No, no, I said… ARE! YOU! READYYYY!?

It’s the Raw Season Premiere, and WWE celebrates 25 YEARS of Degeneration X! Plus, The Tribal Chief leads his Bloodline as he prepares to SMASH Logan Paul at Crown Jewel!

OFFICIAL RESULTS

• Johnny Gargano VS Austin Theory; Gargano wins.
• Rey Mysterio VS Chad Gable w/ Otis; Rey wins.
• Bayley VS Candice LeRae; Candice wins.
• 2v1 Handicap: Omos w/ MVP VS Robert Adams & Joseph Torres; Omos wins.
• WWE United States Championship: Bobby Lashley VS Seth Rollins; Rollins wins and becomes the new WWE United States Champion.
• Sami Zayn w/ The Usos VS Matt Riddle; Riddle wins.

PLAY BY PLAY

Degeneration X talks backstage.

HBK is with Road Dogg and X-Pac, and he asks them, “Are you ready?” Road Dogg is ready, is X-Pac ready? Yeah, X-Pac is ready. But the big question, is HHH ready? Oh, whoa, hold on. He gets off gorilla and says this isn’t just their 25th anniversary, but the season premiere of Raw. They can’t do their stuff anymore, this is about the sponsors and the business. They can go have fun, but no cussing, no genital jokes- PENIS! Can they say that? That’s what HHH means! Yeah, wtf, man? Bro! C’mon! HBK says HHH knows how this is gonna go. Sh*t’s gonna go down, it’s gonna get effin crazy! Enjoy it right the F now! Alright, alright! Just don’t F up.

HBK says he sees four cocks! They’re just chickens. HHH says we can’t do that anymore! Who put those there? Just grab a cock and- Nevermind, let’s go. Hey! No fighting! Damn it. HHH stops choking the chicken as he slams it, but will DX be okay without him out there with them?

The Bloodline is here!

To be fair, they were here last week. But this time, because it’s the Raw Season Premiere, they’re led by the Tribal Chief, the Head of the Table, the Undisputed WWE Universal Heavyweight Champion, Roman Reigns! Roman and the Usos hold up the belts for the pyro and then the Bloodline continues to the ring. They then set up again, lifting the belts for the second round of pyro. Sami Zayn jams out to the theme song as Paul Heyman gets the mic. Fans boo Roman then chant for the Honorary Uce, but Heyman hands the mic to Roman. “Brooklyn, New York! ACKNOWLEDGE ME!” Fans do indeed cheer, but there are still some boos.

Roman says when the fans respond like that, he can’t lie, he has to be honest. Roman likes moving forward. When you’re the Greatest Of All Time, he’s looking to next week, he doesn’t live in the past. But Roman can’t get past last Friday for some reason. That brings Roman to something his father taught him a long time ago. Roman was taught “that the loudest in the room is also the weakest in the room.” So in his mind, if you’re the weakest, and you’re part of The Bloodline, then you’re just a fool. “Jey. Are you a fool?” Roman looks at Jey, who did shoot his mouth off at Logan Paul last week. Roman says they’ve done this a few times already, but-

Sami Zayn steps in! He hates to interrupt but… Heyman is furious! How can Sami interrupt the Tribal Chief?! But the fans are fired up, and Roman has Heyman stand down. Heyman apologizes and Sami continues. “It’s just that on Friday, you said that Jey Uso wasn’t your problem anymore, but that he’s my problem now. So as maybe the Honorary Uce, I’d love the opportunity to handle this whole situation.” Roman considers it, and smiles. Sami really is the Honorary Uce! He’s all yours, Sami, go ahead. Well okay! Roman steps aside and fans cheer Sami on as he looks at Jey. Here’s the thing, buddy. First off, we all love you. This is your family.

But the Tribal Chief and Sami were talking the other night, spit-balling about the future direction of the Bloodline, just some ideas. A really good talk, too, actually. They got into some personal stuff, Sami feels they connected. But anyway, that’s not important. The thing is, they feel Jey’s behavior lately, “Just hasn’t been very Uce-y.” What? Fans chant, “UCEY! UCEY!” Sami wants Jey to hear him out. Take a look around! Look at Jimmy! Who doesn’t love Jimmy? Fans cheer as Sami and Jimmy do the handshake! Look at that smile! And Solo! Look at him! Fans cheer for the Enforcer. He’s built like a brickhouse, looks all serious, but we all know he’s cool.

Sami says that’s kinda what he’s getting at. We’re all pretty cool, actually. So they just need Jey “to be cool.” Can he be cool? Jey looks at Roman and Roman says, “Don’t look at me.” But Jey still address Roman, “This is a joke, right?” Is this a rib? They’re family, Uce. Ain’t no way they can let Sami come here and tell Jey what to do! Sami says he hates to be this guy, but- “Bro…” Matt Riddle is headed out here? Riddle has a mic to say, “Why you guys talking about last Friday? You guys should be talking about this past Saturday, when I not only beat Seth Rollins, I tapped him out in the Fight Pit, bro!”

And Roman, Riddle knows he got beat before and there’s that stipulation where he can’t challenge for the title, but c’mon! One more time for New York! Let’s go! Brooklyn likes the sound of that! “BRO! BRO! BRO!” Roman and Heyman talk it over but Riddle says the people want it. Roman asks, “Brooklyn, should we give him one more chance tonight?” “YES!” Roman says, “Nah…!” A deal is a deal, bro! Get to the back of the line and stay there! Well then, if Roman’s not gonna step up to the plate, maybe one of his Bloodline bros will! Fans cheer for Sami here, and Jey agrees! Step up, Honorary Uce! Ain’t he the number 2 now? Step up! YEET!

