Andrew’s IMPACT Results & Match Ratings: 1.26.2023

I have no real clue what to make of this episode. With a throw away X Division Championship match and most likely a Knockouts Tag to just perpetuate the Gisele is a shitty human concept, I don’t see a lot of hope for this episode outside of the main event.

Every now and then there’s a head scratching klunker from IMPACT because they get too wrapped up in their gimmicks and sometimes they all coalesce in the same episode. Hopefully we can salvage some entertainment in the first like 90 minutes as to not be struggle bussing to the final match.

At least the teaser for Gisele’s partner seems to have potential.

.@TheJaiVidal seems to be a HUGE fan of the "legendary" partner @milanmiracle has chosen for @GiseleShaw08. #IMPACTonAXSTV pic.twitter.com/dwI27cZk4b

— IMPACT (@IMPACTWRESTLING) January 27, 2023

Ratings:

• X Division Championship: Trey Miguel (c) vs Mike Jackson: Trey retains via Lightning Spiral – *
• The Good Hands vs KUSHIDA & Kevin Knight: Kushida wins via Hoverboard Lock – **
• Knockouts Tag Team Championship: Death Dollz (Taya Valkyrie & JesSICKa w/ Rosemary) (c) vs Gisele Shaw & Tara w/Jai Vidal: Death Dollz retain via Assisted Sickishi Driver – **
• Major Players (Brian Myers & Matt Cardona) vs Bullet Club (Ace & Bey): Ace wins via Prawn Hold – ** 1/4
• Jonathan Gresham vs Sheldon Jean: Gresham wins via Sliding D – *
• Golden 6 Shooter Elimination: Rhino vs Moose vs Chris Sabin vs Callihan vs Rich Swann vs Eddie Edwards: Rich Swann wins via 450 Splash – *** 1/4

Results:

X Division Championship: Trey Miguel (c) vs Mike Jackson

Mike Jackson gets a few moments of Running Shoulder Tackles to knock down Trey since Trey is taking the challenge lightly. A near fall into some shoving and feigning an apology. Jackson is still a moron in his old age and takes the handshake bait to get snuck in the jaw.

Jackson does the straps down, back elbows, swinging Neckbreaker and then goes for some kind of punch combination and gets countered. Its very hard to care about this match since who’s really going to put a title on a 76 year old man. Mike Jackson does the Oldest School, Prayer Walk…whatever you want to call it – before Trey pulls him down and starts kicking him around. Jacky Bryant Kick, into Lightning Spiral…and who cares.

After the match Trey looks under the ring for his spray paint, finds Crazzy Steve already tagged up and taunting Trey. Black Taurus comes out when Trey tries to powder, and I guess Decay isn’t done with Trey yet. 

The playing field is stacked with the bodies of challengers that @SteveMaclin has already beaten. #IMPACTonAXSTV @Walking_Weapon pic.twitter.com/RHjbL1YPWG

— IMPACT (@IMPACTWRESTLING) January 27, 2023

The Good Hands vs KUSHIDA & Kevin Knight

Skyler starts off for the Good Hands, Knight technically starts but very quick tags. Tandem Arm Wringers and strikes until Skyler manages to powder, get chased and find a way to tag out and start working over Kushida. Hotch pulls off a Chaos Theory German Suplex, so I’m a fan of him now…and they do the tandem cover as Skyler hits the Jacknife cover for 2.

Kushida manages to get some space, tag out and Knight comes in with a hot tag and starts flying around. Some quick work, Cartwheel Dropkick from Kushida. Electric Chair/Dropkick combo as Knight wipes out Hotch and Kushida sinks in the Hoverboard Lock on Skyler.

Knockouts Tag Team Championship: Death Dollz (Taya Valkyrie & JesSICKa w/ Rosemary) (c) vs Gisele Shaw & Tara w/Jai Vidal

Tara comes out and JesSICKa starts bowing, Tara is emotional, Taya looks a little awe struck and actually respectfully shakes hands. Death Dollz are playing the perfect babyface role early on.

It looks like Taya and Tara are going to start, but before they touch, Gisele tags her out like a good heel should. Taya and JesSICKa are both mad they don’t get to wrestle with Tara, so there moves have a little more oomph. Tara keeps holding her hand out for a tag but Gisele is ignoring her and actually says no when Tara tries to ask for the tag.

Tara is trying to be a good sport but Gisele’s ego has her refuse to tag in Tara multiple times. Gisele disrespects Tara by using her old taunt and hitting the Spider Web only for 2. She plays to the crowd asking if they want Tara and then disrespects Tara. Tara walks in to argue while the Death Dollz are…eating popcorn. This is wonderful. Gisele slaps Tara and tries to talk more shit, Tara snaps and Widow’s Peak…the Dollz throw their popcorn and look shocked. Assisted Sickishi Driver and the Dollz retain with an assist to a fed up Tara.

