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CheapShots: Impact Quickie #3

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EC3 Impact Feast or Fired
Cheap Shots are unfiltered, uncensored opinions, and those opinions reflect only the author!

Due to the consistent comedic nature of Anthem and Impact Wrestling, the framework of most of my articles on the subject will be an homage and a parody of Comedy Central’s Mystery Science Theatre 3000. This is not meant to infringe on intellectual or creative property of Comedy Central or the creators of Mystery Science Theatre 3000.

Mad Man staying planted once again. Yay, I get to bring my friends out of deep freeze and make fun of a Dallas production company that pretends to be a pillar of this circus we call professional wrestling. I will cue the calliope and my boys after the first segment. Austin Aries certainly has a justifiable and respectable ego related to the art form. His pending opposition on the other hand? As progressive as these big tops claim to be, why is this the kind of territorial flashback patrons are stuck with? Fans in Orlando are more like sheep than any of Vince’s mindless zombies. Why is this cockroach allowed to perform anywhere in The United States? Let Mexico or Japan deal with the headache that is this man. As a matter of conscience, I will not report on any of his matches or promos.

As I boot up AI Hercules and PC Little Dragon, we see Caleb Konley accompanying Trevor Lee to the ring for a singles match with a Philippine Big Man called Fallah Bahh. PC Little Dragon asks: “Wasn’t he in an international tag team?” I nod in confirmation. Though, I cannot remember any result/feud of consequence, nor when he was turned baby face. Either way, writers clearly don’t respect the character. He is a foreign giant with child-like mannerisms. After heel tactics outside the ring failed thanks to Bahh’s size, he dragged both cruiserweights into the ring and squashed them with a rolling splash. The big man gave Lee a Samoan Drop but forgot ring positioning and didn’t get the pin. He went for a corner splash. Lee moved and enabled Konley; who isn’t 50lbs heavier than me, to knock a 400lb man off balance with one backhand, this gave Lee the win with a schoolboy. That friends, is textbook professional wrestling logic.

Speaking of which. We then see grainy video of the Ohio Funhouse Trio stalking the wife of Eddie Edwards, who left The Impact Zone once he “saw” her in danger on a monitor. They dragged this storyline throughout the show. Eddie got to Alicia to find her unharmed. Edwards was correctly paranoid, frantically searching the hotel room. The sleep-inducing plot was not advanced until Eddie Edwards bumped into The Next Wannabe Mick Foley in drag. I’m begging indie sheep nationwide not to go see this dork. The perfectly placed maid started a fracas that will drag out for weeks, YAWN!

As much as some of us laugh at Impact for feeling animated, they make an outstanding effort to expose the audience to international talent that most of us wouldn’t normally see. Next match falls into that category when Double-Champion Matt Sydal takes on subcontinental cruiserweight Rohit Raju. The Cartoon Alert surrounding this even contest; which Sydal won with a Shooting Star Press, enveloped proceedings when Josh Matthews went to the ring with him. Turns out, the heelish commentator is Sydal’s Spiritual Advisor. Why not gift the tool The Impact Grand Championship? Hey Prichard, why do you think Impact has enough viewership to absorb making this goof the center of a storyline again? Just curious, I’m a simple mark with a mechanical ass.

This episode centered around “last week’s” Feast or Fired Match. PCLD asks the obvious question: “Isn’t this match kinda odd because we know who isn’t working there anymore? My friend, welcome to the joys of taping your version of the art form weeks behind The Twitter Age. The concept itself would be brilliant for a company on solid ground. Each participant holding a briefcase was interviewed backstage. Typical wrestling promos, each optimistic regarding content of their cases. Of course, me and AI Hercules smirk simultaneously because one of these gentlemen had to be wrong. At least those in creative displayed a sense of humor about such importance. Ethan Carter III was the only one harassed by other talent throughout his diatribe. AI Hercules said: ”If you can’t laugh at yourself. Who can you laugh at?” Moose, Petey Williams, and Eli Drake were the others holding contraband. None of them took a Drill Claw from Brian Cage after assaulting Jeremy Borash. PCLD: ”That’s what happens when you each take a job with a bigger circus.”

