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Impact Quickie #6

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My apologies for getting this out late. Human interaction headed into a weekend is rare. The robots understand. I hope my readers and Twitter followers do as well. Let’s find out if there was anything interesting coming from the last episode of Impact Wrestling.

As marks may remember, this was the first television out of Orlando since Redemption. My boys and I felt weird from the opening bell when Trevor Lee faced Brian Cage. “How can you be the head of a two-person cult?” PC Little Dragon laughs. Cage was dominant in the 6-way X-Division Match at the PPV. Of course, he was dominant here. The Cult Leader got a small amount of offense in the ring. His decent flurry was on the outside, but it wasn’t enough. The Machine went over with a Discus Lariat and a Drill Claw. Cage’s movement and strength evoked a Kerry Von Erich comparison from Commentator Don Callis. Physically, this is understandable, especially when new old-school marks watch the man deliver a Discus Clothesline. Very faint shades of the former NWA Champion are visible. Even I smile when I see it. However, Kerry still has an emotional connection with fans across the globe 25 years after his passing. The kid won’t touch that.

The Owl’s next segment is a recap of the 6-Man Hardcore Rules Match from Redemption. Quick refresher: Eddie Edwards has had a very personal issue with Sami Callihan & OVE for weeks. After The Ohio Funhouse’s treatment of both Eddie and his wife, no fans following this storyline were blaming him for any emotional reaction surrounding this match. Based on happenings at the PPV and the fallout, the former wolf has gone off the deep end. Manifestations continued as Edwards called the trio out again, even after winning last Sunday. AI Hercules is exacerbated. “Bad enough there’s a low-budget vibe to this place, but why do organizations have a need to flip scripts to keep programs going when they should be done?”  On the video board in the arena, we see Edwards’ wife in her hospital room after HE HIMSELF struck her in a blind rage at Redemption? Sometimes writers are stupid, and they make me HATE wrestling! The original psycho, Sami Callihan is now a bloody mess who just wants to apologize? Eddie sees his wife in “danger” and flies to the “hospital” to attack Callihan and get arrested for his trouble. As a mark for decades, this concept is rare and drives me crazy. Phrased simpler: If something appears resolved, why turn it into Hart/Austin? This feud isn’t on the same level. Sheep, prepare to keep pulling your hair out.

Now for a partially understandable soap opera. Braxton Sutter tried to cut an in-ring promo. Does anybody wanna see this dude in his current form? Does anybody take him seriously? I don’t know whether to feel sorry for the dude or throw up listening to him. Moose came out to put The Walking Wedding Proposal out of his misery and did so relatively quickly. The odd thing about this match was later confirmed by geeks all over the Internet Wrestling Community. It was Braxton Sutter’s final match in Impact for the foreseeable future. Afterward, the former Offensive Lineman took the mic to run down Austin Aries and remind New Impact World Champion Pentagon Jr. of his presence. This Action fits perfectly after The Golden Vegan’s sham of a State of The Union Address that kicked off the show.

Late act recess finds Taya Valkyrie tangling with Champion Allie for Knockouts Gold. Is there a practical reason why Su Yung lost at Redemption? Anyway, the match on television was nothing more than a showcase for Taya’s professionalism. Johnny’s Better Half lost clean from a Superkick and a Code Breaker. Lucha Royalty’s defeat wasn’t the point of the segment. As soon as Allie stands up from her victory, spooky music is accompanied by lights out, yikes! Six female zombies could be seen carrying a coffin. The Paula Bearers set it down at the base of the ring. “Why are these girls impersonating Calloway’s daughters? There is one Dead Angel in wrestling and Jacobs’ Monster knows who she is.” PC Little Dragon says with a smile in his voice. Back to programming. Lights come up to find Su Yung behind Allie! The Undead Bride begins beating The Knockouts Champion up and threatens to put her in the coffin. LIGHTS OUT AGAIN! Rosemary is here to protect her friend! After an EPIC stare down and quick exchange, it’s pitch black for a final time, allowing Su Yung to escape!

