My apologies for getting this out late. Human interaction headed into a weekend is rare. The robots understand. I hope my readers and Twitter followers do as well. Let’s find out if there was anything interesting coming from the last episode of Impact Wrestling.
As marks may remember, this was the first television out of Orlando since Redemption. My boys and I felt weird from the opening bell when Trevor Lee faced Brian Cage. “How can you be the head of a two-person cult?” PC Little Dragon laughs. Cage was dominant in the 6-way X-Division Match at the PPV. Of course, he was dominant here. The Cult Leader got a small amount of offense in the ring. His decent flurry was on the outside, but it wasn’t enough. The Machine went over with a Discus Lariat and a Drill Claw. Cage’s movement and strength evoked a Kerry Von Erich comparison from Commentator Don Callis. Physically, this is understandable, especially when new old-school marks watch the man deliver a Discus Clothesline. Very faint shades of the former NWA Champion are visible. Even I smile when I see it. However, Kerry still has an emotional connection with fans across the globe 25 years after his passing. The kid won’t touch that.
The Owl’s next segment is a recap of the 6-Man Hardcore Rules Match from Redemption. Quick refresher: Eddie Edwards has had a very personal issue with Sami Callihan & OVE for weeks. After The Ohio Funhouse’s treatment of both Eddie and his wife, no fans following this storyline were blaming him for any emotional reaction surrounding this match. Based on happenings at the PPV and the fallout, the former wolf has gone off the deep end. Manifestations continued as Edwards called the trio out again, even after winning last Sunday. AI Hercules is exacerbated. “Bad enough there’s a low-budget vibe to this place, but why do organizations have a need to flip scripts to keep programs going when they should be done?” On the video board in the arena, we see Edwards’ wife in her hospital room after HE HIMSELF struck her in a blind rage at Redemption? Sometimes writers are stupid, and they make me HATE wrestling! The original psycho, Sami Callihan is now a bloody mess who just wants to apologize? Eddie sees his wife in “danger” and flies to the “hospital” to attack Callihan and get arrested for his trouble. As a mark for decades, this concept is rare and drives me crazy. Phrased simpler: If something appears resolved, why turn it into Hart/Austin? This feud isn’t on the same level. Sheep, prepare to keep pulling your hair out.
Now for a partially understandable soap opera. Braxton Sutter tried to cut an in-ring promo. Does anybody wanna see this dude in his current form? Does anybody take him seriously? I don’t know whether to feel sorry for the dude or throw up listening to him. Moose came out to put The Walking Wedding Proposal out of his misery and did so relatively quickly. The odd thing about this match was later confirmed by geeks all over the Internet Wrestling Community. It was Braxton Sutter’s final match in Impact for the foreseeable future. Afterward, the former Offensive Lineman took the mic to run down Austin Aries and remind New Impact World Champion Pentagon Jr. of his presence. This Action fits perfectly after The Golden Vegan’s sham of a State of The Union Address that kicked off the show.
Late act recess finds Taya Valkyrie tangling with Champion Allie for Knockouts Gold. Is there a practical reason why Su Yung lost at Redemption? Anyway, the match on television was nothing more than a showcase for Taya’s professionalism. Johnny’s Better Half lost clean from a Superkick and a Code Breaker. Lucha Royalty’s defeat wasn’t the point of the segment. As soon as Allie stands up from her victory, spooky music is accompanied by lights out, yikes! Six female zombies could be seen carrying a coffin. The Paula Bearers set it down at the base of the ring. “Why are these girls impersonating Calloway’s daughters? There is one Dead Angel in wrestling and Jacobs’ Monster knows who she is.” PC Little Dragon says with a smile in his voice. Back to programming. Lights come up to find Su Yung behind Allie! The Undead Bride begins beating The Knockouts Champion up and threatens to put her in the coffin. LIGHTS OUT AGAIN! Rosemary is here to protect her friend! After an EPIC stare down and quick exchange, it’s pitch black for a final time, allowing Su Yung to escape!
Heading backstage, we see someone laid out after being attacked. What could a red flag with a black X possibly mean? Jump to The LAX Clubhouse minus Konnan. We are to infer that he was the one assaulted. Naturally, a void in leadership translates into a frazzled LAX with split agendas. The former champs invoked their rematch clause after losing The Impact Tag Team Gold. In a mild surprise, the straps belong to Eli Drake & Scott Steiner. The Self-Induced Hyphen and Ham Cube still have The Gold because of distracted challengers. This just got interesting, stay tuned. Last week’s festivities concluded with four athletes and a ton of Gold in the ring, including Austin Aries and Pentagon Jr. The curtain falls and we’ll see everybody next week
Mad Man’s Spinal Tap & 20 Questions
Back to back weeks we see the Mad Man come to play in our sandbox. Does this article go to 11? Are the retread concepts, just hollow nowadays?