Sami says yeah, yeet. He’ll yeet, dawg. Sami tells Riddle, “What is this? Do you think you’re funny or something?” “YEET.” Well okay, haha. But let’s explain something to Riddle. Riddle doesn’t say “Yeet.” THEY say YEET! YEET IS BLOODLINE! That’s their thing! Solo, Jey, Jimmy, Roman, uh… Yes, Heyman, too! And Sami! They can say YEET, but Sami doesn’t wanna hear Riddle ever say it again! Got it? Fans chant “YEET! YEET!” and Riddle says, “YEET.” Jey says that’s disrespect! What’s Sami gonna do? Is he gonna handle business? YES! He will! Sami says if Riddle wants ot run his mouth, then they can go 1v1 here tonight! Fans like the sound of that!

So what’s the tough guy gotta say about that?! “I accept. YEET!” Riddle still gets a fight with The Bloodline, but not quite the one he wanted. Will Riddle keep the momentum going from Extreme Rules? Or will the Honorary Uce handle his business and kick Riddle to the back of the back of the line?

Johnny Gargano VS Austin Theory!

Johnny Wrestling once showed the “Real Superstar” the way in the WWE, but the influence of a certain chairman inflated the ego of the now Youngest Mr. Money in the Bank Ever. Will Gargano humble his former protégé and once again show him the way? Or will the student become the master?

The bell rings and Theory rushes in to fireman’s carry! Gargano slips off and shows Superkick, which makes Theory fall back! Gargano rains down fists on Theory, Theory fights free but Gargano pursues to CHOP! And CHOP! Theory goes to a corner, Gargano CHOPS him again! Gargano follows Theory but Theory kicks low! Theory throws hands but Gargano dodges to CHOP again! Fans rally for “JOHNNY WRESTLING!” as Gargano stomps a mudhole into Theory. Fans fire up, Gargano storms back in to CHOP! Gargano whips corner to corner, Theory reverses but Gargano BOOTS back! Gargano goes up to FLYING RANA!

Theory staggers up, swings but misses, into the Schoolboy KICK! Theory bails out and Gargano brings him up. Theory grabs at Gargano but Gargano ROCKS Theory! And again! And again! Theory wobbles, Gargano slingshots, but Theory blocks the DDT! Theory fisherman’s the leg, APRON AOI SHOUDO! Gargano goes down and Raw goes to break!

Gargano writhes, Theory looms over him, the ring count climbs but Theory just leaves Gargano behind. Theory gets in at 6 of 10, Gargano stands at 8 but jumps in at 9! Theory rains down fists, then he TOSSES Gargano back out. Gargano crawls, Theory stalks him, and THROWS him into barriers! Theory drags Gargano up to THROW him into the timekeeper’s area! Theory sits on the barriers to take a selfie before going into the ring. Gargano stirs at 5 of 10, crawls his way around at 7, and hurries in at 9! Theory scoops Gargano for a BACKBREAKER! Cover, TWO! Theory wraps on a chinlock and he grinds Gargano down.

Gargano endures, fans rally up, and Gargano fights up to throw body shots. Gargano runs, but into a BIG elbow! Theory struts over to stand over Gargano. Theory drags Gargano up, snapmares him and stomps him down! Cover, TWO! Theory sits Gargano up to wrap on a chinlock again. Theory grinds Gargano down, but Gargano fights up to throw body shots. Theory knees low! And CLUBS Gargano down! Theory suplexes, Gargano slips out and he ROCKS Theory with forearm after forearm! Gargano runs, into a BOOT! But he comes back with a ROLLING ELBOW! Both men are down as Raw returns to single picture!

Fans rally as a standing count starts. Theory and Gargano stand, Gargano throws big forearms! Gargano whips, Theory reverses but Gargano CROSSBODIES! And then he clotheslines and ENZIGURIS! Theory goes to a corner, Gargano DOUBLE KNEES him! Gargano goes corner to corner but Theory puts him on the apron. Gargano SLINGSHOT SPEARS! Cover, TWO! Theory bails out, Gargano builds speed, but Theory slide sin. Gargano hurries back to the apron, SLINGSHOT into a FOREARM! Theory hurries to pump handle COMPLETE SHOT! Cover, TWO!! Theory is furious but Gargano is still in this!

Theory says he has surpassed Gargano, and he rains down fists. Theory drags Gargano up, ROCKS him again, then storms up. Gargano ROCKS Theory and fans rally, but Theory ROCKS Gargano back. Gargano ROCKS Theory, they both throw forearms! And again! Gargano fakes Theory out, mule kick! But Theory ducks the Buzzsaw to fireman’s carry! A-TOWN, NO! Schoolboy, but Theory ducks the kick! Theory steals the GargaNO Escape!! Gargano endures, rolls it to a cover, TWO!! Gargano dodges Theory, tilt-o-whirl takedown! GargaNO Escape!! Gargano has Theory now, Theory endures, but he rolls it around and scoops Gargano!

Theory shakes his head, pops Gargano up, but Gargano slips off! Theory SUPERKICKS first! Theory is fuming, he rains down fists and shouts, “I told you! I am the man!” Fans boo as Theory aims from the apron. Theory slingshots, but into a SUPERKICK! Gargano sends Theory out of the ring! Fans fire up as Gargano DIVES for a TORNADO DDT!! Gargano puts Theory back in, drags himself up to the apron, and he slingshots again, ONE FINAL BEAT!! Cover, Gargano wins!!

Winner: Johnny Gargano, by pinfall

And that’s the way to do it! Johnny Wrestling gets another great win in Brooklyn, will Gargano get a golden opportunity soon enough?

Rey Mysterio VS Chad Gable w/ Otis!

The King of Lucha is doing his best to move on from Dominik Mysterio leaving his side, throwing hate his way, and sticking with The Judgement Day. Can Rey put the pieces back together? Or will The Alpha Academy pick him apart like vultures?

