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CheapShots: Impact Quickie #10

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Allie Impact Wrestling

Fault lines in Orlando continued to fluctuate at a typical pace for Impact Wrestling. Thankfully, Don Callis was back on commentary. Although, the storyline that produced his recent injuries is still being needlessly perpetrated by third-graders, including Callis himself. The show’s opening match was just window dressing for a feud that won’t die. It feels like bookers don’t even try to think anymore. “We have nothing for Sami Callihan, but we’re still paying him so let’s keep flipping this roadkill as often as we can.” Why is Alicia Edwards continuously brought in to appear helpless? Why was she taking the kendo stick shot a month ago? It was one thing to bring her in to compete opposite Angelina Love. Don’t use her like this.

Nothing Impact is doing with this storyline can make me care about it. Congratulations Mr. Edwards, you have gone from being a top independent athlete to a glorified hooker.

We enter the less psychotic portion of the program with a tag match that came from simple origins. LAX has been struggling recently thanks to a void in leadership. Trevor Lee & Caleb Konley ran into Santana & Ortiz after The Latinos suffered their second straight loss. The “Cult” members challenged them to a rematch. This time, without Konnan backing them up like he was weeks ago. The contest was relatively even, including a fight on the outside of the ring. Despite the coin flip nature of things, LAX lost their third match in a row and the dejection was obvious. Surprisingly, most of this week’s promos and vignettes look like they will lead to interesting developments.

Let’s start with a very agitated LAX back at their clubhouse in a rather destructive mood. Suddenly, a voice of reason can be heard. This is Eddie Kingston, informing the crew that Konnan is alright and currently residing with Homicide in a safehouse. Fans have not seen Senior Jamaica for quite a while. We have no idea if this is a swerve device for down the road. Though, it is nice to see new blood that will move things forward. With that information tucked away, we go backstage for an interview with DJZ & Andrew Everett. Shock of shocks, the new Tag Team Champions are interrupted by Scott Steiner. The Roided Up Redneck can barely get through his promo. Eli Drake runs in, doing his best to hold his pit bull back. Dude, you know that’s Scott Steiner, right?

As the tag champs are visibly amused, I can’t help but wonder if The Self-Induced Hyphen can keep his hired gun from going off long enough to get his rematch for The Gold? Sadly, there was no recess this week. However, Madison Rayne was interviewed regarding her issues with Tessa Blanchard. She was unable to get three sentences out before The Horsewoman herself came in to play the “stay-at-home mom” card. Daddy taught you well young lady.

Later, we see a video package with Knockouts Champion Allie assuming some of the midnight characteristics of her missing protector. It seems the leader of The Hivelings left a note for her bunny. “Don’t let the darkness consume you…” Allie’s response? “I know you don’t want me to do this, but it’s something I have to do.” Keep in mind, Rosemary is NOT dead! The Bunny’s challenge might be coming from a character in a bad horror movie. I still don’t like her chances to retain Gold. Impact brought the zombie in. They must shove her down our throats.

Both Knockouts contests will take place next week. Our final promo of the night finds Kongo Kong and Jimmy Jacobs rehashing their beatdown of Grado. Reminding Moose that interjecting himself last week was a bad move. This was the last time we would see The Dragged-Out Disco standing upright…

Apparently, I was misinformed last week. Just a smark folks, not a true insider. My apologies if people are actually disappointed to learn this. Get a life! The showdown with Matt Sydal and El Hijo Del Fantasma for X Division Gold took place this week. The match was decent if not illogical in one particular spot. An Indian Death Lock should’ve given The Son of The Ghost The Championship. If he doesn’t roll Sydal to the ropes, it does. Why does the art form need to LOOK like a work? PS: These are Cruiserweights. Not every high spot should be missed on purpose. A wrestling ring is not a balance beam. Sydal retained Gold by countering The Thrill of The Kill with a modified rollup for the victory.

