We start with animated Karl, LG and Chico with animated Hot Asian Wife about to take her top off! But Chico wants to watch the show. Clint Bobski kicks off Talk’N Shop-A-Mania 2 to run down the card! Oh they paid Clint with rolls of quarters and apparently they’re going to bang you with the rolls of quarters if you paid for the show.
I’m just here to drink, watch some balls get ripped off and maybe a full Luca Libre Death Match with Guns and possible exploding manikins filled with tacos.
Oh, a taco sounds good right now. I’m gonna get a beer…or 8.
— Javier DraVen 👁 #JoinDarkOrder (@WrestlingCovers) November 14, 2020
- Rory Fox & Rimjob vs Brian Myers & Swoggle: Swoggle wins via Bad Cut Rocket Launcher – Mint Chocolate Chip
- Frankie Coverdale vs Freight Train w/Ball Lameman: Freight Train wins via Chatanooga Choo Choo – Pure Crap
- Roll Undershed Match: Scott D’Amore is God – Cocaine Brownies
- George North vs Paul Lee: North wins via Monkey Wrench Magic Weapons – Nathan Orton’s Brother Hates this
- Chavo Guerrero, Watts, Koslov’s Bearded Mother, Taya Valkyrie, Sinn Bodhi & The Referee vs Chico el Luchador, Alex Koslov w/Gun, Zocray, JTG, Taylor Williamson & Brain Eating Zombie: Chavo died via Lightsaber – 3 Emilio Estevezes
- Ball for a Ball Match: Chadd 2 Badd vs Sex Ferguson: Fuck you the Cocktorturer World Order wins – Kill Me to Death that was Great
Karl shows up complaining it’s the same place, Rocky shows up in a Power Wheels Jeep and they see Vernon Love and the fat chick making out under the ring STILL. LUKE GALLOWS IS A CGI Genie…and having a threesome with a manikin named Randal.
Sex Ferguson shows up in a truck with foam middle fingers and ready for the Ball for a Ball match. But RetriPOOPtion shows up! RetriPOOPtion…apparently farts…or sharts while doing any kind of movement, and they lay out Sex Ferguson with a swift kick to the balls. Now we cut to Rocky, Karl and CGI Genie Gallows.
Rory Fox & Rimjob vs Brian Myers & Swoggle
Rory comes out to talk about basking in his package and how buy rates went up because of his package. I think the best thing about this was the fact that commentary talked all over the promo, even by saying it took like 8 takes. Veiny triumphant cock is definitely a sentence I didn’t expect to ever hear. The lack of fucks given adds charm to the crap level of this show. So the Horniest Swoggle slaps down, but Naked RimJob comes out to back up Rory Fox! Swoggle fears Rimjob, it’s gonna be the new shirt.
Rory and Myers hit the ring after Swoggle hits the ball shot, Myers has the advantage and goes full Matt Cardona comeback! Apparently Rory screwed up one of the spots, and Karl just peels the curtain all the way back. Nut shots, awkwardness, a very slow ascent to the top for Swoggle, Myers is helping him and then WOW! 3 Jump Cuts and a missed frame later! TADPOLE SPLASH or something. Swoggle wins.
Post-match Rory acts like he’s consoling the naked Rimjob, just to bamboozle him with a Naked Belly to Belly. The Rory goes to get a Dog Collar and starts walking and beating him…I don’t…wow. One brown streak and a dog collar later we’re at least on to the next segment.
WRESTLING DETECTIVE GREGORY HELMS! He shows up to investigate a murder! But Lazer has a Roll Undershed match later! Why is there a dead body that isn’t John E Bravo! Wait wrong show.
Frankie Coverdale vs Freight Train w/Ball Lameman
IT’S CHOO CHOO TIME! He’s a Ball Lameman guy! Gallows refers to this as Mystery Science Wrestling, and nothing is more perfect than that.
Massive right hands from the train that weighs freight! He’s a mountain of a man with fists of granite! Frankie can do nothing, his strikes are futile as the monster just engulfs the attempts at offense and spits him back out. Three point stance and a runaway train velocity elbow leaves Frankie unconscious in the ring. Freight Train is unmatched in skill and strength!
Gregory Helms starts questioning the Hunting Rifle Referee, but gets confused, frustrated and walks off.
Chico and Chavo with dueling video promos with the rhetoric of 7th grade children. Lucha Libre Death Match hype! Chico raises the stakes to being a death match, TO THE DEATH! TEAMS VIA LOTTERY!
We than get Sami Callihan and Madman Fulton…holding hands a pool…while Gregory Helms arrives. Sami has a great line of “We’re just two friends hanging out holding hands, is there something wrong with that”. OH NO! But as Helms turns around Fulton and Sami are dead…holding hands.
TEDDY LONG OUT TO ANNOUNCE THE ROLL UNDERSHED MATCH!
Roll Undershed Match
So…it looks like if Soul Train was white, carny and backyard wrestling. Apparently you need to be between the lines of wrestlers to be legal opponents. Lariatoman and Vernon Love start off, but it quickly breaks down. I mean this show is awful, so of course it breaks down. Lazer comes out of a tree; this is crazy, OH WAIT! THERE’S RHYNO! AND TOMMY DREAMER! AND…JUSTIN CREDIBLE!