The bell rings and Rey circles with Gable. They tie up, Gable waistlocks, spins, wrenches and wristlocks. Rey wrenches, wristlocks, but Gable spins through to headlock, spin and drop toehold! “A THANK YEW~!” Gable has the armlock then shifts to a headlock. Rey throws body shots, powers out, but Gable runs him over! “A THANK YEW~!” Gable and Rey speed up, Gable body scissors to roll and clutch, TWO! Gable hits a headlock takeover and he grinds Rey down. Rey endures, fights up, but Gable wrenches. Gable whips but Rey KICKS him! Rey runs, dodges Gable, then dodges again to RANA! Gable tumbles out and fans fire up!

Gable and Otis regroup but Rey runs in to dropkick Gable down! Rey builds speed to slide and SUNSET BOMB Gable into barriers! Fans fire up for Rey but oh no! Here comes the Judgement Day! Rhea Ripley & Dominik Mysterio walk out on stage, and Rhea wears a mocking “tribute armband” for Beth Phoenix! They’re already in Rey’s head, will Rhea & Dom do something to him? We’ll see, after the break.

Raw returns and Gable has Rey up top! Rey fights Gable off and knocks him down, to then SEATED SENTON! Rey keeps moving, he tilt-o-whirl headscissors! Gable goes to a corner, Rey runs in but Gable dodges. Rey goes up, jumps back but Gable catches Rey to an Electric Chair and SLAM! Then a deadlift GERMAN SUPLEX! Bridging cover, TWO! Rey escapes but Gable snarls. Gable drags Rey back up, waistlocks again but Rey elbows free. Rey runs, wheelbarrows, then victory rolls! But Gable rolls through to ANKLE LOCK! Rey flounders, reaches out, rolls and he kicks away at Gable! But Gable holds onto the hold!

Rey rolls and POSTS Gable! Gable flops out of the ring, and then Rey PLANCHAS, but Otis catches him! Otis pops Rey around, but Rey slips off to POST Otis! Rey stares down Dom & Rhea, then shoulders into Gable! Rey slingshots but Gable turns it into an Alabama, but Rey RANAS free! Gable is on the ropes, Rey dials it up, 619! SPLASH! Cover, Rey wins!

Winner: Rey Mysterio, by pinfall

A great rebound win for Rey, but now Dom & Rhea get on the apron. Rey shakes his head, but Dom dares him to do something. Rey refuses, but Rhea stands in Rey’s way. Rey turns back to Dom, and Dom wants Rey to hit him! Rey pushes and shoves Rey! “You gotta hit me! It’s gotta be now!” Rey refuses, and he puts his hands behind his back. So Dom SLAPS Rey! Dom wants Rey to hit him back! Rhea laughs as she watches Rey’s torment. Dom drops to his knees, Rey runs, but past Dom to DECK Priest! Rey knew the rest of Judgement Day was coming! Rey dodges Finn and tilt-o-whirls him into Dom! Rey DROPKICKS Priest, then drop toeholds Finn onto ropes!

Fans fire up and Rey dials it up, but Dom CLOBBERS Rey!! Fans boo Dom but he doesn’t care. Dom looms over his own father, and still dares him to hit back! Fans chant, “YOU SUCK! YOU SUCK!” at Dom, but Rey refuses to fight his son. Rey asks Dom, “Why? Why, Dom?!” Dom says it has to happen! It has to happen!! Rey doesn’t understand, but he’s in tears as he turns away. So Dom CLOBBERS Rey! Rhea holds Rey on the ropes and Dom gives some Latino Heat. Dom dials it up, to 619!! Dom hits his father with his own signature move that he passed down to Dom! Is there no low the Judgement Day won’t stoop to?

Raw returns to The Judgement Day in the ring.

After all the damage Dom had done to him physically and emotionally, Rey was left in tears as he clutched his battered body. But Rhea laughs as she has the mic. “Like I’ve said every single week since you peasants can’t get it through your thick skulls… The Judgement Day: we RUN Monday Night Raw!” Priest laughs because the fans hate to hear the truth! Every single person that steps to the Judgement Day falls! All the way, the Judgement Day continues to rise. But y’know what? Let’s talk about something more important: Finn Balor handled business at Extreme Rules! Finn says, “Like I’ve said before, when you come at Finn, you best not miss.”

“So to all the people who were cheering and partying and celebrating Edge’s miracle return to the ring after a nine year absence, here’s the cold hard truth: I ended the party. I stopped the celebration. I’m the one who pissed on y’all’s parade!” Finn made Edge say the words, “I QUIT!” Yes! Finn made Edge say those words! Hey, Dom, what’d Edge say? “Edge said, ‘I quit.'” Hey, Priest. What’d he make Edge do? Finn made Edge quit! That’s right! And do you know why? Because Balor is too legit to quit! And y’know what? Have you seen it? Let’s watch it! A replay package shows Finn VS Edge in their I Quit match, but in the end, Finn wasn’t alone! Though, neither was Edge!

Rey tried to help Edge beat Finn but Dom beat down Rey. Beth Phoenix tried to help her husband, Edge, but Rhea Ripley knocked her out with BRASS KNUCKLES! And when Edge still refused, the Judgement Day threatened Beth! Edge said those two dreaded words, giving Finn the win. But then Rhea showed no mercy and still hit Beth with a Con-Chair-To!! “You taught us too well!” Back in the present, The Judgement Day is smiling but the fans are booing. Rhea says that brings a tear to her eye. “The Glamazon, Beth Phoenix. Hah! What a joke! Beth, what I did to you was just a glimpse of what I’m capable of.”