A one-on-one match featuring Petey Williams and Dezmond Xavier was next. The contest featured a rather poisonous carrot for the winner. Don Callis mentioned that the dude representing The Maple Leaf was too fixated on using The Canadian Destroyer. I tend to agree. Williams is a solid performer. Outside of the fact that the person taking the move is working harder than the one giving it, he waits too long to pull it off. Xavier has Top-5 American Cruiserweight written all over him. His time in Orlando is coming, assuming someone down there has a brain. Unfortunately for him, they also have a generational athlete named Brian Cage; and with the victory, Xavier earned an opportunity to face the freak next week. A very twisted reward indeed. Good luck kid!

Main Event time! In the previously mentioned promo, Jimmy Jacobs said he was a good guy who was simply rectifying Grado’s accusation from last week when Moose got involved. The Ball Player’s intervention led to this week’s encounter. Moose comes out to his typical entrance. Kongo Kong follows suit, with one notable exception. Where was The Dragged-Out Disco? We would find out soon enough. First, I must try to be nice, no guarantees. Unless Jimmy’s Giant Stutter is working his match and his offense, it comes across as difficult to watch him in a ring. Moose is a great athlete. His move set was so basic when attacking Kong. Without his mouthpiece, the bigger man looked aimless at times. He lost a very boring fight.

What happened to Jimmy Jacobs? The last relayed image of this episode told us. He was indeed laid out in the locker room with an X on his chest. Our mystery assailant has struck again! They don’t appear to discern between baby faces or heels in searching for victims. This alone is excessively rare in the art form. This could be very interesting. Especially if Impact bookers pay off the angle with an identity next week. Even if they don’t, I am still looking forward to both Knockouts matches along with Austin Aries’ return match with Pentagon Jr. for Impact Gold. Outside of Edwards & Callihan, Impact continues to impress with roster usage, flexibility, and storyline development. The company is slowly growing on this smart mark.


Let us know what you think on social media @theCHAIRSHOTcom and always remember to use the hashtag #UseYourHead!
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Mad Man’s Spinal Tap & 20 Questions

Back to back weeks we see the Mad Man come to play in our sandbox. Does this article go to 11? Are the retread concepts, just hollow nowadays?

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Back to back weeks we see the Mad Man come to play in our sandbox! Does this article go to 11?

When you have decades of experience watching the art form, your eyes and thought processes change. It’s the reason my colleagues can break down pending news and angles we haven’t seen yet. Mr. Meltzer made a cottage industry out of it. A ton of people on The Internet are trying to follow suit. Then, there are fans like me. As much as I love twitter, Professional Wrestling fans were never meant to receive “spoilers” every day.

This is NOT a “Back in my day…” thing. My eyes have changed too. However, I am focused more on WWE’s calendar when watching Stamford’s offering. If I think about wrestling. it’s very simple. My suspension of disbelief is gone for very few performers. In fact, I would say it’s gone for most fans. If we know it’s a work, why are scripts and outcomes still based on the assumption that we don’t? If I have seen a gimmick before, I am VERY hard to impress. Make me believe you can beat somebody; and stand out doing so, or I will chew you up and spit you the Hell out.

For those who say I should keep my mouth shut because I can’t perform and never have, I DON’T CARE! Saint Dave gets a pass, and y’all still watch the current product like his lap dogs and clones, despite “knowing’ the outcome? I don’t watch for the outcome anymore. Based on character development and pushes, I can see that coming. Call me a hypocrite and I will play 20 Questions with you. Can you get me to the finish line without looking like an idiot or a laughable copy of someone else?

Su Yung is 5’6’’ish. Marks and sheep world wide are transfixed and petrified? Make up aside, why? She is impersonating three legends with no unique move set and doing it very badly. Without her zombies, can she beat anybody? Mr. Calloway used druids. He was 6’10’’ and did not need them to kick your ass. Mick Foley put himself and you through HELL before using The Mandible Claw. You had no choice but to take it. The Great Muta was arguably the best Rising Sun performer of all time. He had a move set most American fans had never seen before. The Mist was believable in his hands because audience and opponent were spinning trying to keep up with him. Where is Su Yung’s Mysticism? As much as fans love her, there are no OMG moments in her matches, and her gimmick is predicated on them.

