Andrew’s Impact Wrestling Slammiversary Results & Ratings: 7.17.2021

That’s right, I’m back to covering Impact for the time being! What better way, than to start with one of Impact’s premiere pay-per-views?

So there are a ton of mystery opponents, so much so…it feels a little stupid. But hopefully a couple surprises pay off and don’t just seem like a bad gimmick. Deonna needs someone with a name to actually make this match matter, and you have to assume she wins because of the TripleMania implications.

Aside from that, the late addition of the mixed tag is almost too obvious of a spot for Laurel Van Ness/Chelsea Green. Plus Fallah’s sudden need for a tag team partner is a pretty big question mark.

I just hope this turns out to be a decent show with a title change in the main event!

Ratings:

• Ultimate X Match X Division Championship: Trey Miguel vs Petey Williams vs Ace Austin vs Rohit Raju vs Chris Bey vs Josh Alexander (c): Alexander retains – *** ½
• Brian Myers w/Sam Beale & Tenille Dashwood w/Kaleb vs Matt Cardona & Chelsea Green: Green wins via Unprettier – **
• W, Morrissey vs Eddie Edwards: Morrissey wins via Jacknife Powerbomb – ***
• FinJuice vs Shera & Madman Fulton: Fin Juice wins via…WHO CARES? – N/A
• Chris Sabin vs Moose: Sabin wins via Electric Chair Cradle – *** ¼
• Impact World Tag Team Championship: Fallah & No Way Jose vs Willie Mack & Rich Swann vs Good Brothers vs Joe Doering & Rhino (c): Good Brothers win via Magic Killer – ** ¾  –  TITLE CHANGE!!!
• Knockouts Championship: Deonna Purrazzo (c) vs Thunder Rosa: Purrazzo retains via Queen’s Gambit – *** ½
• Impact World Championship NoDQ Match: Kenny Omega (c) vs Sami Callihan: Omega retains via One Winged Angel – *** ¾

Results:

Pre-show match wasn’t one I was overly interested in, and didn’t light the world on fire from what I saw. But with fans back and Rosemary/Decay being enjoyed by most Impact fans, I’m not surprised Havok & Rosemary went over.

Ultimate X Match X Division Championship: Trey Miguel vs Petey Williams vs Ace Austin vs Rohit Raju vs Chris Bey vs Josh Alexander (c)

So early on we established that Rohit was too short to reach the suspended ropes, so that caused some fun spots. Rohit grabbed a rozen bag and rope, to try and drape the new rope over the Ultimate X ropes and pull himself up just like gym class! Rohit took a few tries to get it done, the crowd was urging him along and playing along well, when Rohit pulls himself up he gets cut off. Then there’s a Tower of Doom tease, but Rohit pulls out an extendable grabbing rod and almost pulls off the upset until the rest react and we get more offense everywhere.

We get one completely moronic, but entertaining submission spot when Josh Alexander is on the ropes and swings his legs up over the X, Ace feeds Chris Bey’s leg to Alexander, so we get an inverted Ankle Lock, face lock, Sharpshooter…just stupid submission spot. It looked pretty cool…but it was dumb. Thankfully Rohit breaks it up by going full Sabu and tossing chairs at people to stop the bad psychology.

Last fantastic spot was a call back to AJ Styles. Chris Bey and Alexander were in the Ultimate X ropes fighting over the belt, Ace tried to springboard off the ropes and just yoink it out of the sky. But Josh and Chris watched TNA in 2005 as well, so they pull the belt up, Ace crashes and burns, then Chris falls and Alexander retains!

Brian Myers w/Sam Beale & Tenille Dashwood w/Kaleb vs Matt Cardona & Chelsea Green

Well this was more gimmick than match as we all expected. Chelsea Green makes her return, as many expected, just I for one expected Laurel Van Ness, but that’s not the point. Cardona showed intelligence since Tenille likes to low blow, Cardona remembered a cup, and that did a number on Tenille’s arm.

Myers gets taken out by a Canadian Destroyer from Chelsea, Cardona wipes out the extras on the outside and Chelsea hits Tenille with a box shot like a barbarian, then hits the Unprettier. So Cardona and Green win, wonder what that means for Green’s status in Impact.

W, Morrissey vs Eddie Edwards

Eddie Edwards brought the wrestling and took advantage of Morrissey’s arrogance. Eddie had to try and chop down the tree, and nearly pulled it off. Massive Cassidy is still utilizing the Nash offensive playbook, but after countering the Jacknife on the ramp, hitting a Boston Knee Party and that slowed the big man. Blue Thunder Bomb and another Boston Knee Party sent Cassidy to the outside.

The Massive one has a chain under his jeans, so he grabs the chain, catches Eddie in the face, hits the Jacknife Powerbomb and picks up the win.

FinJuice vs Shera & Madman Fulton

Random angry guys get forced into a tag against an established tag. So Fulton and Shera continue the “dysfunctional” thing and FinJuice aren’t really challenged. Who cares? Its nice FinJuice is back…I guess?