Dom says watching Rhea in action, well, y’know… Fans boo but Finn tells them to shut up! They’re all just jealous anyway! Dom says watching Rhea in action, smacking Edge’s wife with that chair, “did it for me. And I know that it did it for all of you as well.” And Dom’s favorite part, other than 619’ing his own dad, was seeing the pathetic and devastated look on Rey’s face. Rey deserves to feel as useless and as helpless as he’s made Dom feel his entire life! Finn pats Dom on the shoulder and says that’s right. Which brings us to “Uncle Alan Styles.” Finn tells AJ that he better have reconsidered things, because Finn has all but run out of mercy.

Finn is here tonight to offer an ultimatum. Styles- APPEARS! Styles has a mic to say, “Finn, as long as we’ve known each other, it’s come down to this? An ultimatum?” Finn says Styles has made this harder than it needed to be. Finn, hold on. Styles isn’t here to argue. Oh? Styles says Finn is right. Everything that he ever needed was standing right in front of him. Styles has been alone for far too long. There comes a time in a man’s life when he needs friends. In Styles’ case, he needs family! So for the first time since they met in Japan to right here now in the WWE, is Styles not his brother’s keeper? Styles kneels before Finn!?

Fans boo but Finn offers a hand. Styles takes it and he stands back up. They hug! The Phenomenal One is now in the Judgment Day?! Finn is so proud! He knew Styles would come around. But then Styles says, “I wasn’t talking about you.” WHAT!?! WHAT?!?! The GOOD BROTHERS, Karl Anderson & Luke Gallows, are BACK!! Finn is freaking out as The Machine Gun and Big Doc LG are here, and Brooklyn is losing their minds! Finn says this is BS, and Dom says this is a big mistake! But Gallows DECKS Dom! The brawl is on! Styles is after Finn, Gallows has Priest and Anderson has Dom! Rhea BOOTS Anderson, but Gallows clotheslines Priest out!

Finn and Styles are alone, having it out in the ring! Priest sends Gallows into steps, Anderson ROCKS Dom, Styles fires off the Blitz! Finn bails out and wants a timeout, but Styles TACKLES Finn over the desk! Gallows SMACKS Priest with a chair! Anderson DECKS Dom! Brooklyn is loving this as Gallows DECKS Priest over the barriers! Things spill out to the crowd but the Judgement Day slips away! All except Finn. Finn sees he’s surrounded, he runs for it! He slips away but it is clear the OC is back!

Byron Saxton has a sit-down interview with Bayley.

The Role Model is NOT Raw Women’s Champion, and Byron asks her if she considers what happened at Extreme Rules to be “a setback in Damage Control’s plan to take control of the Women’s Division?” Dakota Kai & Iyo Sky are there, and Kai handles this. “Setback? You wanna talk about setbacks, why do you think Bayley brought me with her to SummerSlam?” Kai was at rock bottom, and Bayley was the only one to extend a hand. Dakota dares, hopes and prays that anyone tries to do anything to hurt DMG CTRL, because Dakota will do anything to hurt them. Can anyone say the same about Asuka, Alexa Bliss or Bianca Belair?

Iyo says something in Japanese and Kai agrees. “These women have no idea what Iyo and I would do for Bayley!” When Bayley gets her rematch, they will punish Bianca until Bayley is holding the gold! Iyo does not like Bianca, Asuka or Alexa! Bayley is going to kick Candice LeRae’s ass and nothing will stop her! DMG CTRL heads out, will the Poison Pixie be punished for The EST simply defending her title?

Roman Reigns, Paul Heyman & Solo Sikoa are heading out.

Roman says that was pretty good, and Heyman agrees. But Jey asks what’s going on. Where’re they going? Jey wants to talk to him about tonight. Roman says he doesn’t have time for that. The Wise Man got them set up in a pad tonight and they’re gonna do New York! But the Usos are staying here with Sami. Wherever Sami is, Jey & Jimmy should be. In fact, since Jey will be here, he needs to make sure the Honorary Uce wins tonight. Can Jey do that? Yeet. Okay, then. Let’s go, Solo. No, no, Solo’s with Roman tonight. Oh… Heyman shrugs and gets in the SUV with Roman and Solo. They head out, will the Usos & Sami be alright on their own?

Bayley VS Candice LeRae!

The Role Model isn’t Raw Women’s Champion, but not for lack of trying. Kai & Sky did help her in the Ladder Match, but not even all three of them could stop the strongEST, fastEST, toughEST, and roughEST in the WWE. Will Bayley just take out all her frustrations on Candice Wrestling? Or will the Poison Pixie prove she’s deserving of her own opportunities?

The bell rings and the two circle. Bayley kicks low, CLUBS and ROCKS Candice, then RAMS her into a corner! Bayley stomps a mudhole, whips Candice to ropes, but Candice reverses. Bayley runs Candice over, covers, ONE! Bayley is upset already but she drags Candice up. Candice arm-drags free! And then arm-drags again! And drop toeholds! Bayley crawls but Candice dropkicks her down! Candice then runs to hit a NECK SNAPPER! Jackknife bridge, TWO! Candice drags Bayley up but Bayley throws body shots. Bayley throws Candice out to the apron, but Candice avoids the shoulder to KNEE low!

Bayley clutches ribs, Candice climbs up and MISSILE DROPKICKS! Bayley bails out but Candice keeps her focus as Raw goes picture in picture.

Bayley winces, still feeling every bit of the ladder match. Candice WRECKS her with a dropkick! Candice goes out to bring Bayley up and in, then hurries to cover, TWO! Bayley hurries to bail out again, and Candice goes out after her. But Bayley FLAPJACKS Candice into the post! Bayley puts Candice in then drags her to the corner. Bayley SLAMS the leg against the post! Candice clutches her knee but Bayley drags her to a cover, TWO! Bayley stomps Candice around, drags her onto the ropes, and CHOKES her! The ref counts, Bayley lets off, and Bayley mocks “Mama Wrestling.” Bayley stomps Candice then digs her boots in!