She is far from the only example. Twitter went crazy about a month ago because a top name on the indies put something in her opponent’s mouth during a match. Outside of a prison fight, when would this EVER HAPPEN? Why is this necessary? If this is a work, why would any girl allow someone to do this? Tell me why either woman gets hired again without the parrot response? Same question applies to Joseph. Dude ain’t pickin’ up anybody like that in real life. I dare him to pick my wheelchair up with his finish. He would be in traction.

Tony Schiavone is our crazy wrestling fan uncle. Our memories of him when we were kids and teenagers all ROCK! He is without question one of the best to ever call the action. God Bless Conrad Flair for bringing him back to the art form. Among other fun stuff, he now does commentary for MLW. With tongue firmly planted in cheek; I must say, I have a slight problem with him. I understand that it is his job. He continues to put MJF over because?? I get the gimmick. It’s just OLD! He is ripping off The Miz. One look at him, and you can see that. “I have more money than you.” So did DiBiase. And if you did, you wouldn’t need the $50.00 a night you made before Tony started calling your matches because you’d be paying him. Just wait until Mike retires before you go to New York.

Finally, we arrive at the biggest tent. Vinnie’s circus was on The West Coast in The House of Hot Rod & Billy Jack Haynes. Sheep under 25 are now asking a three-worded question. The only help you’ll get from me is to say that he may have been the father of Modern Independent Wrestling. Sometimes, it wasn’t his choice, and he is still fighting demons today.

Back to this week. Didn’t Spinal Tap all stand in the Center Ring around a month ago and do a babyface promo? “It’s our fault. We’ll do better for you. This is YOUR product.” First, I believe Stephanie as a babyface as much as I believe Saint Richard as a babyface. Shut up and go home as a shoot. Second, as big a moron as Vince is, he’s NOT leaving the person carrying the big top out of WrestleMania! Outside of the obvious, Becky’s leg is a work. SHE WAS LIMPING ON THE WRONG ONE ON MONDAY! Seth Rollins is hurt as a shoot. He WASN’T at Monday Night Raw. If Becky wasn’t cleared, she wouldn’t be on either show. So WHY is everybody going apes*** over this?

Sometimes, I can’t tell which group is Spinal Tap?

Is it the group on stage or the sheep who believe what they’re watching? I truly wish this art form was treated more like real competition.


Let us know what you think on social media @theCHAIRSHOTcom and always remember to use the hashtag #UseYourHead!
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Mad Man’s Consequences Of Sainthood

Does the lineage of Saint Ric need no explanation?

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It’s been a while since Mad Man has landed his Sea Duck in our waters. He has a Flair for gold and the bold! Let’s see where this goes.

Let’s see if I remember how to do this. The Internet Wrestling Community has not seen this from me in months. Something BIG had to happen to get me out of hiding.

I’d say this week at Vinnie’s Circus certainly qualifies. If you’re expecting me to wax poetic about the dudes, take some Nyquil and go back to sleep. The Royal Rumble is both brilliant and flawed at the same time. And yes, it is about effing time the ladies got their shot to steal the show. Although, it can be quite successfully argued, they do so on a nightly basis already. All did a fabulous job last year. Including my girl; Lady Banks, going well past an hour over two nights. Drawing The Shawn Michaels Slot at #1, And then, making a beeline to the ring for a nose-to-nose promo with The Female Muta, Asuka.

The Female Dragon had two words echoing through Philadelphia to kick off Monday Night: “I’M READY!” Those who saw the full confrontation know she was. Who was her opposition in the desert again? The thought of The Rumble being flawed is not new. Especially when its ultimate goal is taken into account. Win the damn thing and Main Event The Showcase of The Immortals! Wait, what did I just say? Back to that shortly.