Chris Sabin vs Moose

Sabin used his speed to try and stay ahead of Moose. A few Dragon Screws, quick attacks, and sticking & moving showed the way that Sabin was planning on winning. Moose however showed his power and athleticism multiple times during the fight.

Avalanche Fallaway Slam, Moonsaults and great spots from Moose. A nice spot was when he had Sabin tied up on the apron, was playing to the crowd chopping his chest, then he flips off the crowd before the third one, Sabin tries to fight back and Moose just dropkicks Sabin back into the ropes and off the apron. This became quite a fun little match.

Moose tried to hit a few big moves, but Sabin was countering. A few rollups/cradle attempts, but Moose puts him in the Electric Chair, then Sabin rolls through on the Cradle and picks up the surprise win.

Impact World Tag Team Championship: Fallah & No Way Jose vs Willie Mack & Rich Swann vs Good Brothers vs Joe Doering & Rhino (c)

So all of the jokes that they didn’t sign No Way Jose, was paid off amusingly since TJP needed a replacement and it turned out to be “No Way”.

Good Brothers go out of their way to isolate Rich Swann, and try to play the smart tag team angle while VBD just bide their time. Doering eventually tags in and it looks like Rhino and Doering will dominate with Power and brutality. But after Doering hits a wristclutch Yukon Lariat, Karl drives Rhino into Doering to break the pin, gets his team officially tagged in, Magic Killer and now we have new champions!

The match was okay but heavily underwhelming given the participants.

Knockouts Championship: Deonna Purrazzo (c) vs Thunder Rosa

Rosa is the mystery opponent, and that’s definitely someone that wasn’t on some of the short lists. Rosa was aggressive and attacking early on. There were attempts by both women to apply submissions, Deonna with the Fujiwara and Thunder Rosa went for a Crossface.

Rosa hits a Double Stomp and Ushigoroshi, but Deonna kicks out of pinfall attempts. A few fast exchanges gives Deonna the opening, and she hits her Gotch Style Piledriver! Cosa…wait…Queen’s Gambit? Why did she change the name of the move? Did the Sicilian Mob threaten her? SHEEESH!

Mickie James comes out after the match, offers Deonna a spot on NWA Empowerrr, Deonna stays cocky says everyone wants her. She swings at Mickie, Mickie retaliates, Mick Kick, and I’m guessing we’ll see Deonna vs Mickie on Empowerrr, title match pending Deonna beating Faby Apache at TripleMania.

Impact World Championship NoDQ Match: Kenny Omega (c) vs Sami Callihan

This match did a solid job at painting Sami as the champion of Impact Wrestling, in the medieval battle sense. The fans were in Sami’s corner the whole time, they cheered for his early “Pearl Harbor” attack, his mocking of the Rise of the Terminator, and just generally supported Sami’s every move.

Kenny took an early Pizza Cutter to the face, and Sami misses with Abdullah the Butcher fork and it sticks in the turnbuckle pad. Kenny starts turning the hardcore tides, stomping Sami with a table on him (similar to the Trent Beretta IWGP US Championship spot), and feigning the Snap Dragon through another table. Sami manages to counter, but a lot of this match was Sami trying to counter in an element that was supposed to be his home.

I’m assuming the story was supposed to showcase Kenny’s versatility and why he’s the ‘best bout machine’ but when he falls back on tired formulas, it comes off more like a Cena/Hogan superman push. Especially since Kenny doesn’t do it with any grace, he has all the style of a colorblind hipster and is just generally difficult to watch attempt to wrestle. His offense looks fake, which for a sport that’s choreographed, it’s really sad when things look fake.

This match just became more and more obvious Omega was winning, even when Sabin and Edwards came out to stop the Good Brothers from interfering and showing “team Impact unity”.  I’m beyond over Omega and AEW in general on Impact.

Overall Score: 6.25/10

So Jay White coming out at the end definitely helped to save the show a little. Granted, Impact pulled a WCW Halloween Havoc ’98 and cut the broadcast before we saw anything happen; and right as there was a run in about to happen! They could play it off like a cliffhanger I suppose, but it comes off choppy and stupid to be honest.

Aside from that, Chelsea Green coming back as the tag partner I guess works given Cardona is her fiancé, Mickie showing up to invite Deonna makes a lot of sense, especially if NWA and Impact are working on things regarding Kylie Rae and Thunder Rosa was kind of a nice surprise for Deonna.

Even with a few nice surprises, the matches really weren’t all that. It’s definitely weird to think the first show they’ve done in nearly 500 days with fans, they have mediocre and alright matches. At least the fans seemed to be into most of it, so that’s something. But I could feel myself zoning at times.

This felt more like a decent app special than a proper PPV. Hopefully Bound for Glory is better, because this is one of the worst PPVs in the Anthem regime. Still slightly above average, so I guess that’s a positive takeaway, but still lame.