The ref counts, Bayley lets off, and Bayley soaks up the heat. Bayley puts Candice’s leg around the ropes to pull! The ref counts, Bayley lets off and she snap suplexes Candice down. Cover, TWO! Bayley drags Candice around to knee her in the back. Bayley shouts at fans, pushes Candice over and stomps away on the bad leg. Bayley drags Candice around by that leg, but Candice hops up to ENZIGURI the bad arm! Bayley staggers but Candice cradles! TWO! Bayley rushes in but into a roll-up! TWO! Candice ROCKS Bayley and Raw returns to single picture. Bayley comes back but Candice ROCKS her again and again!

Candice CHOPS and ROCKS over and over in the corner! Fans fire up as Candice fires off! The ref counts, Candice lets off and she back body blocks! Candice snapmares Bayley, to then step up SENTON! And then basement dropkick! Cover, TWO! Candice shakes out the bad leg, fans rally up, and Candice drags Bayley up. Bayley RAMS Candice in a corner! But Candice BOOTS back! Candice hops up but Bayley shoves her down! Candice is in a Tree of Woe and Bayley tortures the legs! Bayley drags Candice out of the corner, KNEE-DT! And then a ROSE PLA- CRADLE?! Candice wins!!

Winners: Candice LeRae, by pinfall

Bayley is shocked and furious, but Candice gets away! Bayley couldn’t get redemption but Kai & Sky get revenge! They CLOBBER Candice, beat her down, and put her back in the ring! Iyo underhooks and lifts, Dakota SUPERKICKS Candice into the TIGER BACKBREAKER! Bayley and Sky stand on Candice, but here comes Bianca! She DECKS Kai but Bayley BOOTS her! Bayley sets Bianca up, DROPKICK BOOT SANDWICH on the apron! And then Bayley hits a RUNNING KNEE on Candice! Fans boo but DMG CTRL stands tall. Kai & Sky bring Bianca around, Bayley hits a MACHO ELBOW on Bianca on the belt!

Fans boo even more, but DMG CTRL stands tall and Bayley shouts, “This is what a real damn team looks like!” Will these three soon control the Raw Women’s Division?

The Miz meets up with Maryse backstage.

O M G she looks incredible. But this can’t be a good idea, right? They both know “He Who Shall Not Be Named” is going to show, right? Maryse has Miz calm down. They can’t let some lunatic ruin his party after Maryse worked on it for many months. And here’s a little something. Oh, his first gift of the night! He opens it up, and it’s a Louisville Slugger! They both kiss, but will Miz’s bad feeling become a reality?

Raw returns to Maryse in the ring.

“Ladies and gentlemen, tonight is such a special night because we get to celebrate the birthday of my husband. So please help me welcome The Awesome One, The Miz!” The Hollywood A-Lister makes his entrance, showing off his brand new baseball bat, and he joins Maryse in the ring. There’s gold and silver balloons and presents, and even a Miz ice sculpture! Miz tells Maryse she outdid herself! She spent so much money! Do you know how expensive ice sculpture is? Or how expensive that bat is? Read it! It’s signed by the best deep ball hitter ever! Cleveland’s Jose Ramirez! Oh, sorry, did you expect him to say Aaron Judge?

You New Yorkers love Judge! You think he’s the best in MLB! Well here’s something Miz will explain to you: If you think having the best player in the league is enough to win championships, here’s two words for you: KEVIN DURANT. The fans boo but Maryse says to ignore them. Miz, open a gift. Any gift? Yes, any gift! He unveils the MASSIVE BALLS! O M G, this is perfect! Two massive Miz balls to go with his big giant bat! He loves them! He wants more gifts! Yes, go with the big one next! Sweet! Which one is the big one? Hold his bat. There, the middle. Fans taunt Miz for his “TINY BALLS! TINY BALLS!”

Miz tunes them out and pick sup the box. Wow, it’s heavy. IT HAS LUMIS’ HEAD!!! Miz sees Lumis, then puts the box back on! To then BASH away on the boxes!! But Miz missed Lumis every time! Then where is he?! Lumis slithers in from the other direction! And he wraps Miz in the SILENCE!! Maryse tries to save Miz but he almost kicks her into the cake! Maryse gets back, up but then he DOES kick her into the cake! Miz flails, slips free, and RUNS! He just leaves Maryse behind!? Maryse cleans herself up but Lumis looks right at her! Maryse turns around, and then she bails out! Maryse storms off, and Lumis grabs a knife!

Lumis goes over to the big balls, and POPS THEM! And then fans chant, “EAT THE CAKE!” Lumis cuts himself a slice, and has some cake! Is it good? More importantly, will we ever understand why Lumis is after The Miz?

DX talk with some local talent backstage.

What’re these guys’ names? Joey Ace and Chico! Well, okay. Get those biceps going, keep the blood flowing. Go out there and give it to Omos! There’s two of you, one of him, you’ve got this! Go, boys, go! Haze & Chico head out and HBK admits, those two are dead. But then Miz storms in and asks where HHH went! Miz is so sick of that lunatic! Look what he did to his massive… gifts! Can DX get some cake? Are you serious?! HBK says Lumis may not be a Marine, but he’s a good guy. He doesn’t just go after anyone. Miz had to do something to anger him. Miz did nothing to this guy! NOTHING! But Miz will do anything to get rid of him

Oh, anything? Yes, anything! Well then… Next week, Miz VS Lumis, 1v1! If Miz wins, Lumis is gone forever. But if Miz loses, Lumis gets those enormous gifts. And also a contract with WWE. But still. Does Miz have the balls? Oh, it’s on! Oooh~! Okay! Wait, since when did Road Dogg become a booker? He’s pretty sure he can do that. Will HHH approve of this high stakes showdown?

