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Impact Quickie #6



My apologies for getting this out late. Human interaction headed into a weekend is rare. The robots understand. I hope my readers and Twitter followers do as well. Let’s find out if there was anything interesting coming from the last episode of Impact Wrestling.

As marks may remember, this was the first television out of Orlando since Redemption. My boys and I felt weird from the opening bell when Trevor Lee faced Brian Cage. “How can you be the head of a two-person cult?” PC Little Dragon laughs. Cage was dominant in the 6-way X-Division Match at the PPV. Of course, he was dominant here. The Cult Leader got a small amount of offense in the ring. His decent flurry was on the outside, but it wasn’t enough. The Machine went over with a Discus Lariat and a Drill Claw. Cage’s movement and strength evoked a Kerry Von Erich comparison from Commentator Don Callis. Physically, this is understandable, especially when new old-school marks watch the man deliver a Discus Clothesline. Very faint shades of the former NWA Champion are visible. Even I smile when I see it. However, Kerry still has an emotional connection with fans across the globe 25 years after his passing. The kid won’t touch that.

The Owl’s next segment is a recap of the 6-Man Hardcore Rules Match from Redemption. Quick refresher: Eddie Edwards has had a very personal issue with Sami Callihan & OVE for weeks. After The Ohio Funhouse’s treatment of both Eddie and his wife, no fans following this storyline were blaming him for any emotional reaction surrounding this match. Based on happenings at the PPV and the fallout, the former wolf has gone off the deep end. Manifestations continued as Edwards called the trio out again, even after winning last Sunday. AI Hercules is exacerbated. “Bad enough there’s a low-budget vibe to this place, but why do organizations have a need to flip scripts to keep programs going when they should be done?”  On the video board in the arena, we see Edwards’ wife in her hospital room after HE HIMSELF struck her in a blind rage at Redemption? Sometimes writers are stupid, and they make me HATE wrestling! The original psycho, Sami Callihan is now a bloody mess who just wants to apologize? Eddie sees his wife in “danger” and flies to the “hospital” to attack Callihan and get arrested for his trouble. As a mark for decades, this concept is rare and drives me crazy. Phrased simpler: If something appears resolved, why turn it into Hart/Austin? This feud isn’t on the same level. Sheep, prepare to keep pulling your hair out.

Now for a partially understandable soap opera. Braxton Sutter tried to cut an in-ring promo. Does anybody wanna see this dude in his current form? Does anybody take him seriously? I don’t know whether to feel sorry for the dude or throw up listening to him. Moose came out to put The Walking Wedding Proposal out of his misery and did so relatively quickly. The odd thing about this match was later confirmed by geeks all over the Internet Wrestling Community. It was Braxton Sutter’s final match in Impact for the foreseeable future. Afterward, the former Offensive Lineman took the mic to run down Austin Aries and remind New Impact World Champion Pentagon Jr. of his presence. This Action fits perfectly after The Golden Vegan’s sham of a State of The Union Address that kicked off the show.

Late act recess finds Taya Valkyrie tangling with Champion Allie for Knockouts Gold. Is there a practical reason why Su Yung lost at Redemption? Anyway, the match on television was nothing more than a showcase for Taya’s professionalism. Johnny’s Better Half lost clean from a Superkick and a Code Breaker. Lucha Royalty’s defeat wasn’t the point of the segment. As soon as Allie stands up from her victory, spooky music is accompanied by lights out, yikes! Six female zombies could be seen carrying a coffin. The Paula Bearers set it down at the base of the ring. “Why are these girls impersonating Calloway’s daughters? There is one Dead Angel in wrestling and Jacobs’ Monster knows who she is.” PC Little Dragon says with a smile in his voice. Back to programming. Lights come up to find Su Yung behind Allie! The Undead Bride begins beating The Knockouts Champion up and threatens to put her in the coffin. LIGHTS OUT AGAIN! Rosemary is here to protect her friend! After an EPIC stare down and quick exchange, it’s pitch black for a final time, allowing Su Yung to escape!

Heading backstage, we see someone laid out after being attacked. What could a red flag with a black X possibly mean? Jump to The LAX Clubhouse minus Konnan. We are to infer that he was the one assaulted. Naturally, a void in leadership translates into a frazzled LAX with split agendas. The former champs invoked their rematch clause after losing The Impact Tag Team Gold.  In a mild surprise, the straps belong to Eli Drake & Scott Steiner. The Self-Induced Hyphen and Ham Cube still have The Gold because of distracted challengers. This just got interesting, stay tuned. Last week’s festivities concluded with four athletes and a ton of Gold in the ring, including Austin Aries and Pentagon Jr. The curtain falls and we’ll see everybody next week






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