Entertainment

Mitchell’s Hyrule Puro-Resu News Report! (12/31/23)

Dawn of the Final Day!

Published

1 year ago

December 31, 2023

Steven Mitchell

It’s almost time. Will history repeat itself?

Just moments away from the Celebration of Greatness, HPW takes a look at what’s coming for the Termina and Triforce Championships!

The hands of time cannot be stopped.

Everything moves forward with time. Everything moves forward in time. Time waits for no one. And if you are not careful, if you are not prepared, if you are not aware, time leaves you behind.

“Such was the story of TCW,” Ganon says. “But c’mon, you don’t need to hear all that again, right? They were Icarus, who flew too close to the sun with wax ‘n’ paper wings, then crashed ‘n’ burned. But hey, their legacy lives on, right? HPW thought it fitting to honor TCW by granting Igos du Ikana the honor of starting the lineage of this: the Termina Championship.” Ganon shows off the belt, making sure it catches the light. “The iconic belt was basically brought back from the dead,” Ganon continues. “The only real change was adding the HPW logo to it.” Ganon points to the silver seal stamped near the top.

“With HPW establishing the Termina Championship, it even resurrected Igos’ career,” Ganon says. Ganon beat Igos to get his shot at the HPW Triforce Championship, which Ganon won. Igos then beat Ghirahim to establish the HPW Termina title, and beat Osphala at the original HyruleMania. Oh but then Igos lost in the rematch! Ganon laughs at that, and says it’s because Osphala ended up such a forgetful champion anyway. And after that, Igos floundered around. Which is also funny, because he failed to defeat Fin Balure for the title while Ganon succeeded. “Honestly, I’m not even sure why I’m accepting this challenge.

“Oh, that’s right. Igos friggin’ kicked me in the side of the head at Clash of Fates! That bag o’ bones thinks he can just pull the oldest magic trick in pro-wrestling, with the lights goin’ down, comin’ back up, and surprise~! He’s there! And then he takes a cheap shot to try and humiliate me? Well now I’m gonna humiliate him in return! I’m going to make sure his time runs out, once and for all!”

A clock ticks forward.

From the shadows, Igos du Ikana steps forward. “I’m sorry, Ganon, but I think you’re mistaken. Magic trick? Cheap shot? Humiliation? That’s not what I was doing at all. That kick at Clash of Fates was your wake-up call. I was sounding an alarm. Did you defeat Fin Balure when I could not? Yes, you did. Did you defeat the cyclops known as Hinox? Yes, you did. And did you defeat TCW legends along the way? Yes, once again, you did. But what about any of that makes you untouchable? What about that means this gets any easier? I thought you of all people knew nothing lasts forever. Not even a title reign.”

Highlights of Igos losing to Osphala and Fin intermingle with highlights of Ganon losing to Link, while that clock from earlier spins out of control. Then the voices of Igos and Ganon overlap with additional warping as they say, “Those who do not learn history are doomed to repeat it.” The chaotic highlight reel ends with that Elegy of Emptiness heel kick at Clash of Fates, and then it all goes black. Then in all white, the HyruleMania logo fades into view, and there’s a digital clock counting down to the start of HyruleMania 4. Whose time runs out when the clock strikes twelve?

The video pauses, then stops.

The screen goes blue, and the sound of a VHS cassette tape being ejected can be heard. Then the sound of a cassette tape being put in, and a new video starts up. It’s a young Hylian couple in the hospital. They’re incredibly happy, tears of joy streaming down their faces. The wife just gave birth and the husband helps her hold their twin baby boys. The video then cuts to the happy couple having their boys home for the first time, putting them in their cribs. “Good night, Link,” the mother says sweetly. “Good night-” The audio gets really bad here for some reason. Then a dark filter goes over the footage as “The duality of destiny is like a razor’s edge” appears in scratchy lettering.

Then there’s cut-together pieces of HPW: Deep Dive from last year, Just Like You by Three Days Grace playing in the background. Kage’s highlight reel rise to the HPW Triforce Championship, the draw at Clash of Fates 2, the Triple Threat that helped him win the title, and then pieces from Link’s message to Kage and Kage’s response. Specifically, it lines up Link saying “as my enemy” and Kage saying, “as your enemy.” Then cut to their Blood Match for the title at Clash of Fates 3. “Seems growing up with our parents made you soft.” And then Link snaps and beats Kage down. However, Kage would score both the moral victory as well as the literal.

There’s another highlight reel bringing us to where we are now. Kage stands at 18 months and 20 days, the longest reign as HPW Triforce Champion, only trumped by Zelda’s reign as HPW Goddess Champion being a full two years. Link is the only two-time Triforce Champion, a former Mr. Eventide and a two-time Hyrule Warriors match winner. But this literal blood feud is about far more than the title. Aryll watches Link train, a look of worry on her face. Kage trains alone in solitude. We flash back to them as babies wrapped in blankets in their mother’s arms. Both men stop to catch their breath, then hydrate and cool off. They’re mirror images of each other.

They may be brothers, but that is only in DNA. There is no love lost for the men they have become. “The duality of destiny is like a razor’s edge” returns again. If that is the case, who gets cut down by the other in this fated main event battle to end the year?