2v1 Handicap: Omos w/ MVP VS Robert Adams & Joseph Torres!

The Nigerian Giant comes to Brooklyn, will he storm through it like Godzilla? Or will “Chico” and “Joey Ace” manage to bring the monster down with DX’s encouragement?

The bell rings and Omos BOOTS Ace! Chico is stunned, then tries to run! Omos drags him back into the ring, scoops him, and gives him SNAKE EYES! Omos runs to CLOBBER Chico! MVP says, “Let ’em know!” Omos suplexes Ace and holds him up with one arm, before the TOSS! MVP cheers Omos on and Omos grabs Ace. Chico jumps on but Omos just CLOBBERS Ace all the same! And then he RAMS Chico in the other corner, before he CLOBBERS Ace again! Double choke grips, DOUBLE CHOKE SLAMS!! Omos snarls and he stands on Chico to pin, Omos wins!

Winner: Omos, by pinfall

MVP raises Omos’ hand in victory, but the devastation isn’t over! MOUNTAINTOP SLAM for Ace! MOUNTAINTOP SLAM for Chico! MVP says that’s good, and they head out. Will Omos leave nothing but destruction in his wake as he heads back towards a title?

WWE United States Championship: Bobby Lashley VS Seth Rollins!

The All Mighty technically owes Matt Riddle for helping him keep this title after The Visionary tried to steal it away. But after an ambush attack last week, Lashley is more than willing to give Rollins another shot if it means another chance for Lashley to put the Hurt Lock on Rollins. Will Rollins even be up to this title fight after the brutality that was unleashed inside the Fight Pit?

Before the match, Lashley gets the mic. “Brooklyn! I say this every week: I’m gonna be a fighting champion for all of you! And at this point, I’ve beaten some of the best of this business. I’ve been names like Drew McIntyre, Roman Reigns, Brock Lesnar, and now I have Seth Rollins who thinks that’s okay to come and sneak me because he didn’t feel he had a fair shot at my United States Championship-” WAIT. That’s not Rollins! That’s BROCK LESNAR!! The Beast is in Brooklyn and fans are going nuts! Lesnar has his pyro, he goes to the ring, and after getting the fans pumped up, he grabs the mic and stares down Lashley.

“Well holy SH*T! Good evening, Brooklyn. And good evening, Bobby Lashley.” FIREMAN’S CARRY! F5!!! Fans lose their minds again as The Beast just levels the All Mighty! Fans want that “ONE MORE TIME!” and Lesnar obliges! Waistlock and GERMAN SUPLEX! And then another fireman’s carry, for another F5!! Fans still want that “ONE MORE TIME!” Lashley manages to sit up, and Lesnar just picks him up! For a KIMURA!!! Lashley flails but not even tapping out would save him since this isn’t a match! Lesnar lets go once the damage is done, and he takes his leave. The Beast is back, but what about the US title match?

Raw returns as refs check Lashley.

They want him to go to the back to get checked by medical, but Seth Rollins makes his entrance! Rollins is beaten and battered, too, so he must think this is fair and square now! Rollins wants Lashley to get in but the refs are saying Lashley shouldn’t. Rollins wants his fight NOW, and dares Lashley to get in here! Fans sing “OH~ OHH~ OHHHH~!” as Rollins keeps demanding a fight. Lashley clutches the arm and Rollins gets the mic. “HEY! I know you can hear me! You’re not gonna get outta this title match that easy! Bobby, I want the match, and I want it right now! You said you were a fighting champion!”

Isn’t Lashley a fighter? Isn’t he a champion? Isn’t he a soldier?! But he’s not! He’s a DISGRACE to the US title! And to his country! Lashley’s pissed now! Lashley storms up to the ring, even with one good arm, and he pops it back into place! The refs keep telling him now, but Lashley tells them to ring the damn bell! Well, then here goes!

WWE United States Championship: Bobby Lashley VS Seth Rollins!

The bell rings, and Lashley SPEARS into a PEDIGREE!! Cover, TWO!!! Rollins hurries up top while Lashley’s still down! FROG SPLASH!! The bad ribs slow Rollins down, Rollins manages to cover, TWO!! Both men writhe in pain from their damaged bodies, but Rollins manages to stand up first. Rollins lines up his shot, runs in from the corner, CURB- NO, Lashley dodges! Lashley runs to SPEAR!! But Lashley can’t cover from the pain in his bad arm! Rollins flounders from the pain in his ribs, but he stands up, into a half nelson! But the bad arm keeps the full nelson from finishing! Rollins CLUBS away on the bad arm, then he ROLLING ELBOWS!

Lashley wobbles, into a SUPERKICK! Rollins spins, DREAM SMASHER ELBOW! Rollins runs and PENALTY KICKS the bad arm! Rollins aims from the corner again, he runs in and CURB STOMPS!! Fans are torn but fired up as Rollins revels in it all! “OH~ OHH~ OHHH~!” Rollins tells Lashley to get up again, and then he runs in to CURB STOMP AGAIN!!! Cover, Rollins wins!

Winner: Seth Rollins, by pinfall (NEW WWE United States Champion)

Brock Lesnar did the damage, but Seth Freakin’ Rollins takes the gold! Will Lashley look for revenge on The Visionary who beat him? Or on The Beast who beat him down?

Backstage interview with Bobby Lashley.

Byron realizes he’s emotional right now- Emotional? He’s PISSED! What Brock did was unforgiveable! Lesnar came in, and now Rollins is champion? Lashley isn’t done with Rollins, he’ll come back for that title. But first is Lesnar. Lashley will beat the hell out of Lesnar once he gets a chance! Lashley challenges Lesnar to show up next week so that the Beast can be exposed as nothing “but a little b*tch!” The All Mighty’s wrath has been awoken, but will he be able to tear down Suplex City?