Heading backstage, we see someone laid out after being attacked. What could a red flag with a black X possibly mean? Jump to The LAX Clubhouse minus Konnan. We are to infer that he was the one assaulted. Naturally, a void in leadership translates into a frazzled LAX with split agendas. The former champs invoked their rematch clause after losing The Impact Tag Team Gold.  In a mild surprise, the straps belong to Eli Drake & Scott Steiner. The Self-Induced Hyphen and Ham Cube still have The Gold because of distracted challengers. This just got interesting, stay tuned. Last week’s festivities concluded with four athletes and a ton of Gold in the ring, including Austin Aries and Pentagon Jr. The curtain falls and we’ll see everybody next week

 

 

 

 

 


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CheapShots: Mad Man’s Impact Quickie #9

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Scott Steiner Impact Wrestling
Cheap Shots are unfiltered, uncensored opinions, and those opinions reflect only the author!

Festivities in Orlando kick off with a normalizing Josh Matthews and a contest for Impact Tag Team Gold. Eli Drake brought Scott Steiner back this week. At first, he was a curiosity and name to bring the company some exposure throughout a week of shows in New Orleans. Wanna bring him in? Gotta give him a strap. Due to the overflowing garbage last week, I didn’t get a good feel for his current skills. That’s because they have severely diminished. Opponents for the transitional champions? Andrew Everett & DJZ. These boys have been through a myriad of injuries, including a life-threatening issue for Mr. House Music. The match itself was not bad with The Self-Induced Hyphen in the ring. Ham Cube on the other hand? He is multiple steps slow and if he couldn’t cut his unpredictable promos, no organization would have use for him. Predictably, the honeymoon between Drake and Steiner was short. The above description may have given away the outcome. Thanks to a misplaced namesake of this website, there are New Tag Team Champions in Impact Wrestling.

Cut backstage and we see Grado holding the X symbol of the unknown attacker. Like an idiot, The UK Dork accuses Jimmy Jacobs and Kongo Kong of perpetrating these events. Jacobs says his Monster doesn’t need to do such things. As if the nerd’s foot wasn’t already in his mouth, his “girlfriend” Winter finished the job by challenging The Giant Stutter to a match. Yes, you Impact Tools, I’m using her other name. Contrary to what some of my readers may think, I have a sense of humor. When something borders on painful, I have no reason to laugh. That’s what Grado’s character feels like to me. The match was filler. The girlfriend was gone before her self-appointed victim was scraped off the canvas. Thank God Moose ran out to do away with this foolishness. Of course The Dragged Out Disco backed his heavy away from a real fight.

Recess is next as we bring in Madison Rayne to talk Knockouts! It has been years since most fans have seen the former TNA competitor over the airwaves. She was a consistent heel during her previous run. Still, Impact is not afraid to be innovative in certain areas. If this is a permanent alteration, it will be nice to hear the feminine perspective during these segments. I strongly doubt that possibility. I’ll get to why I think that shortly. Kiera Hogan wanted a shot to wake up The Horsewoman. Problem was, Ms. Blanchard was never asleep. The Girl on Fire acquitted herself well in spots, but who’s getting the justified gigantic push here? Tessa’s attitude and ability were too much. A victory was not satisfaction enough for the newest Knockout. She wanted to send a message to the locker room. Hogan’s excessive punishment brought Rayne out from studio commentary to the ring. Tully’s Daughter bailed after taking a tiny bit of her medicine. Sadly, this will not be an even fight when it happens. It would be interesting if it could be turned into one somehow. Madison may get an active roster spot from this, but she is taking the Mickie James role. Good worker, no gold. My feeling is, she was brought in to pad Tessa’s resume. If I’m wrong I can walk.