My Thoughts:

This one I really like. These weren’t as lengthy as previous “Deep Dive” segments, but I feel like Ganon and Igos have the right intensity, and I like the visuals in relating Link and Kage. Now I just hope the matches live up to the hype…

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Entertainment

Mitchell’s Hyrule Puro-Resu News Report! (4/10/25)

It’s gonna be May!

Published

1 week ago

April 10, 2025

Steven Mitchell

There’s been a slight change in the forecast…

There may not be a storm on the horizon, but when Wrestling Is Life, every day is unpredictable! What does HPW have planned for May Day?

HPW prepares for the storm ahead…

Blood & Thunder still beckons, and the Faces of Evil need to defend their HPW World Trios Championships. Therefore, Wrestling Is Life will see two qualifying trios matches! After the controversial nature of losing the titles at HyruleMania, Arrow Club is given a spot in these qualifiers. And they will be facing familiar foes in TSDQ! The Studly Don’t Quit, but will they make it through to ThunderStruck? As for the second qualifier, Los Taros Locos will return in hopes of stampeding up to the top of HPW, but they’ll be up against quite the mysterious team. Cia represents the OG Dark Forces expelled from the group, and she’ll bring her sister, Lana, with her!

But who is their third partner? They didn’t name them, so who could it be? Volga? Kevin Gibdo? Or even Wizzro? Will keeping it an unknown be the key to winning?

Igos du Ikana speaks.

From inside his shadowy throne room, The Ruler of Ruin looks at the HPW Death Mountain Championship on a pedestal. “The HPW Death Mountain Championship. A championship created not just to commemorate one of Hyrule’s greatest landmarks, but also to commemorate one of Hyrule’s greatest wrestling promotions. Death Mountain Wrestling was a vital part of wrestling history, where legends would pave the way for a new generation, and inspire many more. Not unlike Termina Championship Wrestling.”

Igos walks past the pedestal to look to a trophy case. Igos looks to his copy of the classic TCW Championship, and even of the High Noon Championship. There are also poster sized pictures of Igos’ greatest moments, such as the first time he won the TCW title, and the last time he held it while TCW was still active. Igos continues by saying, “I say this not because you don’t know. Of course you know this. I say this so that you might understand. I say this because I need you to understand. You have great aspirations, and strong ambition, but I don’t think you understand what you’re attempting to achieve.

“You stand at the foot of a mountain, it’s shadow upon you. That mountain’s name is legacy. You want to climb the mountain. You want to reach the top and plant your own flag at the summit. You want everyone to see you, to look up to you, to acknowledge you. But this climb is more challenging than you know. This climb is more challenging than you can handle. These belts may only be ten pounds, but they weigh so much more once you put them on. You are not ready for the climb. You are not ready to carry that weight. You are not ready to push yourself, step after step, inch after inch, as the mountain only grows steeper and steeper. And you never will be.

“So I tell you this not because you do not know. I tell you this so that you may understand. You must turn back now, find another path forward, before it is too late. Before you fall… to ruin.” It is clear who this message is for, but will young Yunobo heed this grizzled warrior’s warning?

HPW Deep Dive: Wisdom VS Power.

The Princess of Hyrule visits Hero of Hyrule, Link, now that he’s home from the hospital. He still needs bed rest, given everything Ganon did to him. He has bandages around his head, and his sister, Aryll, checks his stitches. 13 stitches all along the hairline. They’re holding well, no bleeding. Zelda sits with Link and holds his hand. She apologizes for what happened, but Link shakes his head. Aryll agrees, Zelda’s not to blame, Ganon and his Dark Forces are. They ruined her moment, they beat Link down, so they they have to be stopped. Ganon’s coming after the title anyway, so Zelda can get payback at the same time.

Ganon says, “Like I give a damn.” The Gerudo Ace lounges in his manor, The Dark Forces all around him. That now includes Shabonne & Tali, sporting new ensembles to reflect joining up. The Faces of Evil have their HPW World Trios Championships while Ganon has the Triforce Tournament trophy in hand. Ganon then mockingly says, “YoU dEsErVe It~! YoU dEsErVe It~!” Audio from the Triforce Anniversary event is interspliced here, as well as flashes of Zelda being emotional as she has the title belt put on.

“Isn’t it strange that Zelda takes the fall at HyruleMania, but I’m the one relegated to the tournament? And she clearly has that pointy eared little simp wrapped around her finger, or else he wouldn’t have even agreed to the match. But hey, what do I know? I only beat Link one-on-one in his first defense, then beat Zelda one-on-one in my first defense. I’m the Triple Crown Champion, I beat legends of TCW, and I’m this year’s Triforce Tournament winner. No one is more deserving of that title, of whatever title there is, than me! Isn’t that right?” The group all say, “Yeah!”

Ganon says, “The Dark Forces will be golden!” The group again shouts, “Yeah!” Ganon says, “The Dark Forces RUNS HPW!” The group again shouts, “YEAH!!” The Dark Forces all raise a glass to drink it up, while Link rests his head on Zelda’s shoulder and she rests her head on his. The Princess of Hyrule may reign, but will she fail to trump the Gerudo Ace? The countdown is on until May 1st, when Wrestling is Life!