Wrestling concluded for this weeks Impact when Knockouts Champion Allie takes on long-time rival Sienna. The Champion had to make a comeback to get the clean win with a superkick. After the bell, Braxton Sutter comes out. In Stereo: “It’s Mister Scrambled Brains!” Dude cuts the same promo he tried to use with Laurel Van Ness two weeks ago while intentionally screwing it up. AI Hercules shrugs, asking: “Other than desperation, why is he doing that?” Rather quickly, we found out. The second insane bride in Impact history runs in to attack Allie from behind. Su Yung happens to be faking death in a wedding dress. She has a nasty spike airplane spin finisher. PCLD turns slowly toward me: “Doesn’t one of your sisters have a dead gimmick?”

I respond, “Yes Little Dragon, and if she wants one Holidead can certainly provide this knockoff with a fight.”

Competition concluded for the week with A Monster’s Ball Match which is a rip-off of everything Mick Foley did. Jimmy Jacobs and his toy have been pestering Abyss to come play. Rewind a week and Father James Mitchell, who was Abyss’ heel manager; and a very good one, was drawn out to say Kongo’s weekly prodding had been heard. If you poke the bear enough, eventually he will wake up. Despite Mitchell’s appearance as an aged Gary Hart, Kong and Jacobs went over when Abyss took a top rope splash on a barbed wire table. It’s official, Impact has a new monster. I turn to my computerized companions and say, “One redeeming quality of the art form is the fact that nothing is permanent.” Despite some over used mechanisms, my boys and I think this was a solid show.

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MadMan: She’s Handing Out Blues Better Than A Namesake Will

Madman decided to follow his blue dragon back towards the titans! Let’s see what black magic he weaves in this edition.

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Madman decided to follow his blue dragon back towards the titans! Let’s see what black magic he weaves in this edition.

I may not be in regular rotation, but when they give me a chair, I swing for my fences. As a decades-long consumer of the art, I don’t have many left. The only Home Runs WWE has placed within my scope, can be found in Women’s Division on both Monday Night Raw & SmackDown Live.

The year I began watching wrestling, some very interesting circumstances took place surrounding cable television. WTBS; (Atlanta), WAS the home of The NWA’s Jim Crockett Promotions. At least until “Black Saturday,” which ultimately saw Vinnie Jr. Hijack the famous 6:05 time slot. This nearly cause riots among cable viewers opposed to McMahon’s product and presentation.

Though the million dollar ransom The Crocketts paid to get their flagship spot back on the dial gave the head of Titan Sports the backbone to finance WrestleMania, which helped to wreck most of the territories. Hell, it can be argued somewhat convincingly upon its 30th Anniversary, Vince himself ruined his biggest display’s pristine intentions for two consecutive years with Lesnar beating the streak instead of Bray Wyatt; and, Sting losing his ONLY Mania match because someone else had the right bride on their marriage license.

Despite the objections of both smarks and sheep in certain cases, we must respect the history of this pop culture institution. IF WrestleMania is Woodstock, it is only appropriate that Tito Santana opened the show with a victory!

In recent years, there has been only one person on The Main Roster who has matched the swag of Santana’s initial accomplishment without even trying, and she wrestled in the last Mania Match I cared about. Finally got tired of giving fans The Blues. She’s ready to deal some out in the form of steel chairs and God knows what else.

“Cut Her talent LOOSE!” We kept screaming. “A REAL run with Gold, PLEASE?” Like a kid aching just before Christmas. As with Solis, she was a true pro, until the strangest thing I’ve ever seen in the modern art form washed over us.

Fans and insiders alike FORGOT about Social Media! Don’t get me wrong, it’s still here. Can’t get away from it. Hell, I’m doing a roll-in on the internet right now! If you’ve been fans of us long enough, you’ll realize that last sentence was not a botch! Seriously, this thing felt like the territories back in the day. No one knew a damn thing! Even some of those paid to know were flipping a coin every five minutes. Thanks for the constant stress, you ancient prick!

Come on folks. If you know my current wrestling HEART at all, you KNEW the last Chair Shot on her return was coming from her Super Mark in Middle America! When older dudes at this circus describe what true fandom is like; they’ll often say: “That’s bulls***, that’s bulls***, that’s bulls***, BUT THAT’S REAL!”

