order O-O-O-Order) is-”

But then there’s a record scratch and the uWo’s video glitches and gives way to the Arrow Club logo. Fin Balure says, “UnderWorld freakin’ Order, get the freak outta here.” Mack Quackson asks, “Yeah, wasn’t there something about, uh, cheating?” Rick says, “Yeah, yeah. They had to scratch Scaly’s eyes and distract the ref for a cheap shot. UnderWorld Order? More like Underhanded Order.” Fin adds, “What kind of champions would do that? That’s not right.” Mack continues by pointing out how the next time was Blood & Thunder. They don’t wanna make excuses but c’mon, that’s all No Disqualifications. “This is going to be a straight-up, 3v3, may the best wrestlers win.”

The uWo cut back in. Death Sword says, “Oh you think you’re the best wrestlers? All because you’re popular and you get booked for stuff? Gimme a break.” Gomess says, “If you’re as good as you think you are, then why didn’t you win the gauntlet? Why didn’t you win Blood & Thunder? Why do you need a third third man to join you?” Scaldera laughs, then says, “How about you boys learn to shut the duck up? How are you even a team? You’re just a bunch of indie darlings that stuck together.” “Okay, if we’re going to question how a team is a team,” Mack says, “then what are you guys even bonded by? Being rejected Halloween decorations?”

“In the end,” Fin says, “this will be about who’s the best.” Death Sword says, “This will be about who outplays the other.” “This will be about coming together as a team,” The Ducks say. “This will be about who is championship material,” Scaldera says. Then in pairs–Death Sword and Fin, Gomess & Scaldera, Mack & Rick–they say “This!” “This!” “This!” and all six together, “will be about who’s just… too… SWEET~!”

The Gerudo Sisterhood has entered the chat.

Shabonne asks, “You boys forgetting something? Yeah, okay, we’re not in on the trios title match, and we could look back, whine and complain about why that is, but no, we’re not going to do that. The Gerudo Sisterhood looks to the future!” “SAO’TEN!” the others say together. Riju says, “Aveil will lead the way!” Buliara says, “Aveil will win the day!” Tali says, “Aveil will not stop!” Shabonne says, “Aveil will reach the top!” Aveil says, “Sarqso, sarqso. <Thank you, thank you.> Hollywood ReDead, your ego is so big, you had to get your boy, Beedle, make you a title that would then feed your ego to make it grow even more!” The group says, “That’s just sad.”

“But what’s going to be even sadder,” Aveil says, “is when I take that title from you, exposing you as a paper champion propped up by everyone else around you. From the wrestling reapers who took you in to Beedle the benefactor to even your four weird little girlfriends, you’re just one million rupees wasted on a bad investment.” The group all shakes their heads, and Shabonne even adds, “A crying shame, really.”

But the uWo is back with another “paid announcement.” This time, Hollywood ReDead is on screen with Beedle and the Poe Sisters. They’re all in nice business attire, with ReDead at the podium and the Million Rupee Championship sitting on it, and a uWo banner behind them. This is a mock press conference as the Poe Sisters all want to be called on by “Mr. Dead.” He calls on Beth, and she asks, “What are your thoughts on Aveil saying you are a paper champion?” ReDead says that’s insulting to his past opponents. Or, rather, opponent since it’s only been Donny B. Kool. “Could a paper champion beat the same person two different times? I don’t think so.”

Amy’s turn now, and she asks, “What have you been doing to prepare for this match?” ReDead has been clangin’ ‘n’ bangin’ to build up the 24 inch pythons, they might’ve even reached 25 inches by now. Joelle asks, “With the UnderWorld Order facing Arrow Club and you facing Aveil, who has her Sisterhood, what do you think the chances are of new champions being crowned at HyruleMania?” ReDead says, “Read my lips: No new champions!” Meg wraps by asking if he has any last words for his opponent at HyruleMania 4?

“Aveil, you may be a Desert Flower, but you have a snowball’s chance in Hell against me! And the only wasted investment here is all the hopes and dreams put on your shoulders weighing you down! HPW is of the UnderWorld Order, by the UnderWorld Order and for the UnderWorld Order!” ReDead then flexes and the Poe Sisters cheer.

The top factions in HPW are set to collide.

All dressed to the nines for HyruleMania press events, Arrow Club, the Gerudo Sisterhood and the UnderWorld Order walk red carpets and pose for photos. The uWo all hold gold right now, but will things drastically change after the Celebration of Greatness?

My Thoughts:

Another crammed hype special, but I really like how this turned out. Obviously I referenced as much as I could of NWO and Hogan, and poked some fun at real world political stuff, but I’m really proud of the “no new champions” line. These matches should also be a lot of fun with the history that can be called upon, even in just the four years I’ve been doing this.

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Related Topics:Dawn of the Second Day Entertainment Featured Featured Big HPW Hyrule Pro-Wrestling

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Chairshot Radio Network

MONDAY – Bandwagon Nerds (entertainment & popular culture)

TUESDAY – 4 Corners Podcast (sports)

WEDNESDAY – The Greg DeMarco Show (wrestling)

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FRIDAY – DWI Podcast (Drunk Wrestling Intellect)

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http://TheChairshot.com PRESENTS…IMMEDIATE POST WWE PLE REACTIONS w/ DJ(Mindless), Tunney(DWI) & Friends

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Your home for the hardest hitting podcasts… Sports, Entertainment and Sports Entertainment!

All Shows On Demand

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About Chairshot Radio Network

MONDAY - Bandwagon Nerds (entertainment & popular culture)

TUESDAY - Musical Chairs (music) / Hockey Talk (NHL)

WEDNESDAY - The Greg DeMarco Show (wrestling)

THURSDAY - Keeping the news ridiculous... The Oddity / Chairshot NFL (NFL)

FRIDAY - DWI Podcast (Drunk Wrestling Intellect)

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Attitude Of Aggression Podcast & The Big Five Project (chronologically exploring WWE's PPV/PLE history)

TheChairshot.com PRESENTS...IMMEDIATE POST WWE PLE REACTIONS w/ DJ(Mindless), Tunney(DWI) & Friends

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Let us know what you think on social media @ChairshotMedia and always remember to use the hashtag #UseYourHead!

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Launched in 2017, the Chairshot Radio Network presents you with the best in sports, entertainment, and sports entertainment. Wrestling and wrestling crossover podcasts + the most interesting content + the most engaging hosts = the most entertaining podcasts you’ll find! MONDAY – Bandwagon Nerds (entertainment & popular culture) TUESDAY – 4 Corners Podcast (sports) WEDNESDAY – The Greg DeMarco Show (wrestling) THURSDAY – POD is WAR FRIDAY – DWI Podcast (Drunk Wrestling Intellect) SATURDAY – The Mindless Wrestling Podcast SUNDAY – Keeping the news ridiculous… The Oddity / The Front and Center Sports Podcast CHAIRSHOT RADIO NETWORK PODCAST SPECIALS Attitude Of Aggression Podcast & The Big Five Project (chronologically exploring WWE’s PPV/PLE history) http://TheChairshot.com PRESENTS…IMMEDIATE POST WWE PLE REACTIONS w/ DJ(Mindless), Tunney(DWI) & Friends Patrick O’Dowd’s 5X5