Knock knock.

A rather glitchy message from Bray Wyatt plays. “I used to live in the prison inside my head. It was the only place that I could ever truly be free. Revel in what you are. REVEL IN WHAT YOU ARE! HAHAHAHAHAHA! REVEL IN WHAT YOU ARE!!! HAHAHAHAHA…! Revel in what you are.” What does all of this mean?

Sami Zayn w/ The Usos VS Matt Riddle!

The Honorary Uce is riding pretty high after the ego boosts he’s been getting from The Tribal Chief accepting him into The Bloodline and then appointing him above the Usos. Will Sami be riding high after a win over The Bro? Or will that Fight Pit victory lead Riddle to another big win in the chase for some gold?

Raw returns and Sami makes his entrance, the Usos right behind him. The bell rings and the two tie up. Sami headlocks, Riddle powers out but Sami runs him over. Sami holds up the finger, #WeTheOnes, and fans sing “Ole~ ole ole ole~! Ole~, Ole~!” for Sami. Sami and Riddle tie up again, Sami headlocks again, but Riddle powers up and out again. Things speed up and Riddle KICKS Sami down! Riddle then KNEES Sami in the side! Sami goes to ropes but Riddle KICKS him in the corner. Riddle ROCKS Sami, whips him to ropes, then CLOBBERS Sami! Cover, TWO! Riddle stays on Sami with a chinlock and leans on the hold.

Sami endures, fights up, and fans duel. Sami arm-drags free, things speed up and Sami CLOBBERS Riddle now! Cover, ONE! Sami throws hands on Riddle at the ropes, then CHOKES him on the ropes! The ref counts, Sami lets off at 4, and Jey goes up to BOOT Riddle back in! Sami is a bit perplexed, and he says, “You told me to handle this, right? I’m handling it. I’m handling it. I don’t need your help.” Fans chant “UCEY!” at Jey but then Riddle throws Sami out! Riddle goes up and out and PENALTY- NO, Sami dodges to trip up Riddle! Sami then ARABIAN PRESSES Riddle down! Fans fire up while Raw goes to break.

Raw returns and Sami drags Riddle up to bump off buckles. Sami bumps Riddle more, and Riddle flounders away. Sami hops up and leaps to AX HANDLE! Cover, TWO! Sami goes up the corner again, leaps, and Riddle dodges to spin Sami around! PELE! Sami falls over and both men are down! Fans rally up and Jey shouts at Sami to get up! Riddle and Sami stir, Riddle throws palm strike after palm strike and BOOTS! Sami rebounds, but into a BROSPLODER! PENALTY KICK! BROTON! But Sami flounders away to avoid the cover. Riddle forearms in the corner, runs in, but into a scoop and MICHINOKU DRIVER! Cover, TWO!!

Riddle survives and Sami is frustrated. Jey is pacing but Sami goes to a corner and climbs up. Sami aims but Riddle gets up there to join him! Sami flails and throws body shots to stop the cutter! Sami HEADBUTTS Riddle down! Sami leaps, but into a FINAL FLASH! Cover, TWO!! Riddle is beside himself as Sami survives! Jey shouts at Sami to get up, but fans rally for “SAMI USO!” Riddle climbs up a corner but Sami goes after him. Riddle elbows Sami away, reaches the top, but Sami trips him up! Riddle tumbles to the mat, but Sami claims he needs to be checked on. But then Jey rushes in! Sami stops Jey from attacking Riddle!

Sami says he doesn’t need Jey’s help, but Riddle rolls Sami! TWO!!! Sami escapes but runs into a headscissors that sends him out the ring! FLOATING BRO ATTACK! Fans fire up and so does Riddle as Raw goes picture in picture!

Riddle looms over Sami while staring down the Usos. The Usos back up, Riddle puts Sami in the ring, and Riddle KICKS Sami! And KICKS! And KICKS! Sami wobbles as Riddle KICKS him more and more! Riddle powers up, takes aim, but Sami ducks! Roll up, but Riddle rolls through to BUZZSAW! Cover, TWO! Sami is still in this and Riddle grows frustrated. Riddle hobbles over, drags Sami up and hauls him to the top rope. Riddle CHOPS Sami, climbs up after him, and he throws big forearms! Riddle then climbs to the very top, but Sami throws body shots! They brawl, Riddle ROCKS Sami but Sami CLUBS away on Riddle!

Sami adjusts, to SUPER SUNSET BOMB!! Cover, TWO!! Riddle survives and Sami can’t believe it! Jimmy coaches Sami up and Sami grits his teeth. Sami drags himself up the ropes, drags Riddle up and clinches, but Riddle fights the exploder! Sami CLUBS away on Riddle, then tries again! But Riddle hits a JUMPING TRIANGLE! Sami is caught as Riddle squeezes tight! Sami is turning red, but he reaches out with a hand! And then a leg! ROPEBREAK! Riddle lets go at 4 but  he calls upon those voices in his head, bro! Riddle aims as Sami rises, RK- NO! Sami powers out, Raw returns to single picture as things speed up, DOUBLE LARIATS take both men down!

The Usos are stressing out but Sami sits up. Sami throws hands on Riddle but Riddle gives them back. They go back and forth, fans rally up, and Riddle gets the edge. Riddle runs, but into a BOOT! Sami runs, but Riddle dodges to ripcord and FINAL FLASH! Sami goes to a corner, Riddle runs in, but Sami clinches! EXPLODER into the corner! Sami hurries to the other end, fans fire up for the HELL- POWERSLAM!! Riddle brings that one outta nowhere, and speaking of The Viper, Riddle drags Sami in through ropes! But Sami THROWS Riddle out! Sami has the ref check him again, but now he expects the Usos to do something? He did tell Jey to stand down.