We know Brian Cage is a freak. This week, he was playing lawn darts with a Rust Belt Cruiserweight in Canada, Dude is beyond strong and has multiple ways to finish an adversary. This quality in a performer feels exceedingly rare. The overwhelming majority of those in the profession are given one finish and work toward it in every instance. There are usually false finishes somewhere on a competitive resume. This hasn’t been the case with The Machine because he has at least three finishers. After having some fun, Cage gave his target practice at least two bumps that looked like they could shoot hospitalize someone, he used a maneuver called Weapon X to collect another pelt. He gets back to The Impact Zone, everyone may be on borrowed time.

Alright, time for the dentist’s office. Dammit, wasn’t I just here? Anybody have any laughing gas? Deep breath, Eddie Edwards and Sami Callihan were under one roof because goofs in Orlando are mirroring their own storyline and acting like crazy stalkers. The roof was Tommy Dreamer’s House of Hardcore. The camera angles sucked. Why do 90% of indie shows have to feel like they happen in my former apartment’s garage? Lighting anyone? I don’t even think either man bladed, which is pointless in a match like this. Edwards won in less than ten minutes and none of it matters because Edwards said so. Looks like someone called this weeks ago. Why do execs in the art form keep coming off as more sheepish than the rest of us? Unfortunately, the extraction is not complete. I will not report on the next vignette because Rosemary is not dead.

Main Event time! This Week it was a tag team encounter highlighting two major Championship Defenses in two weeks at the next television special. Matches break down as follows: X Division, Matt Sydal faces The Son of The Ghost. Impact World Champion Pentagon Jr. has his mandatory rematch against Austin Aries. Teams were split with Impact representatives versus the luchadores from AAA. The Ghost’s Son got the victory with a move he calls The Thrill of The Kill. Frankly, I like his chances at Gold. Though, I’m not as confident in Pentagon Jr. Ever since The Cockroach’s dismissal, the company needed a stopgap and it is difficult to think of him as anything else right now. I hope to be proven wrong and I’m happy for his exposure to a mainstream American audience. We deserve to see more of what he can do. Overall, Impact is doing a solid creative job currently outside of the two trips to kindergarten purgatory involving a casket and worked non-firing.


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CheapShots: We Shouldn’t Do This on An Empty Stomach

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New Day WWE Smackdown
Cheap Shots are unfiltered, uncensored opinions, and those opinions reflect only the author!

I was stuck in customs at Heathrow Monday afternoon. Brits have no clue what to make of a mechanical ass! Found a quick transport to O2 and a good bottle of scotch. Didn’t have time for Big Ben or Buckingham Palace. My body clock’s all kinds of screwed up. I was supposed to meet Regal at an English Pub for a crash course in British history of the art form. Agents from Scotland Yard made it impossible. Did I mention I hate metal detectors? Delays meant missing out on Monday Night Raw. I was able to make SmackDown Live. Gotta be quick. This is London. Not Canada, but it’s still its own shade of weird. Tip the bottle of scotch back and come along wankers!

We’re gonna do this in reverse because most of the promos led to interesting happenings and made sense. Start with Rene Young in the ring, calling out Daniel Bryan. Bless The Union Jack Crowd for literally hijacking this segment. She was trying to ask him questions about last week’s loss in his Money in The Bank Qualifier, and his emotional mindset. The crowd was so wired, Daniel had to take a mic and cut a solo promo to help her out. “…FEEL THAT!” Upon reflection, he said that happiness was adrenalizing his comeback and the loss brought him back to a competitive baseline. What is this? A logical athletic response from writers in WWE?  I’m shocked!

Unfortunately, this brought out Big Cass, cutting his typical obnoxious “I’m bigger than you” promo. Cass said the only reason he tapped out so fast at Backlash was, so he could get right to his feet and keep beating Daniel up. This side of the coin was only exposed briefly. Once it was flipped, the big man was involved with a wasp stinging the s*** out of him! Bryan went right after Cass’s vulnerable knee. First, wrapping it around the second steel cable and taking him to the mat. Then, putting him in a devastating heel hook. This forced Cass to tap. It didn’t matter. The only refs involved were trying to pull them apart. Good luck with that! Was Vince high last night?