For her boatloads of fans and the woman herself, Christmas is here! The Stamford’s latest Blues enthusiast is very real, And WWE’s Black Magic Woman IS BACK! Line ’em up. they’re all falling. Charlotte & Ronda too. To The Man and those in charge of her Twitter Account, thanks for keeping the possibility top of mind when things first got weird. We never gave up, but you will! MISSED YOU LADY BANKS!

Chairshot Radio Network

Launched in 2017, the Chairshot Radio Network presents you with the best in sports, entertainment, and sports entertainment. Wrestling and wrestling crossover podcasts + the most interesting content + the most engaging hosts = the most entertaining podcasts you’ll find!

 MONDAY - Bandwagon Nerds (entertainment & popular culture)

TUESDAY - 4 Corners Podcast (sports)

WEDNESDAY - The Greg DeMarco Show (wrestling) 

THURSDAY - Nefarious Means

FRIDAY - DWI Podcast (Drunk Wrestling Intellect)

SATURDAY - The Mindless Wrestling Podcast

SUNDAY - 30 Mindless Minutes

CHAIRSHOT RADIO NETWORK PODCAST SPECIALS

Attitude Of Aggression Podcast: The Big Five Project (chronologically exploring WWE's PPV/PLE history) Unidentified History (Ufology) & Game Gone Wrong (Game of Thrones Universe)


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Fake News

Rob: Ronda Rousey & The Makings Of A Wrestling Newz Story

RONDA IS NEWZ!

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WWE Ronda Rousey UFC Championship

Ronda Rousey dominates headlines on the Road To WrestlMania, making her the perfect example for Rob to use for Wrestling Newz!

This is a continuation of what I started on last week in regards to wrestling media.  You might want to, in fact you should, go check that out first.  But instead of just hitting the media at large it’s time to drill down a bit and see how some of this stuff takes shape.  These stories don’t get clicked on and believed by so many people just out of whole cloth, they take weeks and months and sometimes years of narratives being laid down first in order to make the premise believable in the first place.

Remember, the three rules for publishing NEWZ stories:

  1. It’s plausible (translation: circumstances exist that make it possible, and it confirms an existing opinion)
  2. Can you walk it back easy if it ends up false (‘plans changed’)
  3. Will people click on it?  (if #1 is a yes, and the names are big enough then this is a yes, too)

A quick example that I mentioned previously was the ‘Lacey Evans getting a top level push after Ronda Rousey leaves’ story.  The story itself ended up just being Meltzer giving his opinion and not even leaked info from a source, but it relied on a long standing narrative about the WWE creative team, particularly Vince’s preferences.  Lacey is blond, and it’s been a long held belief that Vince loves his blond women so there you go (that’s not false, but there are some layers and nuances to it that we never get into).  Also, the way Lacey portrays her character (super conservative and a throwback to the Mad Men era) on social media irritates a lot of so called smart fans, which supposedly is something Vince loves doing.  That’s it.  Seriously, the plausibility of the story all lies in Lacey being blond, evoking thoughts of every blond woman Vince has pushed from Trish Stratus to Charlotte Flair and Alexa Bliss, and because she pisses off a section of Wrestling Twitter so Vince might do it just to get to us.  There is literally no other there there.

Now not all NEWZ stories end up false but even when they’re true the intent wasn’t to inform you, it was to get you to click on the link and share it (Hate shares count as much for the click numbers as love shares, btw.  Don’t help people whose work you hate by sharing it.)

Which brings us to the real subject of this piece: Ronda Rousey’s speculated departure from WWE after WrestleMania.  It has become almost gospel truth that Ronda is gone after the biggest show of the year, maybe for good, because she wants to start a family (and now also because she can’t hack it in the world of wrestling).  Meltzer has weighed in and there are multiple pieces that simply copied and pasted or transcribed his words along with dubious headlines.  Now before you say ‘yeah, she is leaving’ ask yourself where you got the idea from.  Was it from someone stating it as fact, just giving their opinion, or one of those ‘WWE is preparing for the possibility that Ronda might leave’ stories?  And how did so many of us end up thinking so quickly and strongly that come the Monday after WrestleMania 35 she’s outta here?  The story was built on a few blocks and because a big house of confirmation bias.  Here they are:

Ronda Rousey is an outsider who doesn’t really want to be here anyway

This essentially comes from Ronda being an MMA legend, which invokes bad thoughts of Brock Lesnar his big paycheck/small schedule agreement.  That’s it.  Ronda left MMA after losing and didn’t do much afterwards, and she’s made a ton of money already, so this clearly has to just be a big score…..right?  She didn’t toil in the indies, didn’t even do a stint in NXT, and since she wasn’t willing to pay her dues (that sound you just heard was me throwing up) it’s obvious that she doesn’t really care for it………sure, buddy, whatever you think.  Nevermind all the evidence we’ve seen to the contrary.