Sami goes out to fetch Riddle, but Riddle KICKS him first! The Usos step but Jey tells Jimmy to stay back. This is what Sami wants, right? Riddle KICKS away on Sami! Sami gets in the ring, Jey likes that, but Sami ducks a kick for BLUE- NO! RKO!!! Cover, Riddle wins!!

Winner: Matt Riddle, by pinfall

That’s not what Roman wanted for the Honorary Uce! But Jey says it’s okay, Sami said he wanted to handle business on his own. The Usos check on Sami as he gets out of the ring, who will take the blame for this one?

Are you ready?!

The theme song is back, “BREAK IT DOWN!” And riding in on a Jeep, it’s DEGENERATION X, including HHH! They fire the cannon, just like back in the days of the Monday Night War! HHH, HBK, X-Pac & Road Dogg head to the ring, throwing glowsticks to the fans. They get in the ring, form up, and as the fans get louder, they CROTCH CHOP!! X-Pac asks Brooklyn to make a little noise! And a quick shout out to the missing magic ingredient, the Ninth Wonder of the World, CHYNA!

Road Dogg wants to see who remembers this: “Lllladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, children of all ages. Tonight, De-Geriatric X proudly brings to you one half of the seven-time WWE TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS OF THE WOOOOORLD~! The Road Dogg, Jessie James!” Fans take care of saying, “The Ass Man, Billy Gunn!” “The New! Age! OUTLAWS!” HHH says it smells funny in here. X-Pac says it smells good! Is that Dogg or the fans? No, that’s gas. But it has been 25 YEARS! Who was here watching them at the beginning? Many fans cheer, and HHH says not all of these people are THAT old. 25 YEARS! HBK doesn’t feel so bad now.

25 years IS a long time. But right now, HHH just has one thing he wants to know: “Are you ready? No, Brooklyn, I said! ARE! YOU! READYYY?!” Fans cheer because they are! “Then… For the thousands in attendance. For the millions watching at home. And for 25 years, we would like to say thank you and we love you all. Hold on, I gotta catch my breath first. Woo~. All right.” Dogg wishes HHH gave him that opportunity. “Llllllllllllllllet’s get ready to SUCK IIIIIIIIT~!” HBK says, “And as we’ve said 25 glorious years of Degeneration X… But I’m gonna put all of us out there right now here on the spot.” Fans chant for “HBK! HBK!”

HBK wants us to promise, if we’re somehow all back here 25 years from now, put them outta their miseries! “And if you ain’t down with that, we got two words for ya!” “SUCK IT!!” Fans will never forget this team! DX then, now and, well, maybe not forever, but here’s to 25 years to close the Raw season premiere!

My Thoughts:

An awesome episode for not just the Raw that follows a PPV but also the “season premiere.” Granted, the DX celebration was just a fun closing segment, DX also had a lot of fun in other segments, like setting up those poor jobbers against Omos and that really wacky opening where we actually get to see HHH sitting at the desk at gorilla. But HHH did have a point, this isn’t the Attitude Era, he’s also the boss now, they can’t get as wild as they used to. They had a good part with The Miz, too, after a great segment from Miz, Maryse and Lumis. I guess they’re maintaining the kayfabe that Lumis was released and hasn’t been rehired, so you gotta think Lumis is going to win next week so he can be a WWE superstar in canon.

Great match from Gargano and Theory, even though it feels really soon to be doing this one. Gargano winning is great, but I’m wondering where this goes from here. Rey VS Gable was a great match, but of course Judgement Day goes after him once again. This has been the most emotional I’ve seen Rey, this is a really interesting move. And then what’s wilder is that Styles has Gallows & Anderson back! I’m pretty sure Anderson is still NJPW’s NEVER Openweight Champion and he is in the middle of setting up his title match with Hikuleo, but I guess this is a clear sign that he’ll be losing that belt to say good-bye to NJPW again. Maybe. And either way, this is definitely to set up Survivor Series: WarGames, Judgement Day VS The OC.

Good promo from Damage Control, and very good match from Candice and Bayley. A great surprise that Candice won, but I’m thinking she’s going to be joining Bianca’s side as we get closer to Survivor Series: WarGames. Bayley wants another shot, she probably will get that title match, and I would think Bayley wins that to “vindicate” herself, and then we get a tiebreaker at the Royal Rumble or even WrestleMania, depending on how they rotate in enemies and allies. There’s also the women’s tag titles, so maybe Candice teams with Alexa Bliss while Asuka is kayfabe hurt with the bad knee, and we also bring in SmackDown’s Shotzi & Raquel.

Brock Lesnar showing up was wild because no one had any whiff of that happening until I think today. Everyone thought the return was “soon,” but they didn’t think this soon. Lesnar basically screwing Lashley out of the US title was an interesting way to get us a rematch of Lesnar VS Lashley, but it’s not like Lesnar VS Lashley needed the title. Plus, Rollins getting the US title fits what I’ve been feeling, and that is adding the title to his feud with Cody Rhodes. Cody returns, wins the US title, and he completes his Homelander cosplay in time for WrestleMania. Fans may want/expect Cody to go for the top title, but he probably has to wait until the plans for WrestleMania: Hollywood play out. And Cody’s never held the US title, so checking that off the list would mean him becoming Universal Champion makes him a WWE Grand Slam Champion, a huge crowning achievement for Cody’s return.

And of course, amazing stuff out of The Bloodline, the layers of this story are like an onion. It was also a nice continuation from Logan Paul stirring it up on SmackDown. Sami is getting a big head over being The Honorary Uce and it cost him with Riddle. Jey was told by Roman to make sure Sami won, but clearly that didn’t get back to Sami, and now we’ll have to wait and see this Friday who Roman gets mad at.

My Score: 8.9/10