It seems there's a lot more @Kelly_WP in the future of @RealTaylorWilde. #IMPACTonAXSTV pic.twitter.com/7MsoqLswzg

— IMPACT (@IMPACTWRESTLING) January 27, 2023

Major Players (Brian Myers & Matt Cardona) vs Bullet Club (Ace & Bey)

Bey gets the best of Cardona early, tags in Ace and we see some solid tandem work with sweeps, kicks, Double Sentons, a lot of fluid Junior style movement. The Majors manage to catch Ace watching both of them, Myers pulls him face first into a rope and then they start working over Ace.

Ace finally rocks Cardona after eating offense for a few minutes, Bey takes the hot tag, cleans house, does a little homage to Shinsuke Nakamura before hitting Cardona with a Jumping Uppercut in the corner. Bey is rolling until Myers scoops Ace off the apron; which distracts Bey, so Cardona catches him with a Lariat and shifts the momentum. Reboot into a Guillotine Leg Drop for 2. Bey manages to defend, Ace tags, hits a rolling Headscissors, they try to set up a 1-2-Sweet but Bey is rocked so he’s slow to the spot. Cardona blocks, a little back and forth before Ace rocks Cardona with a Triangle Kick. Bey turns it into a Victory Roll, but Bey isn’t legal, so Ace tries to pull things apart and quickly figure out a Prawn Hold of sorts to get a sloppy victory.

Jonathan Gresham vs Sheldon Jean

Still surprised Gresham lost to Eddie, but I guess more enhancement matches are how to get right.

As much as Hannifan is trying to go over Sheldon’s resume, no one is buying it. He’s enhancement talent who’s acting cocky but getting relatively worked over. Gresham shows Sheldon what a chainsaw does to a tree, hyperextends his tree, Sliding D to the back of the head…Gresham wins.

Golden 6 Shooter Elimination: Rhino vs Moose vs Chris Sabin vs Callihan vs Rich Swann vs Eddie Edwards

Early tie ups, turn into Moose and Rhino standing off, then Sabin and Rhino…and we just get a little bit of revolving door of square offs. Definitely a little silly to try and go through the play by play here since it’s just different pair offs and a handful of high spots. Callihan gets set up for a Gore but Moose takes the shot to hit Rhino with Lights Out before the Gore. Callihan wipes out Moose and pins Rhino, to eliminate him first.

Moose stacks Swann and Sabin on the top corner, Okada Dropkick hits both, Eddie attacks Moose, Sabin takes advantage of the distraction for a Tornado DDT, but only 2. Sabin keeps the momentum against Eddie and Callihan before we get more interesting spots from everyone taking out 2 people. Swann looks to take out Callihan but Eddie crotches Swann, Gamengiri, Backpack…nope, Swann slips it, face kick, Sabin tries something but Eddie with the Inside Out Side Slam, Powerbombs Swann into Sabin for 2. Eddie looks to Tiger Driver Sabin but no, counter backslide, rope run, Pop Up Flapjack, Tiger Driver finally hits…but only 2. Eddie lines up Boston Knee Party but PCO’s music hits and PCO is pointing at Eddie through the sea of security. Distract Eddie eats a Yakuza Kick from Sabin, Head and Arm Cradle to eliminate Eddie Edwards.

Moose clocks Sabin, a few big strikes and an Uranage for 2. Moose is trying to put Sabin away quickly. Corner charge, Sabin moves, Flying Enzuigiri, Tornado…nope…Lights Out, Chris Sabin is eliminated. Callihan, Swann and Moose are now all in and just trading strikes and headbutts. Back and forth, Callihan throws Swann into the ropes, Lethal Injection…but Callihan powders. Moose kicks out Swann’s leg and starts trying to work over the leg. Great limb work…damn Moose even breaks out a Dragon Screw and then starts just punching the right knee relentlessly. Moose locks in some Stump Puller variation to continue the torture. Moose gets a little cocky, keeps trying to lift on the leg but Swann tucks, rolls and hits the Victory Roll to eliminate Moose.

The Design walks out to tell Callihan to take out Swann as the last step. Callihan goes for a Stretch Muffler on the good leg, Rich counters with a Cradle variation for 2. Swann then starts rocking Callihan with Vader Hammers, Swann tries to fire, kick to the gut, Powerbomb into an Ankle Lock on the back leg. Thumbs Up, Thumbs…kicked in the face. Rich keeps throwing kicks, finally drops Callihan, 450 Splash to eliminate Callihan.

Overall Score: 6/10

Only one decent wrestling match, but a few high points through the show. Death Dollz eating popcorn as Tara snaps to the disrespect, Tasha and Savannah finally breaking up, Maclin with a solid point in his promo and of course Hendry’s new song. Major Players will always be Edge’s Bitches to me as well Joe.

Aside from that, the show was a little slow and with predictable matches, the little moments had to really hit to keep some of the entertainment investment. Mike Jackson may be an amusing story, but it was totally worthless. Zero suspension of disbelief.

Not a terrible episode, but not a super strong one either. If you’ve been following IMPACT for a while, the show was better than a purely uninitiated perspective.