Back to back weeks we see the Mad Man come to play in our sandbox! Does this article go to 11?
When you have decades of experience watching the art form, your eyes and thought processes change. It’s the reason my colleagues can break down pending news and angles we haven’t seen yet. Mr. Meltzer made a cottage industry out of it. A ton of people on The Internet are trying to follow suit. Then, there are fans like me. As much as I love twitter, Professional Wrestling fans were never meant to receive “spoilers” every day.
This is NOT a “Back in my day…” thing. My eyes have changed too. However, I am focused more on WWE’s calendar when watching Stamford’s offering. If I think about wrestling. it’s very simple. My suspension of disbelief is gone for very few performers. In fact, I would say it’s gone for most fans. If we know it’s a work, why are scripts and outcomes still based on the assumption that we don’t? If I have seen a gimmick before, I am VERY hard to impress. Make me believe you can beat somebody; and stand out doing so, or I will chew you up and spit you the Hell out.
For those who say I should keep my mouth shut because I can’t perform and never have, I DON’T CARE! Saint Dave gets a pass, and y’all still watch the current product like his lap dogs and clones, despite “knowing’ the outcome? I don’t watch for the outcome anymore. Based on character development and pushes, I can see that coming. Call me a hypocrite and I will play 20 Questions with you. Can you get me to the finish line without looking like an idiot or a laughable copy of someone else?
Su Yung is 5’6’’ish. Marks and sheep world wide are transfixed and petrified? Make up aside, why? She is impersonating three legends with no unique move set and doing it very badly. Without her zombies, can she beat anybody? Mr. Calloway used druids. He was 6’10’’ and did not need them to kick your ass. Mick Foley put himself and you through HELL before using The Mandible Claw. You had no choice but to take it. The Great Muta was arguably the best Rising Sun performer of all time. He had a move set most American fans had never seen before. The Mist was believable in his hands because audience and opponent were spinning trying to keep up with him. Where is Su Yung’s Mysticism? As much as fans love her, there are no OMG moments in her matches, and her gimmick is predicated on them.
She is far from the only example. Twitter went crazy about a month ago because a top name on the indies put something in her opponent’s mouth during a match. Outside of a prison fight, when would this EVER HAPPEN? Why is this necessary? If this is a work, why would any girl allow someone to do this? Tell me why either woman gets hired again without the parrot response? Same question applies to Joseph. Dude ain’t pickin’ up anybody like that in real life. I dare him to pick my wheelchair up with his finish. He would be in traction.
Tony Schiavone is our crazy wrestling fan uncle. Our memories of him when we were kids and teenagers all ROCK! He is without question one of the best to ever call the action. God Bless Conrad Flair for bringing him back to the art form. Among other fun stuff, he now does commentary for MLW. With tongue firmly planted in cheek; I must say, I have a slight problem with him. I understand that it is his job. He continues to put MJF over because?? I get the gimmick. It’s just OLD! He is ripping off The Miz. One look at him, and you can see that. “I have more money than you.” So did DiBiase. And if you did, you wouldn’t need the $50.00 a night you made before Tony started calling your matches because you’d be paying him. Just wait until Mike retires before you go to New York.
Finally, we arrive at the biggest tent. Vinnie’s circus was on The West Coast in The House of Hot Rod & Billy Jack Haynes. Sheep under 25 are now asking a three-worded question. The only help you’ll get from me is to say that he may have been the father of Modern Independent Wrestling. Sometimes, it wasn’t his choice, and he is still fighting demons today.
Back to this week. Didn’t Spinal Tap all stand in the Center Ring around a month ago and do a babyface promo? “It’s our fault. We’ll do better for you. This is YOUR product.” First, I believe Stephanie as a babyface as much as I believe Saint Richard as a babyface. Shut up and go home as a shoot. Second, as big a moron as Vince is, he’s NOT leaving the person carrying the big top out of WrestleMania! Outside of the obvious, Becky’s leg is a work. SHE WAS LIMPING ON THE WRONG ONE ON MONDAY! Seth Rollins is hurt as a shoot. He WASN’T at Monday Night Raw. If Becky wasn’t cleared, she wouldn’t be on either show. So WHY is everybody going apes*** over this?
Sometimes, I can’t tell which group is Spinal Tap?
Is it the group on stage or the sheep who believe what they’re watching? I truly wish this art form was treated more like real competition.
Mad Man’s Consequences Of Sainthood
Does the lineage of Saint Ric need no explanation?
It’s been a while since Mad Man has landed his Sea Duck in our waters. He has a Flair for gold and the bold! Let’s see where this goes.
Let’s see if I remember how to do this. The Internet Wrestling Community has not seen this from me in months. Something BIG had to happen to get me out of hiding.