Blemishes in the execution of this concept make their first appearance innocently enough. The victor in this contest is not based on who participates in it. The Champions headed into WrestleMania dictate the finish. What results from algebra like this? Simple, in most years over 80% of the field is background noise. Most of the time, smarks and sheep alike have a pretty good idea who’s headed to Mania. Overwhelmingly, we don’t mind as long as we get a great match. This changes when the feminine equivalent of Mike Tyson shows up on Vinnie’s doorstep, signs a convoluted contract, and just might bail after the biggest show of the year. Storyline and logic; what little there is in this art form we love, take a beating when Vinnie says Tyson MUST face Holyfield before she runs off to have kids and turn into Brock Lesnar.

What the Hell does he do with the Female Connor McGregor?

The BEST organic baby face in the industry this decade. He turned into Helen Keller on Monday Night. No, you little prick! I am in the wheelchair. You are not disabled! Did he see or feel the crowd in Phoenix? I certainly did. In fact, my neighbors knocked on my apartment door to ask if I was alright. That’s how loud I was. Vince, you haven’t had an honest crowd reaction like that in 20 years, and you wanna pollute it? “Jesus, she wasn’t supposed to be here. You mean these fans AREN’T sheep?” Don’t worry Vince, they’re still sheep and this is still all about Flair and McMahon, DAMMIT! For those laughing at me and saying it’s a work; guess what? It doesn’t have to feel like a work!

I started feeling like something was different about Professional Wrestling in the late ‘80s, when nobody could kick Ric Flair’s ass and get rid of him. First switch of NWA Gold I remember? Ronnie Garvin taking out Flair in Detroit, 1988. As an eight-year-old, I was hardly thinking about math. Why does this matter? Garvin had The Gold six weeks. He had one Title Defense at the end of that window, against Ric Flair. Guess who won? Everybody does cartwheels over his trilogy with The Dragon in 1989, not me. Don’t get me wrong, phenomenal matches, but Ric Flair was always walking out with Championship Gold. Hey Ric, the art itself was a work. Why show us The Gold was too? Spanning from 1984 and Kerry Von Erich to 1993 And Barry Windham, Ric Flair was GIVEN no less than five runs with NWA Gold or its equal because he was Saint Richard Flair isn’t the only idiot in the modern art. During his last holy act with Ricky Steamboat, Vincent Kennedy McMahon walks into a New Jersey courtroom and gigs the business hard way. Exposing it simply because he doesn’t wanna pay taxes on an authentic sporting event. Excuse every child under ten at the time? THANKS VINCE!

Two years later, WWF Gold was held up. How does he deal with this? First, let’s bring Ric Flair in because those in charge of WCW were absolute MORONS! Wait, Vinnie can’t have Hulk Hogan pinned in 1992. “It’s okay, we’ll put Gold on the line at The Royal Rumble. Winner gets The Strap!” Awesome, a boatload of great performers! Did ANYBODY really think Ric Flair wasn’t winning this match? HELL, Hogan pulled Sid Justice out from the floor! At least Flair won in 1992. Flash forward almost three decades. If the concept is, “Winner gets choice of Champion at WrestleMania” Why is Sid Justice going to Main Event Mania FROM THE FLOOR? Hey ass****, if you NEED Tyson/Holyfield, do the Bret/Luger finish! Becky WON the match! Here’s an idea, every televised event from here to Mania is held in an empty arena until we are given a collective Heimlich Maneuver to expel Ashley from our systems. The WWE Universe would never do this because sheep love this circus. If this stands, The Women’s Royal Rumble has jumped the shark just two years in. Vince, we know it’s a work.

Why must you insist on making it THIS! Give Asuka to Ashley. You don’t need to verify Charlotte Flair’s Sainthood. Sasha Banks has seen it three times.


Let us know what you think on social media @theCHAIRSHOTcom and always remember to use the hashtag #UseYourHead!
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