Welcome to A Moonwalk better then the Fake Wrestler from Staten Island. Don’t worry, I’ll get to her too. AJ Styles and Shinsuke Nakamura cut opposing promos regarding their Main Event Tuesday night. Yes, it was a “give a PPV Match for free” kinda thing. However, this one had a purpose. Who are you and what have you done with Vince McMahon? The winner of this English Explosion got to pick the stipulation for their MITB Showdown and The Con Artist’s next shot at WWE Championship Gold. Surprisingly, the match itself had no actual nut shots but was still intense. These gentlemen have such an athletic connection that it was impossible for me to predict the outcome. Nakamura is so good at using his legs and his movement, it is almost pointless to watch the rest of him when he is within striking distance of an opponent. For A Stamford encounter, there were counters everywhere. Styles nearly jumped into the ref, allowing Nakamura to feign taking a low blow. This led to a second successful Kinshasha, and a Styles loss. The Artist Formerly Known as can now pick the match he wants at Money in The Bank

There was a unique twist in the next MITB Qualifier. Unique is a dinosaur in Stamford. The match was of the tag team variety. Though, only one member of the winning team could take part in The Name Sake match in The Windy City. Combatants: The New Day & The Bar. Miz was on commentary here. Why not? Mike will never be a baby face in my eyes. However, most sheep could see him as a tweener very soon. He suggested this single opportunity could lead to the breakup of The Modern Free Birds, I could see this possibility. Dammit, why is Mike sounding smart? Did somebody spike catering? Anyway, Xavier Woods is improving his skills in the ring. The shoot Brainiac scored the pin with an elbow from the top rope, making a path toward Singles Gold for one member of his team. As of writing this, we have no idea who will fill that spot.

Apparently, Paige’s retirement has turned the remaining members of Absolute Yawn into high school students. Don’t they know Little Miss Math Class is on RAW? This was the first of our GM’s two segments. Corey Graves’ Crush thought she was being handed an invitation for The Women’s MITB Match. Paige said both ladies would be given a chance to enter the contest in Chicago. The Jock thought that translated into a handicap match against Becky Lynch. Paige said no. The match would be a triple threat. Naturally, the individualistic goal attached to this match made it impractical to think the teammates could stick together. Mandy Rose knocked Sonya Deville from a pin and took The Disarmer for the loss, Those Predicting a losing streak for The Lass Kicker were wrong! My refusal to connect Carmella to anything related to wrestling enables me to drop this tidbit here. Since Miss No Revolution is just holding a belt, she needs another Mellabration because The Real Vince McMahon is an asshole. Thankfully, Paige put us out of our misery. Coming out to say Blondie Circus must defend SmackDown Women’s Gold at the PPV. Her opponent is The Rising Sun Mystic, Asuka. Vinnie’s Circus is hot shotting the s*** out of a PPV in JUNE! They must be careful coming out of it.

Be patient, I’ve got one glass left for four promos. Smart marks and sheep alike finally saw The Main Roster debut of Andrade “Cien” Almas and Zelina Vega. This was a squash. I don’t know much about The Former NXT Champion’s move set. He uses a running double-knee from corner to corner that looks like it can knock anybody out. His finish is a Hammer Lock DDT. My apologies Senior, no one else is The Snake! Let’s have some fun! I believe Ms. Vega comes to us with in-ring experience from Puerto Rico. I can tell you that she has an incredible look. She could probably cut an old-school heel promo in a blink. Fabulous mic skills. I can’t wait to see more of her!