I’d say this week at Vinnie’s Circus certainly qualifies. If you’re expecting me to wax poetic about the dudes, take some Nyquil and go back to sleep. The Royal Rumble is both brilliant and flawed at the same time. And yes, it is about effing time the ladies got their shot to steal the show. Although, it can be quite successfully argued, they do so on a nightly basis already. All did a fabulous job last year. Including my girl; Lady Banks, going well past an hour over two nights. Drawing The Shawn Michaels Slot at #1, And then, making a beeline to the ring for a nose-to-nose promo with The Female Muta, Asuka.
The Female Dragon had two words echoing through Philadelphia to kick off Monday Night: “I’M READY!” Those who saw the full confrontation know she was. Who was her opposition in the desert again? The thought of The Rumble being flawed is not new. Especially when its ultimate goal is taken into account. Win the damn thing and Main Event The Showcase of The Immortals! Wait, what did I just say? Back to that shortly.
Blemishes in the execution of this concept make their first appearance innocently enough. The victor in this contest is not based on who participates in it. The Champions headed into WrestleMania dictate the finish. What results from algebra like this? Simple, in most years over 80% of the field is background noise. Most of the time, smarks and sheep alike have a pretty good idea who’s headed to Mania. Overwhelmingly, we don’t mind as long as we get a great match. This changes when the feminine equivalent of Mike Tyson shows up on Vinnie’s doorstep, signs a convoluted contract, and just might bail after the biggest show of the year. Storyline and logic; what little there is in this art form we love, take a beating when Vinnie says Tyson MUST face Holyfield before she runs off to have kids and turn into Brock Lesnar.
What the Hell does he do with the Female Connor McGregor?
The BEST organic baby face in the industry this decade. He turned into Helen Keller on Monday Night. No, you little prick! I am in the wheelchair. You are not disabled! Did he see or feel the crowd in Phoenix? I certainly did. In fact, my neighbors knocked on my apartment door to ask if I was alright. That’s how loud I was. Vince, you haven’t had an honest crowd reaction like that in 20 years, and you wanna pollute it? “Jesus, she wasn’t supposed to be here. You mean these fans AREN’T sheep?” Don’t worry Vince, they’re still sheep and this is still all about Flair and McMahon, DAMMIT! For those laughing at me and saying it’s a work; guess what? It doesn’t have to feel like a work!
I started feeling like something was different about Professional Wrestling in the late ‘80s, when nobody could kick Ric Flair’s ass and get rid of him. First switch of NWA Gold I remember? Ronnie Garvin taking out Flair in Detroit, 1988. As an eight-year-old, I was hardly thinking about math. Why does this matter? Garvin had The Gold six weeks. He had one Title Defense at the end of that window, against Ric Flair. Guess who won? Everybody does cartwheels over his trilogy with The Dragon in 1989, not me. Don’t get me wrong, phenomenal matches, but Ric Flair was always walking out with Championship Gold. Hey Ric, the art itself was a work. Why show us The Gold was too? Spanning from 1984 and Kerry Von Erich to 1993 And Barry Windham, Ric Flair was GIVEN no less than five runs with NWA Gold or its equal because he was Saint Richard Flair isn’t the only idiot in the modern art. During his last holy act with Ricky Steamboat, Vincent Kennedy McMahon walks into a New Jersey courtroom and gigs the business hard way. Exposing it simply because he doesn’t wanna pay taxes on an authentic sporting event. Excuse every child under ten at the time? THANKS VINCE!
Two years later, WWF Gold was held up. How does he deal with this? First, let’s bring Ric Flair in because those in charge of WCW were absolute MORONS! Wait, Vinnie can’t have Hulk Hogan pinned in 1992. “It’s okay, we’ll put Gold on the line at The Royal Rumble. Winner gets The Strap!” Awesome, a boatload of great performers! Did ANYBODY really think Ric Flair wasn’t winning this match? HELL, Hogan pulled Sid Justice out from the floor! At least Flair won in 1992. Flash forward almost three decades. If the concept is, “Winner gets choice of Champion at WrestleMania” Why is Sid Justice going to Main Event Mania FROM THE FLOOR? Hey ass****, if you NEED Tyson/Holyfield, do the Bret/Luger finish! Becky WON the match! Here’s an idea, every televised event from here to Mania is held in an empty arena until we are given a collective Heimlich Maneuver to expel Ashley from our systems. The WWE Universe would never do this because sheep love this circus. If this stands, The Women’s Royal Rumble has jumped the shark just two years in. Vince, we know it’s a work.
Why must you insist on making it THIS! Give Asuka to Ashley. You don’t need to verify Charlotte Flair’s Sainthood. Sasha Banks has seen it three times.