As the ECW legends square off, Rhyno has a great idea. They’ve been doing hardcore for 25 years…how about…SOFTCORE! They pull inflatable pool toys and stuffed animals out of a trash can. Dreamer complains Rhyno hit him with the plastic part of the beach ball, then tells Rhyno to Gore someone at the buffet. Credible says he’s tired to he lays down, Dreamer sanitizes first, gets the pinfall and screams “I WENT OVER”.
WAIT! THE PINFALL DOESN’T MATTER! Behind him is a cross of La Parka and Max Moon and chokes out Dreamer! It’s revealed to be…Scott D’Amore! When asked why he says “If you ever had to be in a fucking booking meeting with this idiot, then you’d know”! The jobbers chant “give us jobs” and D’Amore stomps away screaming “somebody choke ME out”.
Nature Boy Paul Lee – NO! It’s Noxtista, Nathan Orton, Triple Huh? And Paul Lee comes out! Full Evolution parody, and if I hear the song right…they’re…Circumcision? Is that really a mystery?
After a brief cut to commentary, Triple Huh? Finds actual Mark Jindrak. Jindrak gets some cathartic words telling a short version of how he got kicked out of Evolution and Dropkicks Triple Huh?.
George North vs Paul Lee
Noxtista and Nathan Orton come out with Paul Lee, Noxtista gets into the ring to lift the ropes for Paul and he trips! Oh the shame! After Dick-o-lution, Rocky and Karl remind LG the group name is actual Circumcision so I was right! Haha.
After some awful bumps, bad repositioning and dodges that make no sense, Paul Lee hits the patented Figure Four, but Stump Kowalski comes out with a Steel Chair! After taking forever, he slowly positions himself to hit Paul Lee, but then the Chair changes to a barbwire bat and then as he brings it down it’s a Monkey Wrench!
Noxtista is embarrassed so he turns on Paul Lee and hits the NOXTISTA BOMB! Then Nathan Orton with the Punt! Circumcision is no more!
Balls Deep Billy teaches Gregory Helms about Tinder. Now we need him to have a conversation with Chris Platt! Helms finds Robert Gibson, and there is apparently no Ricky Morton!
Team Draft for the Lucha Libre Death Match!
Chavo Guerrero, Watts, Koslov’s Bearded Mother, Taya Valkyrie, Sinn Bodhi & The Referee vs Chico el Luchador, Alex Koslov w/Gun, Zocray, JTG, Taylor Williamson & Brain Eating Zombie
WOW! Okay there was a lot that went on here, references like when Sinn and JTG fought, Sinn was the first out and JTG commented it was shorter than his run in New York. But like, wow. Taya looked great, Chavo beat Chico into having a Real Gimmicks animated episode dream with nZo. Then Taylor Williamson showed back up with a real lightsaber from Amazon Prime to kill Chavo. Chris Van Vilet and everyone else walk out, Vilet calls it the Talk’N Shop-A-Mania Zone or something, wow. Just…just…wow.
— Javier DraVen 👁 #JoinDarkOrder (@WrestlingCovers) November 14, 2020
Helms meets up with Air Paris in front of a Babershop window. Helms gets put through the window by someone Rocky implies is Marty Janetty.
Ball for a Ball Match: Chadd 2 Badd vs Sex Ferguson
This stupid comments they made during the match, Larry D being one of Sex’s cousins, killing RetriPOOPtion and throwing shade at WWE writers. Sami Callihan, Alex Koslov and Madman Fulton came back as Zombies, Chadd ran over the fat chick Vernon Love was getting sweaty with since the first show, Gallows’ wife and Annie Cruz call them out for this bullshit, KARATE MAN shows up to save them from Zombies, then Karate Man reveals he was sent by the Cock Torturer, and he demands more torture. Stang takes the Baseball Bat to balls, Mr. Hughes and Vincent, Scott Steiner, and the Faces of Fear show up and rip their dicks off. So both Sex and Chadd lose.
Show ends with the Cock Torturer at the table with his group, Scott D’Amore seems to have signed off on all of this, and we get a little more Steiner math with Karate Man as the rigid straight man in the comedy scene.
Overall Score: Elevent-no…that’s 4 beers and a wine bottle, oh who took my left sock?/10
God this was beyond worse than the first one, but also amazing. Running with the gimmick, this was a terrible pile of shit. But I find myself enjoying their stuff more and more since the restraints came off and they felt like putting themselves out there. This definitely felt like a Sharknado movie where the cameos got to bit a bit much to keep up with, but between Clint Bobski and Matt Cardona challenging Rory Fox to a Tuxedo match for Talk’N Shop-A-Mania 3, it’s just nice to see more blending of personalities from other companies than Impact and technically New Japan with Rocky and Koslov.
The Good Brothers understand how to deliver comedy when the product is expected to be a parody. This is obviously just a product for internet fans who like the winks to insider things and the nostalgia aspects of certain random pop ups from the past, but it seemed to have worked once; and I can’t forsee this being much worse on the money side. Maybe Karl can get some of the CGI Genie fuck money.
Just…tell Gallows to throw away that sex swing…or bleach it…with a fire hose.