Samoa Joe cut a random promo on Big Cass. Someone please wake me up when he does more than that. Cut backstage where Aiden English has a room full of merch to help his partner celebrate Rusev Day. The Songbird goes to hit his tagline when Lana cuts in. The Ravishing Russian has some interesting information. The Sexy Goth Chick put her in A Money in The Bank Qualifier versus Billie Kay! I’m partially torn because I am a big fan of all three of these ladies. The tear is shallow thanks to me knowing there is no way in Hell Lana is winning this match. The IIconics cut a great cell phone promo in response to this opportunity. I am slightly intrigued to see how this plays out. I am genuinely hopeful Vince is respectful of the statuesque Blonde. Not sure how much of this is the flowing spirit talking. I should sleep this off before flying the jet back to New York.


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CheapShots: Impact Quickie #8

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Mean Sami Callihan
Cheap Shots are unfiltered, uncensored opinions, and those opinions reflect only the author!

Apologies in advance, the robots are in the shop. My readers are stuck with my cynical joy of the art form for a while. Why are current promotions obsessed with dead horses? Smart marks might wonder why bookers with decades of alleged experience in terms of planning this stuff out look like third graders sometimes? Unfortunately, wrestling fans are stuck with storyboards from the mind of Forrest Gump instead of Picasso after the crayons have already been used. Crayons can be impossible to erase. “Stupid is as stupid does.” Do us a favor. QUIT doing stupid! Some of us are getting sick of: “Don’t like it, don’t watch” logic. It’s lazy, and all it has done is create fans like me that are constantly angry. Boys and girls, we should not feel like we are better qualified to do this job. Guess what? Some of us are actually that insane, and it’s YOUR FAULT! “Come on Booker Man!” Prove us wrong or get out!

Sadly, Impact is the biggest bastard child left in The American Carnival on the outskirts of The Last Great Circus. Outside the orbits of two or three PPVs a year, they don’t take themselves seriously at all. This makes it excessively difficult for marks to swim against the current. Nobody cares, it’s just a carnival, right? Keep this in mind as this week’s show opens with a deadpan Josh Matthews standing in studio bringing us news and footage of a recent attack on one of the newest additions to the company, GASP! Wait, less than a month ago this goofy prick was literally gifted Impact Gold and doing jumping jacks in a “match” with a world class athlete. Now we’re supposed to believe that he cares about his coworkers? Anybody else see the disconnect here? It’s okay, it’s just a joke anyway.

Don Callis was to receive an award after an Impact event in Toronto. There just happened to be a hard camera there? This doesn’t end well. Cue Yakety Sax. I do not laugh at a bleeding man. However, a barely talented performer who has been working to gain sheepish sympathy for two weeks only to have his coin flipped to tails AGAIN gets laughed at for two hours. Why am I pulling my hair out for the entirety of the show? Sami Callihan turns Mr. Callis into a hospital patient, attacking him during the acceptance speech because wrestling. Third graders, crayolas, and construction paper, oh my!

I wonder what happens because of this prefabricated atrocity? Well, let’s see. Sami’s fate is “thrown into question” after the assault. Matthews must fake concern and act like athletes were competing in a Sunday Morning Church for three quarters of the show. Where’s the Daffy Duck shotgun when you need it? First, PLEASE break the fourth wall: Who are these people eating pizza and drinking beer while pretending to discuss this fake outrage? Next, why do we have to fire someone the week after we put someone in a coffin? Finally, if The Bad Mullet was gonna get fired, I can walk. My colleagues and I could come up with better material in a month. Of course, the “Unsanctioned Match” is coming because Eddie Edwards demands to get his pound of flesh. If there is legitimate concern regarding a performer’s future with the company, why are we bombarded with it for 90 minutes? Mention it at the show’s onset. Make sure the dude signed his non-compete clause and shut up. It’s not like they haven’t shoot fired someone in the last six weeks. PS: If a match is truly “unsanctioned” and raises legal concerns, why is Impact Wrestling showing it next week? Normally, I would break down results and provide opinion on the rest of the action. If those in Dallas and Orlando honestly think we are stupider than Stamford does, what’s the point? Why do I care about the art form so much?

 


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