Ronda Rousey can’t handle the road

A video clip surfaced a few months back of Ronda lamenting life on the road in the WWE.  Now it probably isn’t much different from what many newbies and veterans of the business have said to their families but hey, let’s take this out for a ride because it supports point number one.

Ronda Rousey is losing at WrestleMania

We got no proof of this but we do know that the original plan was for her to face Charlotte one on one (with Charlotte probably winning), we know that Becky Lynch has become the hot act over the last six months, and we know that Ronda hasn’t lost yet so WrestleMania seems like the right time to do it.  That’s it.  I explained my rationale for each woman winning that match here, and in my opinion there’s plenty of logic for Ronda winning.  But so far a lot of us have assumed she isn’t because she just has to lose here, right?  Which leads to the next brick:

Ronda Rousey can’t take losing

She didn’t handle losing well in MMA, so she obviously isn’t going to like losing in WWE and she’ll want to take her ball and go home.  There is no evidence to back this up but it sure sounds good.

Ronda Rousey is freaking out because of the crowd noise and the Tweeting from Becky

Ronda isn’t great at promos, the crowds are booing her more now because she’s facing Becky, and she’s fired off some far out responses to Becky’s twitter jabs that suggest maybe the ribbing is getting to her.  So she must clearly be having some kind of emotional meltdown that is souring her on the world of pro wrestling.  Again we have don’t have any confirmed facts as to her true emotional state (for all we know it’s a work that’s gone a little off the rails) but it sure feels good to type that she just can’t handle the banter.


Now we have the proverbial feedback loop.  We think Ronda doesn’t love the business, she hates the road, she wants to start a family, we just know she’s losing at WrestleMania, she doesn’t handle losing well at all, and now she can’t handle the ribbing.    Each one of these things feeds into the others, and if you were a Ronda skeptic from day one or you just don’t like her for other reasons then each one of these things is very easy to believe individually, as it’s consequently very easy to put them together into one big ball of what is sure to happen.  Remember always that the way NEWZ works, be it in wrestling media, other forms of entertainment, and even politics is that they bait you with things you want to be true based on what you already have come to believe.  If you believe wrestler X is a jerk then everything that backs it up is believable no matter how flimsy the evidence.  Here we have a bunch of ‘truths’ based on little real information that feed into what a lot of people already thought, and now we have one big ‘truth’ that we just know to be true.

Of course if Ronda wins at WrestleMania, loses some time later, and sticks around for the rest of her contract then the vaunted wrestling media can just give us the tried and true explanation for everything that doesn’t pan out the way they led us to think it would:

Plans changed.

Chairshot Radio Network

Launched in 2017, the Chairshot Radio Network presents you with the best in sports, entertainment, and sports entertainment. Wrestling and wrestling crossover podcasts + the most interesting content + the most engaging hosts = the most entertaining podcasts you’ll find!

 MONDAY - Bandwagon Nerds (entertainment & popular culture)

TUESDAY - 4 Corners Podcast (sports)

WEDNESDAY - The Greg DeMarco Show (wrestling) 

THURSDAY - Nefarious Means

FRIDAY - DWI Podcast (Drunk Wrestling Intellect)

SATURDAY - The Mindless Wrestling Podcast

SUNDAY - 30 Mindless Minutes

CHAIRSHOT RADIO NETWORK PODCAST SPECIALS

Attitude Of Aggression Podcast: The Big Five Project (chronologically exploring WWE's PPV/PLE history) Unidentified History (Ufology) & Game Gone Wrong (Game of Thrones Universe)


Chairshot Radio Network Your home for the hardest hitting podcasts... Sports, Entertainment and Sports Entertainment!

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Let us know what you think on social media @ChairshotMedia and always remember to use the hashtag #UseYourHead!
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